The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices

The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (Full Version)

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Daes -> The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 3:58:25 PM)
What are your experiences? (Specifically with situations involving the lifestyle) Is there anything we can do as a community to bring more attention to these problems? No one can deny that the community does have its rotten apples. I'm just bringing this topic up because I've been thinking about a lot of the things I've personally seen and heard, a bunch of horror stories, whether its rape, playing while drunk, unhealthy forms of control, or unsafe play and practices. Now there's a small dungeon that doesnt clean their play areas. You have blood play and cutting at this club, a group of people that have Herpes that go there, and they don't SANITIZE the areas where blood is spilt. I made a comment about this to a friend of mine who goes there and says something to the equivalent of "What do you need more than rubbing alcohol?" Can you imagine what could happen if you have someone there interested in blood sports that doesnt realize they have HIV and the staff at this club does not clean up the play areas? I mean really. I had a friend of mine that was horrified that his Mistress would kill him if he tried leaving her, she was a psycopath that had slowly gained unlimited access to his house, and was deathly scared of calling the police for fear of what she would do to him. I tried telling him to change the locks, call the police and get a restraining order... I offered him as much help as I could and now I dont know where he is or what happened. I have a friend who is a Domme that has had to "rehabilitate" some of her submissive friends that found themselves with violent/abusive "doms". I know this kind of thing isn't "running rampant" throughout the community, I just wondered if anyone wanted to share cause the ugly side of the lifestyle is pretty damned ugly.

angelikaJ -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 4:05:43 PM)
The ugly side of any interpersonal relationship is ugly. BDSM has nothing to do with it. BDSM has nothing to do with clubs that don't have a clue (or just don't care) about bloodborne pathogens, nor does it have anything to do with the people who choose to play there. BDSM has nothing to do with sociopaths, nor predators. What can we as a community do about it? Educate and communicate.

JonnieBoy -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 4:09:53 PM)
That's pretty much what was on my mind too. Pirate

playfulotter -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 5:34:15 PM)
me too....

kallisto -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 6:00:01 PM)
There is an ugly side to life in general. People are abused every day that don't have a thing to do with BDSM. There are rapes that happen every day to men and women of all ages, weights, heights, race, etc. There are people that have HIV that sleep with others and never tell a soul. There are unsafe sexual practices throughout all of mankind. What I'm getting at is, I don't think it has anything to do with BDSM. It's the people themselves doing the abusing, unsafe practices, etc. They would be doing those things whether involved in BDSM or not. I'm not much into using the term "lifestyle", but it's not the lifestyle ... it's the people doing those things.

LadyPact -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 6:01:22 PM)
quote: Now there's a small dungeon that doesnt clean their play areas. You have blood play and cutting at this club, a group of people that have Herpes that go there, and they don't SANITIZE the areas where blood is spilt. I made a comment about this to a friend of mine who goes there and says something to the equivalent of "What do you need more than rubbing alcohol?" I'm in CA and would be more than happy to go with you to any dungeon that was supporting unsafe practices so I can speak with them. Contact Me on the other side and we will make an arrangement.

DavanKael -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 6:15:48 PM)
Daes said: Now there's a small dungeon that doesnt clean their play areas. You have blood play and cutting at this club, a group of people that have Herpes that go there, and they don't SANITIZE the areas where blood is spilt. I made a comment about this to a friend of mine who goes there and says something to the equivalent of "What do you need more than rubbing alcohol?" Can you imagine what could happen if you have someone there interested in blood sports that doesnt realize they have HIV and the staff at this club does not clean up the play areas? I mean really. My reply: That would seem like some sort of health code violation. And, why on Earth would you go somewhere like that? Davan

antipode -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 6:19:08 PM)
quote: if anyone wanted to share cause the ugly side of the lifestyle is pretty damned ugly. The ugly side of anything ugly is ugly. Is this supposed to be earth shattering?

DomImus -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 6:33:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Daes I know this kind of thing isn't "running rampant" throughout the community All the more reason not to resort to unnecessary hand wringing over it.

littlewonder -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 6:35:21 PM)
If it were me...I wouldn't go to such clubs. From the posts you've written they just sound lame and just plain old gross. And I would probably start looking closer at the types of people I befriend who seem to always been in some kind of situation or drama.

pompeii -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 10:02:04 PM)
D/s is no different than any other relationship with respect to the potential for abuse.

NihilusZero -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 10:08:26 PM)
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." ~Dread Pirate Westley

Esinn -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 10:08:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Daes What are your experiences? (Specifically with situations involving the lifestyle) Is there anything we can do as a community to bring more attention to these problems? No one can deny that the community does have its rotten apples. I'm just bringing this topic up because I've been thinking about a lot of the things I've personally seen and heard, a bunch of horror stories, whether its rape, playing while drunk, unhealthy forms of control, or unsafe play and practices. Now there's a small dungeon that doesnt clean their play areas. You have blood play and cutting at this club, a group of people that have Herpes that go there, and they don't SANITIZE the areas where blood is spilt. I made a comment about this to a friend of mine who goes there and says something to the equivalent of "What do you need more than rubbing alcohol?" Can you imagine what could happen if you have someone there interested in blood sports that doesnt realize they have HIV and the staff at this club does not clean up the play areas? I mean really. I had a friend of mine that was horrified that his Mistress would kill him if he tried leaving her, she was a psycopath that had slowly gained unlimited access to his house, and was deathly scared of calling the police for fear of what she would do to him. I tried telling him to change the locks, call the police and get a restraining order... I offered him as much help as I could and now I dont know where he is or what happened. I have a friend who is a Domme that has had to "rehabilitate" some of her submissive friends that found themselves with violent/abusive "doms". I know this kind of thing isn't "running rampant" throughout the community, I just wondered if anyone wanted to share cause the ugly side of the lifestyle is pretty damned ugly. You had another post like this. It was a hypothetical situation that ended real?

LordDarkPleasure -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/18/2009 10:18:53 PM)
An awesome person is more awesome in a BDSM context. An horrible person is more horrible in a BDSM context. Wanting to have greater sensations, physical or mental, comes with a risk

aldompdx -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/19/2009 1:49:35 AM)
I define "BDSM" to require SSC, RACK, SSICK (safe sane informed consensual kink) by definition. What you describe is outside of "BDSM." It is civilly or criminally actionable as a breach of law or legal duty. Call a spade a spade. Call a criminal a criminal (or tortfeasor). Do not validate their behavior by calling them a participant in the BDSM lifestyle. Even "alternative" has limits, just as every person has limits. Life is love. Follow your bliss, not their pain. LDP: Nicely said.

Beneathhumanity -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/19/2009 2:08:56 AM)
In any Relationship there is the good along side with the bad aspects, you can't really tell before hand what may be good or bad, all you can do is communicate what you want and walk away if it truly gets bad enough. Some times its harder to read the signs when it goes from bee ssc to being abusive, but I do know that I can always walk away when I want, being its the choice that I make when submitting to the relationship. I agree with those who said that any relationship can involve abuse,rape and the ugly side, being I've had bad experiences with Vanilla as well as BDSM, the only thing you can really do is be careful and as safe as you can manage. Normally rushing off and meeting a stranger,offline without knowing the situation fully often leads to the ugly side, being I've learned those interested in getting to know me will take the time on here to learn who I am, usually the bad types are those who either just rush thigs. I've found it from past mistakes to use my mind before meeting, therefore a situation doesn't become ugly.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/19/2009 2:23:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LordDarkPleasure An awesome person is more awesome in a BDSM context. An horrible person is more horrible in a BDSM context. Wanting to have greater sensations, physical or mental, comes with a risk clarifier To people also in the BDSM context* And BDSM doesnt = greater

suzybeth -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/19/2009 2:24:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." ~Dread Pirate Westley Just for the record I LOVE that movie. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.[;)]

Aanakaris -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/19/2009 4:57:44 AM)
Education and communication are key. Predators seek the ignorant. I knew a lovely young girl who really wanted to submit and get involved but was too shy to seek munches or even really forums. She hooked up with an aggressive man who acted very seductive. Once he had her tied he nearly beat her to death, fucked her with a rolling pin so hard she required surgery, and left her in the hotel room basically to die. The cleaning service found her and now she's terrified of BD/SM and hotels. Was this man a Dom or Master? No, that just happened to be his feeding grounds. I always caution everyone to make several safe appointments and have back up when meeting new people. 99% are probably fine but that 1% is scary. This includes Doms. I had a personal experience where a submissive woman I had just met flipped out for unknown reasons and knifed me. Makes conversation interesting when somebody asks where that scar came from. Be safe is key. If a person you meet online is unwilling to meet in public, unwilling to go to a club, unwilling to make even the most basic concessions to be safe, move on. Also, for the unsafe club mentioned. Rubbing alcohol will NOT kill every blood borne pathogen out there, neither will bleach. HIV is relatively easy to destroy, but Hepatitis is not and prion diseases resist all but extremely caustic cleaners. A safe club will use a variety of medical cleaners in any area where any body fluids are likely to be spilt. Just in case, it's not a bad idea to carry some bottles of disinfectant of your own. Even a good club can miss spots and some people are not aware of their infectious state. Again caution is good.

RCdc -> RE: The UGLY Side of BDSM - Abuse, Rape, and Unsafe Practices (8/19/2009 5:27:52 AM)
It's nothing to do with the lifestyle or BDSM. It's to do with people as a whole. If someone is going to have poor hygiene, they will have it regardless of where they go. If someone is psychotic, they will be so regardless of their orientation. My advice to you would be to work out why you seem to be 'friends' or attract/attracted to people with such drama in their life and focus on what you can do to make your personal environment much better. the.dark.

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