RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new

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IrishMist -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 2:47:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bear372217355 If I may take this in a slightly different direction, but along the same path, as I see some have thrown the ball in that direction already anyways,, I know this is likely gunna get me trashed, but what the hell, it's the truth. How about all the superstar subs and oh we're not worthy Domme/Dom's, just answer the question posed without the drama and sarcasm or posting links or "Read the forum board" or as was so eliquently put "griping" about how many times they've heard this question or that question or "As I would say to blah blah blah.... Someone rather smart, stated it in another thread, that if we all just came here and read what was said a month ago, a year ago or whatever ago. The forum would likely stagnate and no one would learn anything truely new or inovative. In some cases, someone may just want a fresher perspective or get their name out here and be seen. Or perhaps in their newbie nervousness they missed the umpteen posts about that very topic. In any case, some of the lofty attitudes here, have driven people away from this forum. Ya, I know, so what. Well, those people came here looking for a reasonable answer to what they thought was a reasonable question, and then they were made to look the fool. Is that the impression of ourselves that we would like newbies to walk away with? Are we that jaded and wrapped up in our own selves that we can't even look past someones noviceness and allow them the chance to make a mistake and learn from it? Or how about, who cares, just answer the question as it was posed and move on. As alot of you are knowledgeable, wouldn't it be a little more graceful to temper that wisdom with some humility or compassion (I read that in here somewhere too). Somebody reffered to a "pack" mentallity in here once too, I will admit to being caught up in that effect. To which I will hang my head in shame and say I was wrong. I have the ablity to say that because I am the bigger man. Both in reality and figuratively. As soon as the holier then thou, look down their noses types stop doing just that, this place might just pick up a lot of new vioces. Nothing causes silence like the fear of being ridiculed. Nothing creates an atmosphere of censorship like a hostile environment. Things to think about. /sigh Point well taken Bear :)

bear372217355 -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 2:47:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: truesub4u Nothing wrong with asking the same question again and again.. New people.. new ideas.. new opinions... Swinging doors... people in.. people out.. Either respond.. or ignore.. to get frusted over same question being asked again... is as much as waste of energy as Jealousy is.. (another thread.. lol) I knew there was a reason I like you and your posts.

BitaTruble -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 2:49:05 PM)
quote: What is the best/ what are some good ways of explaining this to a friend/ co-worker/ family memeber etc? What if they're curious in a positive way? What if they're curious in a negative way? A friend of mine is getting curious... I'm going to use Bella as an example, because she's been a 'nilla friend in real life for quite some time. :) I've been out for several years, and over the last few years, every once in a while she'd ask me a question about the way I live my life. I would just answer those questions which she asked as honestly as I could. I didn't elaborate on her questions, just answered the specific ones in which she was interested in. I never pushed her or pressured her to accept my choices, but, she's a sweetie and, in fact, did accept me just as I am. Her curiosity became such that she wanted to try a few things for herself.. submission being one of those things which I saw in her a long time ago just because of the way she speaks about her husband and pleasing him and the life choices she's made up to this point, but everything had to be in her own time and in the steps that she could take. She calls them 'half-baby' steps. :) For those who are curious in a positive way, I'd just answer the questions they wished to know as long as I was comfortable with given out the information. For those who are curious in a negative way, frankly, I don't see them coming to me if their intention is to just berate BDSM and they won't get a lot of satisfaction because I have better things to do with my time than try to appease the narrow minded. I don't bother them, they don't bother me. If someone asks a direct question, I answer it.. but I don't try to convince them that BDSM is the end all, be all of living life. One of my favorite answers when someone asks me a question that I feel is designed to belittle or where I believe the person has a hidden agenda is to respond in one of two ways.. Why do you want to know? or How is that knowledge going to be of value to you? A good answer to one of those two questions 'might' get more information out of me. Generally, the response I get to those questions is.. "I'm curious" which is just too bad. One of the questions I get a lot is.. "What do you do to your slaves." And, that's no one's business but mine and theirs. quote: I hope you're ok with multiple questions... I am, but want to make it clear that my multiple answers are 'only' my ideas and ways, unless there is something which is factual, in which case, I'll let it be known that it's a truth rather than an opinion and will back it up with whatever sources I have used to arrive at that truth. quote: How do you handle the balance of having children/ what are some good guidelines? note- I don't have children.... but someday I will and I've been thinking about this a lot I do have children and now grandchildren, so I completely understand how it can be a concern. Quite simply, when they were younger, all my BDSM activites were kept out of their eyes and away from touching them in any way. That said, I do know there are households where children are exposed to common terms and living BDSM is not hidden and those children grow up happy, healthy and secure. Living in a BDSM structured home is far less important than just having good basic parenting skills. Reading to your child, feeding and clothing them, loving them, encourage their exploration of the world and building their self-esteem from birth.. all that is going to have the impact to raising productive humans regardless of other life choices. The choice whether to live an open BDSM life is up to the individual. Thoughtful consideration of what is good for your children is going to be the best gauge of what you do by them and how you do it. quote: Last one... for now ;) What if I'm painfully shy and traditional in my monogamy but want some involvement in this scene? How can I have friends and find social settings that cater to my crazy, introverted ways? If you are painfully shy, go slow, limiting your contacts to just a few others until you feel that you are comfortable. You can always expand your circle in your own good time. Small gatherings with good friends are the preferred choice for a lot of people. I'm not at all shy, but still prefer small and intimate to large and noisy. When you feel a connection with someone, just tell them.. hey, I like you, I like the way you think and I'm willing to take a risk that we can have a friendship. Sometimes that's all it takes. If you get turned down, don't dispair, just try it again with the next person with whom you connect. I know it can be hard to come out of a shell and make those approaches, but, in all honesty, the vast majority don't just have friends drop into our laps.. we 'must' make some kind of effort. Attending local munchies is non-threatening and if you go up to the host, tell them that you would like to be introduced to just one or two people, most who host munches are going to be more than happy to take you around or they'll have helpers who's job it is to do just that. That's what they're there for, to help in your transition from stranger to acquaintence.. once you get to that point, being a 'friend' will be up to you. Once you find some like-minded people with whom you feel comfortable, the sky's the limit for social activities. It's whatever you all enjoy doing that will determine the where's and when's. One last thing... this isn't the Olympics so there's no gold medal for reaching the finish line first.. don't push, don't rush.. just be yourself and your shyness will ease as your comfort levels go up. Half-baby steps work really well.. just ask Bella! Celeste

LaMalinche -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 2:52:30 PM)
I think that a lot of questiones get "ridiculed" beacuse they are senseless. . . I mean how many can post that they want a sub/dom/mistress/master? All questions that do not revolve around these are answered. With some fuuny interjections. Best, LaMalinche ps Who NEVER wants to be branded!!!!!!!!!!!!

BitaTruble -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 3:03:44 PM)
quote: I think that a lot of questiones get "ridiculed" beacuse they are senseless. . . Not to the person doing the asking. quote: I mean how many can post that they want a sub/dom/mistress/master? There are questions and then there are advertisements. In this thread, I'm going to take each question as a legitimate desire for knowledge, give my opinion and hope others do the same so there is a diversity available for the querying mind and if someone decides to advertise, I'm sure the mods will send it to the appropriate forum. Celeste

bear372217355 -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 3:05:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaMalinche I think that a lot of questiones get "ridiculed" beacuse they are senseless. . . I mean how many can post that they want a sub/dom/mistress/master? All questions that do not revolve around these are answered. With some fuuny interjections. Best, LaMalinche ps Who NEVER wants to be branded!!!!!!!!!!!! Ya, but who are we to decide what is sensless and what is not? At one point all our questions may have seemed sensless to someone, that does not remove there validity, it only confirms the person is rather new. Not everyone has had the benefit of finding a knowledgeable mentor from day one out here. Not to mention, sometimes, people are so eager to join in, they type out the first question that comes to mind. It doesn't mean it's sensless, they just have a lot to learn. We as those that may know something about something should take the higher road and act as an educated person. Look past the seemingly senslessness and tender our remarks with the simplest of compassion. That is not alot to ask, in fact it's asking quite little.

LaMalinche -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 3:14:25 PM)
Sorry BitaTruble, I thought that this was supposed to be funny. Oooppps. . . not. . . you were serious. ............runs away Best LaMalinche

BitaTruble -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 3:16:22 PM)
quote: ............runs away I have rope, know how to make a lasso and I can use it to boot. heheh Celeste

Bella1 -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 9:26:13 PM)
If u look up the word Nilla I'm sure my pic must be there. I'm so Nilla that I'm going to ask a question, [:(] quote: Attending local munchies what are "Munchies" ? how do u find them. It's a term I've Never heard before. (hangin head in shame) maybe I should change my name to Virgin Nilla lol Bella

BitaTruble -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 9:37:58 PM)
quote: what are "Munchies" ? how do u find them. It's a term I've Never heard before. (hangin head in shame) maybe I should change my name to Virgin Nilla lol That actually should have read as 'munches' not munchies. ::chuckles:: A munch is a non-threatening gathering of people who are interested or involved in BDSM or D/s. Usually held in public places ::parks, malls, restaurants:: and generally has a host who sets things up, announces the location, date and time and will make themselves responsible for introducing the brand spanking new to the rest of the attendees. It is street attire as opposed to fetish wear and name tags are optional. It's very socially oriented and often times BDSM isn't even discussed, it's just that everyone there knows that everyone else has 'some' kind of interest in BDSM or D/s. Celeste

Bella1 -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 9:39:25 PM)
quote: I'm guessing that you're not counting the questions you ask me on the phone. lol {{{{{{{{{bella}}}}}}}} Welcome to the boards. :* {{{{{{Celeste}}}}}}}} TY for the Welcome [:)] nope I'm not counting those questions. Bella

TheEmber -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 9:43:02 PM)
I have run into quite a few different flavors of BD/SM online, and I have yet to find a single individual who could prove conclusively that he/she/they were the ultimate source of knowledge when it comes to this type of lifestyle. Several have claimed it, and while having a broad amount of knowledge, the actual depth of that knowledge was as shallow as a puddle on a sidewalk. Others claim to know very little, but what they do know, they know intimately and have a great wealth of knowledge to offer on those few concepts they know. Truth be told, there is no one ultimate source of information or knowledge about BD/SM, although Kinsey amassed a great deal of information about the various types of 'kinks' that can be found inside of the term BD/SM, but then again, to a degree, the man condoned child rape, so take that as you will. No matter how many times someone explains an encounter, or describes what a specific item feels like, there is no substitute for the actual sensation, especially if you are new to this 'lifestyle' and have nothing upon which to base it or judge it against. It's akin to describing what it is like to be stabbed to someone and actually stabbing that person. It is truly a unique experience and there are no words to describe the sensations that come with it. You can empathize with someone, and even sympathize in the advent of a horror story of BD/SM instead of an actually enjoyable encounter. Until you actually feel the steel of the knife inside of you, much colder than anything else inside of you, and can feel the edge actually resting on top of something, it's pointless to throw words around describing this or that aspect of it. The same thing applies to BD/SM. Those that have been hit with a flogger knows, at least vaguely, what the person talking about it felt. Perhaps not the actual emotions that were associated with the experience, but the physical sensation is basically the same, depending of course on one's pain threshold. There are no stupid questions when it comes to BD/SM. There is a great deal of futility involved in explaining it, since it does vary for every single person involved in the 'lifestyle', but that is to be expected. Patience is the greatest asset when it comes to helping someone discover what it is about BD/Sm that interests them, because it will most likely be a very involved, convoluted path of discovery. It does not suprise me in the least when the path loops back over itself, and land that has already been tred upon is rediscovered, but through different eyes, sometimes for both people involved. All anyone that is truly interested can do is ask questions and all those that have experience can do is answer the questions. Sometimes, a verbal answer is exactly what is needed and sometimes it requires physical interaction with the questioner. Think of it in terms of the grade school teacher that hears the same questions year after year as to why things are the way they are. Do they lose their cool and start bellowing at the child or, eve worse, ignore the child? No, they stay patient and explain it again, year after year, sometimes day after day, until they retire. 7 times out of 10, the questions asked are honestly asked out of a desire to learn. The rest of the time, either sarcasm or 'trolling' is the reason for the question. Since I can never tell which is which, I simply answer questions and leave it at that. The person reading the answer may do with that information as they see fit, even if it is to ignore it and repeat the question. The more answers someone gets, the better informed they are and the less likely they will be in finding themselves in a truly bad situation. The main question here is not that the questions annoy us after the billionth time they are asked. The main question is are we willing to take the chance that someone, having not found information or, worse, scorn, will seek information elsewhere, possibly in person with someone else that is not experience, and get seriously hurt. All it takes is one wrong movement with a flogger, or crop or [fill int he blank with appropriate toy/prop] for there to be a permanent scar. Is your irritation worth someone else being injured because you were too irritated to share just an iota of whatever knowledge you might have, even if it isn't all that much?

BitaTruble -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 9:53:42 PM)
quote: Is your irritation worth someone else being injured because you were too irritated to share just an iota of whatever knowledge you might have, even if it isn't all that much? ::blinks:: Um, I'm not sure where you are getting the idea that I'm irritated by people asking me questions. I wouldn't have started this thread if that were true. Also, if I thought I could answer every question on every subject, I wouldn't have asked that others also share their knowledge. If you have misunderstood something which I've written, then I blame myself, because I was inept in my ability to communicate my desire, which is to have a place where newbies could come and ask questions which would be answered, at least by me and to the best of my ability and based strictly on my own experiences in BDSM, with the understanding that they are truly seeking knowledge. I make no assumptions on motivations. I hope I have cleared up my intentions. Celeste

truesub4u -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 10:27:27 PM)
Bita... although I didn't take your post as being irritated by the questions... I can also see where SOME of TheEMBER's posting makes sense. I have seen nothing but great responses to you Bita.. and about you on here... so I think there's a slight misunderstanding on here on how EMBER read your post. I look forward to your answers as well as SOME others on here... because at least you and others post your thoughts.. your opinions.... and do NOT insist them to fact... or the only way it HAS to be.... I'll be looking forward to reading more of this thread tomorrow to see some more great responses to the ones that are feeling comfortable in asking a question.. because people like you.. make them feel welcomed.... and not be affraid.. nor .. ashamed to ask a question.

BitaTruble -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 10:42:51 PM)
quote: what are "Munchies" ? how do u find them. Opps.. sorry, Bella.. I missed the second part of the question. The best way to find the munches which are local to your area is to get yourself onto an elist ::or several:: for groups, orgs and clubs which are local for you. If you subscribe to a newsletter, you'll automatically be sent updates of their events and activities and munches are usually included in those updates. If you need me to help walk you through the process, give me a buzz tomorrow.. I know how much you hate your computer. ::giggles:: Celeste

BitaTruble -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 10:45:46 PM)
quote: Bita... although I didn't take your post as being irritated by the questions... I can also see where SOME of TheEMBER's posting makes sense. Oh, I think a lot of it makes sense and I agree with much of it.. and after reading the few other posts which Ember made, I'm thinking he hits fast reply and wasn't speaking specifically to me, but just in general. And thank you for the compliments.. that's very sweet. Was a warm fuzzy and I appreciate it. :) Celeste

TheEmber -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/21/2006 10:46:38 PM)
My use of 'your irritation' was not meant as a personal question for you, MitaTruble, but more of a generalized sense of the word 'your'. It's my experience that for every post that either answers or degrades the questioner, there are 5 or more readers that post nothing, usually out of annoyance that this questions is being repeated for the umpeenth time. Sorry if you took it personally, as it was not my intention.

HisGirl8 -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/22/2006 7:54:57 AM)
Thank You, Celeste! I've been learning a lot these past few weeks/ days and I always appreciate honest answers and opinions. Thank you for answering about children, telling friends, and munches. I'd heard about munches but didn't really know what they were or what went on. Taking things slow is a good rule of thumb. We're just enjoying each other and I'm in a heavy learning phase. I thought I knew so much and then I found this place and felt like I was seeing the ocean for the first time after living by a puddle. I'm loving all the information... You said to Bella, "The best way to find the munches which are local to your area is to get yourself onto an elist ::or several:: for groups, orgs and clubs which are local for you." Sorry I don't know how to directly quote yet :) Well... how do you do that? What am I supposed to search for? I know this is probably a bad questions since I haven't even tried to search for myself but I can't even think of where to go? Google? Here? Help :) Thanx again! a

BitaTruble -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/22/2006 9:42:23 AM)
quote: Well... how do you do that? What am I supposed to search for? I know this is probably a bad questions since I haven't even tried to search for myself but I can't even think of where to go? Google? Here? Help :) For a google search, type in your state and the term BDSM locator. That should bring up options for you. I've included a url to use if your google seach turns up empty which has several states listed. Just let it load, then click on your state. Once you find some orgs/clubs, you can read through their materials to see if they do munches, then simply join their mailing list and the events/munches will be automatically mailed to you when they are updated although each website is different. Feel free to drop a line to the web creator for more information about any website you're viewing. http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html Celeste

DestinyCommander -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/22/2006 10:46:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bella1 what are "Munchies" ? how do u find them. Bella Munchies are a new brand of trail mix made by Frito-Lay. I happen to like the ones with Sun Chips, Doritos, and Cheetos.

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