Can a sub still be a leader?

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Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 3:48:57 PM

TheQuizmeister

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/29/2009
Status: offline

Sorry about the lack of an introduction, but I'm more interested in the discussion than myself.

So heres the short end of it. Was having a discussion with someone who knows that I am submissive. I have experienced the BDSM lifestyle (didn't end well, but that's another post) and enjoy it, but am currently not actively engaged in it. I know what I enjoy and I also know I don't enjoy being the dominant half of a party.

Party 2, lets call her spidy has it in her head to question whether I am actually submissive or a switch.

Her newest basis for this idea is activities elsewhere in my life. The activity brought up in the current discussion is one of a leadership role in an online computer game. I often adopt a 'telling people when we are going to engage X enemy, making sure everyone is ready with the proper supplies, and letting people know when something is going wrong' position. To put it shortly, the leader of a twenty five person group.

Now heres is the question(s) I want to bring up and get your opinions on:

Is a submissive still a submissive if they are willing to engage in a leadership role outside of a BDSM relationship? Or rather does being willing to engage in a leadership role mean that the person is dominant?

Does a submissive have to be a submissive in all aspects of life to be considered a 'pure' submissive? Same question but with a 'lifestyle' submissive.

And on the discussion of another debate: Is it necessarily wrong for a submissive to question and deny a dominants position if they believe said dominant does not have the resources (time and effort) to put into the relationship or should the submissive hope for the better?

Now please understand, I am completely aware there is no straight line definition of what a submissive is. It means a lot of things to a lot of people, but that's kind of why I made the post. To hear other peoples thoughts.

And as a general footnote for good measure, I do not mean to offend or anger anyone through this post and its responses. If I do, please pardon me as I do it out of innocence and not of malice.

< Message edited by TheQuizmeister -- 7/29/2009 3:51:30 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 4:31:32 PM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Firstly, welcome to the forum. I think its entirely possible to be a leader in some aspects but not in all. As long as you are honest about what you seek, you shouldnt have a problem. If you search previous threads you will see many of the Ladies here like having an alpha male as a submissive.

(in reply to TheQuizmeister)

Post #: 2

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 4:48:25 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I love a man who is a leader outside our relationship.

As for the other question... that can get tricky. My first instinct is to say if there is that much discourse very early on, you may not be a good match. I do believe that some submissive's have tried to think for me and decide what I was able or unable to do and that doesn't fly too well with me. If I cannot determine what I can or cannot do then there is a huge problem with me. But that is up to me to determine. I absolutely hate when a man tries to tell me how to run my life and relationships by his assumptions. To ask me if I have time... that is fine. To point it out might be another matter. If someone needs more time than I can give, then I will say so. If he is projecting... we won't do well together no matter what.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to Politesub53)

Post #: 3

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 4:50:12 PM

wineDineNtieMe

Posts: 52
Joined: 7/9/2009
Status: offline

Hope its ok for a sub to put in her 2 cents here...

I used to work as a manager in a retail store. I ruled with an iron fist. I am a strict mother. I like to take charge and run things.

But when it comes to my Sir, I want Him to control me. I need bondage and discipline and the special kind of security that comes from putting yourself in someone else's hands and trusting them to take care of you. I need to relinquish control and follow His instructions. Until I was able to give voice to this aspect of myself, I always felt something was missing.

So, yes, a sub can be a leader. (and I think many are.)

< Message edited by wineDineNtieMe -- 7/29/2009 4:55:29 PM >

_____________________________

When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive.
-Goo Goo Dolls, Iris

(in reply to TheQuizmeister)

Post #: 4

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 4:56:32 PM

GADomCpl

Posts: 62
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

At work, I am more or less I charge. I have about 20 people who report directly to me, and regularly make decisions that affect over 5,000 people. I love my job, and have absolutely no problem doing it what so ever. At home, Liz and I both take care of our little one and each have as much say about her and her life as the other one does. When its time to punish, either one of us will do it. With most other things at home though Liz takes the lead, and i happily follow it. Does that mean im not a sub? i don't think so.

troy

(in reply to wineDineNtieMe)

Post #: 5

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 5:23:35 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

There are submissives across all types of professional roles including high-power positions like CEOs.

Even if one has a leadership style that relies on dominating or intimidating others, general personality and sexual role are two different traits that may or may not align to whatever degree.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to GADomCpl)

Post #: 6

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 5:23:43 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Being a sub means that you submit to another person within your relationship.

Outside the relationship things are different.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to GADomCpl)

Post #: 7

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 5:53:38 PM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

I am NOT submissive to any dominant that strolls along. My submission is given to one person. Outside of our relationship, I am a responsible person with a full time job that involves extensive team leadership and project management. In MMORPG-worlds, I run my guild in EverQuest2, I organize and tank raids for my guild and alliances.

Being submissive doesn't mean you check your brain or abilities at the door.

(in reply to TheQuizmeister)

Post #: 8

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 6:38:35 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

I don't want a weak idiot. I rely on the people in my life of all orientations and relationships to advise me and give me the wisdom of their differing perspectives and experience, whether that is my husband, my girl, or any of my male subs. I incline more and more towards a Victorian household, and the butler or steward is required to be able to give orders, balance resources, and direct operations, but all this so that when his lady sits down to her dinner she knows that all will be very well.

_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to Drifa)

Post #: 9

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 6:48:05 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

~FR~ Again, no, I didn't read the previous responses. I'm lazy today.

My submission is not universal, and even if it was, in some capacities I would better serve as a leader. I submit to my partner and others of his choosing. In other areas of my life, it really holds no bearing on the role I may take up. It may affect HOW I choose to lead, but not whether or not I can based solely on a personal trait. I am a capable leader when I desire to be or when it is needed. As long as I don't try to come to my partner and attempt to take that same role, there is no contraindication. A better question might be whether a give submissive WANTS to lead in outside interests. I would say I don't necessarily want to lead, but that I am still capable of doing so competently when needed.

lovingpet

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)

Post #: 10

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 8:05:11 PM

spokanesub85

Posts: 46
Joined: 7/27/2009
Status: offline

I am a sub and I was a squad leader in the military.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 11

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 9:12:32 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

He can be Dominant with anyone BUT Me. I am the leader of our relationship and he belongs to Me, but outside of that he can lead all he wants. Which is never, unless you count online gaming, then he likes to lead everyone but Me.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to TheQuizmeister)

Post #: 12

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 11:45:34 PM

VanityFix

Posts: 141
Joined: 7/20/2009
Status: offline

i tend to have a strong personality and tend to not neccesarly lead all the time but i do have a voice that is typically listoned to, if i have to i will lead people.
i find dominant types very attractive as they allow me to step out of leadership roles, in relationships or in any area of life. i will lead unless i find someone better at it, if i do i will follow that leader and support them as long as they hold my respect.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 13

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/29/2009 11:57:46 PM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline

Who do you think dressed up our glorious leader in those "Mom" jeans for the All Star game?

Think Michelle got those arms beating pancake batter?

At laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to TheQuizmeister)

Post #: 14

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/30/2009 4:50:59 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spokanesub85

I am a sub and I was a squad leader in the military.

Oh Damn. How fast can you get here?

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to spokanesub85)

Post #: 15

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/30/2009 4:52:00 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chiaThePet

Who do you think dressed up our glorious leader in those "Mom" jeans for the All Star game?

Think Michelle got those arms beating pancake batter?

At laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast.

chia* (the pet)

*giggle* I'm glad I'm not the only one who looked at those two and thought the same thing.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to chiaThePet)

Post #: 16

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/30/2009 6:24:06 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

One of our local munch/demo groups was run by submissive for years and it worked great. Just because they were submissives did not mean they were incapable of running something. In fact I would say it ran better than some clubs I have seen that are controlled by a group of dominants. The dominants tended to try and one up each other, while the subs had no problems with power struggles.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to TheQuizmeister)

Post #: 17

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/30/2009 6:28:51 AM

fadedshadow

Posts: 751
Joined: 4/27/2009
From: a place
Status: offline

i think so

_____________________________

your living nightmare

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 18

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/30/2009 8:44:16 AM

TheQuizmeister

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/29/2009
Status: offline

First of all, thank you for your responses.

So it seems I came to the correct conclusion. A D/s relationship is one, for the most part, that is completely seperate from other relationships, be they professional or emotional.

(in reply to TheQuizmeister)

Post #: 19

RE: Can a sub still be a leader? - 7/30/2009 10:11:48 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

That about sums it up. There's a very strong tendency, I think, for one to read these boards and come to the conclusion that a dominant has to be dominant in all ways and a submissive submissive in all ways. My impression is that's rarely true in D/s partnerships, let alone outside those partnerships.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to TheQuizmeister)

Post #: 20

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