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Trust 2 - the other side - 2/21/2006 11:16:16 PM

cravinspankin

Posts: 127
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

We hear a lot about the trust subs/slaves have, or must have, for the Master or Dom.
For goodness sake.. we have to trust them with our bodies and our emotions whenever we play...but we also have to trust them in many other ways in terms of the relationship.
What about the other way around.
Do the Masters/Mistresses/Dominants need as much trust in their sub or slave, and in what ways?
I'll weigh in on this in a bit.
*smiles*

Post #: 1

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/21/2006 11:48:11 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

We hear a lot about the trust subs/slaves have, or must have, for the Master or Dom.
For goodness sake.. we have to trust them with our bodies and our emotions whenever we play...but we also have to trust them in many other ways in terms of the relationship.
What about the other way around.
Do the Masters/Mistresses/Dominants need as much trust in their sub or slave, and in what ways?
I'll weigh in on this in a bit.
*smiles*

Before Himself met me, he was seeing a submissive who was hiding a cocaine problem. He's never used drugs, never been around them and didn't see the signs of drug abuse. It wasn't until she called him in the middle of the night to pick her up from a really scary place that he caught on and put her into rehab. After a month there, where she thrived, he told her that he just couldn't trust her and would not be her dominant anymore. It was a hard break-up for her, but he knew that a broken trust is very difficult to fix. He still helped her, paid her rehab, supported her and encouraged her.. as a friend, but never again as her dominant. Once she got clean, she understood that the constant lies she told and the consequences of those lies had damaged the relationship beyond repair.. and in the end, she thanked him for all he had done for her, but was able to move on with her life, get and keep a job and has been clean for a good long while though it's my understanding she's given up BDSM and is living, happily, in a vanilla relationship. Trust goes both ways. Himself needs to trust in me not to out him, get him fired, or do things which are detrimental to 'his' life/health just as much as I need to trust him the same way.. and he does and I do. :)

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to cravinspankin)

Post #: 2

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 12:06:41 AM

la90066

Posts: 177
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Of course we Toppy types have to trust our subs/slaves as well?

How many on these boards frequently post about a love lost, a sub/slave just bolting for the hills, those who play games with others' hearts, those who lie about who they are and what they want -- the list goes on and on.

Us Dom/mes also give our hearts and ourselves to our subs/slaves, and with that, we must give OUR trust that s/he is being honest, true, sincere, genuine and so forth.

One very close to me has often said, "It seems so unfair... I [bottom] get all the attention and it seems you [Top] are doing all the work and taking care to make me into the perfect slave... I don't see what you get out of this?!!"

So you see, we Tops invest quite a bit of time into you bottoms, and when one is careless with our time, love and trust, we have just as much to lose. And trust me... There are just as many fake subs/slaves as there are fake Dom/mes who violate that trust.

Hope that helps shed some light on things.

< Message edited by la90066 -- 2/22/2006 12:08:40 AM >

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 3

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 12:11:45 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

By the time a trik has earned my personal collar, I will trust her with my life. It is as simple as that. I will take a bullet to protect what is mine, I'd hope that she would do the same for me.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to la90066)

Post #: 4

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 12:48:40 AM

Eclecta

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/11/2005
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

I think the trust factor goes both ways. If we expect them to trust us, then we should trust them as well. For one thing, we have to trust a sub to look out for themself by using a safeword if they need to, etc.

_____________________________

Love is the law, love under will.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 5

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 6:20:55 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cravinspankin

We hear a lot about the trust subs/slaves have, or must have, for the Master or Dom.
For goodness sake.. we have to trust them with our bodies and our emotions whenever we play...but we also have to trust them in many other ways in terms of the relationship.
What about the other way around.
Do the Masters/Mistresses/Dominants need as much trust in their sub or slave, and in what ways?
I'll weigh in on this in a bit.
*smiles*

It's a relationship universal- everyone has to trust that everyone will hold to their expectations and commitments, and, in general, everyone has to hold to those expectations and commitments.

Doesn't really matter what type of relationship or what names and positions they have within them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to cravinspankin)

Post #: 6

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 6:42:03 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cravinspankin

We hear a lot about the trust subs/slaves have, or must have, for the Master or Dom.
For goodness sake.. we have to trust them with our bodies and our emotions whenever we play...but we also have to trust them in many other ways in terms of the relationship.
What about the other way around.
Do the Masters/Mistresses/Dominants need as much trust in their sub or slave, and in what ways?
I'll weigh in on this in a bit.
*smiles*

A great question and one I ponder alot before I ever take on a submissive, whether its to mentor, play or LTR---

I trust them with who I am, that they will keep the secret safe and not trumpet it to the heavens.

I trust them with what I am---a mix of so many sides, so many differing personalities

I trust that they are not someone looking for some grandstand play--screaming abuse.

Most I trust with My affection, that is will be valued.

I trust them with My friendship, that it will be cherished.

But it is only one that I have trusted with My heart, My head, My soul and as our relationship deepens I trust him with My life.

I have rejected submissives because I did not feel I could trust them with some of those basic values.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to cravinspankin)

Post #: 7

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 6:47:13 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

The biggest thing I need to be able to trust in is their honesty, everything else comes second to that.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 8

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 7:03:55 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

Trust can mean anything from expected social mores to very serious issues. If it came down to trust or love, I think I would take trust. Hopefully, you have both in a relationship, but they both don’t always exist together.

< Message edited by ExistentialSteel -- 2/22/2006 7:04:21 AM >

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to cravinspankin)

Post #: 9

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 7:36:34 AM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

Without a doubt. I would have to completely trust my Sub before I could ever polay her. The sex and the play is so intense to me that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it unless I felt I could completely trust her AND she has to be able to trust me. Without that there just wouldn't be any kind of connection to start from.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to cravinspankin)

Post #: 10

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 7:38:23 AM

artglfr

Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline

Trust is most important...a sub a long time ago ask me to stripe her rear real good. I did a nic job and afterwards she asked me to drive her to the Dr. for a checkup. A Dr. I knew personally and whose house I visited alot.

Midway through the exam nurses started coming out and staring hatefully at me. When the exam was over my Dr. friend did the same.

I went and talked to Her,the Dr. and explained the patient was my sub and it was NOT abuse and finally called her in to explain how the stripes got there and how she had begged me to put them and that it was Consensual.

I wasn't invited to the Dr.'s Christmas party anymore.

I am now very selective about who I allow to my house and meet multiple times in public.

(in reply to ExistentialSteel)

Post #: 11

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 7:55:30 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cravinspankin

We hear a lot about the trust subs/slaves have, or must have, for the Master or Dom.
For goodness sake.. we have to trust them with our bodies and our emotions whenever we play...but we also have to trust them in many other ways in terms of the relationship.
What about the other way around.
Do the Masters/Mistresses/Dominants need as much trust in their sub or slave, and in what ways?
I'll weigh in on this in a bit.
*smiles*

I have to be able to trust a person with my home and my family -- will they respect other members, will they steal or protect what I have.

I have to be able to trust a person with my own body and emotions -- Ds is powerful on both sides and both people will and do affect each other. A person can hurt another regardless of scene role, abuse and disrespect can happen from either side. Since I own slaves who tend to be the same size or larger/stronger than me, I also have to trust that they want this authority dynamic and aren't just waiting to "turn the tables".

I have to be able to trust this person is mature enough so they don't go telling everyone everything about what we do AND that if things should end they won't try to do a character assassination.

I have to be able to trust this person won't change their mind and call the authorities -- remember what we do isn't protected by law in fact some of the things we do may be against the law. If the bottom/sub/slave calls the cops, whose side do you think they will immediately take?

Unfortunately those who aren't worthy of such trust do not always reveal themselves. Users and abusers on both sides can be darned good pretending to be trustworthy, honest, and seriously committed.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 2/22/2006 7:57:56 AM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to cravinspankin)

Post #: 12

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 10:24:11 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It's a relationship universal- everyone has to trust that everyone will hold to their expectations and commitments, and, in general, everyone has to hold to those expectations and commitments.

Doesn't really matter what type of relationship or what names and positions they have within them.

I agree... completely.

I would add it rather self-glorfying to think that a either Dom or sub needs more trust than the other or that a Lifestyle relationship requires more trust than a Vanilla relationship. Fact is... these are all personal subject decisions and each of us will have our own standard to determine levels of trust in the relationship. I do believe however, that substained relatioships will have a more compatiable level of trust between the individuals in the relationship. I find it difficult to comprehend that one can have a satisfactory trust of one in the relationship, but the reverse is not the case and still the relationship would be substained.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 10:33:05 AM

DestinyCommander

Posts: 30
Joined: 2/17/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Eclecta

I think the trust factor goes both ways. If we expect them to trust us, then we should trust them as well. For one thing, we have to trust a sub to look out for themself by using a safeword if they need to, etc.

I agree with that wholeheartedly. Just the other day, my wife played 'bottom' for me, and things went a bit further than they should have. She should have stopped things a good five minutes earlier, but she refused to use her safeword (and she hid from me all of the signs of disliking of what we were doing) because she thought it would 'ruin the moment'.

We had a talk after that about how we BOTH need to communicate with each other in order for our trust of each other to remain intact.

(in reply to Eclecta)

Post #: 14

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 10:38:46 AM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

once bitten... twice shy.

Master's 2 former submissives have cheated on him.... among a few other things. When he first thought of pursing me.. he of course was shy about it because of the problems of past. And once our relationship started going forward.... I had to deal with his past demons. But he too had to deal with mine as well.

Entering into relationships and having to deal with others past mistakes... makes things hard at times.. but the joys of being able to prove ones self better than the one before....(smiles)

Now I know because of the cheating Master's former 2 subs did... he will always be leary... but this is something not only do I have to work at in showing I'm trustworthy... he will have to at sometime... knock down this wall of not trusting me... or our relationship will never last.

This to me.. is where growth... learning... sharing.. together.. comes in.

LOL Hell I didn't trust him at first either... I even thought he was an asshole. I couldn't understand why he would be interrested in me. Figured just another head gamer... a player of hearts. Boy was I wrong. It's taken me a long time to trust him. And I still question somethings. As he does as well. We don't jump to conclusions.... we talk things out. We now have been together long enough to know... even if talking on line.. if one or the other is holding back. When there's something that needs to be said... and the other isn't all that sure how the other will respond. But we usually drag it out... or let it simmer till a better time allows for it.

It's a slow process.... being able to trust... on both sides of the coins... but when you're with one.. you know you want to really be with... it's a "job" worth taking on... because the bonuses are wonderful... and the retirement... is fullfilling.

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 15

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 12:10:14 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

Absolutely trust is imperative, and making that judgement call, especially in the "getting to know you process", can be tough. I also agree with KoM's statement that there is just as much trust needed in in any relationship, personal or business, vanilla or alternative.
We share things like first names, interests, family matters, normal day to day activites, and more. These things are truly out in the open, once a real time relationship is established. It would be silly to think that I could have a boy serving Me (I don't do cyber) when he doesn't even know where I live. If he is to be a live-in there is even more interaction with family, etc.
Sometimes, information shared in confidence is made public. It has happened to Me, right here on these boards. My name and reputation has also been abused by a local boy who took advantage in his use of it.
Dominant or submissve, we all make ourselves vulnerable at some point, in order to deepen a knowledge of each other. I will usually take the risk, if I have a good feeling about someone. It doesn't always work out.
I find the idea of limited interaction, just slave, just "owned property" to be quite appealing at times like that. But that is another thread.
We have to trust to explore. We have to trust, if and when we do begin an actual relationship. And we have to trust that the submissive knows his/her limits, has been honest with the Dominant, and is open to communication.
And sometimes people get hurt. Not just during a relationship, but even in the "maybe this could work" phase. And not just physically, because some honesty was lacking on either side regarding play, but emotionally.
Dom/mes have feelings too.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 2/22/2006 12:55:28 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to cravinspankin)

Post #: 16

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 12:13:36 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

Dom/mes have feelings too.

well some of us only have a Feeling! not Feelings *w*

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 17

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 12:42:53 PM

Submotive

Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cravinspankin

We hear a lot about the trust subs/slaves have, or must have, for the Master or Dom.
For goodness sake.. we have to trust them with our bodies and our emotions whenever we play...but we also have to trust them in many other ways in terms of the relationship.
What about the other way around.
Do the Masters/Mistresses/Dominants need as much trust in their sub or slave, and in what ways?
I'll weigh in on this in a bit.
*smiles*

No, those darn Masters and Mistresses and Doms - hey arent' they all robots or something like that? i always thought they flogged on command ~~~ snicker~~~

quote:

Most I trust with My affection, that is will be valued.

I trust them with My friendship, that it will be cherished.

Deeply and profoundly valued and cherished Mistress.

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to cravinspankin)

Post #: 18

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 2/22/2006 5:14:52 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Submotive
No, those darn Masters and Mistresses and Doms - hey arent' they all robots or something like that? i always thought they flogged on command ~~~ snicker~~~

ROFLMAO......... got to keep them oiled... or they get rusty sometimes...

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to Submotive)

Post #: 19

RE: Trust 2 - the other side - 3/10/2006 6:14:38 PM

LadyJC

Posts: 111
Joined: 5/18/2005
Status: offline

For me trust and love go hand in hand. If I can't trust someone even if I love them I can't be with them. I can't handle being lied to, or deceived in anyway. I had a submissive a while ago, and it turned out he was a closet drunk. He refused to get help and he constantly lied to me. After a few months I finally left, mainly because I couldn't trust him anymore. I loved him when he was sober, but I couldn't trust him to not continuously do the things he did. Sorry just doesn't work on me that much now.
Also one has to prove themselves to me, it's not an easy task for them but if they have enough patience to stick around to do so, then right there it shows they just might be worth it and trust worthy.
Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me!
Lady JC

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 20

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