How to start? (Full Version)

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obsessiv -> How to start? (8/5/2009 3:29:33 PM)

My wife of 2 years has been repeatedly asking me to be more dominant and rougher with her. She is now 28 and I am 38. We met 5 years ago. She is submissive in most ways and is always aiming to please me. I find the idea very exciting but I am not really sure how to get started. I think the sky may be the limit with this for us. So far I only once gave her some smacks, to the ass, tits and lightly on the cheeks. She liked it very much and I found it quite thrilling. She has asked me to tie her up etc. She is a definate beauty and attracts attention wherever she goes. Can someone experienced here give me some tips for how I should proceed? Thx



dreamerdreaming -> RE: How to start? (8/5/2009 3:38:41 PM)

Talk to her.

We can tell you all the things we like, and the ways we like them done. Everyone in the world could give you super advice and tell you what we need, to be fulfilled.

But both of your needs and desires are what you need to be addressing. 

My best advice (besides the bolded, above) is to take it slow, have fun, and be yourself!



obsessiv -> RE: How to start? (8/5/2009 3:48:07 PM)

Thx for the reply.
I guess hearing what other experienced dominants would do to her if they were me is what Im looking for :)



DesFIP -> RE: How to start? (8/5/2009 3:52:10 PM)

Books for safety info and other info needed by beginners

Erotic Bondage
The Loving Dominant
Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns
S & M 101
The Topping Book
The Bottoming Book



SirMIkeSD -> RE: How to start? (8/5/2009 3:57:07 PM)

Get out there and join some local groups so you can find out what you need to know. The books are a great start but not a replacement for real life. You can meet people to talk with about what you want to do, see demos that cover safety involved with the play, etc.

Mike



DesFIP -> RE: How to start? (8/5/2009 4:13:17 PM)

Google BDSM checklists and start with stuff that appeals to both of you.

Beyond that, you already know she loves being spanked. So why haven't you done it again, and harder? Go from there and look through the house for implements to spank her with. He has a fondness for wooden spoons/spatulas. Belts are popular too.



DarkSteven -> RE: How to start? (8/5/2009 5:07:55 PM)

You're got a beautiful women spread out for you like a buffet.  Yours to take, however you want.

Reach into your dark places, man, and do with her what you want!  Pull her hard and force her head to your cock and make her suck you.  Spank the bejeebers out of her.  Lube her up and....

If you're still timid, go over an online kink catalog with her.  But I suspect she really wants you to just tell her what you want and take it.



leadership527 -> RE: How to start? (8/5/2009 7:01:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: obsessiv
I guess hearing what other experienced dominants would do to her if they were me is what Im looking for :)

Heh, OK.... I'm not sure if I qualify as an "experienced dominant", but what I'd do is talk to her.

OK, now humor aside, here's specifically what I'd ask...

When you say you want me to be more "dominant" with you, what do you mean exactly? How would you know if I was being more dominant? Are we talking bedroom or lifestyle here? If we're talking bedroom... see below. If we are talking lifestyle, then let's discuss how much of authority you'd like me to wield and in what areas.

When you say you want me to be "rougher" with you, what do you mean? I'm assuming we mean sexually here, so let's here a few fantasies so I can get the drift where your head is at. Yes yes, I know that if you tell me your fantasies and I do them, then it doesn't seem like I'm in control. Don't worry. I'm just tryin got the lay of the land. Once I understand what you're asking, THEN we'll see if I want to "take over and be rougher" or not.

Just so you know, my situation was similar to yours. My wife of 2 years came to me and asked if I'd collar her. I had to go through a similar set of questions... "When you say 'collar', what exactly are you thinking about?" type stuff. After I figured out what she meant exaclty, we negotiated.

Carol: I want to be your bedroom sub.
Jeff: How about 24/7 TPE instead?
Carol: Sure, let's give it a try

And then we lived happily ever after.



NihilusZero -> RE: How to start? (8/5/2009 9:15:28 PM)

Jeff will be a good person to speak with about this sort of thing in detail.

My main suggestions: Aside from being keenly studious as to the safety measures of anything you may do that could cause unplanned bodily harm...forget about the munches, forget about "talking to her"* forget about whatever modus operandi anyone else has done.

Start researching various kinks and dynamics yourself. Find the ones that thrill you and excite you. Plan out ways to introduce them into interactions with her. I'd actually suggest not to talk specifically about them ahead of time. What I mean is...you two have been married for a couple of years. She obviously trusts you and is comfortable with you. Tell her just:"Hon, I'm going to try to occasionally introduce certain kinks/dynamics into our play-time. As we're going through the experience, just tell me if anything is a bit too awkward and we'll just move onto another and see what works well." If she finds your dominance enticing, letting her know what's around the corner won't be nearly as exciting for either of you and this way lets you focus on things you would actually want to begin with. you should already feel more comfortable than most about gauging if something is a bit amiss when you both are playing around...so don't feel afraid to take the reins.



JustStephen -> RE: How to start? (8/5/2009 11:16:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: obsessiv

My wife of 2 years has been repeatedly asking me to be more dominant and rougher with her. She is now 28 and I am 38. We met 5 years ago. She is submissive in most ways and is always aiming to please me. I find the idea very exciting but I am not really sure how to get started. I think the sky may be the limit with this for us. So far I only once gave her some smacks, to the ass, tits and lightly on the cheeks. She liked it very much and I found it quite thrilling. She has asked me to tie her up etc. She is a definate beauty and attracts attention wherever she goes. Can someone experienced here give me some tips for how I should proceed? Thx


Hi obsessive. Some really good advice here and without repeating any of it I would like to add a reminder. You have a relationship, its working and you have the opportunity to make it more exciting.

Play lots, experiment, research together online and in your local community. It will take you both a lifetime to discover what you like and don't like, open your minds to the possibilities and each other, watch others and listen. Then, forget everything you have been told and discover it for yourself!

Don't get distracted, play together and stay together.

Steve



obsessiv -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 9:45:52 AM)

Thx for the great replies,
So to give you some more background, she is definitely the type that wants me to take the initiative. Telling me to “be rougher “ and “ tie me up” is basically all im gonna get from her unfortunately. It seems like she wants to have things done to her but she is uncomfortable being the one to suggest it. I think she would really enjoy being “forced” to have rough anal, light physical hitting, bondage, and she would like to have other guys involved. I like these same things but I am fairly gentle by nature hence the slow progress.
I like the idea of her becoming more submissive in all ways, not just sexually. Im not sure how she would respond though, maybe that could be something that evolves.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 11:17:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: obsessiv

Thx for the reply.
I guess hearing what other experienced dominants would do to her if they were me is what Im looking for :)


The thing is, obsessiv, how do we know??? We don't know her, we don't know what she likes, we don't know what kind of a person she is or what motivates her, and we don't know any of those things about -you-, either.

I'd suggest some reading like "The Loving Dominant" and "Different Loving", lots of conversation, and reading the forums here and on other sites, and getting out into your local community to see what options are available and what sub-groups you might enjoy exploring further.

Dame Calla



leadership527 -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 11:41:54 AM)

Ahhhh...

With that clarification this becomes much simpler... at least in my mind.

The bedroom d/s thing is, in my mind, more about fairly straight forward things like "How do I use a whip/paddle/candle/whatever" safely. I think the advice you've already gotten on this thread is great... Start with a BDSM checklist and read some of the books listed above. Treat them as a menu and start ordering from it. Some of the things you'll like. Some you won't. Others will be in the "maybe, we need to try that again" spot. But honestly, for two people in a solid relationship, what's the harm in trying something out?

You being "gentle by nature" and therefor going slowly is, in my mind, a good thing. There are those who disagree and their argument is "you might as well start the way you mean to proceed." That's an old cliche and it has a lot of merit to it. It's also kind of an all or nothing gamble that I personally avoided like the plague in my marriage. So for me, at least, when I experimented with something, I didn't start at level 10, I started at level 1. You'll have to pick whichever is right for you.

The going outside the bedroom thing is, to the best of my VERY limited experience in that area, a dicey thing. From what I can tell, there is a VAST difference between bedroom D/s (which I generally call top/bottom) and outside the bedroom. No matter what kind of sexual kinks your wife wants in the bedroom, she may have absolutely zero interest in obeying you on something that is "real life" (as opposed to a bedroom scene).

But again, my thought is that for two people who are cooperating as a team and exploring together, why not explore? So long as that exploration is done hand in hand and with some caution, it's hard to see what could go wrong. Carol's original proposition to me was "bedroom sub". I countered with 24/7. We agreed to give it a go and see how it worked out. For us, at least, it turns out that it went smoothly and easily. Had it not fit us so well, we would've just sat down and figured out something else... no harm, no foul. It remains that way to this day. The moment Carol decides she doesn't want to be my slave anymore, then we'll just figure something else out. I strongly suspect that one significant reason it's gone so easily for us is that we did NOT paint ourselves into a corner and so neither of us feels trapped in the roles. We're just playing it by ear and laughing an awful lot. We're having a ton of fun "playing Master/slave"... just like we've had a ton of fun "playing house" for the last decade and a half.



aldompdx -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 2:13:44 PM)

The most erogenous zone is the mind and heart. That is where the dynamic of control and surrender is exercised. Every person has both controlling and surrendering aspects within themself. One does not "start" as much as they search deeper within themself to make their subconscious nature become conscious. As Plato quoted Socrates, "First know thyself."

It is not about "doing to her." It is all about being yourself, and intimately sharing the real you. Gain awareness of who you already are as the controller, and it will naturally flow.



DarkSteven -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 5:23:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: obsessiv

So to give you some more background, she is definitely the type that wants me to take the initiative. Telling me to “be rougher “ and “ tie me up” is basically all im gonna get from her unfortunately. It seems like she wants to have things done to her but she is uncomfortable being the one to suggest it. I think she would really enjoy being “forced” to have rough anal, light physical hitting, bondage, and she would like to have other guys involved. I like these same things but I am fairly gentle by nature hence the slow progress.
I like the idea of her becoming more submissive in all ways, not just sexually. Im not sure how she would respond though, maybe that could be something that evolves.



You're. Not. Getting. It.

You keep worrying about what she likes.  Here's a bombshell for you... Do something she does NOT like but you do.  Tell her what a good girl she is afterward.  Then do it again.

She really wants to please you, but you're not letting her give herself up to you.

Take her.  Make her yours.  And make damn sure she KNOWS that she is yours.



DesFIP -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 6:29:03 PM)

You know, there's a hell of a difference between one light spanking and you bringing four guys home for a gang bang. I'm getting the feeling she;s never said that, instead it's your idea. You need to be absolutely sure she wouldn't scream her head off and institute rape charges against all your buddies. Plus how do you propose to make sure they all are clean and gloved. Four of them could do anything they wanted while holding you off.

Ask her point blank that these are your fantasies and is she willing to do them? Unless you don't care about ending the relationship,

She needs a safeword and you need to stop if she uses it.



pleasuredancer -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 6:41:09 PM)

I have to agree with DarkSteven. Most of us want to please, not be pleased. We want to see your animal, your passion. We want you to use us as you wish you could use all those pretty young things that walk by your desk during the day, wearing a short skirt and a smile. We don't want to say it, but we want to be fucked like a bitch in heat, our needs ignored. We want to get all prettied up for you, and then have everything messed up in a matter of minutes.

When you are on the couch, reach over, grab her hair and push her under your waiting mouth. Ask her if she is going to be a good bitch for you, then push her toward your cock. It doesn't have to be rough, in fact, you need to be in control of it. It shouldn't hurt her, yet, it should feel like she can't get away, though. Firm, controlled. When you do that, the most likely response, and the best case scenario, is that she will become all weak and helpless and putty in your hands. Her voice will go wispy and she will retreat into some little girl-like state. If all goes right.

She probably wants control from you, and when she gets that, she will probably be more submissive. Take away the key to her pussy from her-- when women are in control of when men get sex, they are in control of a huge part of the relationship. When men, who are dominant, with women who are submissive, take control, the keys to the cunt change hands. Generally, submissive women will be wet and wanting for men who can take that sexual control. it is a good thing.



leadership527 -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 7:02:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Ask her point blank that these are your fantasies and is she willing to do them? Unless you don't care about ending the relationship,

Yeah, I have to agree with you here Des. It'd be different perhaps if we weren't talking about an established couple making a transition. But given that there is plenty to lose at this point, I'd think a more careful approach would be in order. Or, at least, I sure as hell wasn't willing to bet my marraige on nothing more than intuition and luck.



DesFIP -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 7:18:14 PM)

Hey Jeff. What's happening?

I don't think the op is a top. I mean he's done a couple of things she really loved and has never since repeated them.

And where he gets the idea the first time he does anal should be very rough must be from porn. Since it's most likely going to end in best case scenario her hard limiting it, and worst case in the ER.

Really scary here is that he's proposing stuff with no knowledge of where her lines are, or how to do things safely or with consent. He needs to learn a lot, before he jumps in to the deep end of the pool.



lovingpet -> RE: How to start? (8/6/2009 7:39:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: pleasuredancer

I have to agree with DarkSteven. Most of us want to please, not be pleased. We want to see your animal, your passion. We want you to use us as you wish you could use all those pretty young things that walk by your desk during the day, wearing a short skirt and a smile. We don't want to say it, but we want to be fucked like a bitch in heat, our needs ignored. We want to get all prettied up for you, and then have everything messed up in a matter of minutes.

When you are on the couch, reach over, grab her hair and push her under your waiting mouth. Ask her if she is going to be a good bitch for you, then push her toward your cock. It doesn't have to be rough, in fact, you need to be in control of it. It shouldn't hurt her, yet, it should feel like she can't get away, though. Firm, controlled. When you do that, the most likely response, and the best case scenario, is that she will become all weak and helpless and putty in your hands. Her voice will go wispy and she will retreat into some little girl-like state. If all goes right.

She probably wants control from you, and when she gets that, she will probably be more submissive. Take away the key to her pussy from her-- when women are in control of when men get sex, they are in control of a huge part of the relationship. When men, who are dominant, with women who are submissive, take control, the keys to the cunt change hands. Generally, submissive women will be wet and wanting for men who can take that sexual control. it is a good thing.


OH dear!!!!!! Did it just get hot in here?

As far as the OP, I will assume you know your wife very well. You know when things are going well with her and when they are not, for the most part anyway. Proceed slowly, but confidently. You can always back up and regroup. She needs the control, but you need to be sure that you are not going into unsafe waters. Since you are both new, a safeword for her may not be a bad idea, but don't forget to be keeping your watch over her regardless of if she uses it. Give her just enough of a hint as to what you may be planning to ascertain a response. Always process experiences after they are done. Grow together. Learn together. Never be above an apology when needed.

Find out if she wants that control in her everyday life or just in the bedroom. Start in the bedroom and, even if she has expressed otherwise, move out gently if you decide you desire and take one piece at a time. She may be surprised at how much she comes to appreciate it. Get what input you can and take what you need. Keep her well being in mind always, and for goodness sakes, HAVE FUN!!!!!!

lovingpet



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