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RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/8/2009 11:16:59 PM

StayPutDarling

Posts: 21
Joined: 10/31/2004
Status: offline

I don't post often, but this thread caught my eye. When I lived in Seattle, I did a LOT of dating (5-6 dates a week). Can anyone say 'PlentyofFish'? (hehe) I moved there not knowing a single person, so it was my way of amusing myself and meeting new people.

Honestly, for the 8 months that I was there, I probably went out with over 200 people (no joke). Out of all of those, I had one (1) single bad experience (nevermind the dozen or so cheaters). And you know why it happened? I didn't listen to my instincts. The first and LAST time I'll ever do that. I gave out photos, my personal email address, and my only phone number (my cell) to each and every one of them. Never had an issue until that one. And even that, I can truly say that I appreciated that experience. Not only did it prove to me that I had what it takes to survive, but also that I know how to heal.

Call me an optimist, but I believe that 99% of people are truly good people. And your instincts will weed out 99% of that last 1% if you listen to it. But I also strongly believe that you have your ducks in line before meeting someone from the internet. If you need set rules for meeting that make YOU comfortable with the meet, then do it. If you need a call, a personal reference, a confirmation email from their work email, and an OK from their doctor to make YOU feel comfortable, make a check-list and keep track. No one else can put a 'reasonable' or 'unreasonable' label on your requirements that you feel keep you safe.

_____________________________

Smile when you're ready.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 21

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/8/2009 11:18:30 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

The Natural sex is because I want Honesty. If they are claiming to be a woman and I spend the next 2 months getting to know them and then they say "I have something I need to tell you..... I'm really a Man" I could care less about their Gender I am more upset they are lying about who they are.

That is what I care about the Natural Sex.

As for them being in a Transition stage. I do not have time for that kind of drama, Contact me when you can be free to TALK to me, I am not asking you to get naked and fuck the Broom in front of your Ex Partner or Current Husband but if they do not know you are talking to me and you have to hide that you are talking to me then I am NOT interested I refuse to be ANYONES dirty little secret ........ Except for maybe Angalina Jolies, I will be her dirty little secret.

The Point is that If I meet someone in a Bar I can usually ALREADY Tell all these things for myself. If I meet them on-line then I have to trust what they say. I expect this kind of Transparence from anyone who wants to be in MY life.

Steel

In short, I'll agree with the clarification about being a person's secret. I could nit pick, but no one wants to be the other woman. Or get shot.

As someone (presumably) born of a distinct gender, likely never experiencing the pain of questioning such a fundamental aspect of oneself in society, it's easy to overlook how challenging it can be. Would you expect them to spit out that they have a birth defect, awkward scar, or physical limitation (say... TMJ?)

How embarrassing must a secret be before total discretion is excusable?

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 22

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/8/2009 11:23:56 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

StayPut...

I wonder if your good experiences are partially influenced by geographic location.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to StayPutDarling)

Post #: 23

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/8/2009 11:59:39 PM

StayPutDarling

Posts: 21
Joined: 10/31/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeavansKeeper

StayPut...

I wonder if your good experiences are partially influenced by geographic location.

It's a good possibility. But really, Seattle is a city of imports. I've only met two people who were actually born in Seattle or the surrounding metro area. 60-70% were usually from Boston/NYC/Baltimore/DC and the rest from other big cities.

_____________________________

Smile when you're ready.

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 24

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 12:11:28 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

(1)When I was still "looking," I did require that the person be single and available for a relationship, in the event that one transpired. I did NOT want to be someone's dirty little secret & refused to be so. If they had to hide me from everyone, well, forget it. Equally forget it if they repeatedly disappeared offline instantly or had to hang up the phone immediately, without a very good reason. Once or twice, okay, but repeatedly having to do either was a big red flag.

(2)I wanted to write to someone first for a matter of a week or two anyway, and then give him my phone#, as usually someone just looking for wank fodder could be separated out & discarded in that amount of time. Before that I could see no reason to give my phone# to someone who would turnout to be a HNG and abusing it anyway.

(3)He needed to be willing to talk/write about something besides blatant sex. Sex would not even be discussed early on. If no relationship transpired anyway, why would he need to know about that sort of thing?

(4)We would need to have a face-to-face meeting within a reasonable amount of time, say a couple weeks. I would not have an exclusively on-line relationship with someone. They don't work for me. Maybe for some they do, but not me.

(5)I did require at least a facial picture of the person, as I do have plenty available on my profile for anyone to see. This could be either on his profile, or in his cmail. I wanted the picture so I could recognize the person when we did meet face-to-face. Cock shots were useless in that regard, unless of course the owner wanted to drop his pants in the public place where we would be meeting, so I could recognize him that way. lmao

My Sir was really good about all those things. He's fantastic.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 25

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 1:16:18 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

All the above is exactly what I require. Nothing stated would be out of line for me.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 26

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 2:14:42 AM

mydestiny2043

Posts: 714
Joined: 10/15/2005
From: Southern California
Status: offline

Except for your 4 picture full body requirement?
I wouldn't have any issues with sweetsubs suggestions except my pic might be a few years older but the facial structure and looks don't change that drastically so you would still know it was me.In the end it does basically boil down to ones own comfort level and what makes them feel safe.And like most everything else in life there is no one size fits all.Good thread though.

_____________________________

Fate determines who will come into your life...................
You decide who stays,and who goes !!!!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 27

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 2:56:19 AM

Arillis

Posts: 75
Joined: 10/28/2008
Status: offline

I meet a lot of people, every week, and truly feel enriched by each meeting. The D/s practitioners I meet are for the most part acquaintances of mutual friends but as
of late I have meet quite a few people from CM.
Even though there was no magnetism leaping from any of these encounters every one
of these people, especially, the “submissive or slaves” were interesting and genuinely pleasant dinner dates.

(in reply to StayPutDarling)

Post #: 28

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 3:06:42 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Obviously I'm a fake. I never sent him any pictures. We didn't exchange phone numbers for two or three weeks. He never asked me if I was female or not, never occurred to either of us. We simply talked as the interest grew and met when it was convenient. And here we are, living together, raising our various kids, many years later.

But honestly Steel, you have the cart before the horse. You require all this just to start chatting to see if you have enough compatibility and interest in each other in order to meet. I'm not willing to do any of that hoop jumping before knowing if I want to know him better. Because if it turns out that one or the other doesn't feel enough of a connection, we don't need that stuff since we won't meet.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 29

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 3:07:04 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

FR

Phone numbers

I am dyslexic it took me literally two years to learn my phone number off by heart therefore I do anything I can to not change it. I gave it to a guy once because we were meeting and he was showing me the trains, he was late and another friend came. He saw us and went mental, rang literally every two seconds, threatened me etc etc I am far more cautious with giving it out now.

To be honest I have no rules about what I need someone to do to prove themselves real I am fairly perceptive and I have yet to speak to someone for an extended period who just vanishes or who doesnt show up when I want to meet them. I don't need stupid proof like a photo with a word on a piece of paper or any of that crap because fake profiles are really easy to spot.

Ironically I prefer to meet someone before I give personal details out.

Sometimes I think we all over play the whole fake thing

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 30

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 4:22:42 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I rely totally on my instincts. They have never let me down before.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 31

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 4:25:21 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

I've learned that someone can find a tremendous amount of information about you from just a few little tidbits.
Therefore...were I looking for someone there is no way in hell I would provide them with my phone number, first name or anything personal until I knew they were not insane and I knew they were someone that I wanted to meet in the flesh.
As for knowing whether someone is insane or who they say they are or not....that's where gut instincts come into play.
The guy who my gut says was a pompous ass turned out to be a pompous ass. The guy who gave me false information countless times and yet my gut still said he was the one turned out to be the one.
I'm always amazed how people can't tell the scammers and the cut and pastes right off the bat. They really are obvious.

_____________________________

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 32

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 7:23:13 AM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

I just go on instinct. If somebody wants to fake stuff it's always going to be possible.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 33

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 8:02:35 AM

PursuitOf

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/28/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

The guy who my gut says was a pompous ass turned out to be a pompous ass. The guy who gave me false information countless times and yet my gut still said he was the one turned out to be the one.

I've had similar experiences, especially with the second point you mentioned. I wasn't given false information per se, but given reasons to think it was false. He did all the things that "all good people" on this forum tell you to turn you head away from, run not walk. But gut said not to. Gut knows what it's doing, so I followed gut. And am very happy I did.

Our guts are brilliant. It's too bad we don't always listen to them.

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 34

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 8:46:11 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

f n hell i have to get rid of my green card rofl thank god the whole world does not think like us

(in reply to PursuitOf)

Post #: 35

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 9:33:20 AM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

I'm not actively meeting people but when I was... I prefer to trade a few pictures. Big, well lit and properly focused pictures. The more the merrier. Physical attraction is important to me and on occasion I can surmise from a few pictures that said attraction does not exist. I know a picture is simply a snapshot - a frozen moment in time - and to some the camera lens is very kind while not as welcoming to others. It's not foolproof and I have been burned by the photo thing before. It's important to clarify "physical attraction" - it doesn't mean human Barbie doll. Physical attraction can take on many faces. I can shrug my shoulders at a woman that 99 other guys might tackle each other to get to while showing an interest in a woman that the other 99 guys might shrug their shoulders and walk away from. It's not an exact science by any means.

I met my submissive online on IRC and after about three minutes of chatting ("once I saw that you could string together several coherent sentences" she said) she offered to exchange pics. A girl after my own heart - cuts to the chase. Then again "no photo" is not an absolute deal breaker. Some people prefer not to send them. Of course, they do not receive one in return. If I roll the dice so do they. I might still meet based on just corresponding with them.

I'm willing to email or chat for about a week or so. About whatever topicality comes up. If they want to talk about bdsm related things that's fine or if not that's fine also. My philosophy is that I have to know a certain amount of things about someone to move on. What they look like, their general personality and their thoughts and approach to bdsm among them. I'm not going to venture forth until I am familiar with all of those things but what order I learn them is not cast in stone. If they want to talk bdsm in email before we meet that's great. I may rule them out as potential partner based on that and never opt to meet them or they might seem like a good prospect in that arena only to not be my type once we sit down for coffee. I have requisites but I don't have a hard and fast path that I follow to get there.

A phone chat is not a necessity. We corresponded for three weeks in email and chat before we met (it's a 200 mile LDR) but only had one brief 10 minute phone chat one morning and that was just an off the cuff thing to say hello. I could have easily done without it. Meeting in person it is nice to trade numbers in case someone is going to be late or has to change plans.

The folks who blend their meetings into other activities they already enjoy have it right. Meet them at a play party or at your favorite coffee shop. That way you can enjoy yourself even if the meeting is a wash.

One other thing I'd like to add - take a chance and give other people a chance. I met a woman once on b.com. We traded pics and chatted very briefly in email for about a week. I really was not wowed by the pictures, to be honest but I agreed to meet for coffee. We did and chatted for a few hours. It was okay but she was nervous and really didn't seem to be my type. My instinct was to thank her for meeting me and move on but I agreed to meet her again. The next meeting went better and we agreed to get together for play and did so for a few months. It was fun and I am glad I did not follow my initial instincts.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 36

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 9:42:51 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

All the above is exactly what I require. Nothing stated would be out of line for me.

Steel

Thank you Sir.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 37

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 9:44:13 AM

sabis

Posts: 136
Joined: 6/29/2005
From: Midwest, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
I rely totally on my instincts. They have never let me down before.

Yes. This. :)

My Owner and I pretty much broke every rule of 'safe, sane and consensual' first meetings, and here we are almost 10 years later...

For those concerned about giving out their cell phone number to someone who could be a weirdo stalker / just didn't work out / whatever: Grab a pre-paid Go Phone or the like. Use it only for that purpose. You're not giving out your primary number, and its disposable.

In His service,

~sabis
Owned by Cumulus

< Message edited by sabis -- 8/9/2009 9:50:20 AM >

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 38

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 10:40:10 AM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

Sabis, I'm happy you were lucky.

A more general reply,
The truth of the matter is most people are not hazardous. They may be married or flaky or only after a kinky time or some dirty talk, but they're not dangerous. These precautions might weed out some of the former, but the invaluable purpose is to screen the latter. It depends how worried you are about threat.

It's true, we risk meeting someone crazy on every human encounter. The fact that psychopathic torturers, murders, rapists and the like exist is not sufficient reason to build a safe room and live there, but I do feel its sufficient to be cautious... To be aware of potential risks.

I know I'm too much of a pansy to jump and hope my wings carry. I know that people miss out on a LOT of extremely amazing experiences playing it safe. It's a scaled decision - sometimes gambling is worth it. What I do not like to see are people who don't realize which "opportunities" are big gambles. They don't compare what they risk to what they gain. Maybe the biker guy with a bad ass attitude will make a great and loving, hardcore, protective but extreme dom. Maybe this night ends in gang rape. I admit the chances are not 50-50, but they're not 100-0 either.

Gut feelings are never to be ignored. I also don't consider them enough, alone, but they do offer good information in judging a person. If it's your only tool, you only need to be tricked once.

The problem is that people who REALLY want to hurt... can easily gain knowledge on how to hurt. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out girls like consistency, measured eagerness, patience, and lots of pictures/willingness to call. This is called the lure, by the way. It has a name because it's common. For those emotional gut-lovers, charisma is easy to fake. A list of interests is conveniently placed right next to your story and face. A smart man could compare it with how you smile and the way you type... A dumb man can google your age (actually, the year you were 17-21 would be better) and interests like books, movies, music... Instant chemistry. You're 45? Born 1964, 22 in 1986... So... We both loved Hannah and Her Sisters! (I've never seen the film, but two Oscars can't be all that bad...)

Just be careful... Sly con artists are usually not crazy enough to want to do bodily harm, so that's nice. But crazy people (who are often [but not always] too lazy to do their homework) may.

I find it hard to muster sympathy for the person who got raped, maimed, and/or killed because they thought "It'd be sexy if I came to his hotel like a call girl, not even knowing his name." It is sexy... 9/10 times.

< Message edited by HeavansKeeper -- 8/9/2009 10:48:52 AM >

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to sabis)

Post #: 39

RE: Proof of Life ~~ Know your contacts - 8/9/2009 12:26:03 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Our contact rule is simple. Contact us and express an interest to meet, tell us when you are going to be in town, set up a place, and if we can be there - we're there. Funny thing, it has worked for us not just locally, but in Amsterdam, London, Vegas, and just about everywhere we've traveled.

While single, we both had the same attitude. My rule was to meet within two weeks from first contact or move on. beth didn't have a time limit, but had the same basic concept in mind. Our goal, meeting people, wasn't served by a long term vetting process. People who represent they are single, available, within reasonable travel distance, and the gender, height, weight, age within hand grenade distance of the profile disclosure won't require a six month, getting to know you, whack off together on the internet, courtship.

I'd treat someone who required me sending a copy of my driver's license or SS card the same way I treat those who say I should send those things in order to recover my percentage of $50 Million if I brokered an international wired funds exchange. If you can't tell a fraud within a few email exchanges consider another approach. Another suggesting is keep expectations to a minimum and have a backup plan for the day should nobody show up. Assume you know nothing until you meet in person, and then start the vetting process. It worked for us, about 1 1/2 hours from initial handshake, we were checking into a room. What can I say - beth's a slut!

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 40

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