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'Coming out' experiences - 7/22/2009 6:56:03 PM   
brendover


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		Long story short, I was recently dating a girl with whom things were going really great, and besides sexually, we were otherwise totally compatible: tonnes of fun together, mutual attraction, similar interests, and pretty well anything else you could hope for in a relationship.  She called it off shortly after things turned physical, citing a lack of chemistry.  That kind of hurt at the time, but I couldn't have agreed more; the whole time I just felt as if I was just playing the part of what I assumed she wanted, a nonkinky guy, and I think she picked up on the fact that my heart really wasn't in it, which it totally wasn't.

So, the obvious question I've been struggling with is how to go about telling people about my kinky side.  Similar situations have happened to me enough times that I realize open and honest communication is going to be the only way of solving this problem, no matter how shy I am regarding this aspect of myself.

I guess my questions boils down to how do people generally go about letting others know about their kinky side (assuming you are meeting people in real life and not on a website dedicated to kinky people)?  'I'm not really interested in sex so much as I am in you tying me up and hurting me, but I am willing to do things I'm not interested in for your needs/the sake of the relationship' sounds a bit too clinical, 'I'm kinky' is a bit vague, and 'I think I'm a submissive masochist' might not mean much to anyone not accustomed to hearing these things.

How long do people usually wait before telling someone they have the potential to enter a relationship that they have a kinky side?

Anyone have great/horrific responses to letting someone know about your kinky side?
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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/22/2009 7:01:53 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Why be shy about it?  Just say "I'd like to please you.  What can I do?"  or "What would you like me to do?" when you're in bed with her.  

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to brendover)
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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 3:29:02 AM   
NyDaddysGirl


Posts: 75
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		In the past, I've "come out" to a few people I was seriously dating.  For the most part, it didn't phase them and many happily assumed the role of Dom.  That being said, I think some assumed the role just for the opportunity to be "bossy" rather than having any real inclinations toward Dominating.  I also think one was submissive and assumed a Dom role just to please me, if that makes sense.  Two were very much suited for the role of Dom and it worked out very well for the duration of the relationship.  I haven't had any horrific experiences.

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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 3:33:42 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I can't think of many people in my life who isn't explicitly aware, but thats because I am a bit of an activist in that regard. I think by treating it like something to hide or be ashamed of makes others view it in the same way.

I have had mostly great experiences, and now my dad asks for advice on toys and my sister ran up to me a while ago all excited that she had been spanked for the first time.

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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 7:24:07 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		People, for the most part, like a certain bit of kink. Sometimes you just need to try and feel the mood and gently introduce things rather than trying to be completely sexually straight-edge. And sometimes "introduce" doesn't mean talking about it (people like their spontaneity too). I've had dates where a playful spank ensued...and was able to gauge from the reaction that (a little later on in more private settings) it could be mutually thumbs-up to playing a little harder. 

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 7/23/2009 7:43:19 AM >

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(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 7:35:25 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brendover


I guess my questions boils down to how do people generally go about letting others know about their kinky side (assuming you are meeting people in real life and not on a website dedicated to kinky people)?  '


I only meet people from websites dedicated to other kinky people. It kind of saves time.


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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 8:36:09 AM   
janiebelle


Posts: 332
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Why be shy about it?  Just say "I'd like to please you.  What can I do?"  or "What would you like me to do?" when you're in bed with her.  


Unless the woman has already displayed an obvious propensity to dominate, saying something like this to a vanilla lover could go terribly awry.
If I were naked with a man, and he said something like that, my jaw would hit the floor and I would look at him like he had just sprouted another head from his shoulders.
I don't have a sexually dominant bone in  my body.  Upon hearing this, my response, if any, would likely be "Um, I'd like you to drop a nut and act like a man".
And this is only one reason I won't even consider a "regular" man as a romantic prospect ever again.
YMMV,
j

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 9:23:08 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...Anyone have great/horrific responses to letting someone know about your kinky side?...


all the vanilla folk this slave ever came out to told her she was one sick pathetic bitch that needed therapy, medications or both to "cure" her.
 
that went for everything from kinky sex to submission.
 
the ONLY great response this slave got was from someone who was also kinky and appreciated submission as something more than just an indicator of mental illness.

(in reply to brendover)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 10:10:03 AM   
Surata


Posts: 110
Joined: 7/10/2008
Status: offline 		I came out to my grandmother years ago and she was highly amused (mostly because she figured it out long before I thought to talk about it). I got outed to the rest of my family and several friends by a vindictive ex-fuckbuddy. No one batted an eye and he ended up looking like an idiot. The man I am dating now knows about it, isn't terribly interested, but isn't fazed by it either. We've hit a nice balance.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 3:39:00 PM   
blmtrsne


Posts: 201
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline 		What's the alternative in a relation: being silent for the next 50 years? We don't tell people outside our mariage, but I'm glad My slave/husband had the courage to ask me to be his Mistress. That was back in 1988. Some friends suspect something because they saw my attitude on several occasions, some raised an eyebrow, and once I lent my slave out so he could take care of a sick girlfriend of mine (no play, no sex, only day to day service like doing the shopping). But our relation is 24/7: almost no play, lots of service.

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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 3:49:16 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Rule of thumb is that if you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it. Don't go into detail saying you want to be forced into wearing a pony butt plug and have to pull her about in a carriage, or that you want her to put on her high heels and kick you in the balls repeatedly. Just a simply phrase like "I am happier in a relationship with a woman who takes the lead". Then see what she says.

If she says she prefers the man take the lead, wish her good luck because you aren't compatible. If she says that sounds interesting, and what exactly did you mean by that then answer that you prefer the woman decide where you go, what you do, and especially that she is in charge in the bedroom. Nothing lewd about that but it gets the point across.

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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 3:59:30 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline 		Why oh why do kinksters feel they need to wear this stuff on their sleave?  I'm no more interested in others' vanilla sex lives as I am their kinky sex lives.  The only two people that need to "know" are you and the person you're involved with.  It's akin to someone wanting to tell everyone they like Disco?!!  I mean really... it's nobody's business but your own.  And if you have some burning need to tell others, then I'd question why???  Often, it's really little more than seeking the approval of others instead of feeling secure in yourself.

Now, as to dating?  You generally have an idea of what someone's personality and mannerisms are about by watching them.  So, if that test passes, then see how you get on as people. If that test passes, then simply say where dating is concerned, you prefer a more Dominant or submissive partner; both sexually and non-sexually.

No need to advertise to the world... most don't want to know anyway.


< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 7/23/2009 4:11:05 PM >

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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 4:07:07 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
"I am happier in a relationship with a woman who takes the lead". Then see what she says.

If she says she prefers the man take the lead, wish her good luck because you aren't compatible. If she says that sounds interesting, and what exactly did you mean by that then answer that you prefer the woman decide where you go, what you do, and especially that she is in charge in the bedroom. Nothing lewd about that but it gets the point across.

OP, I suggest you print this out and hold onto it.


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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/23/2009 4:15:26 PM   
SoulPiercer


Posts: 374
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
I only meet people from websites dedicated to other kinky people. It kind of saves time.


This is my primary approach as well. If I do happen to meet someone in some other fashion and they make it known they have an interest in me, I tell them that I'm probably far too kinky for their tastes. This usually leads them to ask what I mean and voila .. the door is now open.

Once I explain exactly what I mean, 99% of time we both find I was correct. I was far too kinky for them. As for the 1%, it's been almost 2 years now and I haven't been able to get rid of her.

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Do you have any idea how many bones you have left for me to break? - Batman

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RE: 'Coming out' experiences - 7/24/2009 6:23:41 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		there is also a deep love there that is very cool I think that rules and telling a nilla your kinker then all get out is easier these days then it was in the past but if someone loves you they will accept you for who you are not what sexual stuff you do remeber a person first ds second

(in reply to blmtrsne)
Profile   Post #: 15
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