RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more?

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/12/2009 5:20:58 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

My short, short (way oversimplified) answer:

The D-type needs confidence.
The s-type needs trust.
And both need sensibility and critical thinking in order to adequately assess the presence of the first two in each other.

Yes...agree.
Confidence in one's abilities to exert control...freedom to exert control
Trust within the limits of that control........freedom from harm
Trust and confidence have an equal and directly relationship to each other.
Trust and confidence are reciprocal. The more confidence one has as a d type the more trust it will engender in the s type.
I have an immediate and instinctual sense for lack of confidence no matter how it is camoflaged.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 8/12/2009 5:25:13 PM >

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/12/2009 6:04:54 PM

cpK69

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~fr~

Trust is about perception; confidence comes from accomplishment of skill.

When I trust my perception, it is because of confidence built from accurately assessing situations. Otherwise, I stop trusting my perception, and lose confidence.

I am doubtful it is possible for me to trust my partner’s skill. Something tells me, it is because I am unable to experience their skill from their standing that makes it so.

Kim

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/12/2009 6:35:16 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69

~fr~

Trust is about perception; confidence comes from accomplishment of skill.

When I trust my perception, it is because of confidence built from accurately assessing situations. Otherwise, I stop trusting my perception, and lose confidence.

I am doubtful it is possible for me to trust my partner’s skill. Something tells me, it is because I am unable to experience their skill from their standing that makes it so.

Kim

I was just thinking similar and this is in addition to what I added to NihiluZero post above.
Whereas we were talking about confodence and trust being an exchange dynamic it is also an internal dynamic. But I think the exchange takes precedence. What I mean by this is that IF my confidence in the trust I have for my d type fails then it is the responsibiliy for the dominant to reassert the confidence they have in controlling both themself and me.
Likewise if am in the d position (and i do switch) and my trust in my own cobfidence fails then it is bt sensing the level of trust that the sybmissive has in me.
It's an internal process as well as an exchange. However what enpowers the internal process is that exchange which for me at it's best, crosses boundaries between self and other. Yo say that you are unable to experience their skill from their standing. But for me I have and do feel that as something is being done to me I sense it from their stand. It's that type of reciprocity where the other becomes flash of my flash and it never occurred to me nor do I ever have an experience of it during mundane sex or mundane intimacy.
Put another way; it feels like I can trust that what is being done to me, as the submissive, is what I wnt to be done to me...not less nor more but entirely what I am wishing, or willing to happen. Difficukt to express in words. And doesn't always happen ny far. But that sort of ultimae trust is the kick, is what I am addicted to in a sense and is what keeps me coming back for more.

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/13/2009 12:32:42 PM

Steelslilbit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Good thing we have a big empty lot nextdoor for any "accidents".

Is it just me, or did any of the other bottoms/subs/slaves have a cold chill run up their spine when they read this????

~looks around suspiciously~
lil bit

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/13/2009 1:07:48 PM

rideemwet

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To the OP
I don't quite know how you measure confidence other than to see who balks or chickens out in a given situation. I would note that confidence is not static. Some days either one of us may be feeling more or less comfortable/confident//trusting. I'm going to be evaluating both my confidence in what I'm doing and my partner's level of trust as well as comfort with the situation. From my side as the one holding the flogger, sometimes I'll do things to build trust on her part, or confidence on my part. I find that is a good start to getting into the mindset for having fun.

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/14/2009 11:37:35 AM

utahSteelsandi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

quote:

In my opinion it totally depends on how the harm is done. I tend to be quite a trusting person generally and give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove to me that they do not deserve it. I know many do not do it this way. However if he was to cause me 'harm' accidentally, then yes like you it is something you can pull through yet if he was to cause me harm by ignorance, not knowing what he is doing or not thinking properly then sorry I would loose both trust and respect for him instantly.

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/14/2009 11:41:05 AM

utahSteelsandi

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sorry appearently i "quoted" wron i just wanted to agree with this statement. i am the same way when it comes to trust, you have mine until you show me you don't deserve it. and once it's gone, it's gone. as Merc said, i will tolerate someone i don't trust but i can never trust them again.

andi

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/14/2009 11:53:30 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

I don't quite know how you measure confidence other than to see who balks or chickens out in a given situation.

rideemwet,
No, I think confidence going in is determined that way when the focus is primarily just doing something with a partner without the concern for the partner at the other end of the experience. In other words, at a club that I'm attending for the first time, I need to exhibit confidence and/or ability so the submissive will trust me enough to let me bind them to a cross and do whatever it is we agree to do; and let the games begin.

My attempt here was to focus on the other side of the experience. Using that same example, and going to that club for public play for the first time with a partner; are you confident the relationship with the partner, on either side of the flogger, has not had a negative impact on the relationship. Where does the confidence come, and who requires more to go through that new, first experience? As a meet, greet, play, and good-bye; it doesn't matter much. However, being bound, attached to a cross, and flogged publicly at a club for the first time, can generate an interesting ride home; if one side loved it, and the other were reduced to tears thinking back on the exact same experience.

The question isn't so much would you risk it, but who needs more confidence to attempt it in the first place, knowing that in any event, there would be that ride home.

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/14/2009 12:37:01 PM

LillyoftheVally

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quote:

ORIGINAL: utahSteelsandi

sorry appearently i "quoted" wron i just wanted to agree with this statement. i am the same way when it comes to trust, you have mine until you show me you don't deserve it. and once it's gone, it's gone. as Merc said, i will tolerate someone i don't trust but i can never trust them again.

andi

Completely Andi, and its why 'cheating' or lying dooms all my relationships. I know its pretty tough but if someone can do it once they can do it again and again

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RE: Confidence - Which side of the flogger requires more? - 8/14/2009 2:47:58 PM

FullfigRIMAAM1

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Being reasonably confident as a human being, and being a dominant, I am here to say that in my opinion, the submissive/slave needs to be very confident, in order to do well trusting and submitting.
My limited experience would not have taken place, or been incredibly fun, if I had not met one or two men who decided it was okay to put their well beings in my inexperienced, trepidatious hands, so that I could learn and enjoy myself. Even when no pain is involved, I am unable to relinquish control, or trust to that degree.

Having said that, my statement was based on my positive experiences, with men I considered to be genuinely submissive whether by nature or by choice. I have had short, not so pleasant experiences with folks who seemed to lack confidence/conviction to be in the role they had "?chosen?" I have always thought that submission is not for the weak. M

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