Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (Full Version)

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lovingpet -> Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 8:25:02 AM)

How would you want VERY bad news broken to you? I am not talking about things like trust breakers or everyday life chaos. I am talking about things that are going to go deep for everyone involved and may even be life altering...something that would be suffered through together. At least in my own submission, the last thing I ever want is to have to hurt my dominant partner. There comes certain times when life doesn't leave a choice. How would you want it done? How do you respond?

Thanks!

lovingpet



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 8:29:02 AM)

It depends what the news is.

I guess in all instances though never rushed, need to have time to talk, ask questions and process.



Sunnyfey -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 8:29:33 AM)

Tell me, just say it to me. Sit me down and say something like "I really need to tell you something, this is about our emotional safety as a couple". Other then warning me this is going to be bad (I'll need a smoke and Dr.pepper first..trust me)

Rip that shit off like a band-aid, spill all the problems out, just get it over with, then let me respond.

I dont know how I would respond, it depends on what it is honestly. I bet I wont be happy though and you might have to let me rant and rave and cry and scream or whatever, eventually I will calm down...cant say when though.



lovingpet -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 9:00:39 AM)

I am not thinking of situations where I've screwed up somehow or have to break it to my partner that he's done something to me. I really don't want to narrow this too much for many reasons, but suffice that no one's "to blame" and it's not relationshipy in nature. Think along the lines of major health change, now needing to care for an elderly parent, sterility or some such massive thing. Those were just examples. Please feel free to go well beyond them too.

lovingpet




frazzle -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 9:05:20 AM)

Tell it as it is. Dont try and pretty it up, doesnt help in the long run.

Allow time for who you're telling to process and react wether that takes 5 mins of 5 weeks.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 11:02:46 AM)

Not before a major meeting or something where my focus needed to be somewhere else, or as I am about to leave, perhaps Saturday morning when we have a chance to be together and talk.



lovingpet -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 11:16:04 AM)

I don't think I would drop something like this on someone when I knew they needed their head together for other things. I would definitely want to be there to comfort and be comforted for as long as it took.

lovingpet



CreativeDominant -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 12:14:18 PM)

I want tact and consideration for feelings used but I want it told to me at a time when we can discuss it even as I am processing it.  You have to be careful in putting something off for "the best time" though...because it can get too easy for that "best time" to never arrive.



LadyPact -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 1:22:50 PM)

Timing is never perfect for bad news, but if it's not something like a death in the family or on that level of importance, tell Me during a time that My head isn't rushed with other things.  Let Me settle My affairs of the day first.  Allow Me the opportunity to sit down with you (or without you if what you're about to tell Me is going to piss Me off) and process the information.

One thing you can't do with Me.  Don't tell Me that you have something that you want to talk about later.  If it was important enough to bring up and it's serious, I'll know.  Just ask MP.  He's learned this is a method that does not work and it's better to ask when I have some time free.  I'm much more receptive that way.



LaTigresse -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 2:19:06 PM)

I'm with LadyPact on this one.

And yes, never EVER tell me "we need to talk......later". I will keeeeeeel you!



CaringandReal -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 2:55:50 PM)

Also, don't try to drag it out, don't soften the news with a long preamble designed to make the person feel a little better about what is coming. It doesn't, it just makes them more anxious...or terrrifed. Sometimes what one imagines while someone is trying to find the words to tell you something important is much worse than the actual news. Spare them that.



kallisto -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 3:11:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I'm with LadyPact on this one.

And yes, never EVER tell me "we need to talk......later". I will keeeeeeel you!



Me too.   I will work myself up into a frenzy waiting until that "later". 



lovingpet -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 3:55:11 PM)

Thanks everyone for the input. It is a lot of common sense I kind of knew anyway. I've never been good at ripping someone's heart out. I hope I never actually need this advice.

lovingpet



rayne221 -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 5:09:33 PM)

i agree with everyone here... and i'm not a master... but i think human beings are very similar.
When it's really big news.. just say it. Keep the 'warnings' to a minimum. My father had a terrible habit of starting all disasterous news with "I have some extremely bad news ..." and then silence. In that silence my stomach would be in my throat..my heart would stop. I hated that feeling. I wanted to just scream at him and tell him... don't TELL me HOW bad...just tell me WHAT it is. Persoanlly .. for the receiver.. i would actually wish to diminish the anxiety. I might even say ... "can we talk for a bit... there is something i need to share with you," and not actually indicate good or bad. Usually a facial expression is enough to let your partner know anyway if it's not good news. 



whiteslavebitch -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/24/2009 6:01:46 PM)

I would just want it stated plainly and straightforwardly. Beating around the bush doesn't work for me very well.



antipode -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/25/2009 12:10:31 AM)

quote:

I don't think I would drop something like this on someone when I knew they needed their head together for other things


Ah. I was wondering why you asked. Rule # 1, for anyone, must at all times be: do not think for someone else. It is disrespectful, and counterproductive. Leave everybody in charge of their own head, do not assume you know what is "better" for another.



GreedyTop -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/25/2009 12:21:26 AM)

I'm of the 'rip the band-aid off' view.. followed by time to process....



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/25/2009 6:56:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

One thing you can't do with Me. Don't tell Me that you have something that you want to talk about later. If it was important enough to bring up and it's serious, I'll know. Just ask MP. He's learned this is a method that does not work and it's better to ask when I have some time free. I'm much more receptive that way.


Same here and I also agree with SunnyFey. I like my band-aids ripped off FAST. Get it over with, don't drag it out forever and a day or try to -hint- about what's going on. Just bloody =tell= me. I may not like it, and it may piss me off or tear me up, but the sooner you get it out, the faster I'll recover my equilibrium... and I -will- recover.

However, like LadyPact, do -not- hint around or tell me you want to talk 'later' or whatever, because that just serves to make me irritable and edgy going into the discussion, and the longer I have to wait, the more likely I'll be to be -out- of balance going into the discussion, increasing the chance of a volcanic response and increasing the duration of time between the bombshell and restored balance.

Dame Calla



lovingpet -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/25/2009 7:08:21 AM)

Direct and to the point. Got it. Do you usually know there's something up before it comes out? If so, are you accepting of delays in communicating what is going on? I would rather imagine, just as I do in every day life, that one look and I would likely know (provided we had been together for some time).

Okay, can't quite say what I am trying to say, so there ya go!

lovingpet



sirsholly -> RE: Deep Breath...This is Going to Hurt A LOT (7/25/2009 7:10:06 AM)

quote:

One thing you can't do with Me. Don't tell Me that you have something that you want to talk about later.
Totally agree. Do that to me and the stress will interfere with whatever is being said, causing me to over react. Not only that, it reallyreally pisses me waaaaay the hell off.

Also, make sure there are no time restraints on the discussion that will follow.

Lastly, i am not a child that needs news broken gently. Stop beating around the bush and TELL me!!



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