How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (Full Version)

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bdsmlife20 -> How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 9:36:10 AM)

I guess the only real way is to try it.

But what about the theory of it?

I like to watch all sorts of bondage pornos. I like the latex ect, bondage, ect. but does this mean you really want to be involved in the lifestyle, or do you merely enjoy watching? At the risk of being at least a partial voyer (porn is voyerism), which I feel is unavoidable in todays culture, how can you tell if you enjoy watching the act or being involved?

I guess the real thing is that you need to have a ton of sex in order to figure out what your true desries are.



mnottertail -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 9:42:06 AM)

I don't know that you need a ton of  sex:
<snip from your profile>

I am into bondage, latex, pvc (I love outfits), light pain, all sorts of sex.

I don't know if I am a dom or sub, so I am willing to try out either.

I like adventures, new things and things that are clever.
</snip>
do you own outfits? have you ever tied or been tied?  do you have personal fantasies?

If you are in a 'scene' and then come................it means it works, but whether fantasy and reality will EVER meet...........well, you will have to ask the lesbians with the cut out tongues about that.....(inside joke here).

Tapper



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 9:50:19 AM)

The first thing I'd suggest is turn off the porn.  At best, it's an unrealistic representation of the "lifestyle" and will not help you figure out where your desires truly lie.  At worst, you're going to be disappointed, frustrated, and someone is going to get hurt, physically, emotionally, or both, if you try to reenact the sorts of scenes you're watching without any experience in them.  Who gets hurt depends upon which side of the kneel you fall.
 
So, after you ditch the porn, start reading.  And I don't mean read The Marketplace, The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, or The Story of O either.  Find the best nonfiction books on BDSM you can.  You can find a plethora of books on Amazon.com.  My personal recommendation for someone new is Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon.  I've also heard good reviews of Different Loving by William Brame and Gloria Brame. 
 
After reading up, if you're still interested, find a BDSM club or munch in your area.  Attend a few meetings, talk to people, and make friends.  Don't pretend you have more experience than you really do.  You'll be much better received if you're open, honest, and friendly.  If you can find someone to mentor you and a mentor/student relationship is something that appeals to you, go with it.  Learn everything you can from people on both sides of the kneel. 
 
By the time you've spent a few months learning how "the lifestyle" works for a variety of people, you should have a pretty good idea of whether or not it's for you.



GreedyTop -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 9:55:47 AM)

the loving dominant (by John Warren) is also a good non-fiction resource.



maia09 -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 9:57:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdsmlife20

I guess the only real way is to try it.

But what about the theory of it?

I like to watch all sorts of bondage pornos. I like the latex ect, bondage, ect. but does this mean you really want to be involved in the lifestyle, or do you merely enjoy watching? At the risk of being at least a partial voyer (porn is voyerism), which I feel is unavoidable in todays culture, how can you tell if you enjoy watching the act or being involved?

I guess the real thing is that you need to have a ton of sex in order to figure out what your true desries are.



Yes, the only way you'll know what you like in reality vs. fantasy is to experience it. Don't be in a hurry to "identify" yourself as any particular thing i.e. top, bottom, sub, Dom etc. Just find some folks in your area - go to munches and make some friends. Then, if you're lucky, you'll meet someone who perhaps has play parties or workshops. If you're leanings are toward having things done to you, offer to be the "guinea pig" but only in a safe environment. If you're leanings are toward doing things to another, then learn about the different kinks. This is a good start. You will eventually find your own path.



sweetsub1957 -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 10:40:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdsmlife20

I guess the only real way is to try it.

But what about the theory of it?

I like to watch all sorts of bondage pornos. I like the latex ect, bondage, ect. but does this mean you really want to be involved in the lifestyle, or do you merely enjoy watching? At the risk of being at least a partial voyer (porn is voyerism), which I feel is unavoidable in todays culture, how can you tell if you enjoy watching the act or being involved?

I guess the real thing is that you need to have a ton of sex in order to figure out what your true desries are.



I guess I was lucky.  I didn't have to have a ton of sex.  lmao  My first experience was with a Dominant of 30+ years who exposed me to a lot of things physically and, emotionally, I was jelly when it was all said and done.  I knew then and there that I was not only kinky physically, but that the emotional part of Domination/submission fulfilled me like vanilla never did.  It was one of those "I've waited all my life for this moment" moments.  That was 10 months ago & now that I'm with Sir, it's still getting better every day.  [:D]



LillyoftheVally -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 10:42:24 AM)

I have only recently started watching bdsm porn just because it is quick and easy. I don't actually remember a eureka moment as such, things just sort of progressed in an organic way.



Missokyst -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 10:47:39 AM)

I have happily not been "in the lifestyle" for 30 yrs.  It is just life.. apparently kinky, wickedly hot, with lots of lag time in between relationships, but it is not a lifestyle for me.  I hope it never is.



MarcEsadrian -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 11:01:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdsmlife20

I guess the only real way is to try it.

But what about the theory of it?

I like to watch all sorts of bondage pornos. I like the latex ect, bondage, ect. but does this mean you really want to be involved in the lifestyle, or do you merely enjoy watching? At the risk of being at least a partial voyer (porn is voyerism), which I feel is unavoidable in todays culture, how can you tell if you enjoy watching the act or being involved?

I guess the real thing is that you need to have a ton of sex in order to figure out what your true desries are.



Given that "BDSM" is a fairly large and exponentially growing thing, the question of are you really into this or that lifestyle is jejune until you specifically ask which lifestyle. Only then do you get into the many permutations that can exist in each subset.

Having a ton of sex isn't going to help much. I think you mean to say having a breadth of experiences and combining that with a lot of introspection—of migrating from the overall "rope", if you will, to the strands, then the yarns, and eventually the precise thread that suits you.

Edited to add: Porn isn't going to help much. Well, a good sum of it, that is. Some of what's out there isn't really "porn" at all, but actual footage of real events and interactions. To be safe, however, migrate from voyeur to participant mindfully, and see where the path leads.



BriteBlond -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 12:16:17 PM)

Likewise, I am a neophyte seeking enlightenment. I am no expert on BDSM.

But I do know that generally some things can only be "knowed" through experience.
You can only know what a cold bath is like by taking one. It takes experience to know it.

Knowledge only comes with walking around the proverbial block.

I don't see why BDSM should be an exception.







LadyPact -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 12:27:18 PM)

Just to add to what others have said here, ummmmm...... no.

Actually, it's kind of insulting that anyone would insinuate that the way I live My life would resemble some trashy porn video.  The majority of what I do that would be referred to as being associated with the lifestyle doesn't even involve the things you mentioned.  If you're just interested in kink and sex, that's cool, but that's not what everyone else is in it for.

The way to tell if you enjoy just watching these activities or if you like doing them is to try them.  In order to try them, shut off the porn and meet some folks in your local area.  Don't be surprised if what they are doing is also based more in reality than what you've been watching.  Big tip here.  Don't think everyone at your local munch is just hoping you'll come along so you can get your kink on.  That's called being a "do-me" and you're going to find that it's kind of frowned on.

As for books that you can read in the meantime, you've been given two good examples and there are a ton more out there.  Do a search for "booklist" by ResidentSadist.  So far, he and MasterFireMaam have the best non fiction BDSM lists going.  There should be a title or two there that will catch your eye.



DesFIP -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 2:30:32 PM)

I have no interest in watching porn, he does that when he can't sleep.
But I always fantasized about being tied up.

Don't watch any porn for several months. If you still fantasize about doing this to someone else or having someone do it to you, you will know if it is the act or just being a voyeur that gets you.



MasterSlaveLA -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 2:32:42 PM)

There's a scratch n' sniff test for "lifestylers"... I have it on good authority it's 100% accurate.




DomImus -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 2:49:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdsmlife20
I like to watch all sorts of bondage pornos. I like the latex ect, bondage, ect. but does this mean you really want to be involved in the lifestyle, or do you merely enjoy watching? At the risk of being at least a partial voyeur (porn is voyeurism), which I feel is unavoidable in todays culture, how can you tell if you enjoy watching the act or being involved?


You're taking notes. [:D]



mnottertail -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 2:59:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Just to add to what others have said here, ummmmm...... no.

Actually, it's kind of insulting that anyone would insinuate that the way I live My life would resemble some trashy porn video. 


I want my money back I sent you for the trashy porn video, goddammit!!!!!!
'Lady Pact and the Nigerian to-die-for Asses'..... my fuckin' ASS!!!!!

BTW MasterFireMaaM has her own book written, and while some may think it is not a starter BDSM book.........well it explains something about what goes on in her head, and why she likes things the way she does, and it may resonate.

TrashMaster

  



cornflakegirl -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 3:51:12 PM)

I started by role playing D/s stuff online with a partner. It got me going in a way that nothing else ever did. If you are looking to explore without crossing physical lines, I think it's a good place to begin. Just keep in mind that the 4 hours of horse whipping (or whatever) on a text based chat are not going to prepare either of you for what it's really like experiencing and creating pain in the physical world. There are a lot of emotional and physical risks when you start playing in the face to face world, so be cautious. :)



littlewonder -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 3:55:14 PM)

I've been doing "this" for a very long time but I've never considered myself as part of some kind of "lifestyle".

I simply live my life with a man who leads and is the power in a relationship.



LadyPact -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 3:55:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Just to add to what others have said here, ummmmm...... no.

Actually, it's kind of insulting that anyone would insinuate that the way I live My life would resemble some trashy porn video. 


I want my money back I sent you for the trashy porn video, goddammit!!!!!!
'Lady Pact and the Nigerian to-die-for Asses'..... my fuckin' ASS!!!!!

BTW MasterFireMaaM has her own book written, and while some may think it is not a starter BDSM book.........well it explains something about what goes on in her head, and why she likes things the way she does, and it may resonate.

TrashMaster

 


OMG this was hilarious.  Thank you, Ron.  I damn near fell out of My chair.   [sm=rofl.gif]

There is nothing like a good laugh from the other side of the screen.



bdsmlife20 -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 4:36:12 PM)

Well thanks everyone for all of the input. I certainly did not mean to offend anyone by relating the lifestyle to porn, so sorry. 
Marc – You got it exactly right:   "Having a ton of sex isn't going to help much. I think you mean to say having a breadth of experiences and combining that with a lot of introspection"   You seem like an interesting guy, someone who would be good to talk about life with...   mnottertail - I would be interested in reading the book by MasterFireMaaM. Do you have any idea where I can find it?



CatdeMedici -> RE: How to know if you are really into the llifestyle (8/10/2009 6:04:16 PM)

Many aspects of the life have nothing whatsoever to do with porn, kink or sex. but are frameworks for real day to day relationships.



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