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not seeking pity - 7/18/2009 11:02:50 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
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Life brings some major knocks to us and it is part of life. Everything I have built since I lost my husband, stands to vanish. My mood is fluxuating but I still try to see what is good. I work now a little harder on gratitude for the moment. My firnd Sir has just experienced a devatistating experience and requested no contact so he can sort things out. I find th aat totally understandable. He is also aware of my situation here. It does not bother me he needs time away today, for I am not able to serve him mentally, emotionally or physically. I am lost, but i holding on to what I can hold tight to today. I am not going to permit myself to find a Dominant to take care of me. I find that not respectful to either of us. Not ashame to say, I do not serve everyone. I do not seek to be a damsel lookig to be saved, I have come across some agencies that could help me. They are all on my list to do this week. I discovered yesterday my mom is going to sell her condo. She was under the assumption that i could go live with my daughter. that is not a choice. I been homeless before, and it scares the daylights out of me. I feel slapped in the face,since this place was given to me now instead of when she died. I been working and maintaining my bills. I could do this and have been building good credit, but no future savings. I feel betrayed, but at the same time I will not be anyone's victim. I am not looking for pity, it only works against me. I am so alone now and I am hurting. I chose to write this here just so I can get it off my chest. There are some government programs that I might be eligible. To do this means I need to stop trying to succeed and go on ssi for mental condition. All i worked for can disappaite in a minute. Can the phoexix rise again? I dont know, but I hope. I am in a bad way and i also believe something an author Caroline Myss said. When your life is in choas it is God's doing. He has bigger plans for you. I just pray I can move through this period in grace and faith. I hope it doesnt make me whining and bitter. I pray i dont blame others for the condition i am in. I pray i remain seeing the good in me.

Thank you for listening to me. Thanks for some who shown me compassion to make me feel at home here. I am lost but even in being lost, i might find a path in the forest that grows new opportunites.

oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

Post #: 1

RE: not seeking pity - 7/18/2009 11:14:03 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

((((((((((ocean))))))))))))

There is some on site housing through HUD that only takes a one page document being signed by your doctor, goes by income and can be gotten into much faster than regular HUD. It is for the elderly, disabled or ill. Each apt complex that has this can get you in within a day to a year depending on if there is a waiting list. I got in within a day when I got it. You can continue to work even.

You are loved... Hang in there!

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Post #: 2

RE: not seeking pity - 7/18/2009 11:18:32 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
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Thank Lockit
I been off meds for 3 years, and a good possibility is I am going to have to volunteer to admit myself into the hospital so i can get disability. this frightens me, but if it is a step to a goal so be it. everything is so black tonight. i looking for that silver lining:)

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 3

RE: not seeking pity - 7/18/2009 11:26:14 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

AI-ya-yai!!!!
I really tried to follow this but could not...a few paragraphs at the very least please.

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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Post #: 4

RE: not seeking pity - 7/18/2009 11:29:48 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

AI-ya-yai!!!!
I really tried to follow this but could not...a few paragraphs at the very least please.

my apologies to you. this is the best i can do tonight. i just having very difficult time focusing. just needed to write what i am feeling. normally i try to clean up my writing

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 5

RE: not seeking pity - 7/18/2009 11:34:11 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

No problem I will revisit tomorrow at some point when I am less inrbriated. I do understand that at times one must write "stream of conciousness" and that can be hard to read...I will read again when my brain is more forgiving.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 6

RE: not seeking pity - 7/18/2009 11:39:06 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

what a honorable person you are and i thank you

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 7

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 5:06:22 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

Hey darlin, <<<<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>,

First of all, I don' beleive that (if there is one) god tests us, I cannot accep the fact that someone who is supposed to be kind and loving, spends his days messing with our lives to get attention--talk about topping from the top! Ok now that I hope I brought a smile, I do however believe that shit happens in the world and we can take a deep breath, use our clearsighted vision or sink into the pits of depravity---you're deep breathing and that is a good sign. KEEP BREATHING.

Now given that, I have a spare room and can get you here in a NY second if you need, want, desire.

I don't know about the ssi system and all the ramifications, it does seem that you have been doing so very well, but it does not mean that if you get into that system that you have failed at all---sometimes we need to reach out the for hand that is extended to us even for a short period of time.

Grace and dignity is what one hangs onto and the deep seated faith that they are true to themselves--no matter the path. I feel that as I read your words, stand strong, things are just things but self is really where life resides.

_____________________________

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"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 8

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 5:16:47 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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quote:

There are some government programs that I might be eligible. To do this means I need to stop trying to succeed and go on ssi for mental condition. All i worked for can disappaite in a minute. Can the phoexix rise again? I dont know, but I hope.

Going on SSI does not mean you stop striving for success. Sometimes success comes in the form of finally admitting a need.
.It took a great deal of courage to write your post, OceanWinds. It may also take courage to accept a situation you did not plan on. You have what it takes to do so.

< Message edited by sirsholly -- 7/19/2009 5:19:18 AM >

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Post #: 9

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 5:19:29 AM

Level

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The silver lining will come, ocean, so don't lose hope or faith. Just breathe deeply, and hold on.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 10

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 7:56:18 AM

sblady

Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

Can the phoenix rise again?
oceanwinds

Yes, you can and will. As you stated, you're in a dark place right now as you've basically been blindsided. I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

_____________________________

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. Dalai Lama

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 11

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 9:26:28 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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One other thing that I want to add to all the support people have already contributed is that it may be, that in admitting your need and letting go, an opportunity presents itself for you to move -forward- in a way that you couldn't have if you'd stayed in the situation that is falling apart. Sometimes, we get comfortable where we are, and opportunities whiz by un-observed and untapped. Upending our lives is, in some ways, like emptying a big old box of stored goods from our 'life-attic'... while most of what is in there may be shabby and no longer useful, every so often we come across a treasure that we missed or forgot -- opportunities can be like that. The upending of our lives opens the door for some opportunity that just wasn't relevant at the time to come to the fore, giving us a chance, through the struggles, to move forward in a different direction.

Physics has shown that even matter is subject to potential.

My thoughts are with you, whatever the journey may bring.

Dame Calla

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***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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Post #: 12

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 11:51:09 AM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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((((((((((ocean))))))))))))) Hoping you feel better today!

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Post #: 13

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 11:54:08 AM

MistressWolfen

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Joined: 6/20/2005
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I wish all the best for you and a silver lining very soon.

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Quoth the raven

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Post #: 14

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 2:20:27 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

First and foremost thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I have some workable ideas I believe I will try and see what happens. You all touched my heart so much, that instead of referring to you as posters, i will nickname you my silver lining.

blessings
oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to MistressWolfen)

Post #: 15

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 5:31:53 PM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

I hope you are doing better today and please don't feel that accepting help from SSI makes you weak or without drive. Sometimes true strenght is in admiting help is needed and your post showed a hell of a lot of strength.

Keep going, keep climbing, it will work out as it is meant to and you have support here

dia

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 16

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 6:06:38 PM

ShaharThorne

Posts: 11071
Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
Status: offline

Ocean, tis going to be a tough fight with your SSI. I am finally facing the judge for my final review next month, 18 months after I first applied for my bipolar. Get all of the addresses and doctors notes together. If necessary, get a lawyer or professional that specializes in SSI cases to deal with it for you (I did).

As for the rest...I know how you are feeling. I am down in the bit myself and am trying to pick myself up.

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You are making two and a half feet of irresistible, tubular sex! -Lola, Kinky Boots

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Whip me, beat me, make me feel cheap and have great sex

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Post #: 17

RE: not seeking pity - 7/19/2009 11:41:13 PM

Hawkwindblues

Posts: 183
Joined: 6/26/2009
From: Berlin, Germany
Status: offline

Oceanwinds,

my friend, i am sending you all the strength i can and take you into a codiacbearhug.

Ruth

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After 10 years with the handle ZenDragoness it is time for a change.

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Post #: 18

RE: not seeking pity - 7/20/2009 7:06:23 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

Thank you all
I pulled my big girls panties on and I am going to fight. I going to see what assistance is out there for me. I found several agencies that might help me. I made it for 4 years taking care of me, and I want to continue. This time with some help. I will be making calls and visiting places week. Tomorrow I am going to play with clay and paint on canvas, free place for people with emotional problems. I feel like I can do this now.

Thank you my silver lininings.
from the bottom of my heart.
renee

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to Hawkwindblues)

Post #: 19

RE: not seeking pity - 7/20/2009 7:11:39 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

I made it for 4 years taking care of me, and I want to continue. This time with some help. I will be making calls and visiting places week

*standing ovation*

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

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Post #: 20

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