DMFParadox
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Joined: 9/11/2007
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I want to share my latest view on dominance and submission, and see what you guys think.
1st Principle: S/m is one emotion with many expressions
For my amusement I'm inventing a verb: 'sem'. Sem is when you're feeling 'S/m ish.' We've all got different ways of expressing this, some people like to be beaten, some called names, some like to do the beating and/or calling. Or mindfucks, or barking commands and being obeyed, whatev. But I kind of lump it all under one emotion with different forms of expression.
Of course, this is an abstract simplification; but it's useful for me. Despite my sexual preference for being on top of things, the things that have taught me the most about dominance were those times I am doing my level best to follow instructions under duress, most recently by my instructors in kickboxing class. It all reaches a point of singularity, for me. I feel very sem after one of those classes, and it's hard to keep a lid on my sadistic/dominant streak at work lately since I've been taking them. I imagine a more submissive person would feel the same way, but express it differently. (More aggressively submissive?) Which leads me to my next point.
2nd Principle: Aggressiveness does not Equal Dominance: It multiplies it
...nor does passiveness equal submission. It's a multiplier, though... aggressiveness * sem = how visible your state of mind is. (What is sem? Read the paragraph above again...) And the more passive you are, the LESS apparent it is whether you're feeling dominant or submissive at the moment.
Of course there are many different reasons to be passive or aggressive. Feeling unfulfilled or hopeless can make your passive, but so can feeling satistified or just really tired. Etc., etc. So try to believe I'm applying common sense when using this rule; it's not perfect.
3rd Principle: Sem is exactly like sex, but different
Go ahead and snicker at that one, but hear me out. Sex is what couples do when at least one of us is horny, no? Unless there's a camera and money involved, and even then it helps to actually want it. Sometimes it's planned in advance when we are horny but can't act, and that can be challenging, but interest is usually revived when the main event happens. And 'sexiness' generally takes a little bit of effort; working out, eating right, taking care of yourself, the more you do the more you are.
Sem is the same damned thing. Try this out: Sem is what couples do when at least one of them is feeling frenzy, no? Unless there's a camera and money involved, and even then it helps to actually want it. Sometimtes it's planned in advance when we want whippings and sub/Domspace but can't act, and that can be challenging; but interest is usually revived when the main event happens. And being a compelling sub/Dom generally takes a bit of effort; practicing, keeping in shape, testing your boundaries, the more you do the more you are.
4th Principle: DO IT
I see a lot of subs complain about 'fakes' and about not feeling really kept in subspace. I don't see as many Doms or dommes complaining, but it does happen sometimes. Well, the rule here is simple: Sem is like sex. If you're in a relationship that's more than a couple of dates, the rule is to FUCKING DO IT FOR YOUR PARTNER WHETHER YOU FEEL LIKE IT OR NOT. (Communication is key, but sometimes you have to say 'fuck communication' and ACT. It can be a hard line to find.)
This is kind of expected for subs, what with the whole obedience thing... and it's kind of not demanded from Dominants or Masters. If it's the sub talking, then all they can do usually without catching shit for it is express helpless dissatisfaction, really. And that's okay, whatever floats, etc., etc.. Now. That said, if you'll allow me the egotism here, this is peer review and if your sub is talking this way then you have failed my review. Fucking man/woman up and do that thing!
It's like this: If I am horny I expect enthusiastic satisfaction. On her period, or she's tired, doesn't matter, if I ask then I expect a yes. Vice versa: if I have a girl who's feeling horny, and she's my girl, I firmly believe by god and by country it is my duty as a man to ream her hole. That's it. When things were good, it was usually because we were following this rule, and when they were bad we weren't. It's hard sometimes (harder for me to be dominant 'on tap' than to be ready for sex, I have a ridiculous sex drive), but the payoff is enormous.
May the flaming commence.
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bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight
"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe
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You are too funny. Thank you Stella. :)
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