RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again...

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PsyVamp -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 6:58:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse As for the other side of the dynamic, I tend to just keep my mouth shut and not discuss my problems unless I need assistance. Generic Dude used to make me so damned angry, always giving away all that free "advice" then would get angry because I didn't tell him anything. I have learned the same thing; I don't discuss things unless I cannot come to a solution myself. Although, I might add here that it would be nice to have someone around that could fix the things that need fixing, instead of someone that would just blab on and on about how to do it without being able to himself. laughs

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 7:05:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsStarlett All you 'Mr.Fixits' can move closer to me. I'll let you fix everything. I've got a very long list. No, I've been shown The Light in this thread, Ms S. I know now what you'd really want. Should I be at your place and you start to talk of how messy your yard is, I'd immediately don my glasses and sensitive corduroy trousers, and begin to empathise on all four cylinders.

MsStarlett -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 7:27:03 AM)
Generally speaking, women are complicated. Sometimes we just want someone to commiserate with. We like support and that "I'm not alone in this boat" feeling. Sort of like when I was whining about West. I knew no one could really FIX that problem, I just wanted the support of the other ladies and to know I wasn't the first one to go through that situation and wanted to hear how others got through it. Discussing things is very therapeutic and sometimes does show the answer by looking at the problem from another angle. Now when it comes to gentle hints like "My car won't run. My grass needs mowing. The privet hedge is taking over the back yard. I wish I had suspension bars in the play room." Those are the "If you loved me you would fix that for me" hints. Men never seem to Get those. When you come to visit, I'm going to put you in a pair of tight cut off jeans, no shirt, and a pair of leg shackles and toss you out in the back yard with a pile of tools then sit back and enjoy the show.

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 7:37:28 AM)
Just checking - you're using the word 'toss' in the American sense rather than the British sense?

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 7:47:29 AM)
Seriously, I've been enlightened about a few things along the way, in past relationships. One of them was that if a partner can't fix a thing, she'll just leave it. She won't talk about it - she'll just not do anything about it. I have male friends who are the same. (God, one of my oldest friends has Asperger's Syndrome - he literally can't even change a lightbulb, despite a 'genius-level IQ.) Another one was that sometimes I'm required not even to talk - just hug. One of the biggest things of all, though, was that it's not hard to sympathise. It's just a switch of wavelength. And another big thing (though perhaps a subject for another thread) is that sometimes it's not right to sympathise too much. On certain occasions it's really not good for someone to 'echo' their feelings because that'll only help them descend further into a mire. That was something I learned from my brother, who's a paramedic.

MsStarlett -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 7:54:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer Just checking - you're using the word 'toss' in the American sense rather than the British sense? ROTFLMAO Yes. American version as in throw you out... not the British version. That comes later... If you do good job.

cloudboy -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 8:20:37 AM)
Off Mosquito repellant and use of steel belted tires. If those don't solve the problem, try a ball gag.

Arpig -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 9:35:51 AM)
Well I only read a few of the responses, but basically they were on the right track. It is in the nature of the male to fix things, period. That is why we are prone to grab a screwdriver when the toaster is burning the toast. It is something hard wired, when we listen to somebody telling us their problems, a part of our brain is trying to figure out how to fix the problem. To many men (I would hazzard that it is most) the idea of simply sympathyzing is foreign, thius is why men don't generally spend a lot of time discussing their problems. When one of my male friends tells me his problems, it is a pretty safe assumption they are looking for help finding a solution, not just a friendly ear. As to how you deal with it, simple recognise that it is part of what makes a male a male and accept it, either that or switch to dating women, because, speaking for myself, there is no way in hell I would be able to stop trying to solve problems...if you don't want it fixed then don't tell me about it.

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 10:01:20 AM)
As to how you deal with it, simple recognise that it is part of what makes a male a male and accept it, either that or switch to dating women, because, speaking for myself, there is no way in hell I would be able to stop trying to solve problems...if you don't want it fixed then don't tell me about it. Oh come on, Arpig! You have a kind and sensitive-looking face. It'd work wonders if you were to try! Another point is: what, ultimately, is one trying to 'fix'? You could say that the underlying problem isn't actually the broken computer, cupboard or motor - but the woman's unhappy mood. The best way to fix that just might be a dose of sympathy rather than what has merely been presented to you as a material, practical problem. (I've just realised that the aforementioned view might be seen as rather patronising to women. I do hope that it isn't seen this way and that, in fact, I've got away with it. )

Caissa -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/26/2009 11:47:34 AM)
A friend of mine once explained to me the male impulse to fix things, so far, it's always proven an accurate explanation. What he said was that, the same as I'll insist on feeding my friends and family when they visit, because it's my way of showing them that I care for them, a man will insist on offering solutions or fixing a problem I mention, because it's his way of showing that he cares for me and wants to make my life a bit easier. Since then, if I am about to mention a problem to someone I know will feel the need to fix it, I will preface it with, "I've already got this under control/fixed/handled, but earlier..." Also, in order to not confuse my friends, when I am actually getting ready to ask for advice and/or help, I'll also give a nice little lead-in clue, such as giving them a great big smile and saying something along the lines of "If it isn't my favorite pick-up truck owner! I just bought this beautiful old table, and it just won't fit in my car..." or "Hey, you know a lot about plumbing, right? I've been having this problem with my kitchen sink..." that way, they know from how I approach them about it which thing I'm wanting from them. Plus, sometimes, if it's not something I'm just that dead set on doing my own damned self, I'll just let them step in and fix it. People like to feel needed, and I've found that letting a guy that cares for me do something to help me, and then offering a beer in thanks, really does help to make him feel appreciated which is always a good thing in my book.

XYisInferior -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/27/2009 10:20:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici My problem is the "ride to the rescue" that men always seem to put forth--mention a flat tire and they have 72 suggestions, mention a bug bite and they have 43 suggestions--mention anything and they move into that know it all instructional mode--with out being asked--this is the most annoying thing for Me from male subs--they immediately move into that " you don't know anything, i--the man know way more"---so My issue is, how do you manage that behavior, if I want advice or suggestions, I will ask for it, yet I do want to be able to talk about some issue/challenge/problem, but because I do, does not mean I need a solution--but an outlet to talk. Yet there are times when I would like opinions... I don't see why you can't say exactly the above, Cat. Men appear as "know-it-all" types for a few reasons, I believe; it's a dash of garden variety male ego with a healthy serving of seeking approval by and being helpful to the Women they adore. The key culprit is innocent enough in most cases. It's the ego-driven chest puffing (usually in a competitive context) that is counter-productive and erosive. In a relationship of two, I've noticed some men posture much less. They sometimes get strange in triangles, squares, pentagons and so on. I think underscoring the "I would like opinions" is important; it puts the words shared in a contributive context, not one of inviting a lecture.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/27/2009 10:32:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy Off Mosquito repellant and use of steel belted tires. If those don't solve the problem, try a ball gag. I would say WD-40 and duct tape, but the idea is the same. sarcasm/ Cat, the issue is, that you are TALKING TO MEN. You have horses, right? /sarcasm

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/27/2009 10:52:09 AM)
FR, Not that I'm saying this of the OP or any other femdom here - but it's at least theoretically possible that a woman might have such a strong need to feel in control that she gets more annoyed than is warranted when given advice. There may not be any 'know-it-all' coming from the sub-male at all - it could just be irritation at feeling slightly 'unmasterful' projected by the woman onto him.

Arpig -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/27/2009 11:19:37 AM)
quote: Oh come on, Arpig! You have a kind and sensitive-looking face. It'd work wonders if you were to try! Another point is: what, ultimately, is one trying to 'fix'? You could say that the underlying problem isn't actually the broken computer, cupboard or motor - but the woman's unhappy mood. The best way to fix that just might be a dose of sympathy rather than what has merely been presented to you as a material, practical problem. Sorry, its just the way my brain functions, when anybody starts telling me their woes, part of my brain starts trying to come up with practical ways to resolve those woes. Its not something I can control.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/27/2009 12:38:59 PM)
~FR~ Truly, it is a Guy Thing. Which is why I only comment AFTER I have solved the issue, or if I want someone's input. Problem solving is a sign of caring, sort of.

PeonForHer -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/27/2009 1:16:44 PM)
Problem solving is a sign of caring, sort of. Very generous of you to say so, Lady Hib. However, I, like most men, I'm sure, only have the most malicious intentions when we try to solve women's problems for them.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/27/2009 3:35:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer Problem solving is a sign of caring, sort of. Very generous of you to say so, Lady Hib. However, I, like most men, I'm sure, only have the most malicious intentions when we try to solve women's problems for them. That's why I only ask men when I have to deal with bogs, large jars, and digging trenches![:D]

MsStarlett -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (7/27/2009 5:10:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Cat, the issue is, that you are TALKING TO MEN. You have horses, right? /sarcasm No, no, no dear. You have it wrong. Men are more like mules. Some times you need to firmly apply a 2X4 upside their heads to get their attention... THEN they will do as they are told.

DMFParadox -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (8/4/2009 1:38:01 AM)
There's a hierarchy of advice. Critically Useful but not general knowledge > Critically useful > Useful but not general knowledge > Useful > Figuring it out themselves via advice giving. The level at which they stop talking correlates to their applied social graces. Or the level to which they care about your opinion, which I imagine is what you find frustrating. I'm right there with you. I work with a bunch of electronics engineers, and they will jump on ANYTHING even if it's completely outside their expertise. Also, they expect you to be interested and knowledgeable in their own fields of expertise, when they're talking about something, and will volunteer to educate you whether you ask for it or not. It's taken some doing to establish boundaries; I don't know their job and they sure as HELL don't know mine. The problem is compounded by the fact that I'm genuinely fascinated by everything, so I send mixed signals sometimes. Of course, you could also look at it this way: If they don't give advice, for some men that means they don't give a crap about you and are perfectly willing to let you fall on your conceited ass. But then, everything in life goes both ways like that, so all you can do is keep swimming and hope the current flows your way.

DMFParadox -> RE: Don't advise Me... Well then again... (8/4/2009 1:42:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsStarlett quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Cat, the issue is, that you are TALKING TO MEN. You have horses, right? /sarcasm No, no, no dear. You have it wrong. Men are more like mules. Some times you need to firmly apply a 2X4 upside their heads to get their attention... THEN they will do as they are told. Um, no. Mulish men are like mules. Personally, I find women on the average to be idiots and to perform amazingly senseless acts of self-destruction. Then they complain about the nearest man available as if it were his fault. But it's all a matter of perspective, and there are some women out there whose advice I'd follow without question... just not very many of them.

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