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Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 8:41:01 PM   
autoRelease


Posts: 69
Joined: 6/22/2009
Status: offline 		My first involvement in BDSM was joining this site.  It's been two months now and I haven't done a single thing to try and get a partner.  I haven't searched profiles.  I don't even go into the scene-y chat rooms. (I have received e-mails, but not from anyone even remotely close enough to me).  There is a  local club that has munches, but I can't seem to get around to going.  It's not that I'm scared, I just don't see much point in it.  Most people don't want what I have to give, so my chances of finding a local partner are almost nil. I knew that would be a problem when I first decided to pursue this but thought I would try it anyway. But now... Meh. Just meh.

And that's pretty much my life story when it comes to relationships and sex. I just don't want romance badly enough to actually work on it. If an opportunity for a relationship doesn't fall in my lap, it's just too much bother. As much as there are some things about our relationship I like, I'm also perfectly happy being single. And since being single doesn't require me to do anything special, it's my default mode.

None of this is new to me. It's something I've realized for years now.  My question is how all this comes across in the BDSM community. I get the impression from people here that someone like me would be considered a faker or a scammer. On the off chance that somebody suitable does come along, I would like to know how to avoid giving that impression.


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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 8:45:17 PM   
Mistress4Gurls


Posts: 34
Joined: 5/26/2009
Status: offline 		Perhaps if you appeared to give a crap about the person that drops in your lap?



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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 8:52:14 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'll give you credit.  At least you're being honest about it.  Now, if I can ask just one more thing?

If nobody does fall into your lap, don't come back and create a post to complain about it. 


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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 9:01:07 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If you're happy being single then why are you so concerned with what others are thinking about you?

Just put in your profile that you're not seeking, not trying and don't care and you're happy being single...but are you really? Being you made this post I'm suspecting you may not be as much as you think or say.

Have you ever thought maybe you may have depression? Classic sign is not being motivated.

Just a thought.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 9:01:44 PM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		Well, face it, not many of us here are out canvasing the local community, or the web-community for that matter, to find what we seek.  We are, most of us, going to find it when it falls in our laps.  That has been my experience and the experience of most folks I know.  I did not find my wife by making a list of desired traits and then looking for someone that matched those requirements.  I simply congregated with like-minded people, and hoped for the best. 

That is what we are doing here, most of us. Perhaps someone will write Me a note about something I have posted, and that will spark a conversation, which might lead to a friendship or more.  And most likely, if everything should click, it is still going to feel like it fell in my lap.

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 8/25/2009 9:03:03 PM >

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 9:05:05 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: autoRelease

It's not that I'm scared, I just don't see much point in it.  Most people don't want what I have to give, so my chances of finding a local partner are almost nil. I knew that would be a problem when I first decided to pursue this but thought I would try it anyway. But now... Meh. Just meh.

And that's pretty much my life story when it comes to relationships and sex. I just don't want romance badly enough to actually work on it. If an opportunity for a relationship doesn't fall in my lap, it's just too much bother. As much as there are some things about our relationship I like, I'm also perfectly happy being single. And since being single doesn't require me to do anything special, it's my default mode.



you're asking a question you already know the answer to. if the very traits and negative outlook did little to help you outside of this community, why would the experience be markedly different merely because we're kinky? just because i like having my ass spanked and enjoy being owned doesn't mean my standard is lowered, more forgiving, understanding, compromising, or any of the other nonsense people come here thinking when they're looking for someone.

you're dealing with people with their own set of quirks, ideals, and preferences. it would seem that your ho hum attitude would serve to hinder you from having the very relationship you unconvincingly profess to be uninterested in obtaining.

porcelaine


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His will; my fate.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 9:34:55 PM   
Aanakaris


Posts: 310
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		I'd be more apathetic, but I just don't care...

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I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
-- Dr. Seuss

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 9:52:20 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

 I'd be more apathetic, but I just don't care... 






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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 9:58:33 PM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline 		Am I the only one who the word (I really dont want to qualify it as a word) Meh, meh rubs them entirely the wrong way? Yikes, nails on the chalkboard.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 10:41:34 PM   
YoursMistress


Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline 		hmm.  I am just scratching the surface of real life BDSM, after almost a year of virtual, and I'm kind of torn.  First, I haven't yet extricated myself from the house that my new ex and I share, so I have some serious financial and social constraints to work with.   Second, real life is so much more intense and complex, I'm not completely committed or certain.  I had to revise my profile to indicate the current lack of seriousness in my "search".  Sometimes it makes me feel like a faker, but I'm trying to be as open and honest as my fearful little heart and mind will allow. 

I will say that I have had tremendous positive feedback from real people here, and feel encouraged by it.  Hopefully I will one day be able to dip my toes a least a little deeper into the water here.  Good luck to you. 

yours


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May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/25/2009 11:47:52 PM   
TearsofLove92


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/6/2009
Status: offline 		What exactly are you "offering" that nobody wants in terms of relationship and sex?

Also, if you don't care enough to put effort into finding somebody, chances are you shouldn't be with anyone, which would in turn make you another "just browsing" person on this website, and there are enough of those as is.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 12:55:51 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		i read your profile and would guess that the 'market' for who you are and what you want is indeed somewhat limited... some people are less lucky finding their partner than others... it is good you are happy to be by yourself but you can do way more to have a bit of fun

To increase your chances you have to be more positive about being more lucky and also believe that you actually desreve that... everybody who responded to you here are spot on, your attidude in your post is uncaring and depressed

If your market is limited where you live then book a holiday sometime to a more 'exotic' place like San Fransisco or Amsterdam

Do something arty for a hobby.... you like dancing, join a dance class or group or drama club

Also a game of cyber is very lovely to play and get your juices flowing

Don't waste your own time, you life only once, stop moaning

good luck

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 1:17:18 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		edited



< Message edited by ranja -- 8/26/2009 1:19:44 AM >

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 2:24:30 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: autoRelease
It's not that I'm scared, I just don't see much point in it.  Most people don't want what I have to give, so my chances of finding a local partner are almost nil.


The difficulty is that the above has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You do not believe that many people will want what you have to offer and by taking yourself totally off the radar by not going to local events and not contacting anyone here guess what, you are right, your chances of finding a local partner are not almost nil, they are nil.

I wouldn't consider you a faker or scammer but instead would wonder if fear is holding you back from taking those first steps, and I think many here can relate to that initial fear.

How about you start by looking for some friends first, people whom you can talk with and meet for coffee and just talk about bdsm with and as you feel more motivated and confident expand your search.

I hope everything goes well for you, you are a good looking guy with a nice smile and you are honest in your profile so you are already three for three


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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 5:08:30 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

quote:

ORIGINAL: autoRelease
It's not that I'm scared, I just don't see much point in it.  Most people don't want what I have to give, so my chances of finding a local partner are almost nil.


The difficulty is that the above has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You do not believe that many people will want what you have to offer and by taking yourself totally off the radar by not going to local events and not contacting anyone here guess what, you are right, your chances of finding a local partner are not almost nil, they are nil.

I wouldn't consider you a faker or scammer but instead would wonder if fear is holding you back from taking those first steps, and I think many here can relate to that initial fear.

How about you start by looking for some friends first, people whom you can talk with and meet for coffee and just talk about bdsm with and as you feel more motivated and confident expand your search.

I hope everything goes well for you, you are a good looking guy with a nice smile and you are honest in your profile so you are already three for three



Agreed.


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Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 7:12:00 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartcream

Am I the only one who the word (I really dont want to qualify it as a word) Meh, meh rubs them entirely the wrong way? Yikes, nails on the chalkboard.


You are probably not the only person with those feelings but I actually like the word. It does a very good job of filling in a place where I might need a dozen or more to explain instead.

As for the OP, with a different feel about it, it's not far from my opinion. I kinda like my life the way it is, for the most part.

I do not NEED another person to be fulfilled and happy. Would I like to have a sub/slave around? Maybe. It depends upon the sub/slave. The odds of there being a woman out there, that interests me, and is interested in me, that will fit well into my life and home are definitely slim.

I have priorities, people, activities, etc. in my life, that many do not have. It isn't an easy fit for everyone. I understand that. What I do know, is that if the right woman comes along, she will fit perfectly. She will become one of those priorities, people, activities, etc.....in my life. Until then, I am enjoying and loving what I do have. I am not putting my life on hold, to go hunting for the unicorn. If my happy little farm entices her, awesome.


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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 8:08:52 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I actually just did have a playpartner "fall into my lap" effortlessly! However, I still had to get out there in my local community, and put myself out there a bit. We have a ladies' get-together, and since I've only played with other women who had approached me or who were part of a couple who approached me, I asked for advice on how to go about it. I think men tend to handle it differently from women, so I asked them, rather than my Master. It turned out that one of the ladies happened to be interested, so afterward, she approached me, said so, and gave me her contact info. I've known her for a few months. She's smart, funny, confident, and I enjoy hanging out with her, so I'm far more comfortable with jumping into play fairly quickly than if she were a complete stranger. The chances of winning the lottery may be miniscule, but if you don't get your ticket and *try*, you're guaranteed not to find the lady you're looking for.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 8:16:52 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I don't know how it comes across to the community as a whole but how it comes across to Me.... if you can't be arsed, then I can't be arsed to be interested. Don't know you, don't care and frankly with your attitude you'd suck at a relationship anyhow. Hasta la vista!

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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 8:31:36 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: autoRelease

Most people don't want what I have to give, 




What do you have to give?

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RE: Not motivated? Too picky? Something else? - 8/26/2009 10:18:37 AM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

quote:

ORIGINAL: autoRelease

Most people don't want what I have to give, 




What do you have to give?


That was my question too.  After looking at the OP's profile, I still wasn't sure.  OP, lots of experience isn't required, but you do need a clear picture of who you are, the sort of person you'd like to meet, and the type of relationship you'd like to have.  If you can't be bothered to figure out those things, no one is going to define them for you. 

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