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New Dom - 7/20/2009 11:55:38 AM   
trickalt


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/20/2009
Status: offline 		I'm a new dom. I've known for a while that I'm dominant, but recently came to the conclusion that I am a dom at heart. I just started dating a submissive, but I wouldn't yet say that I am her dom. She will be my first sub. I am taking this very seriously and I would like to know any all books, articles, online resources, etc. that I can access to grow as a dom.

Clearly nothing can substitute direct mentorship, and I'm looking for one in my community, but in absence of that, any suggestions y'all might give me woudl be greatly appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New Dom - 7/20/2009 12:12:25 PM   
pureDom78


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/16/2009
Status: offline 		I understand where you are coming from. My sub and I started out vanilla and I wasn't even aware that this lifestyle excisted. She however awakened me to just how dominate I am. I learned a lot from her prior to claiming now that I have I too am seeking a mentor. I have found a lot of information combing through these forums. My advice to you is learn the protocols then claim her the rest you can learn along the way. Just try to start out simple so that you don't hurt her......and corner time is very effective

_____________________________

~Sir~

(in reply to trickalt)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New Dom - 7/20/2009 12:14:41 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		look for MasterFireMaam on this site, as well as John Warren, ask them to buy a copy of their books, you can slosh around in those two books for quite a long time.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to pureDom78)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New Dom - 7/20/2009 12:31:29 PM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		Do a search on these forums this has been a well repeated topic over and over with lots of advice and reference. The search function is your friend.

Mike

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New Dom - 7/20/2009 12:39:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Erotic Bondage
S & M 101
Screw the roses,
The Loving Dominant
The Topping Book
The Bottoming Book

But basically if you want to be in charge, you need to think things out and keep your word. If you demand stuff that she can't do or stuff that is contradictory - like stay up all night chatting to me and no below a 95% in your exam when obviously she can't study, be rested and talk to you all at the same time, she will not trust your decision making process.

Punishment comes last, teaching comes first. If he wanted me to change the oil in the car he would have to first show me how, and be willing to talk me through it until I could do it. But ordering me to do it when I don't know how would never work. He could beat me as much as his arm could stand and it wouldn't change the fact that I have no idea how to do this. And teaching comes at her ability to learn. He showed my son how to change the oil and the kid got it on the first try, if it took me three times to learn then that's what he would have to do.

Don't set her up to fail so you have an excuse to 'punish' her. Either just say you feel like hurting her or make it clear it's a game "You didn't buy the winning lottery ticket so it's clamps time for you".

And keep reading. More importantly keep talking to her and listening when she talks to you.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2009 4:43:35 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: trickalt

I'm a new dom. I've known for a while that I'm dominant, but recently came to the conclusion that I am a dom at heart. I just started dating a submissive, but I wouldn't yet say that I am her dom. She will be my first sub. I am taking this very seriously and I would like to know any all books, articles, online resources, etc. that I can access to grow as a dom.

Clearly nothing can substitute direct mentorship, and I'm looking for one in my community, but in absence of that, any suggestions y'all might give me woudl be greatly appreciated.

The best D/s resource you'll ever get is the one you (and most new doms) will likely deliberately exclude - your submissive.

It doesn't matter if she's a first day newbie herself and you've got a decade of dom experience, you simply can't think and rationalise as only a sub (and female, too) can. I suspect your temptation will be to learn all you can without her so you can "impress" her with your skill and knowledge etc - and inevitably wind up looking like a goose at some stage.

You're new (as we all once were) and that's what you be honest and upfront about. She'll likely understand that and then you can impress her with your cautious work ethic and due dilligance as you try new things gradually and *together*.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to trickalt)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2009 9:49:55 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


The best D/s resource you'll ever get is the one you (and most new doms) will likely deliberately exclude - your submissive.

Focus.


BING - FUCKING - GO!!!!!!

So many people seem to forget that THEY know EXACTLY what they want and usually are more than willing to TELL you what interests them.

I think the OTHER half of the equiasion is where people should go first in most all cases.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2009 9:58:37 AM   
trickalt


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/20/2009
Status: offline 		Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that's posted so far. Feel free to keep it coming.

I did know that the sub I'm dating is the best resource, and I want to thank Focus50 for suggestion to not attempt to "impress" her. As with anything in life when you try too hard, you inevitably end up looking less than your best.

Puredom78 suggested I learn the protocols. I am not very familar with them. What little chance I've had to research them suggested that they are different in every D/s relationship.

At any rate, I'm not confused, just diligently learning. Thanks to all.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2009 10:13:08 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Has anyone mentioned your local community? sooooo much fun and sooooo much info and a great way to get your Dom on.....

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to trickalt)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2009 11:25:57 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		~FR~

I'm liking the OP.. he's smart enough to know what he doesnt know.  KUDOS!! 


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2009 12:56:58 PM   
RexLongBeach


Posts: 58
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline 		I'd add to some of the advice above: spend some time reflecting on what feels right to you. There are many proponents of the various styles and techniques.

There is no "one true way." There's only what works for you and your partner.

Unless, of course, you're both into Barry Manilow. Then, feel free to beat each other senseless (because you won't notice the difference).

Have a nice day.

Rex

(in reply to trickalt)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2009 1:17:28 PM   
Comrade


Posts: 11
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline 		Keep in mind that not all Doms and Masters are the same.  Each text you read will be written by a different one.  Do not follow directly any texts you read that do not appeal to you.  Many of the best Dommes I have encountered in my day, as well as myself, simply learned from trial and error.  You can't be afraid to try something new that you've not even read about.  At some point, this is how everything was discovered.  My advice is to trust your desires, and experiment.  Texts are merely an aid or suggestion.

(in reply to RexLongBeach)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2009 6:24:45 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		you're going to get a LOT better answers if you clarify what you mean by "dom". When you say this, are you talking about bedroom slap & tickle? Or, perhaps, in your mind do you wish to control your girl outside the bedroom? If so, what exactly are you planning on doing with her? Or perhaps do you want to own her completely? Again, the questions.... if you won the slavegirl lottery and one was delivered to your doorstep tomorrow, what exactly would you do with an entire human being?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to trickalt)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2009 7:17:59 PM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

.... if you won the slavegirl lottery and one was delivered to your doorstep tomorrow, what exactly would you do with an entire human being?




I love this question!

_____________________________

~Posting now as ForgetMeKnots~

BDSM is what two people at the moment decide it should be...
--CatdeMedici

Member of the Subbie Mafia
Pimpette
Member of MoGa's IN crowd

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New Dom - 7/27/2009 7:54:26 PM   
HollywoodExecDom


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/12/2008
Status: offline 		A lot of really good advice said so far...

I will merely add to the comments I've read.

First, you can do just fine learning entirely from books... Don't think for a second that you NEED to apprentice to learn something, save for maybe very advance shibari - and CPR, but that's not really apprenticing. (and you can still take part in BDSM without CPR, just you're limited in what you can do safely)

That said, most every skill you can teach yourself - but Focus is completely correct, at some level you need to include your submissive in the equation - if at bear minimum so you learn her likes, dislikes, etc.

One question I particularly ask is "What is your biggest fear? What are your phobias? What turns you on? Tell me your reoccurring sexual fantasies? What was your last 3 sexual dreams? " This is where you pull your source material for scenes.

The books, the studying up does have a purpose - increasing your confidence. Confidence is the most dominant quality.

That said, for your first couple scenes - have them planned out well. Include your sub in the process, but be willing to surprise her a bit.

One trick for first time scening is to use a blindfold liberally. That way, they won't see nervous moments. And whenever you're a bit flustered or something isn't working - you can tell your blindfolded sub to "Kneel and when I come back, you're going to have a surprise." You now have bought yourself 5 minutes to go over your notes, recompose yourself, find the new batteries for the toy that you thought was good to go, etc. etc. Just so long as you come back with something, you're fine and you've given your sub a total head trip as they wait seemingly forever trying to guess what's next.

Finally, as for punishment - if you've ever trained a dog or any pets, the same principles apply -- the core principle being the idea of Operant and Classical conditioning. You reward good behavior, punish bad behavior. Incentivize behaviors you want your sub to do, disincentivize behaviors you don't want your sub to do. So don't ever punish your sub with things either they associate positively with or that you want them to have positive associations with.

(in reply to KneelforAnne)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New Dom - 7/27/2009 8:06:57 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: trickalt
Puredom78 suggested I learn the protocols. I am not very familar with them. What little chance I've had to research them suggested that they are different in every D/s relationship.

Yes.  There are no "Protocols," capital-P.  It might be helpful to examine how others live, but ultimately the two of you need to construct something that works best for you both.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to trickalt)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New Dom - 7/27/2009 9:04:59 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
The best D/s resource you'll ever get is the one you (and most new doms) will likely deliberately exclude - your submissive.

My life got SOOOOO much simpler when I figured this out.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New Dom - 7/27/2009 11:56:19 PM   
JanMikal


Posts: 20
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: trickalt

I'm a new dom. I've known for a while that I'm dominant, but recently came to the conclusion that I am a dom at heart. I just started dating a submissive, but I wouldn't yet say that I am her dom. She will be my first sub. I am taking this very seriously and I would like to know any all books, articles, online resources, etc. that I can access to grow as a dom.

Clearly nothing can substitute direct mentorship, and I'm looking for one in my community, but in absence of that, any suggestions y'all might give me woudl be greatly appreciated.

The best D/s resource you'll ever get is the one you (and most new doms) will likely deliberately exclude - your submissive.

It doesn't matter if she's a first day newbie herself and you've got a decade of dom experience, you simply can't think and rationalise as only a sub (and female, too) can. I suspect your temptation will be to learn all you can without her so you can "impress" her with your skill and knowledge etc - and inevitably wind up looking like a goose at some stage.

You're new (as we all once were) and that's what you be honest and upfront about. She'll likely understand that and then you can impress her with your cautious work ethic and due dilligance as you try new things gradually and *together*.

Focus.


EXCELLENT advice.

The first thing you have to remember, no matter HOW good the books and resources you find are (and there are some REALLY good ones out there), none of them were written with YOUR subbe in mind. The authors don't know her, have never met her, and wouldn't know her if they walked past her on the street. Number one rule:

Communicate.

The BDSM lifestyle, IMNSO, is ALL about trust. You have to learn what makes her tick, what she likes, dislikes needs and refuses to do. And you need to express to her in NO uncertain terms the same about yourself. Only then can you move forward with the base of trust that is absolutely essential for this sort of relationship and lifestyle.

You WILL screw up, you WILL look like a goose, and you WILL make her unhappy at some points, just as she will do with you. How you handle, resolve, and learn from the situation is what matters most. Just like any other relationship. Talk it out. Don't assume that she can read your mind and KNOW what you want from her. And let her know the same, that if she has questions, uncertainties, to just ASK.

Good luck, Brother.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New Dom - 7/28/2009 4:20:04 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		It is great to take things seriously, seriously, but one should never take this whole thing or themselves too seriously... don't forget to have fun... laughing together is oh so sexy too.

(in reply to trickalt)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New Dom - 7/28/2009 12:20:06 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		It is not a question of how to act, but how to be. As Plato quoted Socrates, "First know thyself." As you have been discovering, you already know what you want to learn. Control is first over one's self. Self mastery and self respect inspire such confidence in others.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 20
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