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is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 8:18:19 AM

serisa

Posts: 219
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline

Hello everyone

My Dom/boyfriend seems to have this pull/push thing going on with the way he acts towards me. I am trying to understand why he does it?, is it some sort control game?. What usually happens is he does something big to upset me. I am upset and tell hm how i feel. I get no feedback but he is especially nice to me until i 'forgive' him. Then as soon as i 'forgive' him he seems to look for something to have a go at me about or does something else to upset me, but never before i 'forgive' him. I been with him for over three years now and it has been going on for so long i feel sure he does it on purpose. i have even asked him, but nothing changes.

Does anyone understand this at all and is there any effective way i could try to respectfully turn it around and stop it happening. i feel its a very destructive and vicious circle.

Thank you

Post #: 1

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 9:00:42 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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Some people enjoy manipulating others and will do that to satisfy some emotional need that they have. Others are 'drama magnets' and enjoy having drama for drama's sake- if there is none around they usually manufacture some. I have a close family member that does both those things and from what I've observed from dealing with her and commiserating with others that have the same dynamic - it doesn't ever change. The person doing it needs it for some reason and generally has always done it, will continue to do it till they die.

This seems to be difficult for you, it may be that after 3 years your bf isn't going to change. He doesn't seem to be able to talk about it even when requested to do so by you, so it may be something you'll either have to accept as part of him and therefore part of the relationship or you may have to consider leaving this relationship for something that is a better match for you.

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 2

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 9:55:47 AM

Padriag

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Joined: 3/30/2005
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Its called passive-aggressive behavior. Its unhealthy. The one sure way to stop it is to go find somebody else. What you choose to do about it is up to you. I would suggest you confront him about this and see how he reacts. I'd also suggest you stop being so forgiving (which btw, if he's constantly seeking your forgiveness, that really puts you more in the dominant role and him submissive). If he won't change, then you need to decide what you are going to do about that... and your choices come down to either leaning to live with it, or leaving. Again, what you decide is up to you.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 3

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 9:59:27 AM

IrishMist

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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Have to pretty much agree with everythign Padriag said here. Either accept the behavior or walk away...the behavior itself is very unhealthy.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 4

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 10:48:57 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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You can also stop allowing him to upset you in the first place. Remove his power.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 5

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 11:10:27 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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When you are upset you tell him how you feel... but you get no feedback...
did you ask for reasons? or do you expect him to give you reasons because you are upset?
Some men only repond to very precise questions and only if the questions are asked in a very non threathening way... certainly not when you are demanding an answer or just expecting some explanation... Can you talk about this cycle without you being upset at him?

He might like to see you upset... it is a power to be able to wind somebody up... it is a good feeling to comfort the other eventhough the distress is caused by the person who does the comforting... can you cry for him in a game? can you beg for things from him sincerely but still only as a game? without any need for him to upset you for real first?

Can you agree to something he can have a go about?

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 6

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 1:41:07 PM

GeekFreak

Posts: 102
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline

I'm in agreement with the general messages being sent by most.

All you can do is: Kindly let him know how this behavior makes you feel (seems you have), then if he changes great. If n ot, you can presumeably continue to remind him of your feelings until you're pretty certain it's not helping at all. If you get to that point, you either learn to accept it, or find someone else.

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 7

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 3:15:46 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Walk away..sorry, it's the only solution.

Either walk away from his push/pulls with you leaving him powerless or walk away from the relationship knowing you can't change others but only yourself.

(in reply to GeekFreak)

Post #: 8

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 6:58:15 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

Don't walk run, until he want to get help and addresses this nothing is going to change.

Mike

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 9:07:56 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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Yup, I'm going along with Padriag's answer also.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 10

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/27/2009 11:49:52 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Joining the chorus singing the praises of Padriag's answer.
I will also add that I know some folks who have this sort of drama in their relationship; constant push and pull. They've been together oh, over 18 years and they're in their middle/latter 30's. It's not changed across that time and though they claim to hate it and that the drama doesn't 'do it' for them as it once did, they still do it. Same sh!t, different year.
Davan

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-Me

Waiting is

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(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 11

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/28/2009 4:26:22 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Then as soon as i 'forgive' him he seems to look for something to have a go at me about or does something else to upset me, but never before i 'forgive' him. I been with him for over three years now and it has been going on for so long i feel sure he does it on purpose. i have even asked him, but nothing changes.

Nothing to do with D/s or BDSM. It is a personality trait. Get him in counseling or take a walk. People don't change unless they are motivated in themselves, won't happen because of anything you do or say.

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 12

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/29/2009 9:00:32 AM

maia09

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/10/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: serisa

Hello everyone

My Dom/boyfriend seems to have this pull/push thing going on with the way he acts towards me. I am trying to understand why he does it?, is it some sort control game?. What usually happens is he does something big to upset me. I am upset and tell hm how i feel. I get no feedback but he is especially nice to me until i 'forgive' him. Then as soon as i 'forgive' him he seems to look for something to have a go at me about or does something else to upset me, but never before i 'forgive' him. I been with him for over three years now and it has been going on for so long i feel sure he does it on purpose. i have even asked him, but nothing changes.

Does anyone understand this at all and is there any effective way i could try to respectfully turn it around and stop it happening. i feel its a very destructive and vicious circle.

Thank you

my philosophy is ANY relationship whether vanilla, D/s, M/s T/b, whatever, works when BOTH or ALL parties feel a sense of fulfillment and joy a good percent of the time. When there is more frustration, anguish, confusion etc. than there is happiness then i say it's not working. You can't stop or turn around something you're not doing. All you can do is accept it or not. If you like the path you're on, keep on it. If not, try another path. But don't expect the path to change. Too often i get the impression that many think submissive means attempting to change ourselves to fit what makes us miserable. That's not what it's about at all. At least not for me.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.

"I will always be the virgin-prositute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman." - Anais Nin

Owned by Chairman

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 13

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/29/2009 9:50:30 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

Its called passive-aggressive behavior. Its unhealthy. The one sure way to stop it is to go find somebody else. What you choose to do about it is up to you. I would suggest you confront him about this and see how he reacts. I'd also suggest you stop being so forgiving (which btw, if he's constantly seeking your forgiveness, that really puts you more in the dominant role and him submissive). If he won't change, then you need to decide what you are going to do about that... and your choices come down to either leaning to live with it, or leaving. Again, what you decide is up to you.

I couldn't have said it any better.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Padriag)

Post #: 14

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/30/2009 9:31:15 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Find an adult next time.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 15

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/30/2009 5:41:36 PM

wineDineNtieMe

Posts: 52
Joined: 7/9/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: serisa

i feel its a very destructive and vicious circle.

You are right

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When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive.
-Goo Goo Dolls, Iris

(in reply to serisa)

Post #: 16

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/30/2009 6:40:04 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~
He is engaging in very passive-agressive behavior. He needs to get counselling and, IMO, by continuing to take part in his behavior you are enabling it. So you need to ask yourself, do you want to continue on with a passive-agressive person or not?

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to wineDineNtieMe)

Post #: 17

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/31/2009 3:33:16 AM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

BULLSHIT on the pop-psychology "passive-aggressive" diagnosis... that stems from someone who is trying to retaliate, but can't do so directly, so they do it indirectly. That's different from the OPs situation.

This is little more than the male equivalent of being a "Brat" that's often seen in the Daddy/little girl dynamic. This is merely the Mommy/little boy equivalent.

As with any child who acts out, ignore them and they'll eventually learn they WON'T get the attention they're seeking.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 18

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/31/2009 11:24:32 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

Of course. She can ignore her Dominant and he will stop it eventually and hopefully grow up, or else it will end the relationship. Of course, does she really want to stay in a relationship with a brat anyway? He's the Dominant,she can't very well spank his ass. If it were me, I think I'd consider possibly moving on, but it's not.....and only she can really make the final decision, regardless of what any of us say.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to MasterSlaveLA)

Post #: 19

RE: is this a control thing? - 7/31/2009 12:08:21 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

Some clarity might be in order... the OP stated, "...he does something big to upset me."

Some examples of what "he does" that are so "big" would be helpful to know.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 20

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