What attracts also repels?

What attracts also repels? (Full Version)

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Prinsexx -> What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 7:42:55 AM)
I need to try to understand this from the dominant perspective. I'm a strong, creative, intelligent woman. I get a great deal of mail: some of the 'hiya wanna chat i wanna own you' type crap to the seriously considered. Sometimes the mail I get surprises me, Like for instance the Dom who wrote and said he had copies parts of my profile and my journal to send to a friend because he was impressed. 'Fans' also who read when I add to my journal. That's great and has the potential to change a grey day into a day of sunshine. BUT why is it that what so attracts others (not only to me but to women I suppose like me) also repels? OK to make it clearer: I run a house, I teach/lecture, I write and am in the process of setting up a publishing house. That seems to attract some very interesting dominants but then what is it in that which also repels them? Is it because a Dominant wants to bring me to my knees but to be able to do so they want to stop me being those things? That they feel I would have no time for the relationship or to serve them? This is not just peculiar to the lifestyle but has also happened to me during vanilla marriage when I was expected to exist within the paradox of being powerful yet also just the llittle woman at home. It just so happens that it is far more crystallised within the dynamic of M/s. So why is it that what attracts also repels? Would really appreciate understanding more about this.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 7:50:57 AM)
I completely know what you are talking about, so many times people have initially loved things about me and then cite the same things as reasons for the end of a relationship. There is another aspect actually that this reminds me of, people who build you up to knock you down, my ex went on about my level of self esteem, and did everything to raise it, then once I started feeling more positive he became more insecure and 'took me down a peg or too' it does make the mind boggles

ranja -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 8:07:51 AM)
Sorry am not a Dominant but... could the problem be a lack of humour...? My Husband just the other day was threatening me with His favourite flogger...He said: and there is no more Mr nice guy now...I am feeling really really mean.... and i burst out laughing... i laugh quite a lot... it is a release.... i laughed and hickuped and said: i am not being disrespectful... it is just an hysterical reaction because deep down i am really really scared... ... honestly... He just looked at me with a glint in His eye and started hitting me... i was still laughing and it hurt hit after hit.... i only stopped laughing when i got turned on instead. BDSM is a game... if it is played well it is fun for both players and both win... if it is played badly there might be one or more losers. There are some very powerful men who submit to Dominant women...they would not in a million years not go to their offices the next day because their Ma'am would not in a million years prevent them from doing their job Anybody's success should never be something that needs to be over-powered by anybody else in order to feel superior... that is beyond a game... that is not right!

Musicmystery -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 8:32:30 AM)
Seems to be simply the quality of people you're meeting. Such qualities as you describe would be positives to me, pursuits I'd expect a girl to continue and perform well. But when you're on an Internet site, you are casting your net across all segments of seekers, and naturally, just as an upper level professional job takes much longer to find than a job in the mail room, finding the man who both can and wishes to master you may well take quite some time. In the meantime, people are self-selecting themselves out as inappropriate. All is well. So continue to participate in the forms, continue to look in a variety of places, let people see who and what you are and what you are like, and let time do its thing. Good luck.

Missokyst -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 8:45:36 AM)
I can relate. My ex is attracted to my sexuality. He is also afraid of it. He likes that I run a group. He is also afraid of exposure. He likes that I do my job as well as he does his (I work for him). It also intimidates him. Phht. I can do without that.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 8:58:01 AM)
The thing is, many times we get involved in relationships or fall in love with a person because of some trait that fascinates or challenges us. After a time, like any new toy, that interesting characteristic is probably not going anywhere, but unless we've become attached to the entire person in the interim, we may come to notice that set of traits that first attracted us, like moths to the flame, is scorching our asses, and the only solution we can find is to put out the fire or move away from the fire, in our fear that it may consume us. Sometimes, too, the reason that someone attracts a dominant individual is because that particular dominant individual wants to -control- something as conceivably uncontrollable as what that particular yielding individual is. The dominant party who secretly questions hir capacity to hold authority may, interestingly, look to hold authority over individuals who have aspects of themselves that they've indicated that they will not yield, and the authority-holder, in such cases, will often measure hir 'success' by whether or not xhe could force this person to give up those things that were, already, off the list. If xhe succeeds, then regardless of the damage it has done, that authority-holder can see hirself as a 'success', and the 'failure' (sorrow, grief, loss, anger) will be on the other party. This is the situation when one hears such lines as "I know xhe doesn't see it, but I was only doing it for hir own good." On the other hand, if the person yielding authority is clear and firm about holding on to those things that xhe has held outside the sphere of authority, then the authority-holder who is insecure may rant about "topping from the bottom" or "being a poor s-type", again, shoving the problems of the relationship off on the other party, in order to make it -clear- (in part to hirself, though xhe doesn't, in many cases, believe hir own press) to all and sundry that -xhe- was a GOOD authority-figure and it isn't hir fault that this individual "couldn't see what was good for hir". Anyway, all of this may just be rationalization -- but it's what I've observed, so I thought I'd share. Dame Calla

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 8:58:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ranja Sorry am not a Dominant but... could the problem be a lack of humour...? It's strange isn't it that as yet no Doms have come forward to answer this? No no it's not a lack of humour... well maybe. But certainly not a lack of wit...

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:13:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW The thing is, many times we get involved in relationships or fall in love with a person because of some trait that fascinates or challenges us. After a time, like any new toy, that interesting characteristic is probably not going anywhere, but unless we've become attached to the entire person in the interim, we may come to notice that set of traits that first attracted us, like moths to the flame, is scorching our asses, and the only solution we can find is to put out the fire or move away from the fire, in our fear that it may consume us. I really appreciate the metaphor of fire. To continue it: these are the type of relationships that have left me feeling burned out. quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW Sometimes, too, the reason that someone attracts a dominant individual is because that particular dominant individual wants to -control- something as conceivably uncontrollable as what that particular yielding individual is. Surely there are aspects to everyone, traits within everyone, which are uncontrollable? It's not possible to own another individual heart, body, mind and soul? I've seen this written in sub missives' profiles though....but retained a sense of self and self-will. quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW The dominant party who secretly questions hir capacity to hold authority may, interestingly, look to hold authority over individuals who have aspects of themselves that they've indicated that they will not yield, and the authority-holder, in such cases, will often measure hir 'success' by whether or not xhe could force this person to give up those things that were, already, off the list. If xhe succeeds, then regardless of the damage it has done, that authority-holder can see hirself as a 'success', and the 'failure' (sorrow, grief, loss, anger) will be on the other party. I've experienced this. And the dominant 'co-opting' my success as their own quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW This is the situation when one hears such lines as "I know xhe doesn't see it, but I was only doing it for hir own good." 'You know you need this form of control...' quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW On the other hand, if the person yielding authority is clear and firm about holding on to those things that xhe has held outside the sphere of authority, then the authority-holder who is insecure may rant about "topping from the bottom" or "being a poor s-type", again, shoving the problems of the relationship off on the other party, in order to make it -clear- (in part to hirself, though xhe doesn't, in many cases, believe hir own press) to all and sundry that -xhe- was a GOOD authority-figure and it isn't hir fault that this individual "couldn't see what was good for hir". The assertive submissive...I wonder how Igot this far if I hadn't been assertive in the world anyway... quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW Anyway, all of this may just be rationalization -- but it's what I've observed, so I thought I'd share. Dame Calla Not a rationalisation at all. There is more than one dynamic usually. And certainly more of a complex dynamic than meets the eye in most cases. I thank you sincerely.

Arpig -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:21:30 AM)
quote: It's strange isn't it that as yet no Doms have come forward to answer this? I haven't answered simply because I cannot relate to your question. What attracts me and what repels me are different things. I am in no way feel threatened or even challenged by a partner's success (a little jealous at times, sure, but who isn't occaisionally jealous of others' success). If I am attracted to a woman, it is to all of what she is, her body, her mind, her personality, her career, her aspirations, her plans...all of her. I do not find it strange that more dominants have not replied, I think this is because what you are positing in your OP is something you see but that does not actually exist that often.

Musicmystery -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:23:49 AM)
quote: as yet no Doms have come forward to answer coughs

TurboJugend -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:28:15 AM)
I can only answer; different people, different tastes

NihilusZero -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:32:29 AM)
For so many people this brand of "strength" is just a 'self-fulfilling self-esteem boost cycle' mask worn outside to be socially and financially successful or attractive. Some may wear their masks incredibly well and some may even be honestly aware of how it's a mask and are okay with that (since it can still be an extension of self) but, as a Dom, when my girls come home, I want all masks off. I don't see/like the need/want to wear one in a place where you are ideally supposed to feel comfortable in your vulnerability (which is another brand of strength).

LillyoftheVally -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:36:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero For so many people this brand of "strength" is just a 'self-fulfilling self-esteem boost cycle' mask worn outside to be socially and financially successful or attractive. Some may wear their masks incredibly well and some may even be honestly aware of how it's a mask and are okay with that (since it can still be an extension of self) but, as a Dom, when my girls come home, I want all masks off. I don't see/like the need/want to wear one in a place where you are ideally supposed to feel comfortable in your vulnerability (which is another brand of strength). But then a problem would be assuming that for all it is a mask and not actually reality. Being competent and self assured in every day life doesn't have to be made up for financial gain and also does not mean inability to be a submissive. There is nothing wrong with vulnerability in the right context, we can all be vulnerable but I think for some encouraging it or extending it is not best for them. I like relationships that promote the positives and whatever that means, stripping off masks is great but thriving in insecurity is far from good for someone.

MAMBOdeBEAU -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:40:00 AM)
OP: As a DOMME who likes powerfully intelligent sub males and having talked to DOMS who love powerful sub females..our particular attraction is the MIND... To have such power of the mind submit means they have thought it out well..processed....it is part of them..inate and they seek fullfillment and know what they need...they are unashamed and grounded and powerful in their submission.. The submission of a powerful/intelligent slave/sub is a profound gift indeed..and we ride the energy of two powerfuls. and for our "sector" that does not repell MAMBO

NihilusZero -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:44:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally But then a problem would be assuming that for all it is a mask and not actually reality. Being competent and self assured in every day life doesn't have to be made up for financial gain and also does not mean inability to be a submissive. True. I guess I meant it in a more passive way. Not that it's some sort of intentional facade that's being thrown out for superficial gain, but moreso that it's just a part of each of us that gets poked at to grow at least somewhat because being able to function in society would require it of us. Also, I think I more had situations in my head where the individual can feel a certain divide because of societal impositions in that way. quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally There is nothing wrong with vulnerability in the right context, we can all be vulnerable but I think for some encouraging it or extending it is not best for them. I like relationships that promote the positives and whatever that means, stripping off masks is great but thriving in insecurity is far from good for someone. Surely. But we all struggle with insecurities. The main reason we keep ourselves from being stripped naked in front of another is because we, at that moment, run the risk of being denied in our most armor-less state, which is the core of insecurity.

ShoreBound149 -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:48:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx I'm a strong, creative, intelligent woman. Dominating the weak, dull and dumb ain't no fun. quote: I run a house, I teach/lecture, I write and am in the process of setting up a publishing house. That seems to attract some very interesting dominants but then what is it in that which also repels them? I believe they're repelled by their own insecurity.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 9:53:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero but moreso that it's just a part of each of us that gets poked at to grow at least somewhat because being able to function in society would require it of us. Also, I think I more had situations in my head where the individual can feel a certain divide because of societal impositions in that way. Oh I completely agree, I think society can place an awful lot of pressure on us to conform to a set of ideals that actually may not be ideal for us as individuals. I agree also that sometimes we do have to suck it up when interacting out in the world, which makes it hard to then drop when we are with people who may accept our flaws. Leading me on to. quote: Surely. But we all struggle with insecurities. The main reason we keep ourselves from being stripped naked in front of another is because we, at that moment, run the risk of being denied in our most armor-less state, which is the core of insecurity. The fact that we place so much stock in upholding societies norms leads to fear, if we admit to a deviation we are afraid the other will not understand, if this is the vulnerability you mean then yes I completely agree, being able to be yourself completely is a fantastic thing and something that I believe I try to do in all my relationships. However I also know that this has lead to the downfall of many of these relationships also a greater feeling of insecurity and self analysis when it does end. We strand to be hurt a million times more with the masks off. So I guess what I am saying is, I agree with you (how much easier would that have been) [:D]

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 11:41:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery Seems to be simply the quality of people you're meeting. Such qualities as you describe would be positives to me, pursuits I'd expect a girl to continue and perform well. Thank you for this. I expect, if a person calls themselves a Master, that they therefore are. And I also have a tendency, a strong tendency at that, to look inward, question what it is that I am doing and show a willingness to change as part of serving. I must admit this has, in the past, meant that I have given up what I do in order to do what my master wants of me (instead). Edited to add: I feel no such sense of divide within me, as suggested above, not yo I conform to 'success'.

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 11:44:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arpig . I do not find it strange that more dominants have not replied, I think this is because what you are positing in your OP is something you see but that does not actually exist that often. I would not ask this here if I had not experienced it. I think it's self-defensiveness perhaps as to why someone who has asked this of a submissive would not answer.

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/26/2009 11:47:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero For so many people this brand of "strength" is just a 'self-fulfilling self-esteem boost cycle' mask worn outside to be socially and financially successful or attractive. Some may wear their masks incredibly well and some may even be honestly aware of how it's a mask and are okay with that (since it can still be an extension of self) but, as a Dom, when my girls come home, I want all masks off. I don't see/like the need/want to wear one in a place where you are ideally supposed to feel comfortable in your vulnerability (which is another brand of strength). And if it is not a mask? And if I have had o be successful: to raise kids, bring money home, to bring income into a household, to hand iy over to a dominant who has required that of me? If it is not a mask? If I am both vulnerable and powerful ay the same time?

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