Acer49
Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Confidence is often used as a benchmark. What is one of the key characteristic of a 'good' top/bottom? What does it take to go out and meet people? How can I talk to my partner about my fantasies? Confidence is often included in, if not given as, the answer; self confidence predominantly. As an individual that's relatively simple to achieve. You look in the mirror reflecting yourself and your life and accept the reflected reality. Somewhere in the process another variable enters into the equation; eluded to in the focus on confidence, but required for a successful outcome in the use of confidence. The variable is trust.
Not trying to provide more rationalization for those using the excuse of not wanting to 'hurt' their current obligated, by vow or pragmatism, partner; but before confronting a partner regarded unfulfilled fantasies you better trust that the disclosure doesn't end the relationship partnership. Once being self assured and confident in who you are, and what you want; you have to go out there and find someone with compatible desires, and complimentary fantasies. Trust evolves, hopefully grows, and the connection and, if included and desired, intimacy grows with it. Assuming you don't have a sociopath as a partner, emotions get committed and there is some level of regard for the feelings of the other person or persons making up the relationship dynamic. Even the most casual of players usually hopes their dungeon play partner has a safe trip home. Even if you don't label it 'love', you built from the confident initial foundation and sometimes, even without intent, some emotions get mixed in with the mortar and become integrated with the ongoing relationship building.
To me, trust has a 'virginity' standard, you can only lose it once. Which brings up the topic of a recent 'munch' discussion poolside at 'Casa Merc & beth' this weekend. Regardless of labels used, Master/Dominant/Top or slave/submissive/bottom, or how you define your dynamic 24/7, bedroom only, weekend warrior; who needs more confidence, or is it equal?
I know, and have personal experience, of witnessing both Monday morning frenzy and regret. No matter how much pre-qualifying, discussion, and planning; reality experienced, is rarely fantasy fulfilled. Better or worse than expected, WOW! or anti-climatic, more exciting than anticipated or boring; and everything in between all the references, but I've never heard or seen a pure logic 'Spock-like' evaluation; "Interesting" accompanied by a raised eye-brow. Considering the potential reactions, and assuming an equal level of trust and openness on all the parties involved, now pick an activity; any activity. Public play, ass play, water-sports, canes, threesomes, moresomes, pony/puppy play, bukkaki, glory hole, age-play, or any of the menu items we've all decided we "loved/liked/hated/hard limit" and evaluated our 'skill' level.
Maybe you don't agree with my position that when you try something new you, as a couple, come out of the experience different. Until you try it, you don't know if the difference will have a positive or negative effect on the collective you. I see it reasonable to expect a change in the shared 'look'. LOVE seeing a sexy smirking smile - HATE to see a blush of self-loathing and disgust. Same activity, with different people/circumstances has the potential to come out either way.
As a 'top' in the experience, you see a 'look' from your partner that wasn't there before. I think it should be expected and there is no way of knowing if that 'look' is impacted positively or negatively until after the experience. You can trust honest discussion and disclosure; but you can't know the outcome. You need a LOT of confidence to attempt any fantasy fulfillment. I don't think it is any different in the 'vanilla' world; often they refer to attempting something new as "adding a spark" to the relationship. However, unlike the vanillas most people under the WIITWD umbrella put things in terms of giving/receiving or simply put 'top/bottom'. In those terms, top/bottom, who needs more confidence over time?
My answer first. Considering the top/bottom dynamic assumes the decision responsibility ultimately rests with the giving end of the flogger, I think the top requires more confidence. Confidence not only in his/her self but requiring almost an equal level of confidence in the vocalized representation of her/his partner. On the receiving end of the flogger, you can fall back on the tearful, "I was only trying to please you!" As a top, are you confident enough to experience that and move on? As a bottom, are you sure of your ultimate motive? Would you, could you, use it as a potential weapon down the road? For either, is the motive pure, or will you use it as an earned 'chip' to play later?
It made for an interesting discussion among our friends. Like most discussions on the political threads, I don't think it changed anybodies opinion, but some interesting "what if..." cases were made on both sides.
What do you think?
Ultimately we are responsible for our own decisions. It is the one who submits who must have the confidence in the one who holds the flogger regardless of how the flogger views themselves
_____________________________
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein
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Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 
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