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ResidentSadist -> RE: 20/20 aka It's All So Clear to Me Now (8/18/2009 12:03:37 AM)
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My parents lived the lifestyle but concealed it from me when I was young. They didn’t want to influence me. However, by age 13 I had ransacked their library and became a fan of Marquis de Sade, his philosophy books and his erotic novels. My introduction to BDSM doesn’t meet your criteria of "making sense looking back" because I was quite aware while it transpired . . . but it was my introduction to BDSM nonetheless.
quote:
ORIGINAL: PlayfulWhenUsed
. . . I am very curious about other people's experiences also!
So if you are willing to share, please tell me! What things happened early in your life that may have seemed peculiar at the time, but that make a lot of sense looking back on them?
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My beginnings 1969 – 1973
I inadvertently used hypnosis in my teens to get my girlfriend to do BDSM acts.
When I discovered what I was doing… I kept doing it over and over again anyway.
I found danita in a corner at a party. Her head was down, shoulders slumped and she was hiding her oversized breasts with folded arms, yet she wore a sexy red dress. It spoke to me of her conflicted desires and self esteem issues. I could almost smell her restrained passion trying to escape. If only she could find pride in her sensual nature, she would be a charming beauty. I wanted her. Armed with passion, love, wealth, good looks, exotic cars and adventures I took her and eventually molded her into the beauty that I saw.
Danita basically had a good heart and could be very submissive and empathetic in a relationship. Her upbringing and current family environment had given her a hard edge when it came to making herself vulnerable. Submission didn't come easy for her. But this story isn't about love and emotional surrender. It's about sexual submission, kink and my very strange beginnings in the world of BDSM.
Although I didn’t really know much about the lifestyle yet, she was my sexual submissive and could be incredibly kinky… sort of. Allow me to explain. In the daytime danita had trouble handling my sexual appetites. She was very shy and sexually conservative. She was reluctant or refused to have anything to do with vanilla kink, anal, oral, cum or BDSM. In fact, just about everything that wasn’t done in the missionary position and with the lights out was off limits. Although she could be mentally and emotionally submissive, she was not normally sexually submissive or open minded to kink or BDSM... until one day when in the wee hours of the morning things changed radically. You will understand why daytime danita and nighttime danita became opposites as this very bizarre story unfolds.
Because she had oversized breasts, her bra pulled on her back and the muscle strain gave her headaches. Rubbing her temples relieved these headaches. Once her headache was gone she could focus on physical pleasures. Because exchanging body massages had been part of our normal sexual foreplay, the temple rubbing was a natural extension of it. Soon this developed into a pattern and I regularly added verbal seduction while rubbing her temples.
One night while rubbing her temples and talking sexy to her, she began moaning sexually while I told about the things I wanted to do to her. As my tale became more passionate she slowly evolved into a sexually responsive slut moaning and writhing in the bed. She even grabbed my cock and started seducing me. Although she didn't speak a word, she didn't have to. Her receptiveness could be felt by her grip tightening as told about the things I was going to do to her sexually. She became so receptive and passionate, I started pushing boundaries like anal sex and bondage. The more extreme I got, the more she moaned and pulled on my cock. She became voracious and responded with an appetite for kink and bondage. I started telling her what to do and what position to lay in. She was totally obedient. I blindfolded her and tied her up with some bandanas. I got between her legs and told her I was going to take her ass right then and there. I told her to adjust her position so I could enter her. She obeyed my every command.
There she was, laying on her back before me, blindfolded, hands tied to the headboard, her legs spread and knees up so I could take her ass. I was in heaven. I bit her nipples very hard to distract her from the pain while I shoved my cock into her virgin ass for the first time. She went wild when I penetrated her. I told her to relax and push back. She complied with glee and soon fell into the passion of it. Ultimately she responded with her own orgasm. When I reached my own peak, I pulled out of her and sprayed her belly and chest with my cum. She did not become revolted by being covered in cum like she normally would. This was a radical about face. I was so happy she finally came out of her shell. She had proven to be well worth the time and effort it took to develop her passion.
The next day I was giving her reinforcement, you know, the "good girl" speech. However, when I mentioned it, in her typically conservative daytime manner she denied the whole thing. I decided the progress we made the night before was good enough and she probably needed more time and exposure before she could handle talking about it openly. After all, she hadn't spoken a word the night before. I let the matter drop and didn't contradict her denial.
Temple massage and sexy stories soon became regular foreplay because it unlocked her kinky passions, although she remained totally mute while in the submissive slut mode. She lived silently for humiliation, watersports, face slapping, anal sex, nipple torture, bondage, blindfolds, facials, hair pulling and OKT. She became multi orgasmic, anally orgasmic and I could even make her squirt a little bit with nipple stimulation or torture. She became a submissive cum slut and we explored every orifice and appendage with reckless abandon. She was the wildest fuck I had ever had ever known at that young age even though she wouldn't talk about it or admit it.
On a nightly basis our encounters lasted until the early hours of the morning only affording us a few hours sleep at most. I began taking naps in the afternoons and was amazed that she could consistently function on 2-4 hours sleep. After several weeks of this nightlong activity I started asking her about our encounters again and if she was sleeping during the day? Again I was met with total denial. She accused me of lying about what had occurred. She said I was making it up to try and talk her into doing those things by pretending she already had. I dropped the topic presuming this was inline with her not speaking while in slut mode. Some sort of self denial I presumed. I didn't really care because I loved the conservative, intelligent and emotional danita as much as her passionate secret slut alter ego.
Then one night she spoke. I was shocked. I felt she finally admitted to her dark desires and I had a million questions about all the things we had done. I wanted to know what she liked most and what she wanted to do next. However, after few sentences I spoke her name and she told me that she wasn’t danita. You can beat I was pretty dumbfounded and my line of question took a new turn. Was this some new game, some twisted way of maintaining denial by pretending to be someone else? Did she have to pretend to be someone else in order to communicate with me so we could advance the intensity of our sexual explorations?
I asked her name and she said she didn’t have one. She said she was like a "personality fragment". She explained that she was here because danita loved me and couldn’t handle my perverse sexual appetites. Danita didn’t want to lose me. She told me she "came out" because she was the one that could handle those things. I was pretty shocked. I thought I was getting my leg pulled. So I started an intense line of questioning. I learned that when danita was younger, she had a molestation experience that lead to therapy. Although I asked her personality fragment (PF) about it, she would never speak about the details of the molestation. She did tell me all about danita's Gestalt therapist who used to hypnotize her by rubbing her temples. She said he discovered that she had MPD (multiple personality disorder). The split in danita’s personality happen twice before. Once at a very young age and again when she was molested around 12 or 13 years old. Dantia is a beautiful woman with an incredible trim figure that sports a pair of breasts so large custom bras are required. Even at 13 she was quite well endowed. I can see how she could became a predator’s target at such a young age. The PF would never "tell" on the person who molested danita. I had many speculations, including why danita's mom had divorced and remarried but I was grasping at straws.
PF went on to explain that danita didn't know about her or what she did. PF said danita was "sleeping" and explained that it was therapy that allowed PF to be aware of danita and the younger split. PF was the most emotionally capable of the 3 three so the therapist tried working with her by using hypnosis. Although PF was sexually submissive, she was very firm about a variety topics that were taboo and simply refused to speak about them.
Comparatively, danita was emotionally mature but sexually immature and inhibited. PF was sexually mature but emotionally a little brat. If I pushed a topic too far PF would literally "go away" by laying down and going to sleep. One time I shook PF to wake her up and found Danita in her place. That was pretty awkward. I remember danita getting an odd look on her face when she saw the things that were still out on the nightstand, like lube, a bandana and the rope. This was so frustrating for me. I was faced with mysteries that I could not unfold and was having a relationship with opposites trapped within the same body.
In my conversations with PF I learned that in stitching danita's personality back together, the therapist taught PF to separate her sexuality from her conflicting emotions like pride and shame. He taught PF to appreciate her sexual feelings and that they were good. In fact, he eventually started teaching this by fucking PF while danita was hypnotized. Soon he and his wife were both fucking her in the guise of therapy claiming it would teach her that the pleasures of sex were good. It seems to me he failed to do much other than get him and his wife laid by using hypnotism on a minor.
I asked danita's mom about the crooked therapist and for his name only to learn that the entire topic was off limits with here too. I was in a tight spot. Should I tell danita's mom that I had been hypnotizing her daughter so I could tie her and and fuck her in the ass when I accidentally learned about the therapist and other molestations? Didn't danita's mom already know about most these things which was why she sent her to therapy in the first place? Did the therapy stop because mom learned about what had happened? So many questions for man so young.
Danita's mom was an unusual woman. She had a cruel and sadistic edge to her. The first time I learned of it was while eating dinner at their house. Her mom asked me if I wanted chocolate cake for desert. She went on to describe a delicious 3 layer cake that sounded fantastic. When I responded with an enthusiastic "yes, I would love some chocolate cake" her mom said "me too, I wish we had some"... I was an amateur trout in her stream of sadistic whit and I had taken the bait, hook, line and sinker. My diplomatic efforts to learn more about the therapist without telling the sadistic madam of the house I had been hypnotizing and sexually abusing her daughter failed no matter what or how I tried to ask. Mom was pretty smart and she knew something was up but, she never pursued the matter or asked me why I was asking. I never pursued the matter further either.
Had I not been the same as danita's molesters by preying on her faults for my own satisfaction? After all, I was in love with danita by day and in lust with her split by night. Although I didn't know I had been hypnotizing her at first, when I did discover that was what was happening, I didn't stop. She was beautiful to me and I let the relationship(s) continue. I loved both of them. I continued the bizarre and kinky sex rituals by hypnotizing her when ever I wanted to slake my thirst for that sexually submissive cum slut she had hidden away. I tied her up and blindfolded her regularly. I remember cuming profusely in PF's ass once and later the next day danita complained about having a strange bowel movement. She accused me of doing something to her in her sleep. She was right about that.
Eventually I taught the daytime danita to see herself and her beauty through my eyes. I was her mentor and I taught her to be comfortable with her own beauty and nakedness. I finally taught her to fuck with lights on and how to suck cock. I taught her to revel in her beauty, display it proudly, walking tall with chest out and back straight in stead of slouched over with arms folded in front of her chest. She became so striking after she lost her shy body language she turned heads wherever we went. Her beauty and poise were so amazing it even caused a small car accident in the city and made dirt biker wipe out when he stumbled on our remote nude sunbathing spot in the country. When she learned to see herself through my eyes, the shy insecure girl with low self esteem faded. Soon she, and the world, saw her as I did, beautiful and sensual.
If I had to try and put the core of my poly heart in a nutshell, it would come down to the following branch of danita's story. Eventually I met Lori Ross, a delicious French girl who was fully conscious of both her love and lust. Danita and Lori did not know each other although they knew I was dating other people. I sat each of them down and told them that my heart, not just my cock, had extended to include another. Danita said “I love you so much, I cannot bear to share you with another”. Lori said “I love you so much, I would rather share you than lose you”. I chose to be with danita who had seniority. I had made a mistake. I chose wrong. I chose a woman that valued control more than love. Giving up my control like that undermined the core of our relationship and eventually it failed. Thus my first advanced lesson in love was learned in my teens. I have tried not to make that mistake again in both choosing lovers and in being one.
Danita, her split, lori, my bad choice and that lesson is ingrained on my soul. I believe it is the root of my perspectives on jealousy. I believe this is why I am able to successfully conduct poly relationships. After all, danita was a poly all wrapped up in one. In a relationship, I look at what exchange is on my plate not someone else’s. I can still get jealous. I just don’t get angry, resentful or destructive about it. I handle it constructively, gather information and take action to adjust my perspective or theirs. If someone doesn’t know they are making you jealous, they didn’t mean to hurt you did they? Once everyone is aware, if it continues or is deliberate, that shows if they have your well being at heart or not.
I am grateful for my time with danita and the lessons we learned about love and passion. Although I didn't mention it this story, daytime danita and I shared intense romantic love and some pretty and passionate sex. I recall a decadent and romantic time when we were in my limo parked in the rain at a state park. I had brought flowers, Champaign and all the good things you could ever want at a picnic. I didn't let the rain stop us, I drove to a remote spot and set everything up in the back seat, including the flowers. It looked like something from a movie. We drank, fed each other and made passionate love. In the blissful aftermath, there came a tapping at the window. I gave danita my shirt and pulled on my pants. Then I rolled the window shade up and the window down 2 inches to see a park ranger. He told me I wasn't allowed to park there and then while scanning the interior, he saw the wine and asked our ages and for ID. I pointed out that we weren't fully dressed and noted our IDs were in the front seat. I knew hadn't seen us drinking but it was obvious we were both young. I appealed to his sense of romance to ignore the ID and let us get dressed and leave in peace. He scanned the interior again stopping to gaze at the huge double bouquet of flowers, the card, the Champaign, what was left of the chicken cordon blue, the caviar, spinach dip and blue corn chips. Peering through the crack in the window I saw him get a funny look in his eye. Then he said that he would make us a deal. His partner was in the car and he said that if we let his partner come and see all this, he would not only let us leave in peace but that we could stay as long as we left before dark. The deal was struck, the rain had decreased to a light drizzle and I rolled down all the windows in the limo so they could see how this classic 1967 Cadillac limo was decked out both front and back. It was a very nice car. It had previously been Mitch Ryder’s and in 1967 he was pretty well off financially after his hits Jenny Take A Ride, Little Latin Lupe Lu and Devil With A Blue Dress On. The copiously adorned rock n' roll limo reflected it well and the rangers seemed quite impressed. Soon they left and we renewed our romantic encounter.
This was just one a many romantic adventures daytime and I had. I truly loved her and PF, her nighttime slut twin. I enjoyed them both equally. Between the 2 halves, I had a completely fulfilling relationship that served all my needs. It truly was a one woman poly. She (they) helped make me who I am today. I hope that over the years she has learned to merge the seething passion she has hidden with her conservative side. Collectively, her capacity for love, passion and submission would make some monogamous Dom very happy.
Over the years, danita and I lost contact for the most part. We remain friends and speak occasionally. Long after we had broken up I mentioned the midnight episodes and asked her if she had been pulling my leg. She denied that it had ever occurred. She accused me of flirting with her by still trying to get her to do that stuff. The last time we talked was in 2005.
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