RE: Advice Please (Full Version)

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LadySonelle -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 9:35:36 AM)

If it is you who are arguing with him, or starting the fights, the problem lies with you. You might consider looking into a concept called Active Listening (as set out in P.E.T. or Parent Effectiveness Training) to deal with the problem. Some concepts include 'ownership of a problem' and 'active listening' where you can feed back to him what you believe you are hearing and then have him clarify what he is actually saying. This enables you to overcome the filters you are unconsciously applying to the conversation.

Another good concept is contained in the old book "Games People Play" where if you find yourself always arguing over the *same* thing, you can find out what script you are using, what game you are running, and step outside it to begin in a nrew direction.

While these are both '1970's feel good self help stuff, they are very valid concepts and approaches and can really work to defuse problems. That you realise that you are the active cause of many of the fights is 75% of the solution right there! Google both "Parent Effectiveness Training" and "Games People Play" for more information.

Lady Sonelle



yourMissTress -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 9:43:37 AM)


quote:

He's a baby puppy who is ripped away from his Mommy at the end of every weekend, and he's mad and lonely and resentful, and like all young ones, is taking it out on the person he trusts to take care of *everything* in his life. Of course it's counter productive, but he's being reactive, not calculating. Actually, fighting and being angry takes some of the pain of separation away for him. Of course it's not fair, either, especially to you.

He needs an outlet where he can release all his anger in a positive manner, so he doesn't start fights with you, fights he knows he can't win, and would be afraid to win. Perhaps something like having him spend Mondays reflecting and writing about how he's feeling, all the events of the weekend, lessons he's learned about himself, how he's going to put that knowlege to use, etc, and then you talk to him Tuesday, when it's one day closer?

On the other hand, that could just as easily make Tuesday, Monday.

Best of luck.


Separation anxiety...my first thought. And since I don't have time to read the rest of the posts right now, and don't have the whole story, the only thought I can contribute at this time.



RavenMuse -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 9:53:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySonelle
Another good concept is contained in the old book "Games People Play" where if you find yourself always arguing over the *same* thing, you can find out what script you are using, what game you are running, and step outside it to begin in a nrew direction.


Eric Berne should be required reading for all Dom/mes IMO he has a very down to earth way of explaining transactional annalysis.



novacaine -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 10:02:13 AM)

I have no advice to offer, however, the same thing seems to happen to me.

On the weekends, it's wonderful, but during the week when we're apart, I just want to throttle him and scream, and I'm not sure why. Part of it might be my hatred for talking on the phone, but who knows?



PenelopePitstop -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 10:13:16 AM)

The armchair psychologist strikes again!!! I think a couple of things are going on here in addition to the insights others have displayed.

1) The weekend, is traditionally 'YOUR' time. The week is traditionally a mixture of Your Time and Everyone Else's Time - oddly enough this holds true even if you don't have a regular work pattern, it seems to be wired in. IMHO it's harder to keep in a good mood during the week simply because it is a constant balancing act of dealing with the demands of the rest of the world which insists on keeping office hours. Mentally, one can't help but be preoccupied and a little stressed, and yearn for the times of intimacy. Well, it's food for thought. We all have internal rhythms and sometimes we get out of step with life and with each other. In conclusion perhaps your rhythms and pup's rhythms are a little out of synch due to the lives you lead?

2) Again, an issue of timing. If you know for sure when you will be seeing each other, what happens to the spontaneity aspect of your relationship. I hesitate to use the word routine (at least in the way it is usually meant in a relationship context) but regularity and predictability, although good for many things, tends to restrict passion, and allow the mundane in.



BitaTruble -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 10:22:49 AM)

quote:

BUT, what he does do is things that he knows would bother me, then tells me about them. Does he do it on purpose, he says no. I say yes, and therein lies the problem.


I hope you don't take offense at this at all, but you're thinking about this too much. Using a puppy analogy.. you play with your puppy all weekend. You love him, he loves you, you throw the ball, he brings it back and all is well... then you go to work on Monday only to come home and find your favorite pair of shoes has been destroyed by his sharp little teeth. You scold him, then kiss him and you still love him and he's happy to because he's got the attention of his Mistress again. Then what do you have the nerve to do.. but go right back to work on Tuesday! So, he goes right back to the closest and chews through another pair of shoes. Now, is he doing it on purpose? In a manner yes, but it's based on subconscience instinct, so if that puppy could talk, he would deny doing it on purpose. He's hurt and taking out his aggression the only way he knows how, by chewing through your shoes.. or in the case of 'your' pup, by doing things which bother you as you go from active domination on Sunday to phone or email contacts during the week sans that physical active domination. Reassurance and communication are necessary just as they would be with any puppy.

So, all that said, my original advice stands. There's a pup who needs a smack on the nose with a newspaper. :)

Celeste



PenelopePitstop -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 10:39:55 AM)

That is a beautiful analogy...



pupofMoGa -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 1:11:51 PM)

Thank You everyone for replying to Mistress's post. She was unable to write back sooner because She is on Her way down here to Savannah to see me. I am so excited and happy to see Her again. The information Y'all have given to U/us has been invaluable. With the new information, W/we can now look forward to setting goals and hopefully accomplishing a better understanding of each other and the dynamics of O/our relationship. She is feeling renewed and excited, as am I about finally having an explanation for what W /we both felt as unbelievable lunacy [:)]. I have not known Mistress to act this way and was just as confused as She was regarding Her behavior. As Her submissive, i felt as it was not my place to question Her behavior as of late. I am not saying that i am completely faultless but W/we have had a great line of communication since W/we have met. However, with the break down of communication between U/us, to use the analogies others have used, i have been a lost puppy and i really did not know how to communicate with Her how i was feeling. And most of You are right; the two of U/us have displayed characteristics that were not normal for either one of U/us. Thank You so much, i personally could not express my gratitude for the assistance and kindness, and the non-judgmental encouragement You have provided U/us.

-pup

quote:

if that puppy could talk, he would deny doing it on purpose

BitaTruble, this pup CAN talk. And yes, of course, i deny it; i would never do anything on purpose to hurt Mistress even if i wanted attention. I could think of a lot better ways and methods of getting Mistress's attention that would not be so detrimental or hurtful to Her. Besides, She has the sexiest 5" red stilettos this pup could lay his mouth on (and i do not mean chewing lol). And the only person allowed to hit this pup on the nose with a newspaper is Mistress. And She thinks my nose is much too cute to hit[:D].



RavenMuse -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 1:16:35 PM)

Hi Pup,

Glad you both feel you got something out of this to work with, the bond between the two of you is obvious and strong. Here's hoping everything goes well for the pair of you[:)]



BeachMystress -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 1:52:28 PM)


Oh cripes, I've been in your situation with one of my exsubs. We finally realized I was dropping. Dominants drop too, not just subs. At one point, I picked fights regularly two days after playing. I couldn't help myself. It caused a real schism in our relationship. Once I realized what I was doing, I was able to get a better grip on it. When I felt a fight coming on, I told him I had to go and why. He left me alone till I felt better. When I felt I could reattach without being nasty, I did so and he was there for me when I felt better in a few hours.



Submotive -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 2:13:49 PM)

quote:

Then Monday comes. And it doesnt matter what kind of weekend we had, we end up arguing on Monday. Sometimes it escalates into Tuesday, but more often than not, we get along the rest of the week. We do have tiffs, and I end up having to scold him (Putting it mildly). I dont understand how we can get along SO WELL on the weekends or when we are together and fight so badly apart.


me thinks pup has such a hard time leaving that it's easier for him to tell himself he's mad at you than feel the sadness. Possible?



MistressOfGa -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 3:12:44 PM)

I am now in Savannah with pup. I dont normally come here on the weekends, much less during the week, but I felt it was important to be here tonight and get some things straightened. Unfortunately, he has to work, so as I am waiting for him to return, I thought I would come here and share my pups words of thanks. I should of asked about this two weeks ago, it would have saved some of my hair turning grey <s>

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cant explain the hell I have been through these past few weeks and it may have shown on the message forums. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my words. Ya'll are a great group of people and I would be proud to call any of you a "friend".

Thank you again!



BitaTruble -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 3:26:44 PM)


quote:



Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cant explain the hell I have been through these past few weeks and it may have shown on the message forums. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my words. Ya'll are a great group of people and I would be proud to call any of you a "friend".

Thank you again!


From your pup:

quote:

And She thinks my nose is much too cute to hit .


Hopefully, hitting cute things isn't a limit, because if his butt is as cute as his nose, you might need to ask for some more advice.

::chuckles::

Celeste



MistressOfGa -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 3:32:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble


quote:



Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cant explain the hell I have been through these past few weeks and it may have shown on the message forums. I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my words. Ya'll are a great group of people and I would be proud to call any of you a "friend".

Thank you again!


From your pup:

quote:

And She thinks my nose is much too cute to hit .


Hopefully, hitting cute things isn't a limit, because if his butt is as cute as his nose, you might need to ask for some more advice.

::chuckles::

Celeste

lol! His ass is just as cute as any other part of him, and trust me, it gets hit hard and hit often <s>



Misstoyou -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 4:01:56 PM)

Oops! I just saw the other thread.




michaelGA -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 4:09:16 PM)

i am glad things are going alright for You and pup, Ma'am...maybe someday i'll have a trusting relationship like that...maybe not



Misstoyou -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 4:19:15 PM)

What I like about this story and you going to Savannah, MoGa, is that you just didn't sit around. You are proactive in taking care of your pup and your relationship. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Domme. [:)]



michaelGA -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 4:25:06 PM)

please excuse my posts for a bit as i'm in full depressed mode tonight, i won't go into detail as to why because it would only tend to look bad for me. i will try hard to not let it mess up these forums as they are good and it's not about me.



MistressOfGa -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 7:12:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Misstoyou

What I like about this story and you going to Savannah, MoGa, is that you just didn't sit around. You are proactive in taking care of your pup and your relationship. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Domme. [:)]

Thank you Misstoyou, I will take that as a very very nice compliment. But I would ask this, would any of you do any less if you knew that your submissive needed you? Or if you thought that things needed to be addressed right away, and you lived close enough to address the issues? I dont think there is a choice when it comes to something THIS important, do you?

Michael, I'm very sorry you are feeling low. Sometimes smiles arent enough are they?

Hugs



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Advice Please (2/21/2006 7:14:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa
and you lived close enough to address the issues? I dont think there is a choice when it comes to something THIS important, do you?

Michael, I'm very sorry you are feeling low. Sometimes smiles arent enough are they?

Hugs[/size]

LOL before getting involved with my local partner I'd have been more likely to say "Eh, we can deal, we're strong adults."

The day my mom went in for her first breast surgery operation, I had to be the strong one since my sister is the one who cries and expresses her fears and I needed to show my mom that things were going to be fine.

That night I was a wreck and my local partner drove up just to be there for me. I really hadn't known what I was missing or how wonderful a simple act like that could be until that moment.

So, in brief, I can only agree with you. When the relationship is that important to you, you do what needs to be done. We've only got the one life.



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