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BitaTruble -> RE: ?'s for the brand spanking new (2/22/2006 9:14:09 PM)
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quote:
It's very confusing ... please someone, make some sense out of this.
Caitlyn,
Why am I like I am? I 'know' it's not normal. I hate it. I love it. I can't live with it. I can't live with myself. I can't live without it. It makes me feel so good.. and it makes me feel so bad. Peaks and valley's. From joy to crash in burn at the snap of a finger. Major ass mood swings without any hormonal imbalance. WTF?
Back and forth, back and forth.
That was me 24 years ago. And that was typical of my internal self talking when I first jumped into BDSM. Those conversations with inner 'me' took place for about 15 years. But each day I woke up and decided that for 'that day' I'd keep going. Just for that day I would continue to embrace 'me' as I 'thought' I should and needed to be. Then, one day I woke up and found acceptance. Not from any community, not from a Master or slave or family member or friend. But from myself. I figured out that regardless of how I was raised, what anyone thought of my choices or how society viewed my 'sickness', it didn't matter. Acceptance came when I finally figured out that I really didn't need it, not even from myself. It was OK to be confused, to be unsure. It was OK to let life take me where it would ... sort of like winning a vacation but no one tells you the final destination or how you're going to get there. The Amazing Race for the leather set. :) It was OK to be weird, because damn if everyone around me wasn't a bit weird too. :)
I didn't listen to anyone either.. mainly, I hadn't found the person I wanted to listen too yet. I mean, how could I when I wasn't listening or understanding myself yet and especially.. what if they said something I didn't want to hear? What if they told me to do something I didn't want to do? What if that meant I wasn't what I was? Scary stuff for me. It didn't help that almost everyone I met told me I wasn't a submissive, I wasn't a slave, I was too young ... but there were a few, a very few who saw it. Who saw what I was as I saw it. Those are the people I with whom I connected.. the ones who recognized what I was so desperate to have recognized. Unfortunately, those weren't the best people I could have chosen to associate with in BDSM, but that's another story because none of those relationships worked out and when I met Michael, I was free to belong to someone who recognized me as I was.. and who had the ability to take that person and the power which came with me and use it, mold it and train it to his satisfaction so that the person I was did not change, but got enhanced by his tweaking. Exactly what I needed and wanted but more than that.. exactly what was the very best thing for 'me.' Long haul, long road and each time I stumbled, it gave me another mark on the map to review and reflect upon.
Why you are interested in BDSM is something which may take you 5, 10 or 15 years to figure out.. the fact that you 'are' interested in it is clear indication to go another day .. and if you wake up tomorrow and decide you don't wanna go there anymore, that's OK, too. No contracts here. :) You don't have to sign anything in blood to continue to learn what's out there and to explore what's inside.
The reason's.. truly, it's nice to know them, but it's not necessary at this point in time. Being interested in BDSM because it's acceptable or unacceptable to someone else won't matter in the end and by the time it does matter, you're going to know anyway. And when you know.. it won't matter. So, you see.. either way.. it doesn't matter.
Ok, now I'm going to say something that you're going to hate. <-- that's your fair warning to stop reading if you don't wanna hear.. :)
You are young. Everyone over the age of 40 knows that you don't figure out the mystery's of the Universe until your 37th birthday. Unless you're a man.. then it's your 42nd birthday at which point you either grow up or you're Peter Pan forever, but that's another thread. :D Ok, that was somewhat tongue in cheek, but my point is, you don't have to 'know' everything right now, today. You can take as many steps in which ever direction you choose and you have the luxury of youth, not the burden of it. If you take some steps, find they don't work for you, it's easy to start off in a different direction. It's said that those into BDSM are not any less judgmental than any other chosen lifestyle.. but in the end, you are the judge of 'you' so fuck anyone who doesn't like it. They don't have to live in your body with your brains or your feelings. You do.
You've talked about having had a very negative experience. Count your blessings, Caitlyn, because many don't get such an incredible opportunity to grab onto a positive. Without the lows on occasion, it's hard to tell how great the highs are, so embrace it, reflect upon it, accept it happened, then let it go and move on. Easier said than done, I know and I'm not going to patronize and tell you that it's easy. It's not. Nothing about BDSM is easy.. and you know why? Because it's 'life'.. and life isn't easy, hon. Someone wise said that life's to short to be miserable.. and an even wiser person said.. life is to damn loooong to be miserable. You've said you don't want to go through that experience again, but you are having sexual fantasies about it. That one's hard to answer, because I don't know what you went through... but quite often the mind will try to protect itself rewriting history into a fantasy because then it's not real. It didn't really happen and the reality of the situation fuzz's with the fantasy until it becomes hard to tell them apart. It's reflexive. I'm not a psychologist, but if this truly bothers you, hon, it's not going to hurt to talk to a therapist about it. I'd give it a bit of time first though. Something traumatic requires a normal grieving process to get through.. and that's not done overnight or even within a few weeks. If it starts to interfere in your daily life, consider taking some steps towards a healing process.. because you might need some even if you don't recognize it as such. Again, it's hard to say without knowing what happened... but, no matter what 'did' happen, it's not a requirement that you go through it alone.
You've asked if you're interested in BDSM because of the excitement. That wouldn't be a bad thing. Sex, play, intimacy, danger, thrill.. all those things 'should' be exciting. Adds some spice to life and if that's the reason you are interested, that would not be a problem. It's sure in my top 10 list. :) Hell, if I wanted boring, I'd be a nun! Whether or not you've had crummy 'nilla relationship life may or may not contribute to wanting to explore BDSM, but I'd tend to doubt it. There are plenty of people who have crummy 'nilla and still shun BDSM. How ever you found BDSM is less important than the fact you did find it.. and now you want to explore. You are dead on accurate, Caitlyn.. you are the one who will determine in the end all the 'whys and wherefores' ... and you'll be the one to determine whether or not any of them are important to you or needed for you to enjoy your life it's the joy that you get out of living that matters.
It's not all going to make sense in a set time frame. I can't tell you not to worry because next Tuesday, the light bulbs are all going to come and you'll have an amazing clarity on everything. I wish I could.. I'd open my own psychic friends network and make a fortune! All I can say what comes from my heart and what my own experiences have been.. and I got through it and I was pretty much a mess for a long time.
You have incredible brains.. that's probably why you're having truble .. your thought process is very deep, but use that instead of working against it. Allow yourself to doubt, it's ok.. but trust yourself that you'll figure it all out when you need it, because you will.
quote:
P.S. I bet you wish you had never asked if anyone had any questions.
Don't make that bet, Caitlyn.. I don't wanna take your money. :) The question is.. are ya sorry you asked me? lol
Take care, hon...
Celeste
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