anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs)

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Eivarden -> anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 10:32:15 PM)
For awhile, i've been looking around various BDSM sites, and the such. And the obvious reason i've been doing so, is because i know im a sub. But the more and more i look at Straight female doms, and female doms who are Bi, it just doesn't seem... right? (I know im a sub, but somthing feels out of place) It seems the doms are more interested in a guys money, and or someone they can take out their anger on, or they want some guy, who wishes he and she were together, but instead she goes hang out with 5 other guys she "actually" likes. (At least thats how they seem to advertize themselves usually) I'm sure there is plenty of guys who like this. But it didn't seem right to me. I didn't know why, but... I couldn't put my finger on it. But then i looked back at the main reason, i realized, i was a sub. It all started back when i dated this gay girl, who cross dressed as a guy. (She thought i was a girl, because my online name was "Candi". And after a short conversation, we became friends, and she asked me out, all because we lived near each other it turned out. It didn't last, because she found out i was a guy at our first meeting. (We never thought to ask each others genders, she was pretending to be a guy, but i assumed she was a girl anyways.) and even though she "tried" to make it work, it just wasn't for her. She told me "You are everything i've always wanted in a girl, except, you're not a girl.") In a general sense, she was everything i've ever wanted, except i was male, and that's the opposite of what she wanted. (obviously) So now i went back to dating normal girls, but it was like drinking water, after having had a smoothie. I couldn't go back to being anything short of the sub. So i started looking for Bi girls who would be just like her, in personality, but the common tred is; (1) They say, "If i wanted to date someone feminine, i'd date a girl! I date girls when i want to dom, and i date guys when i want to be the sub!" or (2) They are like the comment i made above. (In it for the money, and not so much for the relationship) As for straight girls, it's as i've already said. (yes there is always an exception, but its rare enough to not consider it a possibility) Now it just seems i'm looking for the impossible. And even if there is such a possible person, i just don't have anything to offer, that another man couldn't offer. (and make better offers?) Not really sure where this rant will lead, or why i bother, but i can't help but wonder if there is anyone else, who might also be thinking this way. Does anyone else think they got into BDSM from the wrong point of view? (also, if anyone else thinks there is a black and white difference between straight female doms, and gay female doms. Because i'm sure thinking there is.)

Lashra -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 10:45:33 PM)
I am a Dominant female and always have been. I am a lifestyle Dominant with one male sub. I do not care how much money he makes and I do not have a problem with men. In fact I love men so much that I choose to own one.[;)] I know there are other Dommes out there like me who are in BDSM because it is what they need and desire. Others do it for profit and a rare few do it because they just do not like men. Everyone has their own reason for doing something and gender or orientation usually isn't a deciding factor. I cannot speak for anyone else other than myself, I am happy with my lifestyle and so is my male sub. ~Lashra

Eivarden -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 10:49:43 PM)
Thank you Lashra, for your insight. But before i leave this thread open too long, i should take a moment to also apologize in advance, in case anyone takes offense to my thoughts on this subject.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 10:51:48 PM)
My best advice is to get out into your community and, especially, the national community by going to national events like Thunder and Southwest Leather Conference. It would be especially useful to you, I feel, if you found a TNG group close to you. What you find here online isn't necessarily the same as what you'd find real time. There are plenty of us who are in the lifestyle not because this not because it's just what we "do"but because this is who we "are". There are also plenty of us who like what you have to offer. Count yourself blessed that you have some knowing about what you DON'T want...this can be as valuable as knowing what you do. Master Fire

rayne221 -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 10:52:12 PM)
In the years i have been involved in D/s.... you are right..and we (my circle of D/s friends which included some straight male subs), did recognize that there definitely was a difference and there seemed to be somewhat great unfairness when it came to male subs. Essentially ... if they wished to be genuinely dommed... they had to pay for it. This did not seem right. There is even a quote along these lines, which i ran across on another BDSM site just the other day. It was something like : When a Man wishes to take control of a woman and talk dirty.. it's called Dominance... when a man wishes the woman to take control and talk dirty it's called $4.00 a minute... or something to that effect. Having said all that... i do think things are changing a bit.and i believe there are very sincere Women out there who are naturally dominante and who do wish too to find that loving, romantic D/s relationship where her parnter submits. If you really find yourself beating your head up against the wall on this... instead of going with the 'bi' route.. why not look for women perhaps who switch? You may have some better luck.

Eivarden -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 11:03:10 PM)
Actually rayne221, that was something that has crossed my mind allot. But to be honest, i think i'm getting thick headed about going back to "playing dom". Some say it's reasonable. But i feel it's selfish of me. But even though i view it as selfish, i can only see the relation ship going south, if i have to keep "playing dom". It's not their fault, but when im put into the dom position, for their interest, i slowly start thinking of all the qualities i dislike about our relationship, and it just spirals downward from there. So for now i'm still avoiding a switch. Until i can think of a solution (If one exists.) To MasterFireMaam, I think you are most likely right, but idk if i'm ready to go to such places just yet. I'm not really comfortable going to places like that. I know i'm going about this wrong, and i can only blame myself, but for the moment, i'll remain away from public gatherings, until i change my mind.

Racquelle -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 11:10:37 PM)
People find it exceptionally difficult to communicate what they are all about in a profile, so do please consider that. For many female dominants it is difficult to say dommish sounding things without sounding angry. I think this is partly because we are acculturated to lack a vocabulary for confidence, and others are acculturated to see confidence in women as anger. And of course, the economy is bad and people sell what they can - even themselves, but pros and semi-pros have always been part of the landscape. This means very little in terms of whether they are really "into this" - there are plenty of people who do this but are ambililent about it, paid or not. But what you are hoping to find is unusual indeed. And entirely worth looking for again. You will not have the same thing again, but you will have something else that is incredible - when you find the right person/people. The most successful thing I have done in searching is not search - just be open to encountering people who may engage me for a time, some sexually and some not. Enjoy the journey, and don't let the people you don't care to engage with trip you up.

NihilusZero -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 11:13:29 PM)
It sounds like you want a monogamous Domme who is willing to be (and expects in return) emotional as well as sexual investment. Once you're done discarding one-dimensional, online profiles that are likely just looking for wank fodder or trying to rope you into paying some monthly fee, it seems to me that is a relatively likely type of Domme to run into. I think you've just run into a string of bad luck and are attaching too many grandiose inferences to it.

ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 11:17:29 PM)
Eivarden - first of all, welcome to the forums. Second, I haven't looked at your profile, but judging from your photo, I'd say you're... what... mid-twenties? If you're looking at the profiles of women in your age range, you're probably going to see a disproportionate number of "financial dommes", because the majority of women who do this professionally seem to be in that age range. You're probably also going to see a lot of women who seem flaky as hell, because they're fake profiles. Again, a disproportionate percentage of the goofy-fake-profile nutbars seem to assign themselves ages in the range you're probably looking at. I don't know why; it just seems to be the way it is. So yeah, it's not surprising that you're running into a lot of profiles that seem discouraging. But don't let that throw you off the trail. It doesn't sound like you're getting into this from the wrong point of view at all; it sounds as though you're knocking on this door because you've discovered this is who you really are. And that's never the wrong reason. You may have to sort through a lot more chaff to find the wheat, but the wheat's definitely there to be found. Just takes a little more work when you have so many fakes and pros to weed through. And don't be discouraged if it seems as though you don't have anything to offer that some other guy can't offer more of, because that's just not true. You have one thing to offer that nobody else on earth can ever dream of offering - you have you. Believe in yourself. Be conscious of the unique qualities that make you who you are, make you special; be conscious of them, and remember that whatever it is you have to offer as a human being, nobody else can offer. For someone - one special someone - those qualities may be exactly what they're dreaming of finding, exactly what they're thinking they'll never find because they're running into so many profiles that make them wonder why they ever logged on here in the first place. Your task is to hang in there and keep putting yourself out there until your path crosses with hers. It usually takes a while - for some people, it takes years - but when it happens, I think you'll realize it was worth the wait. Good luck, and keep your head up, bro. Focus on the opportunities, instead of the challenges, and pretty soon you'll be seeing the whole world only in terms of opportunities.

Eivarden -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 11:17:55 PM)
"it is difficult to say dommish sounding things without sounding angry" Actually that does sound very likely. Which is good to hear. As for "be open to encountering people who may engage me for a time, some sexually and some not." I kind of have a way of doing this now a days. Wasn't too sure if it was working. If anything, i think it's doing the opposite effect. (I can't really put it into words, because i'd have to spend some time thinking about it, to describe what i say/do.) "I think you've just run into a string of bad luck and are attaching too many grandiose inferences to it." Yeah, that was one reason i brought this up. Figured an outside point of view would help be more accurate. To ThatDamnedPanda, I must say, you have a way with words :P

Racquelle -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 11:27:06 PM)
I will say, in your favor, you have expressed something that could sound very whiney, but you really don't seem whiney about it. More determined to find the magic combination you feel strongly is there. No one finds their perfect mate without trevails and trials first. You have paused to give serious consideration to what will bring you satisfaction. You are not wandering blindly. This puts you ahead of a lot of people.

Eivarden -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/15/2009 11:32:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Racquelle I will say, in your favor, you have expressed something that could sound very whiney, but you really don't seem whiney about it. More determined to find the magic combination you feel strongly is there. No one finds their perfect mate without trevails and trials first. You have paused to give serious consideration to what will bring you satisfaction. You are not wandering blindly. This puts you ahead of a lot of people. I don't deny it, i'm being whiney lol. I usually avoid being too verbal on my opinions, as it turns to just whines. But made an exception today, and decided to post in the forums.

sirsholly -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/16/2009 3:03:54 AM)
quote: So i started looking for Bi girls who would be just like her, in personality, Holy cow...you are limiting yourself

RedMagic1 -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/16/2009 4:02:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Eivarden To MasterFireMaam, I think you are most likely right, but idk if i'm ready to go to such places just yet. I'm not really comfortable going to places like that. You are not comfortable going to such places... and you are not comfortable with what is available to you online. You're screwed!!!!!! To find something new, you sometimes have to step outside your comfort zone.

WarKirby -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/16/2009 4:07:36 AM)
You'll find plenty of gay/bi male doms who are interested in effeminate male subs (like myself [:D]) if you're into that.

Eivarden -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/16/2009 4:28:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: So i started looking for Bi girls who would be just like her, in personality, Holy cow...you are limiting yourself Wait, i should say, i'm not trying to limit it to Bi girls only. It's just where i originally started. quote: You are not comfortable going to such places... and you are not comfortable with what is available to you online. You're screwed!!!!!! Lol, yeah. I would say there something else making the situation more complex. quote: You'll find plenty of gay/bi male doms who are interested in effeminate male subs (like myself ) if you're into that. Yeah, i've also considered that as well. Becase i've had my gay friends (who say they dont like subs) ask me to consider going out with them. I feel i've taken their offers seriously, and thought about it fairly, but i'm just unable to do it.

DesFIP -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/16/2009 8:09:17 AM)
You're 23. How many of the people of your age who you know well are happily married? Damn few I would imagine. Instead they date and break up, just like you. Unfortunately people of your age frequently don't know what they want, what they need, what they can't deal with. And it's impossible to have a good relationship with someone who doesn't know those things.

maia09 -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/16/2009 8:47:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Eivarden For awhile, i've been looking around various BDSM sites, and the such. And the obvious reason i've been doing so, is because i know im a sub. But the more and more i look at Straight female doms, and female doms who are Bi, it just doesn't seem... right? (I know im a sub, but somthing feels out of place) It seems the doms are more interested in a guys money, and or someone they can take out their anger on, or they want some guy, who wishes he and she were together, but instead she goes hang out with 5 other guys she "actually" likes. (At least thats how they seem to advertize themselves usually) I'm sure there is plenty of guys who like this. But it didn't seem right to me. I didn't know why, but... I couldn't put my finger on it. But then i looked back at the main reason, i realized, i was a sub. It all started back when i dated this gay girl, who cross dressed as a guy. (She thought i was a girl, because my online name was "Candi". And after a short conversation, we became friends, and she asked me out, all because we lived near each other it turned out. It didn't last, because she found out i was a guy at our first meeting. (We never thought to ask each others genders, she was pretending to be a guy, but i assumed she was a girl anyways.) and even though she "tried" to make it work, it just wasn't for her. She told me "You are everything i've always wanted in a girl, except, you're not a girl.") In a general sense, she was everything i've ever wanted, except i was male, and that's the opposite of what she wanted. (obviously) So now i went back to dating normal girls, but it was like drinking water, after having had a smoothie. I couldn't go back to being anything short of the sub. So i started looking for Bi girls who would be just like her, in personality, but the common tred is; (1) They say, "If i wanted to date someone feminine, i'd date a girl! I date girls when i want to dom, and i date guys when i want to be the sub!" or (2) They are like the comment i made above. (In it for the money, and not so much for the relationship) As for straight girls, it's as i've already said. (yes there is always an exception, but its rare enough to not consider it a possibility) Now it just seems i'm looking for the impossible. And even if there is such a possible person, i just don't have anything to offer, that another man couldn't offer. (and make better offers?) Not really sure where this rant will lead, or why i bother, but i can't help but wonder if there is anyone else, who might also be thinking this way. Does anyone else think they got into BDSM from the wrong point of view? (also, if anyone else thinks there is a black and white difference between straight female doms, and gay female doms. Because i'm sure thinking there is.) Gawd i hate generalizations. There is NO such thing as ALL __________________ are such n such because some are. i mean i could easily say ALL male submissives are only concerned with getting their peckers tended to. Would you say that is true OP?

vasha -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/16/2009 9:54:10 AM)
yes indeed, the Lady Panda has a remarkable way with words, and show's it well here. wiser words are rarely spoken. ranyee brings up a very good point... noticed that myself. both the good and bad in her post. the change is a good thing. very. quote: The most successful thing I have done in searching is not search - just be open to encountering people who may engage me for a time, some sexually and some not. Enjoy the journey, and don't let the people you don't care to engage with trip you up. there's few really honest to goodness universal truths... this is one. the harder a person activly searches, the more often that peson will come accross all the wrong ones. a passive search works best, if you must.

fawn77 -> RE: anyone else think its a mistake? (male subs) (7/16/2009 12:04:42 PM)
iv been a passive searcher, and it is demoralizing to a large extent. iv grappled with the exact same questions as the OP, but find no answers. i am lucky in the way i have found my escape route. i have realised that i can relate aesthetically to a submissive woman, and with some effort, can easily cultivate a dominant side. so well, things on that font are looking up. but all said and done, i am primarily a sub. i totally trip on the contrast between a lithe woman's beauty, and cruelity. its always a part of who i am. sadly, people who fit this description are predomintly pros and thats a huge turn off. i dig qualification and talent in women, and people who have them dont ask for your money.

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