Its all in the mind

Its all in the mind (Full Version)

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LillyoftheVally -> Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 3:55:16 AM)
A recent relationship and a couple of posts have got me thinking about this. I was with a guy who I met through a munch. He was sweet and all that but there was a problem, namely the d/s was very much bedroom based. I mentioned a few things that I have enjoyed in the past and he jumped on them, using them every single time we had 'sexy' time. It made me realise that the actions did very little for me. He was doing it purely to get me off which therefore didnt. Much as it was sweet that he wanted to make me happy I now feel more like there was a fairly simple thing missing, dominance. I remember there used to be a girl on here who said that her master could cause agony with a feather when punishing her, I kinda get that now. To what extent do you think that it is intent rather than action that creates power exchange?

TurboJugend -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 3:59:23 AM)
That depends on the partner and your own mindset..at that time. Tomorrow with an other person it could be different. I don't think there is a real explantion behind it. (to go theoritical anyway...lol.... it is a mixture of action and intent)

Prinsexx -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 4:17:10 AM)
I find it very difficult to tell a dom what I want. I find it very difficult to confess: because I know from experience I am going to get what I want and the dynamic has been inverted. I've had a wonderful relationship with what I would call a 'service dom'.. all sensation and perfect sensation for me: whatever I suggested I wanted, but very little in the way of dominance and control. I don't like it so much when they like me that much. Although I need reciprocity. I'm working on this.

TreasureKY -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 4:22:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally To what extent do you think that it is intent rather than action that creates power exchange? If a guy intended to come across as dominant, but his actions reflected that he was only doing so in order to please me and/or win my affection (or because he thought he was supposed to), then there's no "power exchange" and I'm not interested. On the other hand, I don't believe actions, in and of themselves, define dominance. For me, dominance isn't a behavior but rather a mindset and personality trait. A person could purposely exert dominance for emphasis, but it needs to be there in their attitude regardless of their actions. To what extent, I don't think I could accurately quantify, but I'd say roughly most of the time... to some degree.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 4:26:42 AM)
I was with someone who was a Top but did not dominate. I did feel that something was missing and topping from the bottom was unsatisfying.Still, I have never got everything I want in relationships so I accepted it. I think I am more relationship based than purely BDSM based. Although at this point, I am not sure how I would function in the strictly vanilla world.

Prinsexx -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 5:17:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 I was with someone who was a Top but did not dominate. I did feel that something was missing and topping from the bottom was unsatisfying.Still, I have never got everything I want in relationships so I accepted it. I think I am more relationship based than purely BDSM based. Although at this point, I am not sure how I would function in the strictly vanilla world. Dear luscious With regard to not getting everything one wants in a relationship.... me too. But then again there is a theory that we are the results of our communication. So, as I can only speak for me, I absolutely realise that I have always 'settled'. Huge breakthrough for me. I have settled for component parts of what I want. Now I have done this for various reasons. First I have to say was inexperience and not knowing exactly what I wanted from an other-than-vanilla, Secondly I thought I had to 'put up' with less because as a submissive I could not ask for what I wanted. Third, I found it, still find it near impossible to ask for what I want. So: my solution. Stick out for what I want. Refuse to enter into a relationship with anyone that is less than what I want. And then be brave, feel worthy, communicate when asked, what it is that I want. Then there is very little opportunity for there to be a split between 'mind' and 'body' domination. Intent is one thing. But putting intention into practice is everything no matter which side of the kneel one is.

olena -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 5:25:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally To what extent do you think that it is intent rather than action that creates power exchange? If a guy intended to come across as dominant, but his actions reflected that he was only doing so in order to please me and/or win my affection (or because he thought he was supposed to), then there's no "power exchange" and I'm not interested. On the other hand, I don't believe actions, in and of themselves, define dominance. For me, dominance isn't a behavior but rather a mindset and personality trait. A person could purposely exert dominance for emphasis, but it needs to be there in their attitude regardless of their actions. To what extent, I don't think I could accurately quantify, but I'd say roughly most of the time... to some degree. I think we have all been there in terms of when a person is doing something more for what they think we want and not what they are really wanting. I think for us submissives this is just not a good thing and when done in the vain of power exchange is an empty feeling. Like TreasureKY wrote dominance is not in a specific action or a desire for some end product but in the person’s personality, mindset and ability to dominate a willing other person. Toys and BDSM are merely tools that can express that and not domination by themselves.

daintydimples -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 5:29:59 AM)
I call it "taking control." Either someone can do that to me (for me) or they can't. It has to do with their personal force of will. I tend to be highly attracted to someone who is stronger than me, unfortunately, I do not stumble across it very often.

Whenready -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 5:30:11 AM)
It's both, and more - I would include attitude too. Actions do speak louder than words - but the pen is still mightier than the sword. Sometimes it's action - the physical. Sometimes it's mental - the look which says - yes I know you want to brat - but if you do - be very sure you will accept the consequences. It can be a combination of both - yes I know this is outside your comfort zone - trust Me on the basis of My track record so far. On occasion attitude - while I like My sub to be happy - this is for Me - if you happen to enjoy it too that's a bonus, but you will comply. Am sure you can provide plenty of different examples - what matters os that they work for Him and you.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 5:36:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 I was with someone who was a Top but did not dominate. I did feel that something was missing and topping from the bottom was unsatisfying.Still, I have never got everything I want in relationships so I accepted it. I think I am more relationship based than purely BDSM based. Although at this point, I am not sure how I would function in the strictly vanilla world. Dear luscious With regard to not getting everything one wants in a relationship.... me too. But then again there is a theory that we are the results of our communication. So, as I can only speak for me, I absolutely realise that I have always 'settled'. Huge breakthrough for me. I have settled for component parts of what I want. Now I have done this for various reasons. First I have to say was inexperience and not knowing exactly what I wanted from an other-than-vanilla, Secondly I thought I had to 'put up' with less because as a submissive I could not ask for what I wanted. Third, I found it, still find it near impossible to ask for what I want. So: my solution. Stick out for what I want. Refuse to enter into a relationship with anyone that is less than what I want. And then be brave, feel worthy, communicate when asked, what it is that I want. Then there is very little opportunity for there to be a split between 'mind' and 'body' domination. Intent is one thing. But putting intention into practice is everything no matter which side of the kneel one is. Well, I am currently not settling. Hence, I am alone...

Missokyst -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 5:48:31 AM)
This is where I am now. I am sometimes with a partner I like and respect but there is no control when we play. It is a bit like eating just to eat. Intent is more what I respond to, action alone is not enough. Kyst

daintydimples -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 6:08:01 AM)
I understand exactly what you mean, missokyst. When I was (much) younger, I used to go the fuck buddy route. These days if sex doesn't mean something, I just can't be bothered. Which means I have long periods of celebacy (not my strong suit). Occasionally I run across a domlet who looks tempting. but let's face it, it's just not the same when you have to say: "Don't talk sweetie, or you'll blow my fantasy all to hell."

rideemwet -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 6:44:05 AM)
From my perspective: a Dom is taking control and also accepting responsibility for emotional and physical safety and well-being, and playing the tradeoff a bit between the emotional and physical. Within that framework my intent will vary widely, from just the need to mess with the subs head, to fulfill my desires, to the intent to provide for her needs. The differences in the actions between those intents are quite subtle, i.e., how much attention I pay to her reactions, but the intent drives the actions. It would seem that the mix of intentions is probably the biggest variation between different styles of domination, just need to find one that has the right mix for you. After that you add the ability to read the situation, if the sub is totally unreadable then the Dom is in over his head. Of course this isn't a one size fits all thing. So did the Dom have the wrong intent for you or did he misread things?

daintydimples -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 6:50:00 AM)
If a sub is totally unreadable, you have failed to get inside her head. That's your bad.

rideemwet -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 6:56:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daintydimples If a sub is totally unreadable, you have failed to get inside her head. That's your bad. And if a sub is totally readable and predictable I'll loose interest. A balance ...

NihilusZero -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 6:56:44 AM)
This is an interesting topic as the prevailing underlying point appears to be the 'energy' of an interaction where the dominant is essentially focused on himself and how, through that, the sub feels there is a genuine dominance being displayed. I think excerpts like these: quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY If a guy intended to come across as dominant, but his actions reflected that he was only doing so in order to please me and/or win my affection (or because he thought he was supposed to), then there's no "power exchange" and I'm not interested. Are a strange tightrope walk because it's saying that if the Dom does something to please the sub, the power exchange isn't there....all the while the entire point of the thread being that many subs want a self-motivated Dom, so even in that case he'd still be giving them what they seek. I think most of this will fall under the human habit of wanting things to "just fit magically" in our intimate reactions with our partners. We'd want them to pick our our favorite restaurant to eat out at without knowing what it was. And while I'd agree that there is something about that to desire, I think it bears being vigilant to the fact that we can tend to be biased that way in order to properly weigh situations so we're not making unrealistic expectations because our partner isn't always seemingly telepathic.

NihilusZero -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 7:02:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daintydimples If a sub is totally unreadable, you have failed to get inside her head. That's your bad. This, again, is an example of it. The 'magical telepathy' occurrence is, more often than not, fortunate cold reading and or moderate psychological savvy by the Dom in question. If those are some of the qualities a sub would want in a partner, then surely it makes sense for that to be considered exceedingly attractive. But, is the sexiness of this "he knew what I needed without knowing!" phenomenon really pervasive enough that some are prone to ditch the entire question of whether they feel compatibility or not based on it alone?

daintydimples -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 7:21:42 AM)
I never even implied that someone could "magically" get inside my head. I would find anyone inferring that they could highly condescending. Which is frankly how I find your response; you made many assumptions there. That I "feel" someone has a stronger will than my own and am attracted to that does not mean I jump into a relationship expecting everything to "magically" work out. Quite the contrary in fact. Neither do I expect anyone to be telepathic in terms of my wants, needs, or desires. In my always strong opinion, for a Dominate to get inside a sub's head, on some level at least, she has to want him there.

Prinsexx -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 7:26:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daintydimples If a sub is totally unreadable, you have failed to get inside her head. That's your bad. If they can't get in my head then they definitely don't get in my bed. Those days are long gone.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 7:28:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero This is an interesting topic as the prevailing underlying point appears to be the 'energy' of an interaction where the dominant is essentially focused on himself and how, through that, the sub feels there is a genuine dominance being displayed. I agree, and I understand that for some pleasing the other is a pleasure in itself however for my personal taste I prefer someone to lead rather than follow my experiences every time. That for me is what dominance is about. That doesn't mean never doing something that a sub asks or not thinking of their feelings but I like to follow.

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