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RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/27/2009 12:19:52 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		never saying i'm sorry or admitting when you're wrong.

using dominance as a shield for emotional insecurities and fears.

expecting/demanding transparency from your submissive and failing to offer the same.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/27/2009 1:08:11 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Yanno, long as I have been here, I can find all kinda spitters and chokers, not one goddamn swallower yet though, Steel.

Ron


*winks at Ron


_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/27/2009 1:11:07 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Sexier than minging toes/feet

Please, what is minging? I don't know this phrase.


_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/27/2009 1:12:17 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I slave, not switch see with my eyes.

Mustapha Ben Abdul
Female Dominant
5'11"
22 pounds
Accra, Minnesota

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 8/27/2009 1:19:54 PM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/27/2009 1:18:22 PM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

Sexier than minging toes/feet

Please, what is minging? I don't know this phrase.

Ugly, smelly or generally unpleasant.  (British slang).


_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/27/2009 2:30:30 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Ah okay, ty. I just wasn't getting that one, and I love brit slang.

I thought she might have been taking the piss  . . . .


_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to Apocalypso)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/27/2009 9:19:34 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Sorry I want to address these because it is not an End All Be All Concept when it comes to Dominance

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary


1) Assume that EVERY submissive has to "bow down" to you


I am right with you on this one, what I think is a bigger mistake is that they see the entire Dominant/submissive dynamic as construct of orders and compliance to orders. They see Dominance as this Image rather than the Responsibility that it really is.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

2) Listening too much to other Doms instead of your inner self


Disagree Completely, Again many NEW Dominants don't ask enough questions they again see Dominance as an IMAGE and not as a responsibility and a way of life, because of this they make assumptions and tell themselves that this is what it is supposed to me I have to do this to be Dominant and don't take a look at the journey that many others have already started and are well on thier way. It is when they only want to listen to what they THINK this is all about and not learn about the OTHER ways this can and is done all the time that they come across as Chest Thumping Douche Bags.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

3) NOT being clear and firm from the start in what you expect from your
submissive, and any rules you need them to adhere to


Gunna have to go 50/50 on this one. Where as I agree that it is important to have consistency and integrity and having a firm understanding of what you expect in the initial stages of any relationship there needs to be a equalizing period where a person gets USED to how things work and being clear about something and towing the line are offten difficult I think more than being CLEAR they need to be PATIENT with the transition of going from an Concept to a Reality.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

4) Trying to appear more impressive than is within your being


This I agree with completely. If you are more concerned with how you are seen then with how you are conducting yourself then you are failing not only your submissive but yourself. If you do not know how to use a Bull Whip..... That is okay you aren't less of a Domiant because of this, and Owning a Bull Whip is not a Prerequisite for being a Dom. Also there is a line between Arrogance and Confidence and it isn't as fine as some people pretend it to be. If you take the time to learn a skill and you know you are good at it let your ability speak for itself not your Mouth. If you feel you have to Brag about how good you are with something then I have to ask who you are trying to convince other people or yourself?

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

5) Trying to obtain a submissive too soon with too limited knowledge and ability


To this I will only say everyone has to learn sometime and there are certain dynamics you will NEVER understand until you are in them. I agree that deciding on Wednesday that you wanna be a Dom and putting a collar on a sub on Friday seems a little fast but hopefully it will work out and if it doesn't hopefully you learn something from the experience.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

6) Not learning enough about the lifestyle by reading, talking to other
Dominants or submissives.


No Argument on this one however I wish to point out the conflict with this and # 2 because you say in too not to listen to much to other Dom's and here you are saying they aren't learning enough from them. I think I read Screw the Roses, and every piece of literature on BDSM even the things I wasn't interested in 20 plus times just trying to understand it all better.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

7) Being too "eager" to own a submissive


I agree with this as well but want to expand. Being So Eager that you are willing to compramise the things that you want and require just to "Have" a submissive, the same goes for submissives seeking a Dom, when you want it so bad that you ignore all the things that you say you want but are willing to do without because you are lonely or just don't want to be single anymore then you are missing the biggest part of BDSM and that is that it should be everything that you want and none of what you don't as long as you are willing to be honest with yourself and others.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

8) A mistake I have seen many make is as the emotions between the Dom
and submissive begin growing, the Dom has tended to not be as
strict or consistent as He was in the beginning. Maybe in fear of
losing her but forgetting that is the reason she craved Him in the
first place.


I disagree, Relationships evolve. What was started for kink can easily be continued for love and the Power Dynamic can start to become secondary to the Love Dynamic. When this happens it is only inportant that both people are moving at the same speed toward the same direction. I do not think that loving is a Mistake, but rather that it takes both people sharing the same concept of love that matters. It is okay to love your slave and eventually move from a Power Dynamic to a Love Dynamic but both parties should be honest about what they want and where they are going on a regular basis. In Most cases Communication can make everything clearer even if the clear picture is that termination of the relationship is the only happy solution as the other party is not able to give the other party what they need anymore.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UKEvolutionary

9) Not recognising a new subs inability to take responsibility for
their own safety. Through enthusiasm and an eagerness to please,
new subs can be their own worst enemy. A good Dom/me will recognise
the signals and take responsibility for them.


Remove the words Sub & Dom/me and replace them with the word People & Person and realize that this is a double edged sword and that many new Dom/me's are not educated enough to determin their targets safety as they are not completely aware of what they themselves are doing, and that when it comes to Eagerness and Enthusiam regardless of which side of the Kneel or Whip that you are on if you are more focused on the IDEA then you are the Reality of the EXPERIENCE then someone is in dange be it yourself or your partner, knowing what someone wants and knowing what you want to get out of a situation and knowing the pitfalls and dangers of the possible outcomes is the responsibility of all people involved not just the Dom and not just the sub.

Steel

quote:

Disagree Completely, Again many NEW Dominants don't ask enough questions they again see Dominance as an IMAGE and not as a responsibility and a way of life, because of this they make assumptions and tell themselves that this is what it is supposed to me I have to do this to be Dominant and don't take a look at the journey that many others have already started and are well on thier way. It is when they only want to listen to what they THINK this is all about and not learn about the OTHER ways this can and is done all the time that they come across as Chest Thumping Douche Bags.


While I will agree with most of what you have said young man, I afraid I must comment on this. You may have miss-read what the OP was actually saying. He did not say that he was opposed to listening to others, He is saying just because you tell him something, he should use it? Just because something works for you, does not mean it will work the OP. While I agree that any relationship requires responsibility, not all consider this a way of life. It is simply a role playing exercise which leads to a sexual encounter for some. New Doms have to decide if the Dom that they are speaking to is indeed knowledgeable or just some pompous ass spouting personal opinion as gospel truth

I think the trend to dominate by committee is a very poor idea. The perception that the OP’s ideas aren’t valid simply because they don’t conform to what your ideas are or because he is new, is pure arrogance. It seems that many Doms and subs come here, lacking in confidence and self worth and feel they must do as others do or risk being thought unworthy. I believe, as the OP has stated, he is his own man and will ultimately make decisions that are in his best interest after listening to some knowledgeable Dominants


_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/27/2009 9:44:04 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Or worse, naked with socks on in front of women. This is not sexy.

That's why they call them business socks.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/27/2009 11:04:20 PM   
Rhodes85


Posts: 445
Joined: 11/15/2008
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Status: offline 		'8 year old girl pants? how would a man fit in them? '

I'd be more concerned with where he got them in the first place...

'Or worse, naked with socks on in front of women. This is not sexy.'

Worse: naked except for those knee-high lederhosen socks and barvarian feathered hat....

that being said....

1. expecting your submissive to be perfect while not accepting that she is not and neither are you.
2. lack of patience (patience is a virtue, never forget that)
3. thinking your way is the only way
4. not keeping an open mind
5. not understanding that because you call yourself dominant, that doesn't mean you are
6. being a 'bully'
7. not respecting her (or his) needs
8. not understanding that just because a person is submissive that doesn't mean they are submissive to YOU
9. not understanding that a person is not going to drop to their knees and do whatever you tell them just because you are 'dominant'
10. not understanding that punishments are to correct her, to make her better, not actually harm, to get you off.
11. not realizing the submissive has a mind of her (or his) own. thinks for themself and has ideas/opinions/beliefs of their own, that will not change just because they submit to you.
12. not showing the sub respect
13. failing to understand that it is something of a symbiotic relationship: a sub is not a sub without her dom, and a dom is not a dom without his sub. you need eachother to be 'complete' in that sense.
14. failing to recognize that there is more to being a dom than having a sub. you are responsible for helping her grow as a sub and as a person, for her protection and her happiness.

_____________________________

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency you would all be dead by now. Have a nice day and remember: Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 5:58:17 AM   
UKEvolutionary


Posts: 60
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline 		My thanks to "Acer49", I've been trying to think of how to say what you said very eloquently, but the words wouldn't come for Me. ( Acer quote in red )

quote:
Disagree Completely, Again many NEW Dominants don't ask enough questions they again see Dominance as an IMAGE and not as a responsibility and a way of life, because of this they make assumptions and tell themselves that this is what it is supposed to me I have to do this to be Dominant and don't take a look at the journey that many others have already started and are well on thier way. It is when they only want to listen to what they THINK this is all about and not learn about the OTHER ways this can and is done all the time that they come across as Chest Thumping Douche Bags.


While I will agree with most of what you have said young man, I afraid I must comment on this. You may have miss-read what the OP was actually saying. He did not say that he was opposed to listening to others, He is saying just because you tell him something, he should use it? Just because something works for you, does not mean it will work the OP. While I agree that any relationship requires responsibility, not all consider this a way of life. It is simply a role playing exercise which leads to a sexual encounter for some. New Doms have to decide if the Dom that they are speaking to is indeed knowledgeable or just some pompous ass spouting personal opinion as gospel truth

I think the trend to dominate by committee is a very poor idea. The perception that the OP’s ideas aren’t valid simply because they don’t conform to what your ideas are or because he is new, is pure arrogance. It seems that many Doms and subs come here, lacking in confidence and self worth and feel they must do as others do or risk being thought unworthy. I believe, as the OP has stated, he is his own man and will ultimately make decisions that are in his best interest after listening to some knowledgeable Dominants

I think that "SteelofUtah" has taken My post "literally" without "seeing" the meaning behind it. It certainly ISN'T the "Be all and end all", It was NEVER meant as that, I'm not as arrogant as to believe that My posts are infallable or beyond contestation, it's just One Man's observations. As you may see, others have added to the list, and I must say, some VERY good points, thank you.

As for point 2 which you highlighted and Acer49 answered, I will again confirm. I LISTEN to other Dominants but don't try to "Be them", If what they tell Me suits My persona, then that's great and I will learn from them, but if what they say doesn't suit "Who I am", then I'll reject that information ! in other words ......... Listening too much to other Doms instead of your inner self

However, seeing the "confusion" it's caused, maybe I'd better be more "simplistic" about #2 and re-write it ? although Acer got the meaning !!
And just to "clear up", I DON'T see this as "Just a Kink" and I take My girls welfare VERY seriously.

(in reply to Rhodes85)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 7:20:56 AM   
rideemwet


Posts: 93
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline 		I won't claim venerable status here, but it seems a lot boils down to finding a good balance between trying to think and learning about things, and communicate, mixed with some experience in the school of hard knocks and trail and error.  Like a lot of things, trail and error just doesn't help if you don't learn from the errors, which is what makes it a circular process of improvement.  Fear of making mistakes will break this process as quickly as failing to learn.  Of course, there are plenty of people who, for the fear of making a mistake, will act above and beyond their experience, wisdom, or innate personality.

Beyond that, everyone needs to find their own balance.  People are going to be different.

(in reply to UKEvolutionary)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 7:23:51 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Posting facial pics with expressions which make you think they've just been kicked in the nuts.

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also Facebook
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(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 10:40:31 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Biggest mistake I've seen is a Dom with a bulging groin which we perhaps can imagine and finding his unzipped fly is not really to let it all swing free.. I suppose no one told him that the well experienced Dom should have play trousers with the button up flap or wear medieval hose with a cod piece. Both work for me anyway.. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 10:45:06 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Or worse, naked with socks on in front of women. This is not sexy.

That's why they call them business socks.



NOOOOooooooo!

Socks/sox on cocks are called medieval frangers:

"In days of old when Knights were bold and frangers weren't invented,
They used their socks/sox to cover their cocks and keep their wives contented."

Might have been a tad cold if said socks/sox were made if maille



_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 10:48:47 AM   
Muirren


Posts: 79
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Too bad you don't live closer to me,,lol. I'll make your tongue want to slap your brains out!

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 10:51:44 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		You're being generous, I'm sure.

LOL

(you need some work on the Gorean thingie, though)

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Muirren)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 11:11:46 AM   
happylittlepet


Posts: 289
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

never saying i'm sorry or admitting when you're wrong.

using dominance as a shield for emotional insecurities and fears.

expecting/demanding transparency from your submissive and failing to offer the same.

porcelaine



Well said. Shouldn't appear in any (intimate) relationship. Knowing oneself is key. If trust exists on both sides the partners can become unguarded, vulnerable, real.  

Thanks for all the insight in this thread, and the laughter.

< Message edited by happylittlepet -- 8/28/2009 11:17:50 AM >

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 11:12:49 AM   
BoundDragon


Posts: 265
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Or worse, naked with socks on in front of women. This is not sexy.

That's why they call them business socks.



NOOOOooooooo!

Socks/sox on cocks are called medieval frangers:

"In days of old when Knights were bold and frangers weren't invented,
They used their socks/sox to cover their cocks and keep their wives contented."

Might have been a tad cold if said socks/sox were made if maille






Now thats a different spin on a lymeric I haven't heard in a long time.

Thanks for making me giggle

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 12:27:54 PM   
DomMeinCT


Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

Posting facial pics with expressions which make you think they've just been kicked in the nuts.


Variant on that theme:  Write a profile that states you're structured and organized, but the background in the pic is an utter filthy disaster.

lol

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: "New" Dominant ...... "Common" ... - 8/28/2009 1:46:37 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomMeinCT

Variant on that theme:  Write a profile that states you're structured and organized, but the background in the pic is an utter filthy disaster.

lol


Oh I've seen that. Disaster area backgrounds are a no-no regardless of what you state in your profile.

I once has someone message me who had a person sleeping in the background of his pic. You could not see the whole person, just a leg and foot sticking out. But it looked like a male foot. Creeped me out.





_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to DomMeinCT)
Profile   Post #: 40
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