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How to tell people - 8/21/2009 5:32:22 PM

rose1985

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/19/2009
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This crossed my mind when I got an email from a friend on this site. She asked if any of my friends knew about my tendencies, and the answer is no. But it got me thinking. I do have some good friends, who I could trust, but how do I share my kinks without coming across like a complete freak? Any advice?

Post #: 1

RE: How to tell people - 8/21/2009 5:48:56 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Right now, you're single and don't need to explain. After you hook up with a Dominant woman, you can say things like, "Aftera full day at work, it's great to have Suzy take charge", "I appreciate how she watches over me.", etc. You just phrase her taking control in vanilla terms.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to rose1985)

Post #: 2

RE: How to tell people - 8/21/2009 5:56:15 PM

spokanesub85

Posts: 46
Joined: 7/27/2009
Status: offline

I've been struggling with this for several years. I was in the military for five years, where almost any sexual kink you can think of (although they may be against some outdated, rarely enforced rules) will not get you ostracized (as long as you are not gay, that is) and yet I never told any of my friends, except once when I was really drunk, I told my two best friend's wives. Oddly enough, neither of them thought that it was that weird. I was deeply in love with a vanilla girl and could not bring myself to tell her. Now I'm in college, where literally anything goes, and I still do not tell people. I'm generally outgoing, not really a shy person by any measure, and tend to shock my friends with the kind of jokes I tell and things I say to get a laugh, yet I cannot bring myself to tell people that I prefer to be dominated by women, both in and out of the bedroom.

(in reply to rose1985)

Post #: 3

RE: How to tell people - 8/21/2009 6:11:33 PM

Eivarden

Posts: 101
Joined: 4/15/2009
Status: offline

With how I joke around, the very select few I have told about my interests, think they are all part of my jokes.

Personally, I'd rather they think I am joking.

I'm not too open about my interests.
And to remain safe, it will stay that way.

I'd suggest jokes, to test their reactions, but then again, if they are not taking you seriously, then they might act differently, than how they would, had you came to them seriously.

Sorry I wasn't much help. ^^

< Message edited by Eivarden -- 8/21/2009 6:14:02 PM >

(in reply to spokanesub85)

Post #: 4

RE: How to tell people - 8/21/2009 7:38:12 PM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

I recommend telling only if it's necessary. Only one of my vanilla friends knows the full story. And I had a very good reason for telling her.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to rose1985)

Post #: 5

RE: How to tell people - 8/21/2009 11:19:27 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi.

We've always found the best way is to wait until a person comes to us and tell us they like it and are into it too. Nobody likes rejection so why tell someone who might not understand. Associate with people who understand you and love you the way you are.

Hope this helps.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to slavekal)

Post #: 6

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 1:34:26 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

We made the choice to tell some good friends with whom we spent a lot of time simply so we could be ourselves around them and not have them wondering what was going on. This is how we did it:
1. We said there was something we would like to share with them IF THEY WERE WILLING TO HEAR IT
If they weren't (and one couple said so), didn't proceed. If they were:
2. We said that we valued their friendship enough to want to share this with them, and explained that it was so we wouldn't be hiding ourselves from them. We trusted in them enough to reveal ourselves. We also said we would be willing to answer any of their questions once we'd done the basic explanation.
3. We then talked more about the D/s stuff than about the "whips'n'chains" stuff, emphasizing the trust, strength of character to submit, leadership skills to Dominate etc. And that it was a voluntary power exchange.

Inevitably this led to lots of interested questions and a great conversation. Most could see there was power exchange in any r'ship, just that usually it's under the table instead of on top of it. And often power gets wrested back and forth, whereas the D/s made clear which way it was to go. None of the people we told had a fit, none of them changed the way they dealt with us, and when I'm back in that city, still see them a lot. Stayed with one couple last time I was there. All said they respected that it was difficult to have shared that, and acknowledged it made them feel special that we did. It took those friendships to new levels.

I think the key is to pick the people you tell wisely and thoughtfully ... and don't just blurt it out. Also none of them are in a position where knowing could create an ethical dilemma for them. For eg, no matter how well I get on with My boss, no way would I breathe a word while they are still in that position. In the roles we are in, that would place undue burden on them. So choose those you think can handle it and whom you respect and trust. Otherwise, you could be sorry!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)

Post #: 7

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 1:45:32 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

For me, if my ma was still alive, it would go something like.........
me: ma, meet cindy (whatever) she worships my genitalia like it is the last cock she'll ever eat, and I like that.
ma: can she cook?
me: ya, not like you.
ma: you need some food, let me send something home with you.
me: ma, I weigh two fucking hundred pounds for fuck sake, like I need to eat all the shit you wanna send with me
ma: do you need a vibrator or some of them 'german' magazines?
me: no, I'm good ma
ma: love you
me: love you

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 8

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 2:44:47 AM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spokanesub85

I've been struggling with this for several years. I was in the military for five years, where almost any sexual kink you can think of (although they may be against some outdated, rarely enforced rules) will not get you ostracized (as long as you are not gay, that is) and yet I never told any of my friends, except once when I was really drunk, I told my two best friend's wives. Oddly enough, neither of them thought that it was that weird. I was deeply in love with a vanilla girl and could not bring myself to tell her. Now I'm in college, where literally anything goes, and I still do not tell people. I'm generally outgoing, not really a shy person by any measure, and tend to shock my friends with the kind of jokes I tell and things I say to get a laugh, yet I cannot bring myself to tell people that I prefer to be dominated by women, both in and out of the bedroom.

Dear One,

You do not need to tell "people" you need only tell the woman you wish to be dominated by...true? Only a handful of people need to know my status, therefore only a handful of people do.

(edited for typo)

< Message edited by Cloudz -- 8/22/2009 2:47:44 AM >

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to spokanesub85)

Post #: 9

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 3:43:58 AM

islandgyrl

Posts: 37
Joined: 9/8/2008
Status: offline

You may want to ask yourself why you feel the need to share this part of yourself. Is there someone in your circle of friends that you desire?

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 10

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 3:59:18 AM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

My friends are at peace without that kind of information. I'm positive the first response would be "that explains a lot!! Telling them serves very little purpose.

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to islandgyrl)

Post #: 11

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 6:28:10 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

I follow the 'need to know' way of thinking. I have one very good friend who knows everything about me...and I her. She was the first person I opened up to. I have a male friend who, in the past, was a safe call so he knew some of what I was into...not all. I don't, however, feel a need to wear a sign advertising my lifestyle choices. Tell those you feel need to know, only when YOU feel its necessary.
As for coming across as a freak....Oh gosh, they knew that about me a loooong time ago!

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to rose1985)

Post #: 12

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 7:50:54 AM

gentlemanprince

Posts: 127
Joined: 5/19/2008
Status: offline

Many Dommes naturally are so assertive in all their relationships that there is no really need to tell others. Their would only be surprise if she were not running the show. Thus, MsFlutter's "that explains a lot" comment.

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 13

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 7:58:25 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

I have told a few friends and each of my siblings know. I did not share details but told them simply that I identified with alternative relationship expressions and threw the word fetishes (it's more neutral than sadism or masochism) in there. The benefit is that I don't have to hide things (why I was always off with these other friends they never get to meet) like I did, and I like to think that knowing I am into fetishes might have helped break some stereotypes. This type of collective coming out is what helped grow the acceptance of homosexuality.

So there is benefit to be had. It is for each person to weigh the benefit against potential costs.

As for more ideas for how to do it, there is plenty of literature for how to come out for those who are gay. I think the fundamental ideas from that literature will also be useful to BDSMers.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to gentlemanprince)

Post #: 14

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 8:51:39 AM

spokanesub85

Posts: 46
Joined: 7/27/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cloudz

quote:

ORIGINAL: spokanesub85

I've been struggling with this for several years. I was in the military for five years, where almost any sexual kink you can think of (although they may be against some outdated, rarely enforced rules) will not get you ostracized (as long as you are not gay, that is) and yet I never told any of my friends, except once when I was really drunk, I told my two best friend's wives. Oddly enough, neither of them thought that it was that weird. I was deeply in love with a vanilla girl and could not bring myself to tell her. Now I'm in college, where literally anything goes, and I still do not tell people. I'm generally outgoing, not really a shy person by any measure, and tend to shock my friends with the kind of jokes I tell and things I say to get a laugh, yet I cannot bring myself to tell people that I prefer to be dominated by women, both in and out of the bedroom.

Dear One,

You do not need to tell "people" you need only tell the woman you wish to be dominated by...true? Only a handful of people need to know my status, therefore only a handful of people do.

(edited for typo)

I guess you're right, but I'd like to be able to discuss with my friends the things I'm into, or be able to find a woman I could be happy with in a more traditional manner, instead of having to look on websites because their the only place where I will know upfront if a woman is into the same things as me.

(in reply to Cloudz)

Post #: 15

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 9:00:42 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spokanesub85
I guess you're right, but I'd like to be able to discuss with my friends the things I'm into, or be able to find a woman I could be happy with in a more traditional manner, instead of having to look on websites because their the only place where I will know upfront if a woman is into the same things as me.

I agree with your point that limiting self to websites limits pool of potential partners. Indeed, people knowing about your interest in BDSM creates one other avenue and when you begin the network of friends you relatively have a head start on establishing social commonality. I have had one case where I dated a woman who was intrigued to hear at a semi-vanilla party (host was kinky, crowd was artists, musicians and the like) that I was arranging a fetish night. I rely on judgment for what to say in which circles.

One other benefit of being out to select people is that you might have an ally in some situations. I had a trip to visit my brother's inlaws in California. I timed the trip around a fetish night there and he helped cover for me when I went to attend the event.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to spokanesub85)

Post #: 16

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 12:40:27 PM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

That's right folks... you heard it right.

Come out when you want to develop some kinky allies!

:P

I'm sorry but I have the tendency to tell the truth... and make everyone feel really uncomfortable.

My family knows I am a special little cup of kinkiness. I don't go around yelling "I AM A SLAVE-SLUT" or anything like that.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 17

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 3:06:35 PM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Basically, the whole world doesn't need to know what people do behind closed doors - Regardless. If all someone does is straight up, vanilla, man on top of woman, missionary style on Tuesday afternoons with the doors locked and windows shuttered, that's their business. Generally, as mentioned before, if it's someone I think might share my views, I tend to jokingly mention "But then... I'm a little kinky." Most of my friends do that big fake super shocked "NOoooo! I would have never guessed that about YOU!" thing. Those who tend to give off a truely uncomfortable vibe, I always have the out that I run a costume shop and a haunted house... therefore it's perfectly logical that I have corsets, whips, chains and a fully functional electric chair.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 18

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 3:09:52 PM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

Do you seriously run a costume shop and haunted house?!

I tend to be a blathermouth.

Don't ever tell me a secret, and don't ever put me in a situation where I have to lie.

I will tell the truth.

< Message edited by pyroaquatic -- 8/22/2009 3:42:07 PM >

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 19

RE: How to tell people - 8/22/2009 3:55:42 PM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Actually, I used to run a charity haunt, now we just do a huge, free neighborhood thing. More fun, less hassle.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 20

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