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Advice Please - 2/20/2006 10:47:38 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
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I have a problem, and I really hope that I could get some advice about this. Pup and I get along great in person, we play, laugh, share long talks, have almost perfect weekends filled with wonderful activities we both enjoy. Then he has to leave on Sunday night. Everything is ok, he no longer cries when he has to leave, because he knows that he will be back the following weekend. Then Monday comes. And it doesnt matter what kind of weekend we had, we end up arguing on Monday. Sometimes it escalates into Tuesday, but more often than not, we get along the rest of the week. We do have tiffs, and I end up having to scold him (Putting it mildly). I dont understand how we can get along SO WELL on the weekends or when we are together and fight so badly apart. This is tearing us apart. Obviously there is much more to this story, but the main gist of this, is that we get along so well in person, but it falls apart when we are apart. Any suggestions? Advice? We talk daily, by phone and online while we are apart. Could that be it? Too much contact online or phone? I dont want to lose him but at the rate we are going, we are not going to recover from this. As you can imagine, this is very hard for me to post about, but I dont know what else to do. I know it will be difficult for ya'll to offer advice when clearly I am not telling the whole story, but it is hard enough to post about this without airing it all out there to dry.

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RE: Advice Please - 2/20/2006 11:00:58 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Gut reaction since you've already said we don't know the whole story.. why are you letting YOUR submissive argue with you?

Sounds like a pup who needs a whack on the nose with a newspaper to me.

Without more info, that's the best I can do.

Good luck, MoGa

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 2

RE: Advice Please - 2/20/2006 11:12:58 PM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

Hello MistressOfGa,

Yes, one can easily see how this is a difficulty thing to post about. i am not really feeling that i have any advice, but wanted to at least offer up my hope sincere that the two of You can find a way to make this work.

Seems to me that if the time together is so good, and has so much value, that it must be a relationship worth working on, although You did not say how long this scenario has been playing out in this way, so for all i know - You may already be at the end of that working through.

In my case, i am still seeking my Goddess. Although i will admit now to being rather smitten with a Goddess who has honored me with Her notice ;-). i cannot imagine "fighting with Her" i can imagine stating my case, and listening to Her thoughts and feelings on the matter, but then see my only option to be the acceptance of Her final word and decision. There would/could be no "fighting."

i do realize that all people are different, and that the dynamics of each relationship are unique, i am just saying that in my case, i would not even be comfortable "fighting" with Her. That includes whining, resistance, or outright arguing. If i were to behave that way, i would naturally suspect that She might be considering my release, as She has already made it clear to me that Her decision is final. As it should be.

i suppose the most important thing is for You to decide. What is most important to You. i have followed Your posts for a while now and You do seem to be a reasonable and fair-minded Domme. i suppose that ultimately You already know Your own answer to this dilemma, deep inside.

i of course wish You the best. I do have quite a bit of experience working through these types of issues with "friends" over the years, so if You think i may be of any use please feel free to reach out to me on the other side.

If You are true to Yourself - then in the long run this will work out for the best, for all concerned.

st50

_____________________________

i want to be your ... #1 lowest common denominator.

Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 3

RE: Advice Please - 2/20/2006 11:37:06 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
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He's a baby puppy who is ripped away from his Mommy at the end of every weekend, and he's mad and lonely and resentful, and like all young ones, is taking it out on the person he trusts to take care of *everything* in his life. Of course it's counter productive, but he's being reactive, not calculating. Actually, fighting and being angry takes some of the pain of separation away for him. Of course it's not fair, either, especially to you.

He needs an outlet where he can release all his anger in a positive manner, so he doesn't start fights with you, fights he knows he can't win, and would be afraid to win. Perhaps something like having him spend Mondays reflecting and writing about how he's feeling, all the events of the weekend, lessons he's learned about himself, how he's going to put that knowlege to use, etc, and then you talk to him Tuesday, when it's one day closer?

On the other hand, that could just as easily make Tuesday, Monday.

Best of luck.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 4

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 12:08:34 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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i am not allowed to argue with my Master.

Having said that, i don't see anything wrong with talking every day. Maybe he is depressed on Mondays - a separation anxiety thing - and needs to be taught how to deal with that. Without knowing him, i can't possibly know what is best for him, but wonder if it is a reach for attention based on some resentments or depression about going home Sunday nights.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 5

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 12:13:12 AM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

Yes, going home on Sunday's has to really suck!

st50

_____________________________

i want to be your ... #1 lowest common denominator.

Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 6

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 2:59:46 AM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Gut reaction since you've already said we don't know the whole story.. why are you letting YOUR submissive argue with you?

Sounds like a pup who needs a whack on the nose with a newspaper to me.

Without more info, that's the best I can do.

Good luck, MoGa

Celeste

Thank you BitaTruble for your reply. Before pup can speak freely about anything to me, he has to ask permission. I probably should have made that clear. It isnt that HE is arguing with ME, it is *I* that fights with HIM. So I doubt that the problem lies on his part. Someone mentioned separation anxiety, it may be me that has it, not him. BUT, what he does do is things that he knows would bother me, then tells me about them. Does he do it on purpose, he says no. I say yes, and therein lies the problem.

He has to leave on Sunday nights because he is a full time student in Savannah. I dont live in Savannah. I live two hours away.

Seaturtle-thank you for your replies. This started two weeks ago. Yes, I believe this relationship is worth saving and hopefully we will be able to work things out.

quote:

He's a baby puppy who is ripped away from his Mommy at the end of every weekend, and he's mad and lonely and resentful, and like all young ones, is taking it out on the person he trusts to take care of *everything* in his life. Of course it's counter productive, but he's being reactive, not calculating. Actually, fighting and being angry takes some of the pain of separation away for him. Of course it's not fair, either, especially to you.

Oh boy MissToYou, you sure hit the nail on the head here. He told me last night that he feels complete when he is with me, and feels "adrift" when he is not.

quote:

He needs an outlet where he can release all his anger in a positive manner, so he doesn't start fights with you, fights he knows he can't win, and would be afraid to win. Perhaps something like having him spend Mondays reflecting and writing about how he's feeling, all the events of the weekend, lessons he's learned about himself, how he's going to put that knowlege to use, etc, and then you talk to him Tuesday, when it's one day closer?

This is excellent advice. lol on your comment about Tuesday being Monday. <s>

quote:

Maybe he is depressed on Mondays - a separation anxiety thing - and needs to be taught how to deal with that. Without knowing him, i can't possibly know what is best for him, but wonder if it is a reach for attention based on some resentments or depression about going home Sunday nights.

Thank you Ownedgirlie. I think we both may be depressed on Mondays.

_____________________________

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 7

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 3:31:13 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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Have you looked at it maybe in the terms of a kind of Dom drop? That you maybe missing the direct control that you had just the day before and that is causing tension whilst you get used to him being out of reach again?

Not that I can think of a posible solution as yet, but sometimes realising what the problem is can sometimes make it a lot easier to cope with and stop the effects of, find other ways to channel the negative points.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 8

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 3:54:41 AM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Have you looked at it maybe in the terms of a kind of Dom drop? That you maybe missing the direct control that you had just the day before and that is causing tension whilst you get used to him being out of reach again?

Not that I can think of a posible solution as yet, but sometimes realising what the problem is can sometimes make it a lot easier to cope with and stop the effects of, find other ways to channel the negative points.

I have thought of this a hundred times. I have never experienced it before, really. I have no idea what it feels like, but if this is it, I have a whole new empathy for sub drop. Thank you for replying RavenMuse.

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(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 9

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 4:18:17 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa
I have thought of this a hundred times. I have never experienced it before, really. I have no idea what it feels like, but if this is it, I have a whole new empathy for sub drop. Thank you for replying RavenMuse.

If that is what is happening then I feel for you petal, I really do. Not experienced it in the seperation side but I know that what I identify as Dom drop within myself does make me more than a little 'snippy' and argumentative.

I can only speak for how it is in my case, but for me it is the reverse of sub drop wich needs aftercare. I am a Dom, I need to handle it myself and I realised that what I was effectivly doing was pushing her away whilst I tried to deal with it myself. I don't have someone else to 'make it better' and I can't bring myself to let anyone try (One of the reasons I can't switch, I simply find myself unable to hand over that responcibility to another). What I needed was a little time to work on myself....sometimes that conflicted with the subs need to serve and to please her master when she could see he was not happy. Hence we ended up arguing.

Once I identified where it was comming from within me and what I needed to do (Have a little alone time to sort myself back into shape) I was able to bite back the argumentative bit of me because I knew it wasn't her that was 'causing' it. Deal with her immeditate needs so she would be OK whilst I took the time I needed.

Hope that in some way helps.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 10

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 5:24:17 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

It isnt that HE is arguing with ME, it is *I* that fights with HIM. So I doubt that the problem lies on his part. Someone mentioned separation anxiety, it may be me that has it, not him. BUT, what he does do is things that he knows would bother me, then tells me about them. Does he do it on purpose, he says no. I say yes, and therein lies the problem.

Sounds to me like there may be two of you in it.... some sub drop along side some Domme drop.

If he is doing things he knows will irk you it could be for attention and sometimes even negative attention is sought...maybe it helps him not miss you so much on a Monday if you are cross with him or it could be just you both are a tad negative as missing each other.
Try explaining the things that annoy you calmly when you are together so he can't then claim he didn't know they would.
Maybe try not to react if he does tell you... maybe just get him as suggested before to go write about it. The written word can often let someone see more clearly their part in things.
Make Monday a day to focus on positive things.

Best of luck to you both.

Oumae

< Message edited by Oumae -- 2/21/2006 5:25:22 AM >

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 11

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 5:40:59 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Sounds to me like it's a combo of Dom/me drop and perhaps sub drop? (or whatever you'd call their version of it) Your missing him and he's missing you so longing turns into frustration and sometimes anger making you two bicker. I don't think disciplining him is going to help it may make matters worse. A sub or slave that can't express themselves is soon going to turn into a robot and who wants that?, instead why don't you try talking to him about it. I think if you two speak openly about it then you can find some way to handle the situation so that you both feel good about it.

L

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 12

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 5:47:56 AM

michaelGA

Posts: 1194
Status: offline

i don't think i could ever argue with You, Ma'am...had things worked out, but i believe the seperation anxiety may be the biggest problem in this situation. it is difficult to say for sure, since i have never had a "real life" Mistress...that is to say, one that i say every week, one that kept up with me on a daily basis or someone who cared enough if i were alive or dead ( in know, cryptic response) and it doesn't look like that is about to change any time in my lifetime.

i hesitate to say this but...i envy the relationship You have with pup and the relationship others have on this or any site as it tends to escape my grasp.

i sincerely hope that things DO get better, Ma'am.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to Oumae)

Post #: 13

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 6:18:13 AM

friskiesub

Posts: 49
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

Misstoyou: I was impressed with your response.
If I may ask - I have an issue that is bothering me. I've been chatting online with a Mistess for almost three weeks. I'm GWF sub, we both live in the same state, and yet she will not telephone me? Am I wrong in becoming suspicious? Starting to wonder if this is someone "just getting off", etc. Being fairly new at this, I'm not sure how to approach her. I have asked her numerous times to call me, I need to hear a voice to go with the messages.
Thanks for any input,

(in reply to Misstoyou)

Post #: 14

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 6:41:04 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

Misstoyou: I was impressed with your response.
If I may ask - I have an issue that is bothering me. I've been chatting online with a Mistess for almost three weeks. I'm GWF sub, we both live in the same state, and yet she will not telephone me? Am I wrong in becoming suspicious? Starting to wonder if this is someone "just getting off", etc. Being fairly new at this, I'm not sure how to approach her. I have asked her numerous times to call me, I need to hear a voice to go with the messages.
Thanks for any input,

If after 3 weeks of chatting online she won't call you....well, that's a major red flag to me. I'd want voice confirmation within a week or two to ensure it is indeed a female I'm speaking with

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to friskiesub)

Post #: 15

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 6:48:49 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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My guess is that it's just normal readjustment problems.

During the weekend you are problably drastically changing your sleeping/eating/waking cycles, as well as doing very different things as you do. The mere simple "contact high" that you give eachother while being together will throw off your body chemistry.

Then on Monday you get thrown back into the standard cycle. It makes perfect sense that your moods and emotions would be off-kilter as well and need time to get back into the groove.

You could implement rituals- beginning Sunday night. Relaxation and centering techniques for you both, a strict bedtime, a mantra to center yourself through the day on Monday. And honestly- keep the phone call short on Monday evening. It lessens the pressure for both of you, doesn't give you time to bring up the stuff you already know (this sucks, etc) and gives you both some alone time to just chill and make a slow landing into the "real world."

Also, decide what you will talk about beforehand. Make a rule that, unless it's an emergency, you aren't allowed to discuss problems or issues until Tuesday. That extra day of perspective can help a lot.

This might help or might not, depending on the actual causes of the skirmishes and the depth and triggers that they have. But I don't think it would hurt to try.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 16

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 6:58:15 AM

friskiesub

Posts: 49
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline

Thank you for responding, and those were my exact thoughts. Will you please send a suggestion my way...what or how can I do to get "her" to call. She may just say it's her normal routine. I would rather not use an ultimatum..."if you don't call me I cannot continue with this" type of deal.
Thanks again for any hints,
Friskie

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 17

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 7:38:49 AM

fergus

Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

We all have our cycles, peculiatrites, and nuances.

Sounds to me like you and he are discovering how both of you feel about each other, and the seperation is manifesting itself in anxiety on both your parts.

The best thing to do is to RECOGNIZE that it is there, that it is not YOUR fault or HIS fault, that it is an emtional response. With that, perhaps you can figure a way in which to adjust to it. Maybe don't call him on monday, maybe do something that is merely fun for you, for its own sake.

I don't know what the answer is, but I know you will find it.

Anyway, approach each other with mutual respect and dignity, and all will be well :)

fergus

(in reply to friskiesub)

Post #: 18

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 8:02:10 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

MistressofGa at the risk of sounding like I know you when I really don't but I'd guess you might be falling in love with your puppy. This is based on my own falling in love with my slave.

After Fox finished training in moved into my house for the first summer -- fully collar, 24/7 test run we called it. This was when I would say that I fell into a committed love with Fox (he was there months before I but I'm more cautious perhaps and older).

When the semesters started again he went back to campus where he was an RA to help pay for school. That year was our most difficult year. I would just get angry at the drop of a hat because he'd be here on the weekends and we'd go back to our routine of mistress and slave but during the week he'd be on campus and even though we talked every day it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough for him either and I think that he did what you puppy does -- purposely did things to annoy me to get some reaction from me. Without the constant presence he wanted the intensity. It was an easy trap to fall into.

Things got so bad that my husband threatened to handcuff and lock us in a room together until we had a real honest fight over everything so that things would end or mend.

We didn't need that but we need need to make some decisions and some changes (none of which I am recommending to anyone else; you have to do what is appropriate for you in your situation).

That second summer Fox moved back in and has never lived elsewhere except for visits to other places of course.

We have ups and downs (both being mere human beings this will happen) but we do not fight and I don't get angry so easily (though I still have a temper mind you).

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 19

RE: Advice Please - 2/21/2006 8:35:34 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Have you looked at it maybe in the terms of a kind of Dom drop? That you maybe missing the direct control that you had just the day before and that is causing tension whilst you get used to him being out of reach again?

Not that I can think of a posible solution as yet, but sometimes realising what the problem is can sometimes make it a lot easier to cope with and stop the effects of, find other ways to channel the negative points.

At the end of the day when the cold hard slap of reality hits, it hurts like hell--I agree with Raven, there is no question it is Domdrop and a tad of subdrop thrown in--You adore the pup, it shows, there is a special bond that Y/you two have and have a different one because of the age(s)---You are growing and training him, he looks to You for validation of what he is--add that to the intenseness of weekends and damn MoG--anyone would be a lunatic. <smiles>

So, realize Dear One what it is and stop fighting, You are Mistress, You have to be strong, and I don't mean You cannot feel, but know what it is, find some way to rise above it--as for him--nothing changes, he does things that You do not approve of, he gets punished end of story.

You love him, he adores you--and its hard. Braid the rope together, not separate.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 2/21/2006 8:36:21 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 20

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