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sunshinemiss -> RE: Are you a booty call? (9/13/2009 6:44:26 AM)
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Hello folks,
Well here I am being serious. Jeesh it happens so much.
We all want to be loved, to belong, to enjoy life. But sometimes the big relationship isn't there, and after awhile of emptiness, you just NEED a little fix. Whatever that fix is, of course, depends on the person.
During my 20's and 30's I was wildly sexual. I had a chart to keep track of all the men I was fucking (honest, a real chart). Sex was like going to the movies. It was fun, and I enjoyed it, but I didn't need it cause there was so much available. And then I met the love of my life. He was on the chart, he was just another guy. Somehow all the other men just kind of dropped off the chart. I would rather have been talking with him than fucking the other guys. He made me want to convert to Catholicism (seriously). I would have rather made him a cup of tea and sit with him while he worked and I read than anything else. How fulfillingly joyous that time was! After that relationship ended - very lovingly by the way - I didn't ever want another booty call. It seemed so empty for me. I wanted love again.
And then I went to Peru. Sigh. Swoon. Ohhhh lord did I sow my wild oats! I had a great time, I danced to my heart's content, had wonderful one night stands - or several nights - and felt beautiful! I loved all of them. Right then, in that moment I loved those men. But it never lasted. Some would call it a booty call, but I had an emotional attachment, and that is a line for me about booty calls. If I care about them, it's not a booty call. So, I had fun and a lot of passion.
And then I went to Korea. Sigh. Blech. I was invisible, noone ever touched me - as in pat my hand, slap me on the back, hugs, NOTHING. I felt like I was dying for touch. This phrase came to me at that time: When you are starving, you will eat dirt. That's how I felt. I was desperate for touch and all of a sudden booty calls didn't seem so bad. Yes, I became one. At the end of my year there, one of my students *I taught adults* came to my home and we chatted and laughed. I'd always liked him. He was sweet and smart and caring and had a depth that I didn't often witness in Korea. (It may be there, I just didn't have the opportunity to witness it). He stayed at my apartment one night and we kissed, touched, never had sex, but we were very physical in a gentle way. He healed that lost, starving part of me. Thank goodness!
If we are starving, we will eat dirt. And sometimes we find a wonderful hidden treasure.
Am I a booty call? When I have to be. Do I want to be? No. I want the love that I had with my wonderful Catholic lover. I want the intimacy I had with my wonderful Korean. But when these things are not there, when I don't have the touch that I need to feed my spirit, yes, I will do that.
Well wishes,
sunshine
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