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Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 1:30:20 PM   
bdspirit


Posts: 30
Joined: 7/27/2009
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		Thought I would respectfully solicit the input of a few of the more experienced dominant women with respect to a situation I'm struggling with lately.  Little background may be necessary - apologize for the long post.  I'm a switch male that leans toward submissive in a very rewarding long term marriage to a women who by nature is vanilla and probably leans toward submissive but through love, work (read lots of talking and years of finding our way) has supported my kinkier needs by learning, not judging and ultimately engaging as what would probably be described as a service top.  We enjoy bondage and enforced chastity (me) and are exploring the power exchange that goes with it.  In working through our individual needs and desires, we've developed a balance where roughly 50% of the year we set aside the kink and roles and I work at being the kind of man (more aggressive, less planning - more spur of the moment) that she finds most attractive and 50% of the time she takes on the role of dominant, often placing me in enforced chastity with edging, T&D and more frequent kink and I get to experience more of a D's relationship.  While it hasn't always been ideal for either of us from a sexual standpoint, we decided not to give up on our commitments to one another and instead, worked our butts off and built a relationship that is we're both deeply proud of.

The insight I'm hoping for involves the unique challenges associated with a submissive male and a service top as it relates to enforced chastity and the emotional element that is involved.  I'm in a CB and we had a conversation today where I expressed my feeling that locking me up (in for the last 3 weeks or so) and simply forgetting me (no teasing, minimal stimulation, service, or connection) has left me feeling more cut-off, ignored and kind of pissed.  She asked if it wasn't her right to ignore me in her chosen role which is a damned good question and for which I didn't have a great answer.  I obviously enjoy enforced chastity as an integral part of a power exchange but the challenge I have is that as a service top, she isn't wired to think about the erotic element of this experience as I am (not to mention being reminded 24/7 but the CB).  At one level, I know this and she acknowledges that I feel much more intensely than she does. Part of it is simply the challenge of who she is (and is not) which I accept though am guilty of always hoping that the true dominant will emerge.  Part of it is (my view) is also simply a lack of effort or focus on her part and that's what conversation is all about. 

That said, I'd love the feedback from those who either have seen/experienced this or have some insight into the unique dynamics of a service top as she deals with a D's relationship, it would be great. 

Bound...
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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 1:33:23 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Not to make fun of your plight, but if she's a service top, you already have what 90% of the males on this site are looking for.

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 1:43:33 PM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bdspirit
She asked if it wasn't her right to ignore me in her chosen role which is a damned good question and for which I didn't have a great answer.


Quite, if you genuinely want to be submissive then this is surely the key, its completely up to her.

quote:

Part of it is (my view) is also simply a lack of effort or focus on her part and that's what conversation is all about.


You are asking a woman to fundementally be what she isnt, she valiantly tries. You claim to lean toward submissive but I do not agree, if this is true then you are being unappreciative of what your wife is doing for you. I mean you actually admit to being a switch so being dominant is something that appeals to you, you say this woman leans towards submissive therefore dominance is not something that appeals to her, she is simply doing what she can to make you happy (a trait commonly found in submission but also in love)

I think you should go and kiss her feet and thank her for being fucking wonderful that is what I think. Many many people wouldn't do anything that you have just described.


< Message edited by LillyoftheVally -- 8/3/2009 1:51:44 PM >

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 1:48:08 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		She's service topping you. Meaning she's just not as into it, as you are. She's doing it to please you. But now you complain she's not doing it right?

Its just not her thing. Get over it, or get over her.

Clearly you are a mismatch, at least in this one area that seems very important to you. Next time, choose someone who is a better fit with you.

That's all I've got. I'm out.

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 2:02:44 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

I think you should go and kiss her feet and thank her for being fucking wonderful that is what I think. Many many people wouldn't do anything that you have just described.



I think I like you more and more all of the time.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 2:31:50 PM   
bdspirit


Posts: 30
Joined: 7/27/2009
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		Appreciate and accept the input and insight.  If this came off as complaining then I didn't express myself particularly well.  Our relationship and my communication with her involves far more than an occasional "unmet need" and is generally expressed in thought, voice and deed as deep love, appreciation and admiration on both sides of a 15 year relationship.  I understand my good fortune and insure that she feels and experiences that daily.  This was simply a search for insight.  Dreamer - it may well be a mismatch but it was a mismatch made in heaven and there won't be a next time.  Bound

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 2:48:03 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Having had a vanilla ex- of 17 years, I'm rather in awe and sadly envious of your having a partner that even tries to meet your needs half of the time. 
If she's in charge, she's in charge.  Maybe altering your mindset to conisder her your Domme or Mistress (Or her preference of term) rather than a service top during the time that she is being more Dominant will help cue you not to buck her will. 
Best wishes,
  Davan

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 2:56:44 PM   
TakeuBeyond


Posts: 6
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		I think you want it as long as it's on your terms. It's past being what you feel is fun and is more uncomfortable than you would like. It isn't being done the way you think it should be or would like it to be. That doesn't mean she isn't *feeling it*.
What about what's pleasing her? Have you stopped to think that maybe she is enjoying your squirming very much in doing it in her own unique way? Let her have the reins and feel her power. Quit being such a do-me pussy.

< Message edited by TakeuBeyond -- 8/3/2009 2:57:41 PM >

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 3:01:27 PM   
TheLadyLolaNJ


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/24/2009
Status: offline 		This should be posted in one of those annoying "Why should I pay for a Pro Domme" threads.

My advice would be to say "You want her to Domme you and that's what she's doing."
It's not always a rollercoaster joyride for the submissive when it's in a 24/7 relationship, and if you put yourself in a position to be bent to someone else's will, then that's what you have, so why are you complaining. And, yes, you are complaining. You're saying "I'm not getting enough attention," which is her perogative to dole out to you. You could ask her for some attention, most Dom/mes allow for slaves to at least ask for somthing, but if she decides to not do as you've requested you either suck it up, or get it somewhere else.

< Message edited by TheLadyLolaNJ -- 8/3/2009 3:02:08 PM >

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 3:21:09 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Have you ever thought of what your wife might be going through? You say she is more submissive in loving, yet she is trying to top you because it is important to her because this is what you desire. Dominance doesn't come naturaly to her. So after being your bottom when you switch things up, where she is more comfortable and can be loving at that time... she now must top and this is my question to you. Could she be afriad to have those loving moments you desire, because in those loving moments she finds it difficult to be top and may move into submission?

I don't know how many people move from domiant to submissive within a relationship between two, but I don't hear as much of this as I do they switch with different partners. I believe you really have to have something special to mix the two up with the same partner. She may be struggling with something those who are used to these things and really enjoy them, might even struggle with.

It does matter to you because you are getting pissed. It may be time for a time out and a talk, but I would advise against doing it when frustrated, locked up or harboring your feelings. This isn't all about you. You as top call things the way you see them and feel comfortable with. She as top has to still please you or be called on things she may not even understand.

Hell... I might even lock you up for a long while to teach you a lesson or two about topping and not expressing your emotions without that sexual and emotional pent up complaint. It is time to learn to talk submissively with your wife.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 8/3/2009 3:24:13 PM >

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 3:29:23 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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For submissive men and vanilla women, chastity is the most illusive and misleading kind of kink to engage in.  For non-kinky women, it's an excuse to ignore the sub (after all, it's denial!) and put in relatively little work, if at all (that's the perception).  For the male sub, it's the intense surrender of his cock and balls, a 24/7 erection practically, followed by intense emotional ups and downs that come with lack of release. I've witnessed many meltdowns of various levels.

In a nutshell? The problem with this kind of scenario in your case:

"Chastity" to her means she thinks about you and your cock 0 time (yay, freedom!)
"Chastity" to you means you can't stop thinking about your cock and your denial, and you are more obsessed than ever

As a result, the compromise on both sides would have to be pretty big to meet half way.  A lot of men need a LOT of attention (teasing and denial is MORE about the TEASING than the denial for subs).  You need to embark on a very clear understanding of what level,  what type and what intensity of "attention" you require.  Chastity turns out to be a LOT of work for dominant women, and the vanilla women get bummed out when they realize that locking up a guy's cock just makes him want to submit more and need more attention, then they can get emotionally needy, depressed and affected by lack of sleep and inability of focus.

I've also observed some men actually go through a period similar to grief or mourning when they no longer can control their own cock.  

If she isn't up for this kind of play, you need to find a different outlet.  If she isn't *enjoying* it, then it's also a no-win situation.  However, if she ENJOYS the idea that you want more attention and get none, well then, she's more of a sadist than you thought, isn't she?

Akasha


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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 3:37:06 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I wonder whose idea the enforced chastity was. If it was yours, then you are sending mixed signals. What you are saying is lock me in chastity, until I tell you to release me. That is probably confusing her to say the least. You are really asking the wrong people for answers, none of us know you both as individuals, so you really need to chat with her about this. Either find out what she wants, or if she is just doing it to please you, as has been mentioned, make it clear what you hope for. Good luck.

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 6:04:26 PM   
MsFlutter


Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Not to make fun of your plight, but if she's a service top, you already have what 90% of the males on this site are looking for.


BWAHAHAHAHA - you owe me a Pepsi to replace the one I just cleaned off my shirt!!!

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 6:12:11 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Sorry I don't buy into enforced chastity, the only emotional involvement I see in it is self centered narcissism--I do not cotton to a man who cannot keep his hands off his dick and who begs, pleads directs a Domina to place him in chasitity so he can focus on her needs and be a better submissive--grow up--that's the biggest pile of horseshit I've heard--the only thing it does is put focus exactly where he wants it, on his oh oh oh bulging dick, oh oh oh Mistress, I am suffering for you...
 
puhleez.

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 6:13:42 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsFlutter

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Not to make fun of your plight, but if she's a service top, you already have what 90% of the males on this site are looking for.


BWAHAHAHAHA - you owe me a Pepsi to replace the one I just cleaned off my shirt!!!

That's a pretty fair deal in My eyes.  Glad you enjoyed the laugh.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/3/2009 6:56:17 PM   
bdspirit


Posts: 30
Joined: 7/27/2009
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		Aakasha, thoughtful and insightful answer.  Deeply appreciated.  

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/4/2009 10:05:54 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		I would not be defensive here, as you don't come across as "complaining."

I agree with Aakasha, aka for your wife chastity is one thing and for you its another.

Given this, I really commend you for trying to make it work and stay together. You've covered ground many others cannot even touch -- that is staying married but being open and experimental in the bedroom.

>I'm in a CB and we had a conversation today where I expressed my feeling that locking me up (in for the last 3 weeks or so) and simply forgetting me (no teasing, minimal stimulation, service, or connection) has left me feeling more cut-off, ignored and kind of pissed. She asked if it wasn't her right to ignore me in her chosen role which is a damned good question and for which I didn't have a great answer.<

The answer is, loving partners should not ignore one another. BDSM should make you feel existent, not non existent.

Imagine a femsub who "wants bondage." The maledom ties her up, leaves the house and plays golf. She feels neglected. He says, "well, do you want me to be Dom or not?"

Pretty much everyone here sees the problem....

BDSM should emphasize the connectedness of its partners, and it should not be a tool of either neglect or abuse. Common sense needs to tell us where the lines are, and its up to you to help make your wife understand them better. Speaking up here is not topping from the bottom or being unsubmissive -- its an action to improve your relationship.

Chastity is:

(1) One part you being chaste.

(2) A second part your wife treating you a certain way. Being a top or Dom does not excuse her from this responsibility.

If she does not want to engage in (2), then there's little point for you to engage in (1). Without some sort of mutuality, its dead project that makes you feel stupid.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 8/4/2009 10:08:26 AM >

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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/4/2009 10:19:04 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bdspirit

Aakasha, thoughtful and insightful answer.  Deeply appreciated.  


One additional thought occurred to me.  Women who are new to dominance/topping sometimes underestimate (or do not realize) that even "ignoring" or "denying' requires an action, a presence, a mindset or a demeanor.  They don't realize that actually across the board in many forms of "domination" it is not what you say, it is how you say it.  Calling your man to have him pick up a gallon of milk on the way home, for example, can be just a command:

"Please pick up some milk on the way home."  <-- she feels in control, she knows it is handled, she is in charge. Feels good! 

"My slave. I want you to get milk on the way home, and I'm timing you.  As you hustle your nasty ass through those aisles, keep in mind that I am waiting, and I am thinking of delicious ways to torture you..by the way, I hope your cock isn't too HARD in that chastity device right now...Guess what color panties I am wearing?" <----- Exaggerated, but the point is, THIS is the same request, but with flavor.

A more subtle thing is simple phrasing a request as a demand, using more severe body language, or applying teasing to things.  For a woman who is being told "I am your slave so it is all about you, whatever you want," then freedom FROM these rituals and expectations are probably at the top of the list -- hence, the irony!  Are you a sub, or are you a bottom? Do you want to submit, but only when it makes you hard? 

One thing submissive men do not realize is that this kind of femdom "mode" - the demeanor, the tone, the choice of words, etc., while it may "make or break" it for the sub and his headspace, it's NOT EASY.  Even for a "naturally born femdom," it's something I can do quite readily when I am "in the mode" but if I am not, it requires emotional energy and is draining.  This is why so many vanilla women just don't bother. Because as a femdom, you at least get back a sizzle, some energy, the intensity, the feedback, and it re-envigorates you.  For a woman that doesn't enjoy that, it's merely *draining*.  Subs may think that things as subtle as phrasing a request as a demand or teasing a little or using colorful phrases is like switching a light switch on or off. It's so seamless and flawless in his fantasies and the woman in his dreams just seems to ENJOY that control!    Sadly, in real life, it takes a mindset that requires some energy and when it's not flowing, and it feels forced, it's an energy-suck.   At least, that's my observation.

Akasha




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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/4/2009 10:39:47 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
"Please pick up some milk on the way home." 


- Would suit me fine, though minus the 'please', preferably.  Yum, etc.

quote:

"My slave. I want you to get milk on the way home, and I'm timing you.  As you hustle your nasty ass through those aisles, keep in mind that I am waiting, and I am thinking of delicious ways to torture you..by the way, I hope your cock isn't too HARD in that chastity device right now...Guess what color panties I am wearing?"


- Would make me cringe.  Ouch.

Just saying.





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RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect - 8/4/2009 11:01:24 AM   
DePubed


Posts: 71
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline 		I am sorry that instead of reflecting on your original question "Chastity-the thin line between dominance and neglect" so many here have been critical of you personally, and made judgements about you, your wife, your relationships, etc. The original question still stands: for enforced chastity how to recognize the thin line between dominance and neglect. Maybe some people here can answer that question in the general way that it has been asked without focusing on any specific person or situation.
Does anyone have any positive helpful suggestions if, for example, a Dominant IS being dominant but the submissive 'feels' erroneously that it is neglect?
Or what if, the Dominant IS actually being neglectful, not as a way of being deliberately dominant but simply unaware and, well, neglectful; how can a submissive handle these feelings.
Some helpful suggestions are what this fellow is asking from us to whom he has turned to for advice.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
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