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Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 11:16:09 AM   
strangemelody


Posts: 20
Joined: 7/9/2009
From: Somewheres, MI
Status: offline 		Is there any hope that my gentle and kind boyfriend will find his Dom side? I was attracted to him partly because he’s such a nice guy. I even tried to enjoy the kind of “nice” sex that he likes. Unfortunately I prefer my sex to be anything but nice. I’m trying to get him to try the things that turn me on—spanking, hair pulling, restraining me, etc. He’s making an effort. But I also know he’d rather be kissing me, caressing me, and making tender love to me. He refuses to call me names. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He says pretending to rape me would be a huge turn off.

I have to instruct him every time we have sex. “No, stop kissing me, be rough with me, I’m your whore, not your girlfriend, don’t ask if it hurts, don’t be romantic, just fuck me.” Right now I don’t think either of us are enjoying sex. Maybe I just need to be patient and realize that he needs to be trained for a while. I’m hoping to awaken his desires for dominance; I don’t want him to just go through the motions for me. But maybe if it’s not in his nature to “disrespect” and control a woman, it never will be?

He also likes me to dominate him by slapping, punching, kicking and standing on his balls. I do it because it makes him happy, but it worries me that he prefers to be the submissive one. I want him to want me to be submissive, to surrender to him, to be his sex slave, to be used, to be thrown around. I tell him we can kiss and cuddle after it’s all done, but he doesn’t think that will make it “all better.” He’s worried about being an asshole. He doesn’t want our kinky sex life to poison our normal life.

He says he wants equality. I can deal with equality…but not in the bedroom. I need a man to be in control, to boss me around, to be forceful and harsh. He says I “just think I need it” and I could adapt to vanilla sex if I really tried. Well I did try. For four months. Four months of no orgasms. Four months of discontent. And I love the guy, I do. This is the one major issue with us. I don’t want to break up with him over sex, but I don’t want to remain unsatisfied either. He thinks I can change, I want him to change…is it possible for either of us to really change? Or is being kinky/vanilla more innate than that?


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 11:52:11 AM   
olena


Posts: 97
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		I can see and have known your frustration.

I believe with most men there are two things that need to be thought of in terms of your question. 1) Does the man just have to be weaned off of what society has taught him what a gentleman does in the bedroom. 2) Is it in him to do this to you and enjoy it for himself.

I think if he is just struggling to be ok being nasty to you then there is hope but still no guarantee. If this is not in him then it will never work or be any good if he does try.



(in reply to strangemelody)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 11:54:42 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		As much as you don't want to hear it, I cannot imagine you changing what appears to be a submissive man, into a sadistic rough tumble dominant one.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to strangemelody)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 11:56:28 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		You can teach a person how to *act*.  You can not train a person how to *be*.

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Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 12:17:29 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Brilliant
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

You can teach a person how to *act*.  You can not train a person how to *be*.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 12:30:03 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: strangemelody

Is there any hope that my gentle and kind boyfriend will find his Dom side? I was attracted to him partly because he’s such a nice guy. I even tried to enjoy the kind of “nice” sex that he likes. Unfortunately I prefer my sex to be anything but nice. I’m trying to get him to try the things that turn me on—spanking, hair pulling, restraining me, etc. He’s making an effort. But I also know he’d rather be kissing me, caressing me, and making tender love to me. He refuses to call me names. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He says pretending to rape me would be a huge turn off.

I have to instruct him every time we have sex. “No, stop kissing me, be rough with me, I’m your whore, not your girlfriend, don’t ask if it hurts, don’t be romantic, just fuck me.” Right now I don’t think either of us are enjoying sex. Maybe I just need to be patient and realize that he needs to be trained for a while. I’m hoping to awaken his desires for dominance; I don’t want him to just go through the motions for me. But maybe if it’s not in his nature to “disrespect” and control a woman, it never will be?

He also likes me to dominate him by slapping, punching, kicking and standing on his balls. I do it because it makes him happy, but it worries me that he prefers to be the submissive one. I want him to want me to be submissive, to surrender to him, to be his sex slave, to be used, to be thrown around. I tell him we can kiss and cuddle after it’s all done, but he doesn’t think that will make it “all better.” He’s worried about being an asshole. He doesn’t want our kinky sex life to poison our normal life.

He says he wants equality. I can deal with equality…but not in the bedroom. I need a man to be in control, to boss me around, to be forceful and harsh. He says I “just think I need it” and I could adapt to vanilla sex if I really tried. Well I did try. For four months. Four months of no orgasms. Four months of discontent. And I love the guy, I do. This is the one major issue with us. I don’t want to break up with him over sex, but I don’t want to remain unsatisfied either. He thinks I can change, I want him to change…is it possible for either of us to really change? Or is being kinky/vanilla more innate than that?





Frankly, he doesn't sound submissive.  He sounds either dominant or egalitarian.  What you described doesn't sound like a power dynamic issue, but a kink issue.  -A dominant male can be 100% in charge saying "I only want the sweet and gentle sex, except when you're being kinky the way *I* want".

You want to bottom to kink.  He wants to bottom to kink.  You both want your way.  They aren't compatible.

Sometimes you just have accept that no one is wrong or the bad guy and that sometimes an otherwise great person just isn't the right match.

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(in reply to strangemelody)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 12:30:49 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: strangemelody

Is there any hope that my gentle and kind boyfriend will find his Dom side? I was attracted to him partly because he’s such a nice guy. I even tried to enjoy the kind of “nice” sex that he likes. Unfortunately I prefer my sex to be anything but nice. I’m trying to get him to try the things that turn me on—spanking, hair pulling, restraining me, etc. He’s making an effort. But I also know he’d rather be kissing me, caressing me, and making tender love to me. He refuses to call me names. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He says pretending to rape me would be a huge turn off.

I have to instruct him every time we have sex. “No, stop kissing me, be rough with me, I’m your whore, not your girlfriend, don’t ask if it hurts, don’t be romantic, just fuck me.” Right now I don’t think either of us are enjoying sex. Maybe I just need to be patient and realize that he needs to be trained for a while. I’m hoping to awaken his desires for dominance; I don’t want him to just go through the motions for me. But maybe if it’s not in his nature to “disrespect” and control a woman, it never will be?

He also likes me to dominate him by slapping, punching, kicking and standing on his balls. I do it because it makes him happy, but it worries me that he prefers to be the submissive one. I want him to want me to be submissive, to surrender to him, to be his sex slave, to be used, to be thrown around. I tell him we can kiss and cuddle after it’s all done, but he doesn’t think that will make it “all better.” He’s worried about being an asshole. He doesn’t want our kinky sex life to poison our normal life.

He says he wants equality. I can deal with equality…but not in the bedroom. I need a man to be in control, to boss me around, to be forceful and harsh. He says I “just think I need it” and I could adapt to vanilla sex if I really tried. Well I did try. For four months. Four months of no orgasms. Four months of discontent. And I love the guy, I do. This is the one major issue with us. I don’t want to break up with him over sex, but I don’t want to remain unsatisfied either. He thinks I can change, I want him to change…is it possible for either of us to really change? Or is being kinky/vanilla more innate than that?





  You are two submissives, each wanting the other to dom them. So if the two of you can't find pleasure in taking turns switching for one another, its not gonna work. You don't seem to like domming him, and he doesn't seem to like domming you.
  
  If switching is unfulfilling for you both, stop wasting each other's time.


Let each other be who you really are, and who you really want to become. And let each other find the partner you deserve: someone who loves the real you. Not who they wish you were.

You are submissive. He is submissive. STOP trying to change him into something he is not. That's just so wrong.

Get with someone who is quite happily dominant to begin with, and free him to do the same. The two of you are a mismatch.

Wake up and smell the coffee.







_____________________________

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(in reply to strangemelody)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 12:31:04 PM   
JuliaGreenleaf


Posts: 66
Joined: 4/15/2009
Status: offline 		I am sorry. It is innate . Most true things are. You are submissive -he is vanilla or submissive. It just doesn't work. You really need to go through the same search as the rest of us for the right Dominant.
Dominance, while it exists irresspective of gender ( it is a trait found in both men and women), is an innate trait. The desire to want to control and guide and hurt someone is innate. What people choose to do about it and how they choose to be is a different story - people choose to guide and develop their traits in lots of different ways.

You are in a situation where you will be unfurfilled until you go out and look for what you really want - even then please look for the right person, and someone who will care about you as well as control you. You are a pretty girl, and with effort , and internal wisdom and searching  a lot you can find the right person.

< Message edited by JuliaGreenleaf -- 7/14/2009 12:34:57 PM >

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 12:39:11 PM   
rayne221


Posts: 20
Joined: 1/27/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with Tigresse ... you are seeking a sadist and you are a masochist, if these are truly your tastes.
There can not 'change' anyone's nature. It's who they are. This guy is a romantic. I suspect you went for the "nice guy' because you feel safe with him. He posed not threat or conceived threat... and then decided you could mold or as you say 'train' him to 'be' who you want. That never ever works. As in another post.. it was pointed out, you can show a natural Dominant... natural leader.. techniques. They can learn skills... but you can not teach or train someone to be something they fundamentally are not.My ex husband was extremely domineering, and a control freak. He was not a Dominant. There is a huge difference. Prior to realizing this however, I thought i could share my spanking interests; that we could have a HoH relationship, or more Domestic Discipline. He tried.. but firstly he could not spank... not only was his technique just not there. but it was in fact a turn off because it was a turn off to him. But more... he became abusive mentally once he discovered this side of me. I finally did get my D/s relationship and was spanked by a natural Dominant and WOW... what a difference.



(in reply to JuliaGreenleaf)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 1:10:31 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Sorry - you can't have sex with a limp dick - and that is what you will get if you insist that your gentle, kind boyfriend slaps you and disregards your pain.
You need to find a dominant.

(in reply to rayne221)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 1:33:08 PM   
Esinn


Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: strangemelody

Is there any hope that my gentle and kind boyfriend will find his Dom side? I was attracted to him partly because he’s such a nice guy. I even tried to enjoy the kind of “nice” sex that he likes. Unfortunately I prefer my sex to be anything but nice. I’m trying to get him to try the things that turn me on—spanking, hair pulling, restraining me, etc. He’s making an effort. But I also know he’d rather be kissing me, caressing me, and making tender love to me. He refuses to call me names. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He says pretending to rape me would be a huge turn off.

I have to instruct him every time we have sex. “No, stop kissing me, be rough with me, I’m your whore, not your girlfriend, don’t ask if it hurts, don’t be romantic, just fuck me.” Right now I don’t think either of us are enjoying sex. Maybe I just need to be patient and realize that he needs to be trained for a while. I’m hoping to awaken his desires for dominance; I don’t want him to just go through the motions for me. But maybe if it’s not in his nature to “disrespect” and control a woman, it never will be?

He also likes me to dominate him by slapping, punching, kicking and standing on his balls. I do it because it makes him happy, but it worries me that he prefers to be the submissive one. I want him to want me to be submissive, to surrender to him, to be his sex slave, to be used, to be thrown around. I tell him we can kiss and cuddle after it’s all done, but he doesn’t think that will make it “all better.” He’s worried about being an asshole. He doesn’t want our kinky sex life to poison our normal life.

He says he wants equality. I can deal with equality…but not in the bedroom. I need a man to be in control, to boss me around, to be forceful and harsh. He says I “just think I need it” and I could adapt to vanilla sex if I really tried. Well I did try. For four months. Four months of no orgasms. Four months of discontent. And I love the guy, I do. This is the one major issue with us. I don’t want to break up with him over sex, but I don’t want to remain unsatisfied either. He thinks I can change, I want him to change…is it possible for either of us to really change? Or is being kinky/vanilla more innate than that?





Although there are a few.  I really would like to start a 'group' about this.  It was and still is an objective of interacting with people here.  Obviously I see it encompassing a lot more than outlined in this post.

Anyone interested?  My plan was to take a few more months to start such a project.  I know it has been over done.  However, obviously not well enough as there are too many people who feel trapped in situations like these.  Review my posts, my profile hit me up.

Personally I know I am intelligent and have a lot to offer.  I am sure 'you' do too. 

-E

< Message edited by Esinn -- 7/14/2009 1:34:21 PM >

(in reply to strangemelody)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 1:56:57 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

kind boyfriend will find his Dom side?


Does he have a Dom side to begin with? Some people do not. If you train him to wear a Dominant mask then you will always know that is not the real him, just him behind the mask that YOU placed on him. He will not feel happy, nor fulfilled, but he may begin to hate himself and you in the process.

I would say if he is open to kink fine, draw upon some ideas you both agree on and go for it. But do not try to force him into being someone he is not because he will be miserable. I know this first hand as my male sub went through it with his girlfriends in the past. Now that he found someone who accepts the submissive him, he is a very happy and complete person.

If you cannot live with this type of person perhaps you need to acknowledge that and look for fulfillment elsewhere.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to strangemelody)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 2:11:58 PM   
Born2BMasochist


Posts: 42
Joined: 6/19/2009
Status: offline 		OP. I understand where you are coming from. My husband is the same way. He refuses to play out my kinks, and be dominating in bed. I can not handle being dominating in bed either. Our sex life is very vanialla. But I have a Dom that takes care of the BDSM aspects in my life. My husband adores the man, because he gives me what he cant. But that is the way my relationship works. So it is up to you and your BF to figure out what will work in your relationship. Express to him that some of your sexual needs are not being met and you understand that he can not fufill some of them because that is who he is. See if you can come to some sort of a compromise with him. But i would not try to change who he is. I believe either you have it in you or you dont.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 6:33:44 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		He either is or he isn't. You can't make him "be".

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 7:02:17 PM   
DoctorOwl


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/29/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: olena
1) Does the man just have to be weaned off of what society has taught him what a gentleman does in the bedroom. 2) Is it in him to do this to you and enjoy it for himself.


It took me many years to shake off my upbringing in that way. My dominant nature was visible to many around me, but I couldn't let it out in a relationship until I broke loose of some of the equality indoctrination. Luckily (or not?) no one was hounding me to make the change all that time. She realized her submissive nature at the same time. We both got the vocabulary to think about things and it was a revolution.

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Fleshed-out profile in a couple of weeks ...

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 7:57:20 PM   
ChasingOblivion


Posts: 125
Joined: 5/19/2009
Status: offline 		Quick Reply:

You can glue wings on a goldfish and spray paint it yellow, but that doesn't make it a fucking canary.
Speaking from personal experience here, you have two options; you can break up, stay friends and find someone who satisfies you sexually, OR you can keep trying to make him into something he'll never be, continue to be unsatisfied, and still wind up breaking up later but by then you'll both hate each other.
It's your call.

< Message edited by ChasingOblivion -- 7/14/2009 7:58:28 PM >

(in reply to DoctorOwl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 9:01:45 PM   
MarcEsadrian


Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: strangemelody

Is there any hope that my gentle and kind boyfriend will find his Dom side? I was attracted to him partly because he’s such a nice guy. I even tried to enjoy the kind of “nice” sex that he likes. Unfortunately I prefer my sex to be anything but nice. I’m trying to get him to try the things that turn me on—spanking, hair pulling, restraining me, etc. He’s making an effort. But I also know he’d rather be kissing me, caressing me, and making tender love to me. He refuses to call me names. He doesn’t want to hurt me. He says pretending to rape me would be a huge turn off.

I have to instruct him every time we have sex. “No, stop kissing me, be rough with me, I’m your whore, not your girlfriend, don’t ask if it hurts, don’t be romantic, just fuck me.” Right now I don’t think either of us are enjoying sex. Maybe I just need to be patient and realize that he needs to be trained for a while. I’m hoping to awaken his desires for dominance; I don’t want him to just go through the motions for me. But maybe if it’s not in his nature to “disrespect” and control a woman, it never will be?


"Nature" is an interesting subject. I'm one who tends to believe there can be untapped regions of potential in many people, yet experience in life has taught me that getting right with someone sometimes isn't about something latent and waiting to be nourished in them; sometimes they really are wholly and completely alien to what propels their counterpart, and no amount of time or patience will ever bridge that divide. It's difficult to speak to the complexity of an entire relationship distilled into a few tidy paragraphs on a message board, outside of reiterating what others have already said: form often follows essence. Without it, you're just building sandcastles that will be washed way with the tide, and in the process, you may find more than you bargained for gets carried out to sea with them. I say don't try to change something from it's natural state; appreciate it for what it is, or at least accept it. Likewise, give the same respect to yourself. There is no promise of anything more past this life.


(in reply to strangemelody)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/14/2009 9:24:27 PM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		If you really love him why do you want him to be something it seems very obvious that he isn't?

_____________________________

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— Gregory Maguire



(in reply to MarcEsadrian)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/15/2009 7:57:51 AM   
maia09


Posts: 113
Joined: 6/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

You can teach a person how to *act*.  You can not train a person how to *be*.


Exactly. His actions are speaking volumes to you - i'd recommend listening to what is rather than to what you wish it were.


_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.

"I will always be the virgin-prositute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman." - Anais Nin

Owned by Chairman


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Train docile bf to be dominant? - 7/15/2009 10:08:34 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: strangemelody

He says pretending to rape me would be a huge turn off.

Yet you're trying to "train" him to enjoy it anyway.

And you're saying you don't like being the Domme?

Nothing you've said even indicates you want a Dom. You just want a guy who's really (and roughly) kinky in bed.

In either case, however, that's not who he is. And, if you actually care about him, perhaps what would make him happy should also be a factor in how to progress (like maybe admitting that you two are not sexually compatible and deciding if an amicable separation or mutually being open to seeing other people is the best answer).

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 7/15/2009 10:09:17 AM >

_____________________________

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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(in reply to strangemelody)
Profile   Post #: 20
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