I miss my friend (Full Version)

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MsStarlett -> I miss my friend (7/14/2009 5:49:10 AM)

I haven't been on the boards much lately.  I'm sure most didn't notice.  Some didn't care and others were just happy that I STFU for a while.

At first I was blissfully happy and to busy with my life to stay 'involved' with the drama of the boards.  Then things changed and I spent some time wallowing in self pity that no one wanted to hear about.  My favorite people kept in touch via email, but those are mostly men who will never know the heart of a woman.

The truth of the matter is that my best beloved Westie found a r/l girlfriend his own age in his own town.  She is also a sub and, as he says "We are so much alike it's scary."  He is blissfully happy spending all his time exploring this new relationship.  On the Adult side of my brain, I always knew from the beginning that I couldn't be his one true love, forever and always.  He is 20 years younger than me and I am married to someone else.  He was bound to find his special someone and leave.  I just didn't expect it to happen so soon.  Let's face it Ladies, I think only WE can understand how much it hurts to let go of the one who was so close and so special.  The intelligent side tells me to be happy for him, but my emotional side is heartbroken.

After a great deal of discussion with my male Dom mentor and my sub or switch male friends, along with a great deal of 'soul searching' - I have discovered that I don't really miss sessions with West, that had become almost a secondary part of my relationship with him.  I miss my friend.  My mentor tells me that was where I went wrong, that the sessions and the D/s part became superficial.  That I was not giving him what he needed.  Now West tells me that he "just wants to be friends", even though he rarely speaks to me anymore.  I find myself missing having someone to just sit and chatt with me over my morning coffee every day.  I miss the easy way that we had to talk about everything from the weather to our odd relationships with our families to our favorite TV shows to the new sex toy we were interested in trying.  I miss my FRIEND.

The odd thing is that I have already found another sub who is my age and lives just around the corner from me.  He is so happy and willing to serve.  He very well could be exactly what I need, but I find myself hesitating to start up a new relationship.  We don't share as many common interests as West and I did and I don't think we will ever be so close as to hang out together in vanilla situations as I did with West.  My mentor tells me that's a very good thing as I lost my objectivity when I started treating West like a friend and a lover, not like a sub.

There is a second who lives in Atlanta that shares more 'vanilla' interests with me, but I can't seem to get him to break out of sub-mode and just talk to me like a human being.  I don't think I can deal with that.  I know darned well that human beings are each individuals and I need to evaluate each relationship on it's own merits and stop trying to find my next 'Westie' who can be all that I wanted before I knew what those needs were.

I still have my Wall-e who was with me even before West, and he's coming to see me in the fall.  I still have great net-relationships with Bear and Peon although we will most likely never meet.  It's not like I'm all alone.  I'm just missing the one that I spent so much of my time with.

Is it just to soon?  Should I jump into something with one or both of the new guys and go for it?  Am I crazy for trying to hold onto a friendship with West?



Sunnyfey -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 5:51:28 AM)

No, your not crazy.

I'd wait awhile for another relationship, you need to heal a bit sister.
*big massive hugs*

You know, we love you on here.



DarkSteven -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 5:54:54 AM)

Slow down.  Whoa.

I'm losing count.  You have a husband, a Mentor, two prospective subs, Wall-E, and Bear and Peon.  As well as a bunch of sub and switch men in a friend network.

I'd advise against adding any new folks. You've got lots right there.  Any way that you could transition an existing relationship to the friendly one that you need?



MsStarlett -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 6:14:32 AM)

That's kind of why I needed some female advice.  I have a huge 'web' of males.  No really close female friends.  Never really got along well with other women.  I'm not very 'girly' in my vanilla interests.  I don't care about fashion or 'Sex in the City' or normal 'girly' things.  I like monster movies and sci-fi conventions.  So when my closest friend is my sub... it's really devastating to loose him because he was like three people in one.  He was my sub/puppy, my lover and my best friend.  I'm still working on keeping the friendship.  But that's all new ground for me.  I'm not sure which subjects are now 'off limits'.



CatdeMedici -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 6:22:55 AM)

I get that in a big way. I hope My sub/slave ends up being My best friend (outside of My UM) as well--the Captain of the Queen's Guard as they say.
 
That's what I miss at the moment the most.
 
Hugs sweetie, there will be a hole there for a time to come.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 6:25:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett
I find myself missing having someone to just sit and chatt with me over my morning coffee every day. I miss the easy way that we had to talk about everything from the weather to our odd relationships with our families to our favorite TV shows to the new sex toy we were interested in trying.  I miss my FRIEND.



You can't do all that with your husband?
 
 





Venatrix -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 6:57:17 AM)

Starlett, I'm afraid I don't have a helpful response for you; I've never felt that way about anyone, and I've only ever played casually.  My thoughts are, 1) to appreciate what you had, *because* not everyone gets to experience it, and 2) know that there are lots of people on CM who hope it all turns out for you, regardless of what you decide. 



LadyPact -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 6:57:55 AM)

Sometimes, even when we know the inevitable is going to happen, it still sucks when it does.

I do know exactly how you feel.  The same thing happened to Me a few years back when MP and I decided we were going to be poly.  When it ended, it wasn't the sex or anything else that I missed.  It was the friendship that had been built.  In fact, for a bit there, I didn't replace him because nobody was going to be able to measure up.  None of the new potentials were going to be just like him, but in reality, what I was doing was rejecting  everyone for that very reason.  I didn't especially realize it Myself.  Rather it was pulled to My attention by someone who wrote Me an email that basically said this in effect:  The Banks family was looking for a nanny when they got Mary Poppins.  When she moved on to the next family, how do you replace Mary Poppins with just another nanny?

It sounds pretty silly, but that's exactly what I had been trying to do.  I had wanted the next person in My life to be just as wonderful as the one who had left it.  I wanted someone to be the same kind of friend, lover, and companion as the one I had lost.  Since it wasn't possible for someone to be that from the first hello, nobody was ever going to be able to measure up.  Long story short, I finally got some sense in My head, stopped wanting other people to be like him, and I started letting them be themselves.

From the sound of it, you are going to have some grief in the change of the status of the relationship with West.  It's ok to miss the intimacy and friendship that you shared prior to him meeting someone new.  If you really are just trying to replace him, it's going to be very challenging to get anything you start with someone new to work.  I'd say you probably should give yourself a little time.

I am sorry that you are sad for seeing him go.  It's ok for the emotional side of your brain to feel that way, even though the adult half of your brain knew he would move on someday.  Best wishes.



sirsholly -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 7:05:10 AM)

you write the op as a Domme who is missing a friendship with her sub. Is it possible that this is the problem, at least in a small way? Does he have an issue with friendship because he is no longer your submissive? Does he see you as a Domme that he no longer submits to? Do you see him as a submissive you no longer dominate?

Friends are equal to each other, and if he cannot see the two of you as equals, it might be what is keeping him away.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 8:52:43 AM)

Ms Starlett, *I* missed your posts, and noticed that you were gone!  I was hoping that you were having a nice time, though... [&o]

It's hard to lose someone great, even when you "know" it's going to happen sometime.  Sure, it's the next step for Westie, but big deal!  Allow yourself time to grieve and fill the space with the things you have now.  I don't know what to say about not having female friends... I am the exact opposite, and have no male friends of any depth!  (those of you who know me, may insert what I would say next HERE). 

I am a bit baffled by those who are saying that your sub cannot be your friend.  Does that mean that you all are not friends with your husbands/wives/SO's?  Of COURSE your sub can be your friend and companion---that is his or her most important job in my world!   I know that when someone moves on from me, or the dom/sub bit doesn't work out, it's the friendship that I miss the most.  Play is great, but it's not THAT hard to come by. 

{HUGS}



Lashra -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 9:06:02 AM)

Losing a friend is like having a piece of yourself go missing. He has been a part of your life and your heart, that is something that is not easily gotten over. But there is an old but true saying, time heals. I think that is what is needed here, time. Time to grieve, time to think and time to focus on yourself for awhile. You need to focus on what you really what in your life, what it is that you NEED in your life to feel whole again.

Please do not jump into anything in a hurry, those on the rebound relationships rarely work out. What you need to do for awhile is just be friends with yourself so that you can move on.

I also think its odd that someone who was such a close friend, has distanced himself from you so quickly. I know when we fall in love that we tend to drift from our friends but, it sounds like he cut all the strings and ran with it. It makes me wonder how long this new relationship will last and when/if he will once again be knocking at your door. Not to give you false hope, it is just I've been around, seen a lot and its not uncommon. The question would be if he did, would you want him back after this?

I think you know the answer inside your own heart.

(hugs)
~Lashra



LadyConstanze -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 9:18:58 AM)

Scarlette, without having read all the replies, I think you need time to heal. I completely understand that it hurts and losing a friend is one of the most terrible things ever, but please, don't rush into something new before you haven't digested the "old", it's unfair to you and to the new people.

You know, reading that bit about you and what you're going through makes that car crash that kept me away look almost minor in comparison.

Lots of hugs, even if I have to hobble to you ;)



DemonKia -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 9:37:52 AM)

FR, after read thru

Good friends are precious, & their loss deserving of all the grief & sadness & loss one can feel . .... Give yourself all the time & loving self-care necessary to take care of you . . . .



chamberqueen -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 9:44:31 AM)

MsScarlett, I missed you.  : ) 

I can understand your pain, and I'm glad that you realize that it was inevitable that he would find someone close to his own age.  I can see where you would want someone who can be both a sub and a friend.  I've had subs who honestly believed I was never to have a sad moment or show any true humanity - it was too much for them to handle.  I preferred subs that I could just talk to as a friend from time to time even though I chose to keep some aloofness.

If you're looking for a friend for coffee time chat, have you considered a woman?  Maybe another Domme or a switch; someone that you had something in common with?  You say you don't have many women friends.  I don't either, and someone like me would love having another woman to be totally irreverent with. 

Glad you're back, and I'll say a prayer for your healing heart.



thetammyjo -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 9:56:49 AM)

I think that men feel very strongly about breakups, as a culture we just tell them and us that they shouldn't so they may hide it better.

I think your feelings make perfect sense to have.

You need to go at your own pace.

Also why can't you and he (and her, too) be friends now?



MsStarlett -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 5:16:03 PM)

Thank you, Ladies.  And dear gentlemen as well.  I truely needed validation.  



Sunnyfey -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 5:32:24 PM)

*hugs again* Anytime you need it just ask Beautiful



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 5:36:45 PM)

quote:

I like monster movies and sci-fi conventions.


I guess that I'm not very 'girly' either -- I like the same things... but you can add action flix and sci-fi/horror reading material as well.

I'm really sorry that you are missing your friend (though I'm happy that he found a potential life-mate). I have to disagree with Steven, though, and maybe it's just me, but I find that if I isolate myself and -don't- seek out new relationships pretty shortly after ending a relationship, I slowly devolve into near total isolationism, and virtually give up all the things I enjoy and just hermit myself. I don't know how you are, but it seems that the new boys might be serendipity... the Universe took West in another direction, but gave you the opportunity to explore in new directions yourself.

The only thing you'll want to keep an eye on is that you're not comparing the new boys to West -- they're going to be different, and that's a -good- thing... it gives you the opportunity for a completely -different- experience.

In any case, feel free to drop me a line any time.

Calla




LovingMistress45 -> RE: I miss my friend (7/14/2009 7:57:50 PM)

Starlett - I understand your pain.  It is a very difficult situation.  I too lost a sub that was my friend, lover as well as sub.  It was very difficult.  I found that for quite awhile everyone was compared to him and well there was no way they could be what he was.  I think taking some time to let yourself get over it would be best.  I know it wasn't fair to those that tried to have a relationship with me when all I could do was think how they didn't measurement up to him.




MoGa -> RE: I miss my friend (7/15/2009 3:39:11 PM)

Starlett...yes, you were missed. I did notice you were gone and I think I even created a thread about those who were MIA, your name was at the top of my list. Welcome back!
 
I have sent you c-mail. I TOTALLY understand! That is all I can say here.
 
MoGa



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