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What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:01:51 AM

olena

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I read this all the time on boards like this and pretty much everywhere that temper is frowned upon like it is evil to have this human emotion outlet.

I understand when discussing people who live these things by playing with friends and strangers in local communities that one would be weary of a person who shows his temper often. But I do not understand this unrealistic negativity toward a person with a temper in a healthy and long term relationship. I also understand one in a long term relationship should not play with a temper in full bloom.

I hear words about controlling ones temper but a temper is a human emotions coming out of them and we as humans do not control the intensity of how we feel that we can pretend to throw away the emotions we find less cool. Temper is a venting mechanism of a human being to get rid of a lot of negative junk so one can feel better. I think it is a very good and healthy thing for a person to be able to vent this when they are feeling it as opposed to bottling it up or “controlling” it. To me the latter things are how bad things like hurting another person or pathetic passive aggressive behavior when one chooses to pretend they can control their temper. Because when we bottle up negative emotion it is not controlling it but making the venting of it in some way actually dangerous.

Dangerous and bad people may hurt people when they are mad but is not because of their temper but because they are bad and dangerous people.

Temper lies in the same area as passion within us. I want a man with passion and emotions and I do not want a robot. I am fine if this man comes with a temper. I am emotional and I have a temper and I am glad I do. Being in love and devoted to another is one of the things we crave about. This is so we can be ourselves and not worry about how our other judges us because they accept us for who we are. It is about letting them vent away if they are upset about something not worrying or caring about the tone because we know who they really are or sometimes it is about using that emotion and passion rising from it to have a really nice time in bed.

Post #: 1

RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:07:00 AM

marie2

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At times, anger is a normal (and I think) positive human emotion because it tells us when something is wrong or unfair, and it can prompt us to do something positive about it. But losing control of one's temper isn't something I'd want to be around, and I definitely wouldn't want to be in the hands of someone who cannot control themselves.

(in reply to olena)

Post #: 2

RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:08:03 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: olena

I read this all the time on boards like this and pretty much everywhere that temper is frowned upon like it is evil to have this human emotion outlet.

I understand when discussing people who live these things by playing with friends and strangers in local communities that one would be weary of a person who shows his temper often. But I do not understand this unrealistic negativity toward a person with a temper in a healthy and long term relationship. I also understand one in a long term relationship should not play with a temper in full bloom.

I hear words about controlling ones temper but a temper is a human emotions coming out of them and we as humans do not control the intensity of how we feel that we can pretend to throw away the emotions we find less cool. Temper is a venting mechanism of a human being to get rid of a lot of negative junk so one can feel better. I think it is a very good and healthy thing for a person to be able to vent this when they are feeling it as opposed to bottling it up or “controlling” it. To me the latter things are how bad things like hurting another person or pathetic passive aggressive behavior when one chooses to pretend they can control their temper. Because when we bottle up negative emotion it is not controlling it but making the venting of it in some way actually dangerous.

olena,

So what happens when your temper and his flare at each other?

CP
Dangerous and bad people may hurt people when they are mad but is not because of their temper but because they are bad and dangerous people.

Temper lies in the same area as passion within us. I want a man with passion and emotions and I do not want a robot. I am fine if this man comes with a temper. I am emotional and I have a temper and I am glad I do. Being in love and devoted to another is one of the things we crave about. This is so we can be ourselves and not worry about how our other judges us because they accept us for who we are. It is about letting them vent away if they are upset about something not worrying or caring about the tone because we know who they really are or sometimes it is about using that emotion and passion rising from it to have a really nice time in bed.

quote:

I read this all the time on boards like this and pretty much everywhere that temper is frowned upon like it is evil to have this human emotion outlet.

I understand when discussing people who live these things by playing with friends and strangers in local communities that one would be weary of a person who shows his temper often. But I do not understand this unrealistic negativity toward a person with a temper in a healthy and long term relationship. I also understand one in a long term relationship should not play with a temper in full bloom.

I hear words about controlling ones temper but a temper is a human emotions coming out of them and we as humans do not control the intensity of how we feel that we can pretend to throw away the emotions we find less cool. Temper is a venting mechanism of a human being to get rid of a lot of negative junk so one can feel better. I think it is a very good and healthy thing for a person to be able to vent this when they are feeling it as opposed to bottling it up or “controlling” it. To me the latter things are how bad things like hurting another person or pathetic passive aggressive behavior when one chooses to pretend they can control their temper. Because when we bottle up negative emotion it is not controlling it but making the venting of it in some way actually dangerous.

Dangerous and bad people may hurt people when they are mad but is not because of their temper but because they are bad and dangerous people.

Temper lies in the same area as passion within us. I want a man with passion and emotions and I do not want a robot. I am fine if this man comes with a temper. I am emotional and I have a temper and I am glad I do. Being in love and devoted to another is one of the things we crave about. This is so we can be ourselves and not worry about how our other judges us because they accept us for who we are. It is about letting them vent away if they are upset about something not worrying or caring about the tone because we know who they really are or sometimes it is about using that emotion and passion rising from it to have a really nice time in bed.

Profile

(in reply to olena)

Post #: 3

RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:13:20 AM

IronBear

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Nothing wrong with having a temper provided it is kept leashed and turned loose at what you consider the appropriate time. I get pissed off often enough, and aye I do have a temper, a good Scots/Irish. Norse temper. It gets unleashed at inanimate objects when I drop a forge hammer on my toe or someone upsets me and I turn my temper loose on either a pell with a broad sword or my punching pole. In other occasions I divert my temper to spur me on to some things better or in productive/positive areas. Temper does not always equate with anger though.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:15:40 AM

MusicalBoredom

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The dictionary lists several meanings for "temper" ranging from a state of mind to "outbursts of anger." I have opinions on things like temper and expression of feelings that work for me and I look for in others. Temper is often what comes out of feeling some emotion.

I think the emotions felt when I'm talking about my temper are anger or fear. These are human feelings and should be expressed and not "bottled up" or ignored. There are many healthy ways to deal with anger and fear that don't require me to subject someone else to what some call "venting." If I'm angry with someone then I should be able to communicate what it is that I'm angry about without trying to punish the other person or make them my emotional punching bag. I don't think I have to right to be pissed off and call someone else a bunch of names or make them feel bad in some way then justify it as letting of steam or venting. I have been in relationships with people that do that and I don't tend to stay around them for long. I can take a run, work out in the gym, hit a punching bag, write my thoughts or whatever it takes to calm down. I can then tell someone else what I am okay with and what I'm not. Maybe I need to ask them for something or maybe I need clarification on something. I don't have to yell and scream and call them names.

To me that is the difference between "temper" and "anger."

(in reply to olena)

Post #: 5

RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:15:42 AM

RCdc

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Temper and Passion are hot.

the.dark.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:17:01 AM

LILPrincessIzzy

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Joined: 6/30/2009
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In my eyes it is how the temper is shown. If it is explosive it could be very dangerous for him to be a dom, you could do something that may upset him and have him take it out on you during a session . and in the heat of his anger he may not hear you use the safe word.

If it is controlled well then I don't see it as a problem untill it hit the uncontrollably stage then that is when both no matter who need to walk away till things calm down and you can sit and talk. In the long run it is all how you control it is what makes it a pro or a con.

(in reply to olena)

Post #: 7

RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:31:01 AM

Apocalypso

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Nothing. It's just that we, as a society, have an attitude that "bad" emotions are less valid than "good" ones.and need to be repressed. It's like any force. It can be used in a positive way or a negative way. And letting any emotion dominante you at the expense of another isn't a good idea. (Not just the 'bad' emotions either. Think of the kind of person who seems incapable of taking anything seriously).

I don't see someone who never loses their temper as being a positive thing. I suspect they're either going to blow up at some point or they're emotionally damaged. And I don't believe that somebody who cannot hate will ever understand love.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:42:38 AM

olena

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Joined: 12/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Temper and Passion are hot.

the.dark.

Thank you for all the responses.

Lilprncesslilly- To me a temper that explodes is a person who thought they needed to control their temper and human emotions will always win out. My point being and some others wrote using your temper to vent in a safe way.

Musicalboredom- I do not think anyone wants to be on the direct end of someone’s temper because that they are not the direct reason. But I for one personally think it is perfectly fine to vent directly at someone close to us. It is direct communication and the quickest way to move on and get centered again. If a loved one is angry at me I want them to feel free enough to deal with me directly if it helps them and I can vent as well or wait for them to calm down and have the sane conversation. Love means not judging them in the moment and accepting their frailties.

DarcyandtheDark- Quoted yours because that can sum up a lot of what I was writing. Many times a temper going off is a precursor to some of the best sex that I have had.

< Message edited by olena -- 7/29/2009 10:44:56 AM >

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 10:45:59 AM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso

Nothing. It's just that we, as a society, have an attitude that "bad" emotions are less valid than "good" ones.

Yup, I see see it something like this, we give way too much stock to the so called bad emotions, one that instantly springs to mind is jealousy, we have all felt it at one time or another but it is just an emotion we are allowed to feel it and it doesn't make us bad people, the thing that is important is how we handle the emotions.

With temper we will all fly into a rage at one time or another, its about how often it happens and how we deal with it. For example if someone has a violent temper and takes it out on me that is not cool if they have a violent temper and punch a pillow good for them, but then it splits again, if they have a violent temper every day yeah again totally uncool but once in a while yeah that is human.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 11:27:08 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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I have a temper. I'm Sicilian and Irish, and I have no shame in saying that, given the right circumstances, you can really get me on a tear. I control it where it makes sense to do so, and let it out where it might do some good. Sometimes, I rant just because I'm annoyed. Nothing is bad about temper, per se. I think people on boards like this and in the BDSM community just want to make sure everyone understands that they're not "abusive"... and so people play down their natural expression of emotions... for folks who -don't- choose to do that, these individuals who naturally display a feisty temper are considered "dangerous" and people say they have "poor self-control".

Dame Calla

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 11:28:31 AM

Caissa

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I'm all for a person being able to come to me if I make them angry.

However, if they do, then they better have enough of a handle on their anger to be able to deal with me in a way that isn't going to be hurtful. And no, I am not only referring to physically here. There is a world of difference between "I'm angry with you because you did this...' and "you're a worthless bitch, you did this....I swear there isn't anything about you I can stand!" Yes, they're probably just venting their anger...but if it's a loved one, then the sentiment behind the second statement is extremely damaging. I love them, their opinion of me means a great deal, and to hear them say I'm worthless and pathetic would be devastating.

For the record, I have had that happen to me, and it took me years to stop hearing his voice in the back of my mind telling me that there was nothing likable about me. It wasn't because he was a bad person that he said it, it was because he was ANGRY at me, lost his temper, and was lashing out. In fact, months later, when I echoed his statement about me, he was absolutely horrified to realize how it had affected me. Admittedly, that comment was one of many made in the heat of anger, none of which he truly meant. That's the thing about letting someone rant and rail at you in that way. Yes, love means accepting their frailties, but it also makes you vulnerable to the hurtful things said. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather learn not to let things get me that riled, or to go kick a punching bag for a while, than to hurt a loved one like that, then expect them to just accept it as one of my frailties. Having my say right NOW is just not worth it, because the things you say in anger can't be unsaid.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 11:33:04 AM

MusicalBoredom

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I agree with everything that has been said. I think nobody believes that being abusive is a good thing. I think we all have expressed anger in a number of ways. I think all of us want to have open and honest dialog with those around us. I think passionate discussion is a good thing.

(in reply to olena)

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 11:41:29 AM

lovingpet

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I have no problem with someone having an emotional temperature. I would prefer it run hot rather than cold, as a matter of fact. I love that a person can feel and even express a full and vivid range of emotions. What I don't like is a person that does not know when to do so, who or what the appropriate target is, and how to express them safely and productively. To me, a temper implies anger not being handled properly, not that anger occurs frequently or that it is expressed.

lovingpet

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 11:51:48 AM

leadership527

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~ FAST REPLY ~
I guess I'm going to go down the line of pragmatics here. Look, I don't honestly care how angry someone gets, how frequently it happens, or how much warning is given before the "blow". What I do care about, however, is results. If someone's internal emotional processing is helping them get through the world, then wonderful. If it is not, then it's a problem. Carol has quite the "temper" in that she can "blow" out of the blue. But that happens only very rarely and I find it easy to take in stride. If it were a once a week thing, we wouldn't be married.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 12:11:45 PM

IronBear

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I find people who are passionate about things or just have a passionate nature, also have the swings between high and low, love and hate, and often combine a temper with their passion. Can be a good thing but it can also lead to a tempestuous time too rather like riding the storm at times. One of my ex wives, used to comment that I am unable to do things "normally" but rather do things with the "Grand Passion". Works for me .... I find also that a fight (not too nasty) with a lover more often than not has ended up in a passionately wild sexual rough house and the most glorious sex possible.. Excellent for special occasions. After all the best thing about having a lover's quarrel is the making up.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 1:26:56 PM

stella41b

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For me the only negative thing about a temper is when you destroy something needlessly - whether it be an inanimate object or a relationship.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 1:40:06 PM

Sunnyfey

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Nothing wrong with a temper (lol I have one..trust me).

As long as your are not physically or emotionally abusing a during a temper flair up, then your fine.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 1:52:43 PM

DesFIP

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Let's say his punishment for stepping out of bounds was face slapping. If carefully done, no harm will be done. But when in a temper, he won't be cool enough to judge that he's hitting harder than usual. So instead of getting your attention, he breaks your jaw or your eye socket. Highly delicate bones that simply cannot tolerate being hit hard.

Is it because he's a bad or dangerous person who wanted to blind you? No.

Is it because he's human and simply can't judge himself when highly angry? Yes.

And that in its simplest is why you don't play when angry, because you can do undue damage.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/29/2009 2:04:01 PM

kdsub

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Temper is a sign of weakness... the inability to control oneself or those around you. What ever you can do when angry you can do better when in control of your emotions.

I am often weak sad but so.

Butch

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