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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 12:42:09 PM

CreativeDominant

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I'm fond of both, it just depends on what aspect of the relationship you are talking about. I don't care to spend a lot of time building up to the "S** and K***" talk. I don't want to spend a lot of time fencing and parrying about D/s before laying out what sort of structure I have in mind for my D/s dynamic and for my romantic dynamic and how the two intertwine. Once we have gotten to that though, I slow down. As noted by Calla, bita and others...trust is not something that comes quickly. I've had too many fuck-ups and I've had too many partners whose needs...whether emotional, physical, or mental...were considered by them to be more important than mine and who expected me to think that same way. I want to make sure that a submissive has reached a point where MY needs are at least AS important to her as her own, if not more so. Neither is learning the ins and outs of dealing with your respective views, even when they are similar in compatibility to each other. And then, there is life to consider. While it may sound great to say to someone, "Pick up and move to where I am right now", in actuality it usually can't work that way. Things such as children, finances, career, job opportunities, odds on the relationship continuing in a successful direction based on what you know about each other in face-to-face visits, phone-to-phone visits, and mails at this point in time all come into play. All these slower things doesn't stop me from wanting to be involved with someone at a deep level and getting there without all the fluff that goes on in much of vanilla dating/courtship but it is there and is the brake to my own acceleration process.

(in reply to TakeuBeyond)

Post #: 21

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 1:31:22 PM

DomImus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
However to set the record straight many of these Fast Forward Effect relationships don’t last….. Neither did the ones where I took my time and played coy and did the "feel out" phase.

Which is a perfect reason not to adhere to your strategy or any given strategy when it comes to meeting people. Everybody has to have a "schtick" when it involves meeting people, it seems. I just always let the relationship dictate. Some heated up quickly and cooled as quickly, others heated up and stayed there for a good while, others took time to grow... you get the picture.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 22

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 1:40:48 PM

Lockit

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I have gone slow and I have gone fast. I see no difference in how the relationships went by the amount of time spent before we did certain things. In fact... I actually prefere getting right in there and finding out what takes years to find out in a living apart situation that goes slowly.

My grandmother used to say... you don't know a man until you live with him and I learned this in my own experience.

Jumping in doesn't mean you jump out of common sense or jump into legalities and such that would make you suffer for jumping in. There are ways to protect yourself and still jump in and get to know what you want to know. Just know the law, know how to protect yourself and be an adult.

And as Greedy said... I ain't getting any younger. When I see what I like and he gets past some of my personal test or requirements in a mate/ lover... I am all in rather than on a fence. I won't settle... and take my time that way, but when it is time for a party... damn it... I am there with my party hat on! lol

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Post #: 23

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 1:42:37 PM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I look at it this way... I aint getting any younger, and I have long since left high school.. I have no qualms about seeing what I want and going for it...

Agree to her view.

On top of that I wasted once two years of my life to a bloke with giving him way too much patience and understanding...was it helpful? Nope it wasn't. I had plans to leave London for a while up north and he said it wouldn't make sense because of our "relationship." I gave my part and stayed in London...but that did not make him any easier to give it a serious go...so that lesson taught me well and by now any patience or understanding is not getting any guy anywhere. If I would be together with someone seriously (so serious that we would live together) then I am fine to give healthy amount of that stuff (patience and/or understanding for whatever) but before I am with someone at such a stage...nada....nix...niente...sold out...not available from my side.

Either a guy is seriously looking for a relationship and wants to give it a try...or not. If not, then he is well adviced to stay well away from me.

A while ago I dated an american guy on here who lives in Germany at the moment...nice guy, great in many ways...and a far too huge mouth. However, I was willing to "believe his words that he would be 'not like the others'

" and we had overall quite a good weekend when we met. We chattet online about 8 months and spoke quite a lot about how easy it would be to get to know each other with him living in Germany (as american) and me (as a German) living in England and how we would have the summer ahead to "date" each other with being quite local.

However, despite the fact that he said we would meet again about 6 weeks later (during his stay and in chats afterwards) and that in his opinion we did a good start he THEN FINALLY (after he already wasted months until he got his butt over to here - as he did not want to meet at his place) made clear kind off that he would not exchange his phone number (which he pretended he would before we met once we meet) and that he would never want his kids to think that he would ever let a woman into his house (now...whilst I agree to give it time until kids would get to know new partners in his case his kids are living in america...not in germany...)

That was then the beginning of the end as I certainly don't bother to take a bloke serious who starts to use his kids, which are living on another continent, as an excuse and just bothers to come over when his boss pays for everything (he came over when he had a meeting with his boss here) and on top of it has the convenience to be only available "when HE wants" in his "hiding place" (with me being unable to give him a call and only being able to chat when he discloses to be online.). Therefore, nope, I gave him enough patience with his snail speed to meet finally, but could not be bothered to take him serious, even when he of course blamed me like "for you it's either black or white."

Therefore, if the guy needs to cling onto his breaks when he dates me....then he musn't be surprised to see the backlights of my car...just because it is convenient and great for him to take every time he wants, does not mean that I agree to that and put up with it. Either a person is looking for a relationship or not, and I simply think personally that if he does need that much time that he is either not ready, or that he does not want a relationship with me (which is fine but then he should at least have the balls to say so) or just enjoys the convenience to fool around or tries to keep me as a handy "back-up" in case someone else in his interest might not work out. And that's not going to work for long with me, thats for sure.

< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 7/23/2009 1:47:31 PM >

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Post #: 24

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 1:44:29 PM

SteelofUtah

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Of Course DomImus, Anyone who thinks that there is a stistic that works for everyone is somewaht looney and this is why I put the part you quoted in my thread.

The thing coming up most offten and which I find interesting is the need for earned Trust and I like to ask how one does that?

There is no act that a person can do that will make me trust that they are incapable of doing something the other way, or that they weren't just doing it to look impressive. Trust is one of those things that I think some people like to use as a boundry.

See Just as I believe once lost it is impossible to get trust back I also believe that trust is just something you are given and if you abuse or lose it you don't really get a second chance.

Because of this I trust just about everyone until they give me a reason not to, for some it can simply be the way they carry themselves around me that will give me a reason not to trust them.

Trust, although very important in a relationship is all up to the person doing the trusting and has little if anything to do with the person who is to be trusted unless it is in the negative and then that is the rule that proves the exception. The rule is that someone who is untrustworthy is untrustworthy. the exceptionis that someone who seems untrustworthy turns out to be. This is why people foucs on the Earning of trust, but I ask the honest question what can someone do what is a physical act they can do to earn your trust other than Not abuse it? If that is the case then I would ask how many days a person has to go without abusing your trust to be considered trustworthy and what happens if after that they abuse your trust what was the purpose in the practice of earning trust?

I say Trust but pay attention and be aware and willing to admit what is really there.

Steel

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Post #: 25

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 2:21:40 PM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

The thing coming up most offten and which I find interesting is the need for earned Trust and I like to ask how one does that?

Steel

It took me four years to find out I couldn't trust my ex partner.... how longs a piece of string?
I could of talked to someone on here, on the phone, on msn for a year or so and they may well of been leading me right up the garden path.
As far as meeting S all I can say is that I knew with certainty that, that was his real name, that's where he really lived and some of his history from my friends that knew him. All that was left was for me to get to know him and the best way to do that was being with him.

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Post #: 26

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 2:41:56 PM

lally2

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noone shows themselves to be untrustworthy from the start - far from it, they will promote themselves to the enth degree to get who they want and what they want from them. so in a way, hanging out for the trust to build is somewhat moot.

trust is one of those things you kinda want to give - it shows youre not burnt out and jaded, youre still open and friendly and prepared to take a chance. life hasnt bitten too much out of you, you still have that quality that embraces life and people and damn, i dont want to ever lose that

so i trust and sometimes that costs and sometimes it pays out.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 27

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 2:53:56 PM

windchymes

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I developed a theory about that way back in the 90's when the Yahoo and MSN chatrooms were still fun places to be. Online, at least, (I'm not talking about real life Fast-forwarding), relationships do seem to progress way more quickly than in real life. This, for the most part, is because when you're online, all you have to do is talk. In real life, you go out on a date, you sit in a dark theatre and watch a movie, silently. You have dinner together, constantly interrupted by waitstaff and other distractions. You go bowling, or to some sporting event, once again, watching or participating in something other than really talking and getting to know one another. Etc.

Online, it always seemed like you would gain weeks and months worth of knowledge about another person in just a few hours or days, because you don't have all the other activities distracting you. You just talked. Pair that with the lack of inhibition that anonymity, not having direct eye-contact, and/or knowing you're not going to face that person the next day unless you choose to, and you tend to ask questions and reveal way more about yourself online than you most likely would have should you have simply met in real life. You tend to get things off your chest that you might have kept a secret otherwise, because of the anonymity, or, you have the courage to ask and answer questions that would usually be too personal to ask to someone you just met in real life.

It's the nature of the beast, IMO....anonymity and lack of distraction just leads to deeper conversations.

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Post #: 28

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 3:02:29 PM

CaringandReal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

Fast forward stuff sound to me as soemthing that happens..but not is planned.
with some people you want to marry the same night..it happens...others keep distance..and you wait for them..

That's what I experience, too. Once I decide to connect, I pretty much follow the lead of the dom and move at their pace.

(in reply to TurboJugend)

Post #: 29

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 3:25:41 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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It depends... fast-forward to get to know someone is one thing... fast-forward to commence humping their leg is another. Also, it tends to come off as a bit desperate, even insecure in some ways.

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Post #: 30

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 3:29:02 PM

littlewonder

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I don't think I take things slow or fast. I take them at a pace that we both are comfortable with.

But I am not one to just jump and dive. I want to build a relationship on something more than vibes and sexual chemistry. I want to know they are the right person for me in every way. I want to know that our morals and values are compatible. Will we mess in family life? Careers? What directions are our lives moving? Can we succeed on a level of more than just that initial hotness for each other?

I'm in this for the long haul..not just until the fireworks disappear and you can't do that after just a couple of conversations or dates.

(in reply to Lucylastic)

Post #: 31

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 4:40:48 PM

TreasureKY

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From: Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

The thing coming up most offten and which I find interesting is the need for earned Trust and I like to ask how one does that?

Well... yeah, it is earned. But in a backwards sort of way.

Think of it like a loan. I trusted Firm was truthful with me the first time we talked and, in essence, I loaned him my trust. That first conversation (via instant messenger) lasted over twelve hours and we covered a lot of ground. Once we'd met in person to verify that there was chemistry, all that was left was to "pay off the loan". Every action of Firm's that positively confirmed what he'd already led me to believe, was a "payment" on that loan and helped to solidify his possession of my trust.

Any actions that might have made me question if he had been truthful to me would have been thought of as if he were late on making a payment... not enough to default on the loan, just a note on his "file". Enough "late payments", and he might have been classified as a bad risk... more "late payments" than not would have caused closure of the account and repossession of my trust.

Thank goodness I didn't have to deal with that.

Essentially, trust is initially given freely, but permanent possession is earned by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior... being the person you present yourself to be.

So... in a way, Firm earned ownership of my trust.

In terms of how quickly that happened? I don't know... how do you define "fast"?

< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 7/23/2009 4:53:31 PM >

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 32

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 4:50:44 PM

Prinsexx

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Not to hijack the thread...but you know what I hate?
It's that bloody re-wind button: when the relationship gets suck and now matter how much you want to move on it's the same old same old....
is that a pattern?

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Post #: 33

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 5:20:05 PM

crouchingtigress

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I meet people, some are in race cars like myself, and I instantly play in the fast lane with them, going around bends at break neck speeds, and some folks are new, and on thier bike and I have no problem (well a little problem but just not mentally) to get on my bike too, and pedal at a slower pace.

I am with a new one right now, so much potential and I am happy to show him everything, but Ill do it as he becomes ready, because if I go too fast I can loose them.

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Post #: 34

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 5:29:08 PM

catize

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quote:

Trust, although very important in a relationship is all up to the person doing the trusting and has little if anything to do with the person who is to be trusted

I have to trust myself first and listen to that little alarm bell that rings in the back of my mind. I have regretted the times I ignored that bell.
For the many people who jumped and it worked out wonderfully, there are just as many if not more that it didn’t.

quote:

If that is the case then I would ask how many days a person has to go without abusing your trust to be considered trustworthy

I agree, trust can be broken at any time in the relationship. I lost a 25 year friendship because that person became unreliable, unstable and scary. And I have been the ‘victim’ of lack of trust from the other person; not based on my behaviors, but because people from their past were not trustworthy.

quote:

what can someone do what is a physical act they can do to earn your trust other than Not abuse it

When meeting someone new, I want actions to match words.
If he says he has a job, I want to see his ass getting out of bed to go to work.
If he says he will meet me for coffee at 11 a.m. on Saturday I want him to show up.
If he tells me bits about his life, I want to hear details that are consistent.
And every day I want to see that what he does is in harmony with who he says he is.

quote:

if after that they abuse your trust what was the purpose in the practice of earning trust?

I don’t know. Maybe they think I’m stupid. Maybe they believe their own hype. Maybe they believe they can pretend long enough that I will forgive the lies or that I have invested so much time I won’t leave.

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Post #: 35

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 6:19:22 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

The thing coming up most offten and which I find interesting is the need for earned Trust and I like to ask how one does that?

Demonstrate consistancy in word and action and that takes time.

quote:

There is no act that a person can do that will make me trust that they are incapable of doing something the other way, or that they weren't just doing it to look impressive. Trust is one of those things that I think some people like to use as a boundry.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by this. Are you talking about some litmus test for trust? Like, leave money on the table and see if they steal it or something? I think I'm misreading this or just having a slow comprehension day .. it is 2:00 AM here. lol

quote:

See Just as I believe once lost it is impossible to get trust back I also believe that trust is just something you are given and if you abuse or lose it you don't really get a second chance.

Because of this I trust just about everyone until they give me a reason not to, for some it can simply be the way they carry themselves around me that will give me a reason not to trust them.

I agree with the losing trust part.. but automatic trust? To what level? You don't give your ATM pin number out to just anyone, right?

quote:

Trust, although very important in a relationship is all up to the person doing the trusting and has little if anything to do with the person who is to be trusted unless it is in the negative and then that is the rule that proves the exception. The rule is that someone who is untrustworthy is untrustworthy. the exceptionis that someone who seems untrustworthy turns out to be. This is why people foucs on the Earning of trust, but I ask the honest question what can someone do what is a physical act they can do to earn your trust other than Not abuse it? If that is the case then I would ask how many days a person has to go without abusing your trust to be considered trustworthy and what happens if after that they abuse your trust what was the purpose in the practice of earning trust?

Trust, for me, isn't something earned in a matter of days.. or even weeks. First, and foremost, I trust my own gut. I trust my powers of observation, they are excellent. I look for consistancy and integrity in the little things. Do you eat a grape to test that batch at the grocery store? Well, that's stealing, so I wouldn't trust you not to steal because if you will steal a grape (which costs less than a penny) what else will you steal? You're too cheap to pay a penny, so how am I supposed to trust that you won't steal a dime or a dollar or $1000? Once the risk/benefit cost is worth while, then I'll trust. Until then, I keep it fairly superficial. The purpose of that practice is to maximize the benefits while minimizing the costs .. same way I practice BDSM activities. I think it would be awesome to jump naked out of an airplane and just freefall .. but the cost of that benefit is a bit to high to pay since death just for a few minutes of thrill doesn't work out so well in the long run. ::chuckles:: I'm frugal that way!

quote:

I say Trust but pay attention and be aware and willing to admit what is really there.

Steel

So, how long do you have to know someone before handing out your pin number? How many days before your new unicorn is going to get the access to your bank account or are you going with that automatic trust thing and she already has them? I'm just curious as to how far your trust really extends? If you trust, why do you have to pay attention and be aware? To me, if I trust you it means I don't have to pay attention .. you've already earned it and that's why not many people have my complete trust. Himself, some of my family members .. one lady on this site who I trust enough with my grandkids (and it doesn't get bigger than that for me, so if she needed my pin numbers, she would get them). I suppose if it's just given, that makes sense but then, is that really trust?

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Post #: 36

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 6:49:37 PM

MzMia

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Trust, for me, isn't something earned in a matter of days.. or even weeks. First, and foremost, I trust my own gut. I trust my powers of observation, they are excellent. I look for consistancy and integrity in the little things. Do you eat a grape to test that batch at the grocery store? Well, that's stealing, so I wouldn't trust you not to steal because if you will steal a grape (which costs less than a penny) what else will you steal? You're too cheap to pay a penny, so how am I supposed to trust that you won't steal a dime or a dollar or $1000? Once the risk/benefit cost is worth while, then I'll trust. Until then, I keep it fairly superficial. The purpose of that practice is to maximize the benefits while minimizing the costs .. same way I practice BDSM activities. I think it would be awesome to jump naked out of an airplane and just freefall .. but the cost of that benefit is a bit to high to pay since death just for a few minutes of thrill doesn't work out so well in the long run. ::chuckles:: I'm frugal that way!

So, how long do you have to know someone before handing out your pin number? How many days before your new unicorn is going to get the access to your bank account or are you going with that automatic trust thing and she already has them? I'm just curious as to how far your trust really extends? If you trust, why do you have to pay attention and be aware? To me, if I trust you it means I don't have to pay attention .. you've already earned it and that's why not many people have my complete trust. Himself, some of my family members .. one lady on this site who I trust enough with my grandkids (and it doesn't get bigger than that for me, so if she needed my pin numbers, she would get them). I suppose if it's just given, that makes sense but then, is that really trust?

Excellent post as usual Celeste!
I wasn't even going to bother answering this thread, until I saw your post.
Real trust for me is earned, not easily extended instantly.

As an adult, we have the right to live our lives in the manner we see fit.
As my daddy always tells me: "You can always make the choice, but you will not
always be able to choose the consequences."

I don't mind taking the time to get to know someone well, if we appear to be compatible.
"The Fast Forward Effect" does not float my boat, so it is not my cup of tea.
But for those that enjoy living life that way, go ahead and jump right in!

As always, To each their own!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 7/23/2009 7:04:08 PM >

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Post #: 37

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 8:18:15 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
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From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

If you are NOT a fan of the Fast Forward Effect, I am not so curious as to why you aren’t but rather what keeps you taking things slow?

I'm definitely the type of person who prefers to take things slowly. It's fine with me if the relationship takes some time to fully develope, as long as I can feel a steady and gradual progression. Why? It's a matter of having a certain comfort level, and I think I'm just more comfortable taking things slowly.

Nothing repels me more quickly than someone who grips me too tightly or tries to pressure me. It just feels like desperation to me, and I recoil immediately when I'm under that kind of a push. Giving me space to move around in is what draws me closer to a person. Further, I don't need to have it yesterday, therefore "fast forwarding" isn't something I'm inclined to do. Having said all of this, I won't last in a stagnating relationship either, where you're just peddling in the same place going nowhere for months without feeling like it's getting off the ground. That shit drives me stark raving mad.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 38

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 8:52:16 PM

DemonKia

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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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FR, after read thru

I'm a slow burner. I detest being 'hurried' & I like to go slow, in everything. I've learned the long, hard way that the speedy thing is uncomfortable for me. Anymore, I take my own sweet time in most everything. Hurrying tends to bring out anxious, pressured feelings in me.

*shrugs*

It's just how I am. & it's yet another freaky aspect of myself that contrasts sharply against the general hurry-scurry nature of US culture. Once I recognized this difference & started respecting & nurturing this aspect of myself, my anxiety & discomfort levels came down accordingly. I'm thrilled that I finally figured this out about myself, in the last decade or so . . . . .

As to the trust discussion, I had an additional thought above & beyond the previously mentioned idea that it can take time to see how well actions match up with words.

I am frequently perceived by new acquaintances as practicing 'instant intimacy', but that's not what it is. I'm just blunt honest & pretty comfortable revealing all kinds of intimate stuff about myself with relative strangers. In the last few years I've come to realize that many people associate increasing honesty with increasing intimacy & they don't have another contextual framework to hang my intense level of honesty on . . . . . So there's a tendency to experience my brutal honesty as some kind of signifier of deeper relationship, when it's just that I'm very forthwith & revealing . ..

Which framework leads around to understanding my experience that most people take quite a bit of time to start being deeply honest & revealing, & that initially there's a lot of pretense & artifice & facade to protect self . . . . . Especially about stuff around love & desire & deep hurts & perceived weaknesses . . . . .

Purely my experience . . . .

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Post #: 39

RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/23/2009 9:05:30 PM

Kana

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When I see something I want, I do what it takes to get it and i don't care much for letting things stand in my way.
This is in almost all areas of my life, not just D/S.

Call me egotistical, but I think it's a dominant trait

(in reply to Lucylastic)

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: The Fast Forward Effect.

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