Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Another of "those" rants


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> Another of "those" rants Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 7:31:07 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		Today has not exactly started out well.  I have this sickening feeling in my gut that dad has suffered from yet another stroke, because the disorientation has taken a tremendous leap from bad to utterly abysmal.
 
I got woken up an hour ago (8am) by my current roommate (my buddy J who, in the past, frequently came over to sit with dad so I could run errands or get some time to myself)  Dad was up, walking in circles in his bedroom, his pants around his ankles - demanding to know where his car keys and cigarettes were so he could "go home and find (my) wife, after stopping at the store for some smokes cause obviously one of the nurses had stolen them."
 
He hasn't had a smoke in almost 2 months now.  He's lived in this house  - here in the family home that he was demanding to be taken to - for the past 35 years, with the exception of the 2 years he spent in a nursing home right after the original bad stroke.  And his wife has been Dead (and ashes) for the past 8 years.  He's known my roommate/buddy, J, for nearly 3 years, as J has been a frequent fixture while babysitting dad for me and/or doing various odd jobs around this place that needed done that I didn't have the expertese to do myself. He didn't know who J was this morning either.
 
All this was first thing this morning after one of those nights where he was up & down all night, thinking it was various other times of day.  At 1am, he was demanding breakfast - and of course telling me that it wasn't the middle of the night, I was lying to him again about that for some unknown reason.  I convinced him to take one of his anxiety pills and put him back to bed.  At 2am, he was up again, demanding his lunch - and again telling me that he was certain I was lying to him about what time of day it was.  I finally convinced him he was wrong and put him back to bed a Second time.  At 3am, I was just finally drifting back off to sleep when he starts pounding on my door to wake me up, demanding to know why I've slept "all day" and haven't given him breakfast Or Lunch by 3 in the Afternoon, as well as demanding that I come clean up the mess he's managed to make in his bedroom tipping over the trashcan because it was "in his way."  By then I was exhausted, I snapped at him and Ordered him back to bed and informed him that I wasn't getting back up until Morning.  So he headed back to his room, throwing a bit of a temper tantrum, and deliberately knocked a mop I had left there while cleaning during the day yesterday into his path - only to stand in the hallway yelling at J and I about how we had better come move it because he couldn't nor could he walk over or around it.  J woke up to That racket going on, came out of His room (which used to be my office, across the hallway from dad's room) - picked it up, snarled at dad to quit being a deliberate jerk, and went back to bed himself.
 
Despite respite - which frankly wasn't that Restful this time, due to various issues NOT concerning dad that were happening during that 5 day stretch (like breaking up with my s.o. because I found out he was cheating on me with various stripper whores from his job as a bouncer) - I honestly don't know how much longer I can cope with this.  He continues to get worse - but as yet (despite what the docs told me to expect) not "worse" to the point where his death seems anywhere Imminent.  The senile dementia is on the verge of driving Me cuckoo - which is a short drive at the best of times, to say the least.  Financially, there's no way I can Afford to put him back in a nursing home for more than a few days at a time - he simply doesn't have the funds left available to pay for it - and the various state/fed programs that are supposed to help with the cost of a nursing home refuse to do anything unless I'm willing to sign over all his pension & social security benefits to them first, leaving him rather literally without a dime to his name and as little more than a ward of the state.  (But a ward of the state where I'm still the one held legally responcible for decision making and everything like that.) 
 
At this point, there's simply not much for me to do about any of it, other than hang on, hold out for as long as I can, & continue to hope that the End will get here soon.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 7:33:51 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*hugs and love* Rhi.. I wish I could do something to help....

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 7:46:58 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Just when I was thinking the noise is too much here- that the school year needs to start ASAP. lol.

I am glad it isnt me.   Hugs

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 7:51:34 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Can you recruit a number of friends to baby-sit him when you are at your wit's end?

< Message edited by Rule -- 7/27/2009 8:18:17 AM >

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 8:04:47 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		knock it off Rule.

Peach- I DO know what you mean.  Before my Dad passed he was very ill.  One minute he was going to live- the next - no.  This went on for a while.
It was very draining.



(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 9:09:51 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		Actually, now that J is living here as a temporary roomie, he's been babysitting for me even more frequently than he had been.  For a while it was touch & go, cause J's only transportation to get over here was down - cracked head.  While I was on my respite, J's live-in gf decided out of the blue to kick him out, so when I got back from my respite the next day, I told him he could come stay here.  (Him getting kicked out & needing rescuing was part of the "not directly connected to dad stuff" going on during my recent respite period.  Twice a week since J moved into the spare room, he basically tells me "you need to go relax - go away and don't come back for the next X number of hours."  It's helped.  Significantly.
 
Unfortunately, in that same 2 week time frame since J moved into the spare room, dad has had 2 episodes of fallimg out of bed - the most recent one about 20 minutes ago.... his disorientation has gotten a lot worse, I've gone into his room 8 times to find that he's turned off his oxygen seperator unit completely, he has become  unwilling to even attempt to make it to the bathroom about half the time because (as he put it) why should he bother when I can simply be called to his room to clean it all up for him and it's too much hassle, I've caught him 4 times talking to dead relatives that aren't there whom he Swears are standing right next to me beside the bed, and he can't remember when he's eatten last even if he just finished eatting something 20 minutes before being asked.
 
The nurse isn't Normally scheduled to come by until tomorrow (Tuesday) but I've already called and talked to the Hospice company, so they're having one of the nurses come by in a couple of hours to check on him regardless of scheduling.  I'm basically waiting for her to finish with the patient who she was dealing with when I called the offices, and once she's done there she'll head over here.  There's no way of telling at this point - it could be another mini stroke, it could be simply oxygen deprivation from him having turned off his oxy unit sometime during the night, it could be oxy dep from his emphasymia being worse and continuing to block uptake rates, or it could be a combination of any or all of the 3 or possibly simply a harbinger that the end is nearer than it otherwise appears to be.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 9:15:29 AM   
Rainfire


Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline 		{{{HUGS}}}

It's hard, Rhi, I know... my dad isn't doing too good either but because I'm so far, it's like pulling teeth trying to get people to tell me the news. I wish I was close so I could help you but in the meantime, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. You're a wonderful lady for doing this, not many could.




_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 9:32:17 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach
dad has had 2 episodes of fallimg out of bed - the most recent one about 20 minutes ago
Can you put something soft to cushion a potential next fall next to his bed? A spare mattress, an old sleeping bag, some straw, or a number of empty cardboard boxes?

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 9:54:06 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

quote:

ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach
dad has had 2 episodes of fallimg out of bed - the most recent one about 20 minutes ago
Can you put something soft to cushion a potential next fall next to his bed? A spare mattress, an old sleeping bag, some straw, or a number of empty cardboard boxes?


LoL - I've considered that.  What I'm probably going to end up doing is accepting one of the railed Hospital type beds taht the hospice company has offered to aquire for dad.  Granted, hating those things was one of his early arguements for coming home (long before I  moved him back in here with me) - but at this point I'm thinking I can tolerate listening to him whine and bitch about that, which I have learned to simply tune out and not pay any attention to (a skill aquired over the course of 18 years raising spawn, mind you) a lot easier than I could cope with a broken bone from him rolling himself out of bed in his sleep repeatedly.  When he does this, it becomes a lil game of Catch 22.  He rather obviously doesn't want to stay on the floor - it's painful and uncomfortable and completely lacking in dignity.  He doesn't want help getting Off the floor - although he's completely incapable of getting himself up - but he doesn't want to put forth the effort required to help get Himself back on his feet or into bed - and wants to bitch that it's Painful to have me (or me & J earlier today, or me & Dez last time, or me & the hospice aide the time before that, or Dez & the hospice aide time before that, or J & the hospice aide the one before That) get into a position where I'm physically Capable of pulling him up off the floor and back into a standing position.  And once we get him standing up, he doesn't want help to Remain standing, but also isn't willing to carry his own weight.
 
This is simply one of those issues where I have to frequently put my foot down, issue orders for his own good, and then put up with him bitching that I'm treating him like a 3 year old who hasn't the wit or experience to do for themselves instead of the 64 year old adult that he IS.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 10:06:25 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Rhi..darlin.. it sounds to me like it's time to bite the bullet and put him back in a hospice, despite any objections.  I know it's a suck ass decision to make.. but it seems to be overwhelming you and YOUR life.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 10:13:49 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		She can still handle it. She just needs to occasionally have some time off and for someone else to baby-sit her dad.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 10:18:38 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

At this point, there's simply not much for me to do about any of it, other than hang on, hold out for as long as I can, & continue to hope that the End will get here soon.


Rhi...i have been in your shoes. I thought i could care for my dad by myself and take the anger, sleepless nights, worry, and putting my own life on hold.

He was a big man...300 pounds and needed a great deal of help to transfer from bed to wheelchair, etc. Whereas i am not a weakling, i was no match for him. He refused to understand this so i refused to put him in a nursing home. Then the inevitable happened and i once again could not hold him up. This time it was a bit different as he landed right on top of me and i could not get him off...i also could not breathe. How i wiggled free is a mystery, but that was it. Calls were made and his wonderful PCP had him admitted under a false diagnosis to speed up the process of a nursing home admission.

There comes a time when you must realize you did everything you could and you gave it everything you had.

I am in awe of the strength you have displayed and the selflessness you have shown. You have my total respect.


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 10:25:08 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

She can still handle it. She just needs to occasionally have some time off and for someone else to baby-sit her dad.
Rule...this may or may not be true and it is not up to any of us to say.

Personally, i could not handle the situation with my dad. Not just the physical aspects but the emotional stuff as well. I was his target (of course), i was the one responsible for he and his home as well as running a farm while i was miles away. He refused to live with me, refused to bend and refused to see what he was doing to me and that was really pissing me off!

If someone told me i could do it...just get a sitter for a bit of time off, i would tell them, as politely as possible (or not) that they need to be in my shoes.


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 10:55:52 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

She can still handle it. She just needs to occasionally have some time off and for someone else to baby-sit her dad.
Rule...this may or may not be true and it is not up to any of us to say.
(snip)If someone told me i could do it...just get a sitter for a bit of time off, i would tell them, as politely as possible (or not) that they need to be in my shoes.



For the moment, I can still mostly handle it.  It's gotten somewhat less of a pull-my-hair-out-&-bang-my-head-against-the-wall-twice-a-day situation that it had become.  With J currently living here - rather than driving 1 1/2 hours twice a week from another town in order to help me out - I'm not having to carry the whole load completely by myself like I had been pretty much doing since December when I moved dad home.
 
Fortunately as far as the Physical aspects of it go - dad currently weighs a whopping 103lbs, and that's Up from a low of 96 when I first moved him home.  He weighed 170 when he had the stroke 3 years ago.  While he's not heavy enough to make it difficult to lift him - he's just uncooperative/arguementative/ cantankerous enough to make it difficult on whoever happens to be handy to help him.  He deliberately and actively resists against those who are trying to help him - in order to make things more difficult & give himself an excuse to bitch at people.  He was the same way for the 2 years he was in a nursing home to begin with - actively resisting any help that the CNAs, Nurses, and Nursing Aides came to give him, regardless of whether it was one person or 5.  As I said, though - fortunately his small physical size makes it a lot easier to simply do what has to be done despite his resistance and complaints.
 
The nurse just left after checking on him.  A few bruises - a deep one on the wrist he landed on - but no broken bones, no signs of concussion.  She made the educated guesstimate that his problems today aren't from a mini stroke - they're more likely from oxy dep from him turning off his oxygen seperator during the middle of the night.  Even with the oxy back on for the past 4 hours, his uptake rate is low, and the reading from the bloodox monitor she put on him was only 91%.  That's ..... low enough to cause some problems.  And if it's that low Now - after he's been back on it for nearly 4 hours - it was probably down into the high 70s or low 80s when he first woke J up a few minutes prior to 8 this morning.
 
As for the whole "find a babysitter and handle it" thing - Bite Me, if you haven't been in this type of situation.  Babysitters can only do so much.  He throws temper tantrums every time I leave the house, even with a babysitter here.  (I left for less than an hour last night to run a couple of errands - he pitched a kicking screaming hissy fit damn near the whole time I was gone.)  There's damned few people in this world with the stamina to put up with getting cussed and screamed at every time they happen to see him, because OMG - I'm leaving him here with them, rather than waiting on him hand and foot myself - at least not the stamina to put up with it for more than a few times before they say "No More."  I've been fortunate that J has stuck it out as long as he has, but he's my best friend and has stuck by me through both good and bad times - just like I've stuck by him through some pretty rough waters in His life.  Having even ONE friend like him - that you can count on no matter what, no matter when, who will go to the ends of the earth and back for you regardless of circumstances or whether you're right or wrong - is probably the biggest blessing from fate that anyone can ever be given. (Which reminds me - I think I'm gonna toss him the car keys in a lil while and tell him to get the duck outta fodge for a few hours to go to a movie or something.) 

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 10:57:05 AM   
purepleasure


Posts: 6941
Joined: 4/9/2004
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Sometimes it's really hard to do what is best for the people you love the most.  Rhi, I admire you for the love, patience and nurturing you've given your father while he has been in your care.  If you think it's time for him to move to a place where there are more support staff than what you can provide for his needs, then it is time. 

{hugs}

_____________________________

Patience, grasshopper.

Your stupidity does not impress me.

blame it on your hormones!!! - beerbug aka ydd

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 11:10:49 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach
As for the whole "find a babysitter and handle it" thing - Bite Me, if you haven't been in this type of situation.  Babysitters can only do so much.  He throws temper tantrums every time I leave the house, even with a babysitter here.  (I left for less than an hour last night to run a couple of errands - he pitched a kicking screaming hissy fit damn near the whole time I was gone.)
That is tough. My late father had a stroke that wiped out two thirds of his brain. I chickened out. At some time he developed an obsessive compulsion to continually in a loud voice call the names of mom and my siblings, for years on end, horrible to listen to. We all chickened out, except for my mother and my sister, until after about four years my mom was near death herself from the stress he caused her. He was forcibly taken to a hospice and died there within two months.
 
This taught me a lot. I am firmly against sending people to a hospice, unless absolutely necessary.
 
I hugely respect my mom and sister for what they did and put up with. I think that you are doing the right thing.

< Message edited by Rule -- 7/27/2009 11:11:36 AM >

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 11:13:44 AM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		hang in there! its hard no one knows how hard but you. take care of yourself and know that your loved.

_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 12:22:26 PM   
calamitysandra


Posts: 1682
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline 		Not much I could add that has not already been said, maybe stress again that you need to be honest with yourself, and when the point comes at which it gets to much, wish you the strength to do what needs to be done to protect you both.

You have my utmost respect.

_____________________________

"Whenever people are laughing, they are generally not killing one another"
Alan Alda


(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 12:27:30 PM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		Rhi,
You are to be commended...take care of yourself, make sure you get occasional "me" time. You can't do much for him, if you're a mess. *hugs*

_____________________________

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Another of "those" rants - 7/27/2009 12:38:08 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

quote:

ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach
As for the whole "find a babysitter and handle it" thing - Bite Me, if you haven't been in this type of situation.  Babysitters can only do so much.  He throws temper tantrums every time I leave the house, even with a babysitter here.  (I left for less than an hour last night to run a couple of errands - he pitched a kicking screaming hissy fit damn near the whole time I was gone.)
That is tough. My late father had a stroke that wiped out two thirds of his brain. I chickened out. At some time he developed an obsessive compulsion to continually in a loud voice call the names of mom and my siblings, for years on end, horrible to listen to. We all chickened out, except for my mother and my sister, until after about four years my mom was near death herself from the stress he caused her. He was forcibly taken to a hospice and died there within two months.
 
This taught me a lot. I am firmly against sending people to a hospice, unless absolutely necessary.
 
I hugely respect my mom and sister for what they did and put up with. I think that you are doing the right thing.
Rule...please...you are projecting your own guilt onto Rhi.

You did not "chicken out". You recognized your limitations and acted accordingly.

You state the stress nearly killed your mom, yet you are suggesting Rhi do the same thing? Please...give me a break!!!!!


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> Another of "those" rants Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094