Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out?

Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (Full Version)

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AAkasha -> Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 12:53:08 PM)
Femdoms, have you ever honestly LIKED a man too much, so that you could not share your sadistic desires with him because of that affection for him (but you could gladly and happily hurt someone else)? You know the cliche about when a vanilla woman says to a guy who wants a relationship with her, "Oh I like you too much for that, I don't want to ruin our friendship" -- or variations of that phrase -- the cliche being it's just a cop out way of her saying she isn't attracted to him that way....(whether or not it's ever true or not) -- is the femdom version of this the phrase, "I like you too much to hurt you, let's just be friends" -- meaning, she just doesn't have the guts to say, "I am not attracted to you but I like to hang out" (or, the more cruel version, "I don't like you that way but I like the gifts you give me.") I can't say I have ever liked a man too much to not hurt him. Bondage, S&M and all that stuff are tied into affeciton/lust for me. But is this true for others? Any femdoms ever honestly find themselves unable to hurt/torment/do S&M with a guy because they cared too much for him? Akasha

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 12:56:43 PM)
The more I like someone, the more I want to bite down hard. Actually, I reserve my more "sensual" stuff (ie biting, licking) for the ones I am attracted to. If I thought of my partner as a delicate flower, well, what would be the POINT?

aidan -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 1:27:34 PM)
Bluntly: Yes. Yes it is. At least for me anyway. And for a lot of guys, I'd wager. Like you Akasha, BDSM is tied into affection for me, as well as sex and I'd go so far as to say romantic love. Being hurt turns me on, makes me happy, makes me feel loved, makes me love a person even more. This is rhetoric I hear a lot, that emotional/affectionate connection makes Domination and Sadism harder or impossible, usually from Dommes that want to keep their submissive partners at arms-length by not having more traditional or "vanilla" aspects of a relatonship with them (whether this is at a romantic level or just as affectionate friends), and many times these same Dommes also find emotional connection in relations with other dominants or vanilla partners. Of course I can't be more precise than that whispy gesturing, because there's nothing even close to solid data. Again, somebody with a sociology degree needs to pry this community open. I digress. This specific part of the rhetoric of emotional distance/detachment is, to my mind, the emotional equivelant of a loved one winning the lottery and saying to you "I think all this money would corrupt you and make your life worse, so I'm going to keep most of it and give the rest to people I don't like as much as you." Cognitive dissonance is the polite way to describe it.

AngelicaGoddess -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 1:41:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus The more I like someone, the more I want to bite down hard. Actually, I reserve my more "sensual" stuff (ie biting, licking) for the ones I am attracted to. If I thought of my partner as a delicate flower, well, what would be the POINT? Can I just put my signature under your post?

thetammyjo -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 1:43:56 PM)
Short answer: No. In fact, the more I care about someone who submits to or serve me, the more likely I am to hurt them more in terms of BDSM. Why? Because I can trust them more to accept these "darker" parts of myself and therefore I'm more willing to reveal more. Also because with time we get to know each other more and thus we can push our limits together more.

littlesarbonn -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 1:59:11 PM)
What's interesting is the number of women who are coming in and saying that, no, this is not what they would ever experience, YET I run across them all of the time. And I know it's not just me; many of my sub friends have run across it as well. At one point, I used to think it was the bdsm equivalent of "let's just be friends" but it always also involved someone who wanted to be more intimately involved with me. Nowadays, I tend to just wander away when I run into this type of behavior as I have LOTS and LOTS of female friends these days.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 2:17:36 PM)
This is a difficult one, while I would not be able to leave my sadism out of a relationship, there would be certain things I would not like to do to my partner, though most of them wouldn't have anything to do with pain. I do like piercing somebody but for some odd reason I would not work for me with my partner, that's something I prefer to do outside of my relationship. I know if I would push it, he would let me do it, but I simply don't have a desire to do it with him. We share a lot of other kinks, but it's a lot more important for me to have a "complete" relationship, you know something where you can actually live together, than having him fulfill all my kinks. Nobody can be everything for somebody else and as long as I can get scratch certain kinky itches outside the relationship, it's all good.

LdyyR -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 3:14:02 PM)
The more I like him, the more I'm apt to enjoy indulging my darker side. When I first started became active in bdsm activities with partners, this was a problem. I was quite hesitant and felt it was wrong to want to cause the flesh of someone I cared so much for to become so deliciously, burningly, bright red [8D]. Not any more. I'd much rather squeeze the balls of the man who's very presence makes my heart skip a beat.

AlexandraLynch -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 6:05:36 PM)
I've given up sleeping with vanilla men, because when I like someone in bed I bite and scratch. I refer to it as "I love you so much I must eat you up!" and if he's sub enough we laugh and I recognize he got harder when I did it, and all is well.

Lashra -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/14/2009 6:46:45 PM)
I was never involved in relationship with a man that I did NOT want to beat. [:D] Even the vanilla ones who ran off with their tail between their legs all because I wanted to beat their ass and bite them. /shrug Sometimes I see a guy on the street and think Hmmm I'd like to tie him up and beat his ass until its cherry red and then BITE it repeatedly. But I have self restraint so I keep from doing so, even though the little devil horns are showing through my red hair. [sm=evil.gif] ~Lashra

epepincanada -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/17/2009 6:16:44 PM)
i dont know about a yes or no, but common sense to me seems to point out that the more you love or care for someone the more nervous you would be about showing your sadistic side and possibly making them run for there lives. I think people would aggree that even if a sub says i can take it dont worry, you still think in the back of your mind that they might not

LadyPact -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/17/2009 10:43:44 PM)
I'm going to go against the grain here. I wasn't always a sadist. It was something that I grew into over time. What I mean by that is that I went through various phases. Accepting sadism for Myself took a little while and during that period, I had to learn to understand masochism, too. For someone who came into the lifestyle later than others, it took Me a while to accept who I was and who other people might be. In the very beginning of My start in wiitwd, absolutely I've told people that I liked them to much to hurt them. My start was all about protocol and M/s. Back then, this joy from pain thing wasn't Me. In fact, that's why I had such difficulty in My first M/s dynamic. I've often said that, if back then I was the sadist that I am today, I'd have had a much happier boy. The S/m part was one of the areas that he wasn't happy with and brought about his release. So, looking at your question from yesterday's perspective, My answer would be yes. It wouldn't happen in today's world, but it's definitely part of what I experienced to get here.

MsStarlett -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/18/2009 5:06:40 AM)
It IS a cop out if it ends the relationship. Like so many other things, it's something that two people need to work out between themselves. As is the "I don't want to ruin our friendship with sex." I have several friends that I have those feelings for. One that I actually HAVE had sex with for many years, but he and I have never had a 'relationship'. We always laugh that the only reason that we still like each other is the fact that we've have always 'loved' each other, but never been 'in love' with each other. That 'I can't hurt you' feeling very well might have been the 'beginning of the end' with me and Westie. I did get to the point that I just didn't want to beat him anymore. He was very into puppy play, but I'm not talking about that. Honestly? Who could look at a real, furry baby animal with those sweet round baby eyes and kick or hit it? Same thing happened with my West. He has these very beautiful, soulful eyes and when he turned them on me, I would just melt and want to hold him in my lap and scratch his ears. He told me that he enjoyed it when I was 'nice' to him. However, for our last session, he purchased a hood, told me that he wanted 'more bondage-y' things and that he wanted me to make him cry out. Ok. The hood worked GREAT! When I couldn't SEE those eyes, they didn't distract me and I managed to get him to call a safe word for the first time, and he did so twice. He was rewarded with Rimba time. I thought I was giving him what he wanted and needed... but he never returned. I can only assume that he was exploring what he thought he wanted and needed with me and he is now doing that with someone else his own age who is a potential life partner. While the majority of people here tend to agree that sub's Job is to do what his or her Dominant wants or leave... I truely believe in a more 'two way street' view with an open line of communication. Doms are not mind readers. If a sub is NOT getting what they want out of their relationship, they need to say so! Specifically. Life and relationships are all about compromise.

slavekal -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/18/2009 5:17:18 AM)
When I first met Ms. Mlicious, she was new to this life, and she did have a bit of that. She liked me a lot, and it was hard for her to break out of that vanilla box. Venting her sadism on relative strangers was easy. Luckily, I am an insufferable prick, so she learned to like me much less. Now she can hurt me without any guilt. In all seriousness, she still likes me immensely. But she has gotten over all that newbie guilt. And I have the heel marks on my torso to prove it.

gentlemanprince -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/18/2009 7:44:37 AM)
I need to have that emotional connection. The closer the connection, the more of myself I can give. My kind is to submit for whatever she wants, be that pleasure or pain. Quite frankly, I don't really enjoy pain; I'm not a masochist. But some pain (I can't take as much as others can) is a way to get closer. I can keep up my instinctive emotional barriers. Short answer: the more she likes me and the more I like her, the more I will accept pain.

slavekal -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/18/2009 10:32:43 AM)
The more she turns me on, the more pain I can take. Like you, I am no masochist.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/20/2009 7:16:13 PM)
No I love to cause pain, but I do relax the rules more then I should if a boy is extra yummy. :(

thetammyjo -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/21/2009 11:25:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn What's interesting is the number of women who are coming in and saying that, no, this is not what they would ever experience, YET I run across them all of the time. And I know it's not just me; many of my sub friends have run across it as well. At one point, I used to think it was the bdsm equivalent of "let's just be friends" but it always also involved someone who wanted to be more intimately involved with me. Nowadays, I tend to just wander away when I run into this type of behavior as I have LOTS and LOTS of female friends these days. I've not heard of that but I completely believe you are experiencing this. What I have heard of often across the orientation board is that some tops and doms start to feel like they can't do SM or other things once romantic love begins. I've sat with several tops who have been left because that isn't what their former bottom/sub signed up for when they stopped being able to do SM any more because 'they loved them too much'. I always told these folks that they need to do some serious reflection about what they think SM is and why they do it if they are finding it incompatible with love or even just really liking someone.

thetammyjo -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/21/2009 11:27:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: epepincanada i dont know about a yes or no, but common sense to me seems to point out that the more you love or care for someone the more nervous you would be about showing your sadistic side and possibly making them run for there lives. I think people would aggree that even if a sub says i can take it dont worry, you still think in the back of your mind that they might not That does appear to be the common experience for a lot of people. However if you share love with someone, serious time proven love, you feel safer sharing all aspects of yourself because you know that the other person can probably handle it. If they can't you get your heart stomped on, cry, recover and start over.

aidan -> RE: Is "I like you too much to hurt you" a cop out? (7/21/2009 12:43:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn What's interesting is the number of women who are coming in and saying that, no, this is not what they would ever experience, YET I run across them all of the time. And I know it's not just me; many of my sub friends have run across it as well. At one point, I used to think it was the bdsm equivalent of "let's just be friends" but it always also involved someone who wanted to be more intimately involved with me. Nowadays, I tend to just wander away when I run into this type of behavior as I have LOTS and LOTS of female friends these days. I've not heard of that but I completely believe you are experiencing this. What I have heard of often across the orientation board is that some tops and doms start to feel like they can't do SM or other things once romantic love begins. I've sat with several tops who have been left because that isn't what their former bottom/sub signed up for when they stopped being able to do SM any more because 'they loved them too much'. I always told these folks that they need to do some serious reflection about what they think SM is and why they do it if they are finding it incompatible with love or even just really liking someone. Point fucking on, Tammy Jo. When a Domme says she can't engage in S/m or even D/s when love or a strong friendship becomes a part of it, internal alarms are immediately tripped. I couldn't imagine opening myself up to Mistress the way I do, emotionally or physically, if She didn't love me. It wouldn't have gotten even half as far if we weren't caring and affectionate towards each other even without romantic love. I've said the same thing to Dominant people who have confided this in me as you have. The answers are sometimes...telling. Yes, I'll be polite and say "telling."

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