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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/28/2009 10:08:01 AM

TurboJugend

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Just curious..who decides what is slow and what is fast?

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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/28/2009 4:05:00 PM

DemonKia

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Good question, Turbo . . . . .

In my case it's mostly the case that I'm just kinda slow about everything, & someone who needs more speed is gonna have incompatibility issues, it would seem . . .. . The most concrete example of this pervasive slowness preference in my life is that I'd rather ride a bicycle or walk than get in a car. I feel uncomfortable & anxious whether the fast thing is a car or a relationship.

I can tolerate getting in cars occasionally, but if I'm doing it all the time the anxiety becomes way more than I'm willing to put up with in my over-all life . . .. . Same for anything else, I can tolerate the occasional burst of speed, especially if it's needful, but if everything has to be hurry-scurry, then it's not the space in which I thrive . . . . .

I used to feel 'bad' about this stuff . . . . . That I might be 'missing out' on stuff, or that I wasn't 'keeping up' with all those others speeding by me . . . . . But the flip was that when I attempted to do the 'all American quickie hustle' I did not do the quality of work, effort, end-result that I knew I was capable of . . . . . But if I took my own time, felt relaxed with the pacing, I turn out good stuff. That my sometimes lethargic pace is the way I maximize what I have to offer . .. . .

& there's also that my 'slow' can look like someone else's 'fast', depending on what that thing is: I'm an apparently frighteningly fast typist, for example, tho' I didn't give it any thought 'til some 'outsider' saw me typing & commented. I always feel that my typing is too slow cuz it doesn't keep up with the flow of my thoughts . ... . .

Or thinking . . . . . On one hand, I rationally know that my thoughts flow by at a pretty good clip. But on the other, since I frequently think of that really good come-back a coupla days too late, I sometimes feel like I don't think fast enough . ... .

Okay. That's enough thoughts on some of my notions on the relativity of 'fast' & 'slow' . .. . .

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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/28/2009 4:14:31 PM

leadership527

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I guess I'm a little confused about this Steel. Kind of by definition, doesn't everyone, you included, go at what seem to be the right speed [to you]? I don't know that I either hurry my relationships forward or hold them back. Chronology just isn't all that important to me. My feeling is that the relationship unfolds as it does and I'm inclined to just let that happen. The only part of me that relates to this is that I don't do "casual" relationships which to me seem like a waste of time. So if I'm in a relationship with some woman, my intent is that she's either my wife or going to be my wife and it's going to stay that way forever.

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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/28/2009 4:58:04 PM

SteelofUtah

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Jeff,

Now that is an EXCELENT POINT. Speed is indeed relative when talking about a relationship.

That being said the problem it seems exists when two people with different notions of acceptable speed get involved.

I consider myself one who flies by the seat of my pants. I find that I don't really have a long list of things that I NEED to know, and in return I am an open book as long as they want to know something I am willing to share.

I think where I get the notion of time is that I often get the "We really don't know each other that well." and to that I always ask "What do you need to know?" and oddly they never know.

Speed may be relative but combining of two people can make a world of difference when one goes slow and the other fast.

Steel

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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/28/2009 6:44:19 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
I consider myself one who flies by the seat of my pants. I find that I don't really have a long list of things that I NEED to know, and in return I am an open book as long as they want to know something I am willing to share. I think where I get the notion of time is that I often get the "We really don't know each other that well." and to that I always ask "What do you need to know?" and oddly they never know.

Ahhhh, with that additional description, I identify totally with that. I don't see that so much as flying by the seat of my pants as just plain wanting to get on with things. Really, if I'm interested in some woman at all, then I'm interested which means I want to know about her which means I have a bajillion questions. I assume the same thing in reverse. I didn't even participate in coy little mating games when I was in high school much less now.

quote:

Speed may be relative but combining of two people can make a world of difference when one goes slow and the other fast.

Heh, and then we get to find out another area of compatibility... problem resolution strategies. I'm actually facing this right now in a sense. I am binding my life to another M/s couple and the dom in question is a careful and deliberate planner. I am more the crisis mode manager. He is quite a bit slower as a default than me. I'm certain that sometimes I must appear reckless to him. So now we either self-destruct and call the whole thing off or else learn to deal with the inevitable friction and, in return, gain a much wider sweep of potential tools in our tool belts.

In the end, I personally like diversity and the opportunities it opens up. But still, it's good to be aware that different people have different pacing (and in different areas). At least knowing the potholes helps to avoid them.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/28/2009 7:41:31 PM

DavanKael

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Having expressed reservations about the FFE, I must say that some of my most substantive relationships have happened rather quickly.

My ex- (Partner of 17 years) and I were glued together pretty immediately (As a note I foun from 11th grade just the other day written to me by my best friend about that very thing about 2 weeks after Ed and I started dating). Now, we didn't have sex for 7 months but I was a virgin and 15 (16 by the time we had sex).

The other most significant partner I have had, I met at about 18, we were friends for nearly a decade before it became non-platonic and I did not like him when I first met him. We sorta grew on each other across time.

Hmmmm, okay, so 2 relationships of significance since my ex- and I separated.

The first was kinda fast forward though certain things never came to fruition.

The second, while I'd met him across years a couple of times, from 1st date to sex, that was a record for both of usat just a little over a week (He and I are not the sort of people that generally jump right into the sack). I'd have given the dude a key to my house within a month of our relationship starting but I knew he would wig, so we went slower and ultimately that was still fast for him.

So, to your questions from one of my veering approaches (Sometimes it happens, Steel):

If you are NOT a fan of the Fast Forward Effect, I am not so curious as to why you aren’t but rather what keeps you taking things slow?
****I say I am not a fan of the FFE in some ways because something burning so brightly so quickly seems prone to snuffing out, however my own experience to that effect is rather mixed.

If you are into the Fast Forward Effect I guess I most want to know what you perceive as being the purpose? I see it as cutting out a whole lot of uneasiness and just moving to the stick-work frame of what you will eventually get to anyway. I like the idea that this allows me to give things a Trial By Fire, because if we can’t make it through the getting to know you phase how in the hell are we going to get through the really hard shit?
****In relationships, I try to go with what feels right mitigated by logic (Which, when given a back seat tends to get me into trouble).
I don't view it as a trial by fire ime. If it feels like that, imo, then something is wrong. If I really 'click' with a person, though, I want to know about them, to get inside their head, their heart, etc.

Davan

(Who invites NZ to laugh at her for contemplating FFE and that, upon reflection, she does do it sometimes when she was just saying she finds it worrisome, lol! Perhaps it's one of those terms like TPE that just kinda create a visceral reaction...hmmm.....)

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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/29/2009 10:24:27 AM

TurboJugend

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Thank you for explaining. At least you are "slow"with a reason if I understood.
I was thinkign about slow and fast...because an old friend of mine always fell in love afther a simple hello of a girl. And the next day he met her parents...always and ever.
He didn't even knew it was going fast.
So I wondered..do people realy now when it is going fast or slow. Or is it soemthing the outside let them know.

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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/30/2009 8:40:00 AM

Andalusite

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
The rule is that someone who is untrustworthy is untrustworthy. the exceptionis that someone who seems untrustworthy turns out to be. This is why people foucs on the Earning of trust, but I ask the honest question what can someone do what is a physical act they can do to earn your trust other than Not abuse it? If that is the case then I would ask how many days a person has to go without abusing your trust to be considered trustworthy and what happens if after that they abuse your trust what was the purpose in the practice of earning trust?

For me, trust isn't about a number of days, or about verbal questions he could answer. It's not that I'm testing him by setting up little pop quizzes, it's more "Does it scare me when he does x? If so, how does he respond, and do I tend to get more or less scared? Can he read my body language?" I've had some bad experiences in the past, and while I try to be open and not assume that the person will do something I can't handle, it takes a certain amount of *doing* stuff with him before I can trust him on a gut level, before he can do certain things without me getting tense and panicky. My Master was very careful and patient with me, while inspiring me to *want* to do more for him.

I tend to need a mixture of fast and slow, and the pace depends on a lot of factors. I knew some of my previous boyfriends for months or even years (as friends within the same social circle) before we got involved with each other, so the dating part was able to move pretty quickly. My Master and I played a bit on our first date, but dated for 2 months before we committed to each other. I tend to need to establish chemistry pretty quickly after they've expressed an interest.

As to the ATM thing, I've had friendly acquaintances who I'd only known fairly briefly trust me with their ATM card and PIN for a quick run to the grocery store when we were at an event before. In some relationships, it hasn't really come up, since they didn't need me to run any errands for them that involved it.

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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/30/2009 9:00:57 AM

SteelofUtah

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Okay I understand the desire to have confirmed trust, my issue is that it doesn't really exist. The Inner workings of the mind are truely an amazing thing, In fact one of the things I found most fasinating in Psycology was the nature of those who have been in a coupling for over 1year have an incredable ability to lie to their partner. While being observed they tend to give off 60% LESS deception Markers than they did talking to someone they had only met.

It would seem the longer you know someone the easier it is for them to decive you and lie to you. Now I am not talking about the slip up's and studdering I am refering to the nural facial responces and eye dialation that come from a known deception, apparently when you lie most people light up like a christmas tree when being observed by the right people.

My Point among the above is that Trust, when cut right down to it, is something you eventually give when you have convinced yourself it is valid. I see that as a reason not to fool myself and simply pay better attention to the actions of a person at all times. Trust for the sake of Trust because if you honestly want to know the person then you are going to get hurt when that trust is abused no matter how long you wait or how many hoops you expect them to jump through.

With the ATM I agree there are so few situations where that would be needed it makes little sense to bring it up. And if I truely NEEDED something and was unable to do it on my own then yes I would Trust a COMPLETE Stranger with my ATM Card and PIN..... what are my options otherwise? If something is so important I need it NOW and it cannot wait and I am unable to do it myself there must be something VERY WRONG. I would pick anyone who looked like they were genuinely concerned with my situation and ask them. If I got burned... well I get burned.... Again what are my other options?

Steel

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RE: The Fast Forward Effect. - 7/30/2009 5:52:34 PM

Andalusite

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Steel, so far, I've only had two bad breakups, and one of them, I'm at least on civil and polite terms. As best as I can tell, even after the fact, none of them lied to me. I'm still friendly with all of the others, except for one who I lost touch with. The trust issues I have aren't about deceit, they're more "do I get scared when he touches me this way, and if I do, what does he do about it, and how do I react to *that*?" I don't see how he could possibly lie about something that's completely non-verbal.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 7/30/2009 5:53:23 PM >

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