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ElanSubdued -> RE: Types of Dommes? (8/16/2009 2:02:10 PM)
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quote:
TexasMaam wrote in the Types of Dommes thread:
~~~~ as in all things, VanIsleKnight, tribute is what you make of it.
(snip)
2 a: something given or contributed voluntarily as due or deserved; especially a gift or service showing respect, gratitude, or affection (a floral tribute). b: something (as material evidence or a formal attestation) that indicates the worth, virtue, or effectiveness of the one in question (the design is a tribute to his ingenuity).
This is posted in the "BOIZ, LEMME TELL YOU" thread too, but it's equally topical here. To those that concentrate on the idea of tribute, I say the following. I've never found this a productive approach to long term relationships and indeed such an approach is usually baneful. In short term relationships, tribute or quid pro quo oriented mindsets may be workable, but my experience is that all relationships are more enjoyable and rewarding when each partner considers what they can bring to the other's happiness. Keep in mind I'm not espousing an accounting approach - far from it in fact. When each person goes in counting what they give and get, and expecting perfectly balanced books, a relationship is usually headed for bankruptcy in due course.
Relationships are never balanced and at times, due to the partners needs and the emotional investment in each other, may be very unbalanced. Example: one partner needs to go to school and the other helps pay and holds down household expenses to enable this. Another example: one partner needs help with a family member so the other contributes many hours of assistance (and perhaps some money too). Rarely do these outlays (whatever they may be: time, effort, emotional support, money, etc.) balance. One does these things because they care about their partner and want to see their partner as healthy and as happy as possible. Sure enough, if one partner takes all the time and never gives anything in return and/or never addresses their partner's needs, this almost always causes problems and likely, in time, causes the relationship to end. A healthy relationship, in my experience, is one where each partner feels cared about and rewarded by the other, and where all partners contribute to the emotional, logistical, and financial health of each other and of the relationship.
The key here is that all of this happens organically, as a result of each partner contributing of their own, free will, and as a result of each partner's love and commitment to the other. When "tribute" is expected, the contribution is no longer a gift, no longer of free will, and, perhaps, no longer based on love and commitment. These types of contributions, in short order, tend to change the focus of each partner from "what can I give" to "what can I get". In my experience, this kind of mindset is cancerous and few relationships survive it. So, while the notion of tribute may fit BDSM roles and hierarchy, I put it that this is better left as a tactful way of describing professional fees. Indeed, no matter the gender or role, when someone demands gifts or focuses on what they're going to receive (particularly in a dating profile), this is extremely unattractive because it's indicative of a cancer yet fully matured.
Specific highlight to TexasMaam: I'm not implying you demanded anything from your boy. Rather, I simply want to get out the idea that gifts demanded aren't really gifts at all.
Elan.
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