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vanilla to bondage... - 7/21/2009 5:31:11 PM   
jessiedeppth


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		so i recently started seeing a guy who is very vanilla and im wondering how i get him at all into doing anything BDSM. he says he has an interest in it, bu ti dont know where to start. He follows my lead very well, and does some of the things i like, but i find myself topping from the bottom, and im not use to it. Im a sub by nature, and i want him to control me, not the other way around.

help?
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/21/2009 5:37:24 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		First off, accept the possibility that he may never devanillaicize, in which case you will have to make a hard decision.

Once you have accepted that, take him to munches and play parties.  Let him see Doms in action, and talk with people.  It's possible that there is an inner Dom inside of him that you will be able to bring out.

Then there's always telling him "Tonight I'm yours.  I will do anything you want", and see what happens.

Good luck.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/21/2009 5:52:37 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		yes...Munches and playparties...



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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/21/2009 5:53:26 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		and adding to DS's response... It's kind of inevitable that while he's mulling it all over, you're not going to be getting what you want. Think of it like an investment. As DS said, the investment may or may not work out for you, but hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained. As a vanilla guy myself, a few points...

  • Bondage is less scary than sadism
  • Light bondage isn't very scary at all.. why not start out with that vanilla classic, scarves tied to the feet of the bed. There's no need to make this all "BDSM-ey"
  • While we're at "vanilla things", my wife has a sleep mask (I read in bed sometimes). Turns out it makes a great blindfold too... and un-scary due to it's vanilla nature.
  • Vanilla guys won't believe "anything they want". Expect them to go slowly and to be WATCHING YOU closely for any sign of "this isn't OK". In the beginning, it has to be overtly OK.


_____________________________

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/21/2009 6:42:50 PM   
xiam


Posts: 148
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Personally, i have never had much luck with this scenario.  If you consider yourself to be "sub by nature" and he's just open to a little kink, it might end up being a conflict depending on where your priorities lie.

In my experience, most people are open to the idea of kink, but BDSM (or pick another combination of letters) is an entirely different story.

Hope it all works out well for you two! :)

(in reply to jessiedeppth)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/21/2009 6:51:15 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Im a sub by nature, and i want him to control me, not the other way around.


He is possibly saying what you want to hear. Try to find someone that fits your needs, changing people does not work, ever - people change because they want or need to, not because of you.

(in reply to jessiedeppth)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/21/2009 6:55:57 PM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		You should tell him that you're interested in kink. Give him one of the basic BDSM primers, and let him find his own way. If he doesn't pursue it, then he's not interested. If he comes out of the learning experience subbie, then you've got some decision-making to make.

I advise you not to try and top from the bottom-teach him. I tried that for 4 years and it never never worked... if he's vanilla, he won't have any clue. I tried to convince Mr. Vanilla for 4 years, then split with him. He recently learned that I'm kinky, and told our mutual friend, "No she isn't, she's not into that stuff". Seriously, men can be powerfully blind when they want to be.

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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/21/2009 8:14:09 PM   
Joseff


Posts: 505
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

First off, accept the possibility that he may never devanillaicize, in which case you will have to make a hard decision.

Once you have accepted that, take him to munches and play parties.  Let him see Doms in action, and talk with people.  It's possible that there is an inner Dom inside of him that you will be able to bring out.

Then there's always telling him "Tonight I'm yours.  I will do anything you want", and see what happens.

Good luck.


Is that even a word?


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This is gonna hurt...

Joseff

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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/21/2009 8:15:33 PM   
Delphinus


Posts: 146
Joined: 11/26/2008
Status: offline 		Dialogue.  Talk about your sexual fantasies, what you like to do, what he likes to do....play a game with it.  Master and I have an ongoing competition "Who can be more sick?"  He and I are well past the point of shocking each other, but for just getting to know someone, it's a safe way for him to learn just exactly what you have in mind, without putting him on the spot and saying "I want you to do _____ to me."  He can either recoil in horror and you know you've got to move on, or he can match your fantasy with a smile and put a twist on it that you hadn't thought of. 

I don't think him being "very vanilla" means you will necessarily be changing him.  There are probably plenty of things that have simply never even crossed his mind before.  (I've been quite twisted for some time now and I can't believe I've never thought to put a __________ in ____________ and then __________.) 

Upon meeting, and even knowing very well, my Master would seem to be the most vanilla person you could ever meet.  I admit it's a cheap thrill to know what he's really like behind closed doors.  Don't let "vanilla" automatically turn you off. I do believe it's worth a shot to see what he comes around to. 



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(in reply to jessiedeppth)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/22/2009 9:37:11 AM   
jessiedeppth


Posts: 3
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline 		after reading this last night, him and I had a little bit of a talk, sharing personal fantasies with each other, and what he is willing to try here and there, but not all the time. he even agreed to go to FetCon with me later this year. Just to see what else there is. and he is not a sub in any way really, so i dont have to worry about him going sub. he likes ot be in controll, he told me as much, he just doesnt want to test the water sometimes. He is nervous he will do something i dont like and it will scare me away. but there is little he could do at this point, with me being so into him the way i am ^_^

we are going to start out small, blind folds, and see how he likes doing that. if not, then he said we cant go to velcrow handcuffs....and since i think both are hot, it works for me.

(in reply to Delphinus)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/22/2009 9:41:10 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

he likes ot be in controll, he told me as much, he just doesnt want to test the water sometimes.


What you have is a sub, and you're topping. But I guess you're going to have to find out the hard way..

(in reply to jessiedeppth)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/22/2009 9:43:35 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		No what you have here is a man who wants to make you happy. Whether that is what you want is a different matter.

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Nah I am not happy to see you either

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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/22/2009 9:59:32 AM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline 		At OP

do you need bdsm or do you need him to be happy?

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/22/2009 7:22:08 PM   
Masterandpride


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/21/2009
Status: offline 		Good Luck and Gods speed. Advice is just that! You both need to take time experiment at a comfortable pace and let the magic begin or not, Point is enjoy, the only thing we have for sure is today!

(in reply to TurboJugend)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/22/2009 8:46:08 PM   
vixenmoon


Posts: 35
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline 		I have tried "converting" before, and it's never worked.  Their interest turned out to be mild at best, though they claimed otherwise in the beginning.  (tried twice, if you're curious)  If he is *genuinely* interested, he'll hopefully be doing some searching and reading on his own.  If not, suggest that he do so.  Taking him to munches is also a great idea.  The matter that you're already topping from the bottom could be a sign of a few things really.  He could be more submissive himself, he could be unsure of himself (quite common for new Doms), he could just not be all that interested.  Good luck, hopefully it all works out for you.

< Message edited by vixenmoon -- 7/22/2009 8:49:06 PM >

(in reply to Masterandpride)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/23/2009 3:57:49 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Topping from the bottom might be necessary for a while... until he finds his feet and gets sick of it and tells you to shut up.... it happened to me i am happy to say

good luck

(in reply to jessiedeppth)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/23/2009 5:38:36 AM   
Samm24


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline 		I think, like vixenmoon, and some others have already suggested, that he may be unsure of himself and it may be unclear to him what exactly you are looking for and that it actually excites you. Even though you tell him explicitly, it may not get through to us guys, he may be scared to go too far or do things wrong, pushing you away. Don't judge him too quickly, but try to put him at ease, assuring him and he will gain more confidence.

Perhaps you can try getting behind the computer together and showing him some websites and pictures of what you find exciting. It will be more visual and he may find himself aroused too. Look for a relaxed atmosphere, where both of you feel free to comment on the things you are showing. Even show things that go too far for you, so he'll know that you also have limits and things you find scary, you will probably agree on them. And there is probably far too much to show on one evening, so there is no need to rush it. Make it a fun evening watching porn/bdsm sites together ;)

(in reply to ranja)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/23/2009 7:42:18 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Joseff

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

First off, accept the possibility that he may never devanillaicize, in which case you will have to make a hard decision.

Once you have accepted that, take him to munches and play parties.  Let him see Doms in action, and talk with people.  It's possible that there is an inner Dom inside of him that you will be able to bring out.

Then there's always telling him "Tonight I'm yours.  I will do anything you want", and see what happens.

Good luck.


Is that even a word?


he may never pervert ?


_____________________________

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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to Joseff)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/23/2009 7:52:30 PM   
vixenmoon


Posts: 35
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Samm24

I think, like vixenmoon, and some others have already suggested, that he may be unsure of himself and it may be unclear to him what exactly you are looking for and that it actually excites you.


I actually wasn't suggesting that it was the case, or even my opinion on it.  I have had very bad experiences in trying to do that, but I don't know the people in question and as such have no basis to even guess at the actuality.  Rather, I was simply pointing out that it is a possibility.  One of a number of possibilities.  Just for clarification.



< Message edited by vixenmoon -- 7/23/2009 7:55:00 PM >

(in reply to Samm24)
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RE: vanilla to bondage... - 7/23/2009 9:11:28 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		It's purely my opinion, but I think that Dominants either are, or are not.
Its who we are far more than what we do.

(in reply to vixenmoon)
Profile   Post #: 20
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