shaken not stirred.

shaken not stirred. (Full Version)

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sexisubi -> shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 8:54:25 AM)
so recently i met a Dom on CM that is awesome, we get along really well and hes planning on coming out here for business and we are going to get together. My roommate and best friend, and her boyfriend, recently saw this website and knows i have been talking to this person on the phone often and online. they have kind of been giving me shit for it, saying that its not a good idea but most of the time i go 'alright, ok, alright, thats fine, understand, thanks for looking out, blah blah blah. she expressed some concern for me meeting him and i know shes looking out for me, and i mean online you never know what youre going to meet. however i feel really comfortable with him and i worry that my friend might be very upset if i met him in person. i feel like if i tell him that they have concerns he would be concerned, and possibly hurt, but i dont think their concerns will prevent me from seeing him when he comes down. i guess my question is should i tell him? should i try and be more informitive about what im looking for and why im on this website in the first place? how do i make her and her boyfriend (we are all pretty close) more comfortable about the meeting and about the website?

marie2 -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 9:04:27 AM)
Why do you feel obligated to make your friends more comfortable about the meeting? If I were you, I'd go with my instincts and not the instincts of your friends, even if they're well-intentioned. Further, I don't see any reason to tell the dom about this. How are you expecting him to react? Should he have to bend over backwards to convince your roomate and her partner of anything? They are complete strangers to him. Make your own decisions (or possibly mistakes), this way they are your own experiences (good or bad) and not the experiences that someone else would have.

AnimusRex -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 9:10:22 AM)
Yes, if I were in His place, I would be very comfortable knowing yoru friends worried about you meeting a Man from online. We have to accept that no matter how nice and sane people seem, there is always the chance they could be dangerous- I would never ever ask to meet someone without them taking common sense precautions- like meeting in a public place, or establishing real names and numbers, etc. If I were in His place I would be happy to have your friends join us for a casual dinner, as an icebreaker and way to establish trust. Your friends may never get warm to the notion of BDSM; but at least they can get to know the guy and verify for themselves that he isn't some nut job. I wish you well.

sexisubi -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 9:11:43 AM)
makes sense to me. i guess it just made me feel uncomfortable about everything cause they were uncomfortable with everything. but you're right... who cares. lol thanks =) im gonna delete this post in a moment i just wanted another persons opinion.

marie2 -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 9:14:44 AM)
I don't mean to imply a "who cares" attitude. I'm just saying that it's your life, and while it might be nice to reassure your friends, it starts to get sticky when you (generic) start making decisions based on someone else's fears, concerns etc, instead of your own. Anyway, best of luck with the meeting.

mnottertail -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 9:16:29 AM)
LOLOLOLOL, The friends you have now at 24 will not be the friends you have the rest of your life, most likely, it is a passing fancy, is all, to accomodate them. PS.....Marie; my heart is aching....Marie

RealSub58 -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 9:17:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AnimusRex Yes, if I were in His place, I would be very comfortable knowing yoru friends worried about you meeting a Man from online. We have to accept that no matter how nice and sane people seem, there is always the chance they could be dangerous- I would never ever ask to meet someone without them taking common sense precautions- like meeting in a public place, or establishing real names and numbers, etc. If I were in His place I would be happy to have your friends join us for a casual dinner, as an icebreaker and way to establish trust. Your friends may never get warm to the notion of BDSM; but at least they can get to know the guy and verify for themselves that he isn't some nut job. I wish you well. What he said.......

marie2 -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 9:17:54 AM)
....the dawn is breaking.....

seababy -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 9:33:04 AM)
Sure there are risks but it seems to me that many kinky people that hook up from initial online contact seem to put a lot of safety steps in place while getting to know someone new. (which is great). However people who meet in clubs and pubs for the most part seem to just get pissed and take strangers home without hearing a squeak from friends about safety. Its nice to have friends that care. Maybe arrange to make them your safety call for your peace of mind and theirs. I don't see why the Dominant you want to meet would be hurt. I get the impression its common practice to arrange to call a friend and confirm your OK.

PlayfulWhenUsed -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 11:08:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexisubi so recently i met a Dom on CM that is awesome, we get along really well and hes planning on coming out here for business and we are going to get together. My roommate and best friend, and her boyfriend, recently saw this website and knows i have been talking to this person on the phone often and online. they have kind of been giving me shit for it, saying that its not a good idea... Hm, ok, I have a question! Are they concerned about you meeting a stranger from the internet? Or are they alarmed and weirded out by the freaky people? Because maybe I am just projecting but it kind of sounds like your friends are just upset that Person A might use a paddle on Person B and then demand a glass of wine and oral sex or something, and the whole scene is very upsetting to them. Because there are lots of ways to make it safer to meet someone from the internet like meeting at a coffee shop and telling your friends that you will call them at a certain time to confirm that you are ok and having a very sneaky friend follow you around everywhere in secret like a ninja. But there are not a lot of ways to make someone's brain accomodate the fact that "weird" does not mean "bad" and if I had that magical power I would TOTALLY help you out but I don't think anybody does.

porcelaine -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 11:12:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexisubi so recently i met a Dom on CM that is awesome, we get along really well and hes planning on coming out here for business and we are going to get together. My roommate and best friend, and her boyfriend, recently saw this website and knows i have been talking to this person on the phone often and online. they have kind of been giving me shit for it, saying that its not a good idea but most of the time i go 'alright, ok, alright, thats fine, understand, thanks for looking out, blah blah blah. she expressed some concern for me meeting him and i know shes looking out for me, and i mean online you never know what youre going to meet. however i feel really comfortable with him and i worry that my friend might be very upset if i met him in person. i feel like if i tell him that they have concerns he would be concerned, and possibly hurt, but i dont think their concerns will prevent me from seeing him when he comes down. i guess my question is should i tell him? should i try and be more informitive about what im looking for and why im on this website in the first place? how do i make her and her boyfriend (we are all pretty close) more comfortable about the meeting and about the website? i've met plenty of people so i'm going to answer from that perspective. first of all, no matter how open minded your friends are, if they haven't done the same or don't spend time online in the capacity that you're doing, they will not understand. exceptions to this do exist, but i find people who are not familiar with online culture have difficulty wrapping their mind around it. they see warning signs and a host of others calamities that will come about when two strangers meet. having said this, i think it is also good that they're concerned and since you're emotionally vested in this situation in some regard you will be hoping for a positive outcome. one of the ways to broach the subject with him is to inquire if he's done this before. allow him to share how he handled himself and ask about the other party as well. in the end you must do what you feel is right. but keep in mind they do have your best interests in mind, even if it isn't communicated in the most favorable light. good luck. porcelaine

Rainfire -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 11:42:05 AM)
OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice already, I just wanted to chime in that there are many successful meetings here from CM, and a number of them have resulted in happy, successful long-term relationships. Yes, there are concerns but at some point your friends have to trust you and let you use your own judgment. Once the details are set for the meeting, and it's in a public place, let them know something like "look - we're just meeting at Starbucks and I'll call you when I leave there." (If you carry a cellphone, that is, or just use the payphone there.) If it reassures your friends, I met Lumus here on the boards at CM and He collared me last July and we were married on Halloween. Greedy and Pirate met here and were married in February. There's another couple that met in P&RS that are expecting their first baby any day now. sirsholly met her Master on here and they've been married for a few years. A number of CM members have met and had a blast as friends, we had a whole CollarMe table at the wedding, Greedy and Pirate had a number of CM guests, Califchick has her annual birthday bash in Florida where the whole gang gets together, etc., etc., etc. So there are some excellent, wonderful people here and while it can be scary that first time of meeting, it can be an excellent opportunity. [;)]

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 5:09:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexisubi how do i make her and her boyfriend (we are all pretty close) more comfortable about the meeting and about the website? Tell them, "Yanno... if you keep walking around with your nose up someone else's butt, your face is ultimately going to end up smelling like ASS!!!" [:D] lol

mixielicous -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/26/2009 10:48:23 PM)
fast reply after read, are they concerned for you meeting someone online, in general, or specifically from this website? I have met a couple guys off craigslist, and my roommate is never keen on the idea, especially after the CL killer (which is from this region). You just reassure them that nothing is going to happen, share your time line with them, his number & address, the number of the place youre meeting (of course rule number one is somewhere public). Agree to check in at a certain time with them if you dont they can do whatever they want with his information (police etc). I have met one event host from CM and also went smoothly. I guess it helped he had many references, but bottom line is, CM, CL, both risky in the sense that youre meeting a stranger, but technically any stranger is a threat, and you cannot live in fear. If its because your source is a kink website, maybe you want to confront them with the fact that they are obviously judging you by your lifestyle choice.

sexisubi -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/27/2009 8:10:38 AM)
they are just concerned its from a kinky website, sure my roommate has never been blind to the fact that i enjoy certain things, she found a lot of my toys before in our closet and laughed about it. however now, when she looks at this website she feels that i'm taking the kink a bit too far, the occational thing for her is fine, but im not really occational and i enjoy it a bit more then she does.. which she doesnt really understand.

Musicmystery -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/27/2009 8:14:30 AM)
She is young and inexperienced. Consider her concerns accordingly.

lally2 -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/27/2009 8:37:31 AM)
whose life is it anyway - i mean situations move on, youre household right now will change some time in the future and well, to be honest friends move on and situations change. in the meantime this thing in you wont change, it isnt going away, this is it, this is you and youve found someone who feels really good - that doesnt happen too often. youre friends dont understand youre choice in relationships, so fine. they have made their feelings felt, thank them for caring enough about you and tell them firmly that this is what you want and youll be very careful. this is youre life, not theirs. whose to say that theyre relationship choices are any better. theyre only squicking over a lifestyle that they dont understand, not the guy as such. i wouldnt tell him, it isnt his problem and anyway, what can he do about it, other than phone and speak to them and reassure them, which is a possible option, but in the end youre friends really dont have the right to parent you or screen youre partners. youre an adult and as such you have every right to make youre own choices about youre life.

SouthernSpankin -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/27/2009 7:19:30 PM)
If you had started a thread on here telling us that you met a Dom here at CM, and that you got to know him via online and phone (often), and that the two of you are about to meet each other for the first time in real life---and you asked us whether you should take any kind of precautions or if you should just throw all caution to the wind, I wouldn't be surprised if just about everybody here suggested that you take at least some kind of precaution -- which is no different from what your best friend and her boyfriend are doing, from what I can tell so far. Because of that, I don't get how anybody thinks how your close friends aren't being reasonable here. However, your posts are pretty vague/confusing. On one hand, you say this is your "best friend and her boyfriend" and you say "we are all pretty close" and that "*i know shes looking out for me" -- You say "they have kind of been giving me shit for it" and that "she expressed some concern." That all sounds pretty good and healthy. Then on the other hand you say "i worry that my friend might be very upset if i met him in person.*" That doesn't sound good. Which one is it? Based on what you wrote, I don't see how that all adds up. I liked your questions and I'd like to attempt a thoughtful answer to them, so it'd be nice to see you provide some info that is a little more specific/less vague.

sexisubi -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/28/2009 2:35:36 AM)
actually the question was not regarding caution... i am cautious please dont get me wrong... its more about trying to make my roommates more comfortable with the situation, for instance we have one person who said maybe them meeting him would be a good idea and that would possibly be a good idea.. and they mentioned that its not really their life and they should try to except it from what i gather. no im not the type to meet someone online go out and just do it! or be like oh yes he is my master or sir. i am more concerned that they found the information and they are kind of lecturing me on it saying i dont think you should meet someone from a 'website like this!' but all online contacts have some precautions that need to be met, they just feel that this website requires more precaution in my eyes it doesn't... it requires just as much. most of the time you can tell in the first 5 mins a of a conversation what the person is looking for... if they immediately mention sex or 'you must address me as master' i am turned off quickly. which is understandable i think most people would be turned off by that unless that is all they are looking for. my concern is them, not him i feel hes genuine, which is important. but my concernt is how i can express that to them. recently i had a conversation with my roommate, telling her that all websites require some precaution and im not going to just go to this guys hotel room or go to his house we are going to have dinner or see a movie and hang out in a public place get to know each other and go from there. shes still not perfectly comfortable with it lol, but i mean its one meeting if it works out then it will put her at ease by itself.

SouthernSpankin -> RE: shaken not stirred. (8/28/2009 5:04:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexisubi i am cautious please dont get me wrong... its more about trying to make my roommates more comfortable with the situation, for instance we have one person who said maybe them meeting him would be a good idea and that would possibly be a good idea.. and they mentioned that its not really their life and they should try to except it from what i gather. no im not the type to meet someone online go out and just do it! or be like oh yes he is my master or sir. i am more concerned that they found the information and they are kind of lecturing me on it saying i dont think you should meet someone from a 'website like this!' but all online contacts have some precautions that need to be met, they just feel that this website requires more precaution in my eyes it doesn't... it requires just as much. most of the time you can tell in the first 5 mins a of a conversation what the person is looking for... if they immediately mention sex or 'you must address me as master' i am turned off quickly. which is understandable i think most people would be turned off by that unless that is all they are looking for. my concern is them, not him i feel hes genuine, which is important. but my concernt is how i can express that to them. recently i had a conversation with my roommate, telling her that all websites require some precaution and im not going to just go to this guys hotel room or go to his house we are going to have dinner or see a movie and hang out in a public place get to know each other and go from there. shes still not perfectly comfortable with it lol, but i mean its one meeting if it works out then it will put her at ease by itself. Actually, I'd think everybody would agree that BDSM dating requires more precaution than vanilla dating--BDSM is a little more dangerous that regular ole vanilla... hence the whole stress in the BDSM community on concepts such as "safe, sane and consensual," safewords, and all kind of safety concerns (there is even a whole forum here titled "health and safety"). For example, I met this 30-something female sub on here that was telling me about a recent experience she had with another Dom she had met on here. She was telling me that the first time she met him, they went out for a nice dinner, and everything went great, he was a complete gentleman, an awesome guy, very genuine, etc. So she felt completely comfortable taking him back to her hotel room. At first, they just kinda settled down and watched TV together. Everything was going great and one thing led to another and they started getting it on. However, then things went south pretty quickly. The way she described it, the guy turned into a whole different person, a mean and cold person that she didn't like. He grabbed her roughly by the throat, threw her down over the bed and continued choking her. He was probably sincerely thinking that she would like this, but she didn't, and when that became obvious to him, he let her up, went back to being himself, went back to just sitting down and watching TV with her, and when he saw that the chemistry between them wasn't working out that night, he left and went home. The girl didn't get raped, she didn't get robbed, and she didn't say anything about getting physically injured at all... but it was still an unpleasant experience for her. In hindsight, what precautions could she have taken to have prevented her from having to experience that unpleasant situation? --She didn't tell me how long her and that Dom had gotten to know each other before she took him back to her hotel room, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was some guy that she had just met on CM for the first time a week or two before. You didn't say how long you and your guy have been getting to know each other, but it seems like its been a lot longer that just a week or two. --She didn't tell me about what the two of them talked about beforehand when it came to how they each like to "do" BDSM. But communication is obviously important, especially in BDSM--where one person's idea of what is fun about BDSM can very often be another person's nightmare. Long story short, yes -- BDSM dating requires more precautions than vanilla dating. Basically, with BDSM, you should be a little more concerned about knowing/understanding your perspective partner before you get it on with him behind closed doors. Regarding your friends, just let them know that you and this guy have been spending a lot of time getting to know each other, both in the vanilla sense and the BDSM sense. Let them know that you think this guy is a nice and genuine guy and give them some reasons why you think that. Assure them that you're not the type to meet someone online and go out and just do it! Remind them that you're not going to just go to this guy's hotel room--but that you plan on meeting him in a public place to get to know each other and go from there. Etc, etc.

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