sskitten
Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
Status: offline
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I think some great advice has been offered here and I'm glad you've scaled things back and that communication is improving. What I'm concerned about is this: the kind of play you were doing with your Dom seemed to have surpassed the bounds of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. During the sessions that concerned you, you were feeling "shocked" and "nothing" (but certainly not pleasure) and you launched this thread because you have been feeling afraid.
You say you've been craving what turns out to hurt you (on the outside and the inside) and when it hurts you you are baffled even as you continue to crave it. At least one response observed that you might not be a masochist; other replies have asked you to try to figure out what appeals to you about the lifestyle, and others have suggested scaling back but with an implied assumption that when you are ready, the pain and humiliation might intensify again.
Maybe you do crave and need pain and humiliation, but maybe it truly had entered the realm of physical abuse.
As you have found out, what stirs us on the inside does not always stir us in the same way in reality (even if it did up to a certain point). For instance, another fairly recent thread on this board was posted by a sub who had happily fantasized about being blindfolded but absolutely panicked when she was blindfolded in reality. And I've read that subs who enjoy the fantasy of being caged can find the reality dismal. This doesn't mean we are letting ourselves or our Dom/Master down. It just means we are learning more about ourselves - what works for us and what doesn't, and where our limits actually lie (even if we might like to think we have no limits).
The whole relationship needs to be built on trust and respect, but it seems you could not trust your Dom to know when it had moved from pleasure to something miserable, and even when you tried to tell him, he could not seem to understand or respect your feelings and called you "silly" for feeling them. If you want to be a slave to this man and put your life in his hands, isn't it vital that you be able to trust his handling of you 100% - both physically and emotionally?
It's great that things are improving. I humbly suggest that you consider holding the pain and humiliation at the level that is pleasurable - not just temporarily but permanently - while also exploring paths to deeper submission involving no pain or humiliation. You might find that you can get a thrill from those quieter paths, too, and that they might work better for you than abuse.
Kitten
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RE: Contradictory Emotions - 
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