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Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/12/2009 8:28:27 PM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

I am very new to the D/s lifestyle. I met a Dom inadvertently (very long story). He introduced me to some of his play and now I want more. He considers himself a sensual Dom in that his is more the loving side of play. He has asked that I read, read and read some more on the subject, join some discussion groups and meet other D/s players in chats (which I am doing).

He told me he seeks a "life partner for fun and adventure with some awesome chances at romance, passion and all the glorious things that come with that day in and day out". I am interested in this but the kicker is, he wants to have outside subs with and without me present (he is currently doing this with two others at present).

He is extremely experienced in this field and I've no doubt in my mind whatsoever, if I end up being his sub/mate I will know no love equal before or after.

My problem is jealousy. I know this is a sign of weakness and insecurity - I just don't know how to purge it. I know it boils down to me wanting to control the relationship which is totally opposite of what this is about.

Have any of you dealt with a similar situation? How do you deal with your Dom subbing others? Any suggestions on how I can get rid of this jealousy? For those in the 24/7 lifestyle, I would love to hear more of what day-to-day life is like. Thank you all.

Post #: 1

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/12/2009 8:34:45 PM

SweetNika

Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline

What do you mean "subbing others"? To me there is a HUGE difference between simply playing or scening with someone and collaring them.

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 2

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/12/2009 10:41:46 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

He sounds like a swinger to me, with dominant tendencies in the bedroom. Either you are ok with that or you are not. Weakness and insecurity may have nothing to do with it, it might be personal ethics.
If you are open to it, explore it. You will find out soon enough whether you can live that way or not. If you are not open to it, get out while you can before attachments are formed.
I am neither weak, nor particularly insecure about men I am fucking. Sharing just is not my style.
Is it yours?

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub
My problem is jealousy. I know this is a sign of weakness and insecurity -

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 3

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/12/2009 10:47:02 PM

corsetgirl

Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

If you are seeking a monogamous dom and by the way he is revealing himself to wants to see others, then it can be an issue of compatibility. This does not make you less of a sub at all.

There are doms who are monogamous and will not share their subs and the decision rests on you and perhaps, this might be your best route.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 4

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/12/2009 11:08:35 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Are you at all interested in having a partner where non-monogamy is the fare?
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to corsetgirl)

Post #: 5

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 12:55:15 AM

petmonkey

Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

What do you mean "subbing others"?

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

Discover what the triggers of the emotion are, find the fears behind those, consider practical applications to relieve these and discuss with your Dom. Come to common ground, a consensus. This may not be *His* ground immediately, this may be middle ground for now. A question to ask yourself as your relationship intensifies: Are you just as pleased narrowing your focus on Him as He is pleased expanding His possibilities with His addition of you? Discuss, experience, rinse and repeat.
Always be aware: you might not be wired with a polygamous heart, you might have a monogamous heart (or serial monogamous heart) instead. This is not bad, it just is. It is not a sign of weakness and insecurity in absolutely everybody.
You might also come to adore a poly-type life. You must find this out for yourself, not as an attempt to keep Him near you, but as an attempt to really know yourself. Take small steps, neither trust nor submission is built before its' own time.
One very, very practical thing to keep in mind if "subbing others" includes intercourse or fluid exchange of any kind: your physical health is of utmost importance. You can trust your Dom, just don't turn your back on infectious diseases.

_____________________________

Be excellent to each other.

(in reply to SweetNika)

Post #: 6

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 1:32:36 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub
Have any of you dealt with a similar situation? How do you deal with your Dom subbing others? Any suggestions on how I can get rid of this jealousy? For those in the 24/7 lifestyle, I would love to hear more of what day-to-day life is like. Thank you all.

Tough question, I am poly therefore actively seek out a relationship structure similar to this so therefore I didn't have to 'deal' with it in the way that you feel you have to. I do not want to encourage you to do something that may not be good for you, however your openness to it may mean that actually it is something that you could develop into.

Therefore it is important to recognise that jealousy is just an emotion, we all feel it at some point, it is how we handle it that makes the difference. To not allow ourselves to be consumed by it. Jealousy is by definition irrational, when you start feeling jealous the best way to deal with it it to feel it, not 'take it out' on anyone else, simply allow the emotion. That means not beating yourself or anyone else up for it happening. Then when calmer you need to work out where the emotion came from, what your insecurities are then you need to talk it out with your partner.

I know that often we will try and change ourselves for someone else, but remember sometimes there is no shame in simply saying our life views differ too much, we are not compatible.

In terms of 24/7 that is a massive topic and probably best that you start with the search at the top, or compose a different post with the specific questions that you would like to ask.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 7

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 4:03:53 AM

learning2sub

Posts: 68
Joined: 8/12/2009
Status: offline

I am neither weak, nor particularly insecure about men I am fucking. Sharing just is not my style.
Is it yours?

Good question. It is something I am exploring.

As far as subbing others, he does not want a harem. He said he doesn't have the time or energy to take on a group! lol... It's more like 3 tops. He takes months to get to know someone before even considering them as a sub. He did this for 15 years then married. Ended up his wife decided she no longer wanted this lifestyle and things fell apart. Now he is back to the lifestyle and more cautious himself.

Thank you all this has been invaluable advice and I look forward to reading more responses. I'm sure I'll have more questions to come!

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 8

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 4:27:40 AM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

Welcome to the forums, you sound delightful !

I can't add much beyond what lily said in terms of the poly issue. I will reiterate the need to take things slow, and to realize that exploring this interest tends to be quite the voyage of discovery. You will learn a great deal about yourself along the way and your thoughts on many things (poly included) could change.

Although I think you are either wired to be poly or not, initially it can be a difficult concept to get your mind around.

Best of luck !

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 9

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 5:20:31 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: corsetgirl

If you are seeking a monogamous dom and by the way he is revealing himself to wants to see others, then it can be an issue of compatibility. This does not make you less of a sub at all.

There are doms who are monogamous and will not share their subs and the decision rests on you and perhaps, this might be your best route.

Quite true, and, I might add, there are lots of them who are extremely hot, controlling, and kinky. Did he mention from the start that he was poly? I don't think it's very good form to surprise someone with that down the road, after they are attracted to you. Doing that is probably not as bad as pretending you're the opposite sex, and then, when the person is in love with you, revealing your real gender, but it's in the same ballpark.

Please don't confuse this with a trial or proof of your submission. What if a "dominant" you'd been getting to know suddenly revealed to you that he wanted you to dominate him, and that you be the dominant most of the time. Would you think yourself a bad submissive if you didn't wield the whip? What about if he wanted you to get a sex change operation and become a man? There are some basic things like gender identity and preference, role preference, and, to a lesser degree monogamy/polygamy that get programmed in us pretty early or that we are born with. Some people are not as hard-coded as others in these areas and those people might advise you to to see this issue in terms of working on yourself as a submissive because that is how they, with their different abilities to be fulfilled, see it for themselves. That doesn't mean you have to be like them.

It also doesn't mean you don't have to be like them. Some people discover from a challange like the one your relationship is presenting you with that they do have a more fluid view about a normally fixed issue than they previously thought. Go with your guts on this one. If it feels natural, right, or doable to be one of a harem (more than one is a harem, IMO, particularly when the girls aren't sexually doing each other), then by all means try it despite the difficulties. Listen to those people writing about how to handle this situation rather than those of us telling you that you don't have to handle it and start talking to others more experienced with poly.

(in reply to corsetgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 5:39:06 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub

He is extremely experienced in this field and I've no doubt in my mind whatsoever, if I end up being his sub/mate I will know no love equal before or after.

It's normal to feel that way about a dominant when you are new to practicing submission. When you're new it's hard to distinguish between the objective fact that needs of a lifetime are finally being met and the person doing the meeting. You think it's all him working the magic when instead a lot of it is your situation: the meeting of needs long-postponed is a very powerful and heady experience. I don't mean to quell the intensity or happiness of your feelings, I'm sure he's a wonderful and special person. And it can be nice to be with someone experienced your first time around. It just doesn't strike me as realistic to believe that the fact that you are finally becoming sexually fufilled, as well, is not having a powerful affect on your attitude toward him. A gay man, having his first m-m relationship after years of trying to force himself to be straight might feel similarly about his partner. I just worry that later, if it doesn't work between you two, you will likely be more bitter than you would have been if you had seen him as only human (and fallable) from the start. You can call this a "been there, done that" kind of guess. ;)

You know, don't you that when most people declare they "will know no love equal before or after," they usually end up eating their words? Just a friendly warning born of experience: utterances like that sorely tempt the gods (or fate, if you don't believe in gods).

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 11

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 8:19:10 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: learning2sub
My problem is jealousy. I know this is a sign of weakness and insecurity - I just don't know how to purge it. I know it boils down to me wanting to control the relationship which is totally opposite of what this is about.

This would only be true if you were either poly or a TPE-slave. It doesn't sound like either of those is true.

For a monogamous, non-TPE person, this isn't about jealousy, it's about not getting your needs met.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 12

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 8:50:06 AM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Did he mention from the start that he was poly? I don't think it's very good form to surprise someone with that down the road, after they are attracted to you. Doing that is probably not as bad as pretending you're the opposite sex, and then, when the person is in love with you, revealing your real gender, but it's in the same ballpark.

It is certainly a good idea to be upfront about these things, but I'm not convinced that it's deliberate deceit if it didn't happen. Unless you're prepared to extend that argument to anybody who doesn't mention they're mono from the start.

It'd be my view that people should be clear about this very early on, but I'm not keen on it being presented as solely an issue for poly peopple.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 13

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 10:00:00 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I don't see anything that suggests this discussion should be from only poly people as it also mentions people pretending to be the opposite sex, ect.
People should talk before making a committment. I am monogamous and straight, and would never allow myself to become attached to someone who was poly or wished bi-sexual activity.
If more people talked about who they are rather than what kink they enjoy we probably wouldn't see so many people shocked when "their battle tank turns into a giant robot."

quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Did he mention from the start that he was poly? I don't think it's very good form to surprise someone with that down the road, after they are attracted to you. Doing that is probably not as bad as pretending you're the opposite sex, and then, when the person is in love with you, revealing your real gender, but it's in the same ballpark.

It is certainly a good idea to be upfront about these things, but I'm not convinced that it's deliberate deceit if it didn't happen. Unless you're prepared to extend that argument to anybody who doesn't mention they're mono from the start.

It'd be my view that people should be clear about this very early on, but I'm not keen on it being presented as solely an issue for poly peopple.

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 14

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 10:14:10 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...For those in the 24/7 lifestyle, I would love to hear more of what day-to-day life is like...

this slave awakens to the scritch-scratch noise of a mouse, chewing on the corner of the book set just outside the cage...left open to the page she was allowed to read the night before. Master enters the basement and this slave begs to be released from the cage...her diaper is full and she needs changing.

after the diaper is off, this slave crawls up the basement steps and asks permission to enter the house...once given, she crawls to the whipping post and after Master attaches her to it, He whips her to His satisfaction. she is then allowed one glass of water and a handful of crackers that she must ingest only after scurrying over to the corner and facing it.

she then must wash her hands and hurry to the kitchen to make His breakfast. He prefers bacon, eggs, those little potatoes with the small sections of peppers, bagels with preserves, black coffee and fresh squeezed fruit juice. after attaching the tray to her nipples with clamps, she serves His breakfast.

He eats, as she kneels, head bowed, next to His feet. He allows her to lick up any crumbs that are spilled on the floor, then after she has washed and put away His dishes, He drags her to the bathroom by her hair so that she can clean His ass with her mouth after He is done there on His throne.

He then goes to His blackberry and pulls out the schedule for the day---"appointments" for her to service others. He collects the money from the appointments made that day and allows this slave to drink an "Ensure" for dinner, before she prepares His evening meal. He prefers filet mignon, those funny shaped mushrooms(chantrelles, is it?), hand-made pasta and a bottle of 1979 Opus One to wash it down.

after this slave has cleaned up from dinner, He diapers her, turns the page of the book she is allowed to read 1 page of every day and locks her into the cage in the basement, while He returns upstairs to entertain some ladies He has invited over.

the next day the process repeats...

this slave's advice?

run...now...far....

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 15

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 10:39:10 AM

KCalli

Posts: 81
Joined: 8/4/2009
Status: offline

IMHO...examine your needs within yourself. Your Dom will awaken powerful feelings, unknown desires, etc. within you. Dynamics and Synergy come to mind. Explore, and if you are not agreeable, back away. I do understand the jealousy thing, but it may or may not pass at this time. Take time to find out what you desire, and what you need. As much as I hate to judge, I do know there is good and bad on either side. And all shades in between. Find what fits you. If your gut raises red flags, then run the other way, quickly. Having your needs met in no way makes you weak. It makes you stronger and more focused. That is why all care should be taken before submitting and accepting a collar.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 16

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 11:44:18 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

For those in the 24/7 lifestyle, I would love to hear more of what day-to-day life is like.

Let's see, today we are basically packing up the house and making a huge pile of trash out on the curb for the guys coming tomorrow to take away. Honestly, this is the kind of thing that Carol is way better at than me. So our day started out with snuggling in bed. Then she brought me some coffee in bed. Then she asked how she could serve me today. My answer was basically get us ready for tomorrow. So after that, the day has been a lot of her bossing me around and me going to her and saying "command me mine" *laughs*. I have to admit, I kind of like the symmetry in those three words. I just got done asking her to make me some lunch and I allowed her a beer with hers. Now I'm chilling for just a bit before I go back to her and get more commands.

Really, one the surface our day today, like most days, looks pretty normal. You'd have to be paying attention to see authoity transfer between us. It certainly wouldn't be very obvious that we consider ourselves a TPE couple *chuckles*. Honestly, the real truth is that there's nothing to see... just an old married couple where it works out best if the guy is running the show. Probably the only difference between us and any "traditional marriage" sort of thing is the extremes we take the "running the show" statement to.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to learning2sub)

Post #: 17

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 11:49:42 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...For those in the 24/7 lifestyle, I would love to hear more of what day-to-day life is like...

this slave awakens to the scritch-scratch noise of a mouse, chewing on the corner of the book set just outside the cage...left open to the page she was allowed to read the night before. Master enters the basement and this slave begs to be released from the cage...her diaper is full and she needs changing.

after the diaper is off, this slave crawls up the basement steps and asks permission to enter the house...once given, she crawls to the whipping post and after Master attaches her to it, He whips her to His satisfaction. she is then allowed one glass of water and a handful of crackers that she must ingest only after scurrying over to the corner and facing it.

she then must wash her hands and hurry to the kitchen to make His breakfast. He prefers bacon, eggs, those little potatoes with the small sections of peppers, bagels with preserves, black coffee and fresh squeezed fruit juice. after attaching the tray to her nipples with clamps, she serves His breakfast.

He eats, as she kneels, head bowed, next to His feet. He allows her to lick up any crumbs that are spilled on the floor, then after she has washed and put away His dishes, He drags her to the bathroom by her hair so that she can clean His ass with her mouth after He is done there on His throne.

He then goes to His blackberry and pulls out the schedule for the day---"appointments" for her to service others. He collects the money from the appointments made that day and allows this slave to drink an "Ensure" for dinner, before she prepares His evening meal. He prefers filet mignon, those funny shaped mushrooms(chantrelles, is it?), hand-made pasta and a bottle of 1979 Opus One to wash it down.

after this slave has cleaned up from dinner, He diapers her, turns the page of the book she is allowed to read 1 page of every day and locks her into the cage in the basement, while He returns upstairs to entertain some ladies He has invited over.

the next day the process repeats...

this slave's advice?

run...now...far....

Come on beth - you tried selling that story to the Reader's Digest and they didn't believe it either! Now -get back to your task of finding me a one legged, bi-sexual, transgendered, Asian, dwarf, switch, to join me in bed tonight! And if you fail - I won't turn the page!

PS - I want the '81 Opus tonight.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 18

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 12:20:43 PM

sweetgirlserves

Posts: 373
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

So our day started out with snuggling in bed. Then she brought me some coffee in bed.

Now I'm confused... I thought you usually got her coffee.

~sgs

< Message edited by sweetgirlserves -- 8/13/2009 12:21:04 PM >

_____________________________

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 19

RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster - 8/13/2009 12:23:46 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetgirlserves
Now I'm confused... I thought you usually got her coffee.

I do *smiles*. But she tricked me. We were there snuggling and the next thing I knew, she'd bounced out of bed and asked if she could bring me some coffee. I'm pretty sure she did it that way because she knew if she stayed in bed and asked, I'd have said, "Stay here, I'll bring you some." So yeah, not only a lazy master in this story but also some hardcore topping from the bottom going on. Gawd my relationship is a mess *laughs and laughs*

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to sweetgirlserves)

Post #: 20

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