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Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/27/2009 7:41:45 PM

RebornMaster

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Joined: 8/26/2009
From: American in Misawa, Japan
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If your Dom/Master isnt giving you enough attention or not doing something enough that you like/enjoy/want or whatever, how do you approach the subject, if at all, and talk to him/her about it? Are they receptive to your request and try harder to do things differently immediately or wait till the next session if at all? Does this lead to permanent behavioral changes for you and your Dom/Master all the time or is the result more of a time-to-time kind of thing? I know what I want to ask but it's hard to put "on paper" haha...damn....I hope my questions make sense.

My slave sometimes wants me to be more strict in areas we haven't practiced much if at all (we're still kind of new at this life style) like limiting eye contact. Often I'm receptive, we talk it through, and sometimes I just basically tell her "deal with it" but then later I'll do what we talked about which leads to inconsitincies (sp?) which confuses her because it leads to her not knowing if she should/shouldnt do (or not do) something all the time or if it's ok sometimes etc.

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/27/2009 8:08:11 PM

littlewonder

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There are times when I want more attention and I'm sure there are times when he wishes for more but due to time and distance restrictions we've both learned to live our lives as is.

There are times when I get impatient or feel a crazy craving and then I just talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling. He'll either provide me with what I am talking about or he'll explain to me about the constraints again or tell me why I can't have it. At those times I just learn to live with it that way because what else can I really do? We don't all get what we want in life. That's just how it is.

Now if it was a need and something I had to have to be happy in life then I would have to reconsider our relationship but at this point in time thankfully this hasn't happened yet and hopefully never will.

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/27/2009 8:12:24 PM

SouthernSpankin

Posts: 106
Joined: 7/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RebornMaster

If your Dom/Master isnt giving you enough attention or not doing something enough that you like/enjoy/want or whatever, how do you approach the subject, if at all, and talk to him/her about it? Are they receptive to your request and try harder to do things differently immediately or wait till the next session if at all? Does this lead to permanent behavioral changes for you and your Dom/Master all the time or is the result more of a time-to-time kind of thing? I know what I want to ask but it's hard to put "on paper" haha...damn....I hope my questions make sense.

My slave sometimes wants me to be more strict in areas we haven't practiced much if at all (we're still kind of new at this life style) like limiting eye contact. Often I'm receptive, we talk it through, and sometimes I just basically tell her "deal with it" but then later I'll do what we talked about which leads to inconsitincies (sp?) which confuses her because it leads to her not knowing if she should/shouldnt do (or not do) something all the time or if it's ok sometimes etc.

Your post there was pretty vague. If your are as vague with her as your are with that post there, it's not surprising she is confused about knowing what response you are looking for.

< Message edited by SouthernSpankin -- 8/27/2009 8:13:10 PM >

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/27/2009 8:17:54 PM

littlewonder

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Sorry posted twice.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 8/27/2009 8:18:22 PM >

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Post #: 4

RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/27/2009 8:47:12 PM

porcelaine

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it depends on why i'm seeking his attention and the reasons he's unable to provide it. is he presently engaged in an activity that requires his focus? demands with work? or have other commitments captured his time? i believe these are normal and will occur. i try to go with the flow and find other ways to occupy my time.

if the above isn't true and the issue stems from me i will sort through my feelings to determine if they're rational or if i'm merely being emotional, missing him, et al. this is in important step because i must be able to communicate what is going on and that can be challenging if i haven't figured it out first. also, i don't want to be accusatory because my line of thinking could be entirely off base.

i expect interruptions, delays, and that real life will rear its head on many occasions. often when we least expect it to do so. patience and the like is always needed but i'm human as well and at times i will react. but once i understand what's taking place i do address it, even offering apologies for my behavior if necessary.

in respect to the second portion of your question, i don't push for those kind of things. i believe in communicating and then taking a step back and allowing the dominant to guide the ship. whenever i'm apt to forget this i have to remember it isn't on my time table, nor can i dictate how and when he responds. common courtesy aside, this dynamic is really his to steer and i must allow him to do so in the manner he deems fit.

porcelaine

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/27/2009 11:04:27 PM

sweetsub1957

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I will just talk to Him about it. Like the other day I just said, "Sir, I noticed we haven't <insert here> in awhile....." and left it open for Him to answer, which He always does. He pretty much always has a very good reason for it, work or other demands on His time or energy usually, and I understand all that. Sometimes it's for a teaching lesson of some sort. I understand that too. I realize that He always has a very good reason for what He does or doesn't do and He knows that, if I ask, I'm not questioning His judgement, I just want more information. Our lines of communication are always open.....without communication, what is there?

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 12:17:52 AM

RebornMaster

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From: American in Misawa, Japan
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Thank you all so much for your answers, and if my question was vague, sorry. I tried to make it understandable without bringing up a specific experience of my own (other than the eye contact) so that I got answers based on each individual's experience and not a discussion going on how I could do better. I wanted to know how you guys deal with things.

I'm quite happy to see that communication is there and that you can all talk about it, thank you for taking the time to respond.

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 8:27:01 AM

littleone35

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Joined: 2/17/2005
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Master expects me to tell him my wants. Then he decides on whether or not his is going to grant them. Master knows i would love more of his time and he gives me all his spare time. If i don't talk to him how would he know my wants? Doms are not mind readers. Master has this song he sings "You can't always get what you want, but if you try real hard you'll get what you need." Master always looks out for my needs.

Matt's littleone

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 9:20:37 AM

lally2

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consistancy is really important for the reasons you mention OP - youre sub is feeling confused because you may or may not carry something through, depending on youre mood.

i had a relationship like that and though im not a brat atall i really became one bitch of a brat by the end of it all. pure frustration and confusion and a feeling that it really didnt matter a toss what i did in the end.

the vanilla side of it all seeped over into the Ds until i really had no idea how i was supposed to be from one moment to the next, which is why, in fact i much prefer Ms.

personally i would suggest you agree upon certain parameters and stick to them, they can be simple things like basic rules about daily stuff that should or shouldnt be done. if youre Ds then i guess everything else can be open to negotiation, but once the negotiation has been made theres no room for movement. after that you have to be consistant or she will brat because its really really frustrating to be doing youre darndest to fulfill youre end of it when the guy youre trying to do things for apparently doesnt notice or cant be bothered to respond.

not having a go, sorry, just remembering the frustration i went through kinda hit a nerve.

and it was four years ago now!! blimey, time flies.

all the best xx

(in reply to littleone35)

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 9:29:14 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
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From: Nashville, TN
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What I would suggest is a time, maybe once a week, maybe once every other week, where you and your girl sit down and talk about things and how they are going. No consequenses for her speaking her mind while you are doing this, as long as she doesnt make it a personal attack. Make your own list of things that should or could be different, and have her do the same. Talk about why you want to try things, and what they mean to you. Be open to trying, with timeframes perhaps. Since you are both learning, keep track of everything you do. You may find limits, you may find loves. But try everything once, or you may never find know how you like it.

consistancy is extremely important, especially when you are both learning. She is trying to figure out what you want, and you are trying to set the base for trust and communication. Until you are more confident and stable, she will never be able to figure her end out, and trusting yourself into the hands of someone who you cant actually read is a difficult and occasionally foolish thing to do.

DV

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VampiresLair

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 9:43:20 AM

SteelofUtah

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From: St George Utah
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The only way I can answer this is to remember your own inconsistencies.

You cannot punish her for something she did not know she was supposed to do or not do as the case may be.

There are things that andi does that piss me off but it is my own fault when they piss me off because one day it is fine and doesn't piss me off and on another day it is nails on a chalk board. All I can do is require it for her in the moment and not punish her unless she knows I expect it at all times.

I am one of those people who believe that if you aren't looking me square in the eye that you are not listening to me. andi has a problem looking me in the eye when she has done something wrong. I ALWAYS expect her to look me in the eye when she is getting dressed down about something I will inform her she is to look at me what I am talking and if she fails to do so then she knows there is a punishment coming.

However there are times that dinner is not ready when I get home, I do not ALWAYS require dinner to be ready when I get home. Sometimes it pisses me off because she will call me 10 minutes before I get off work and ask me what we should have for dinner. Some days this if fine like when I am not starving after work, however in the days that I am starving I will simply say "andi you should plan something out and then call me ask me if this is what I want for dinner that way at least something is planned" but because I am not always consistent in this regard I cannot punish the action just because I don't like it that day.

Mind you this is MY way of doing things you are welcome to find a different method I am just telling you that this has fixed many problems in our house.

There are things that are ALWAYS and if they do not get done there are repercussions
There are things that are SOMETIMES and if they do not get done then I have to make sure that it was CLEAR what I wanted done if not I only have myself to blame.

Steel

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 10:04:08 AM

spookyfe

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if i want oe need i only have to ask but and its a big but smiles i have to ask in the right way and the better and more correctly i ask the more likly i will get but if i sound manipulative( a bad habit of mine) i end up with no chance and often a punishment . i am learning very fast . my master says i can always ask but he has to grant. he is very fair and knows the difference with my wants and needs.

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 12:04:07 PM

RavenMuse

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If I get wrapped up in something and My girl starts to feel a lack of attention then she knows to raise the issue with Me. Politely, respectfully but clearly. I am not perfect and I can't read minds, most problems I spot and deal with but if I don't then she will draw My attention to it so I can deal with it as and when I find it convenient.

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 12:21:21 PM

RebornMaster

Posts: 53
Joined: 8/26/2009
From: American in Misawa, Japan
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Ok...so consistency and again, communication, are the keys. Thank you guys so much. we have the communication down for sure but I am in fact the more inconsistent of the two. I can see now that my frustration is "normal" for the lack of a better word and I'm not the only one that it happens to...this place is a blessing.

thank you again! you're helping me so much :)

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 12:27:29 PM

RebornMaster

Posts: 53
Joined: 8/26/2009
From: American in Misawa, Japan
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quote:

ORIGINAL: spookyfe

if i want oe need i only have to ask but and its a big but smiles i have to ask in the right way and the better and more correctly i ask the more likly i will get but if i sound manipulative( a bad habit of mine) i end up with no chance and often a punishment .

I have a question for you and it's just a question, not argument....what is the difference between asking and being manipulative? I've often thought that when she asks for something, she's trying to control me and what I do, which in some form I guess she is? so...not trying to sound stupid here but what is the difference between asking for something and being manipulative? I dont want to have "is she trying to manipulate me" pop in my head when she asks...I want to just listen and evaluate fairly w/out the assumption (which is not every time...again, my inconsistency which I hope is just my learning) she's trying to manipulate me to get what she wants underhandedly.

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 1:32:25 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RebornMaster

If your Dom/Master isnt giving you enough attention or not doing something enough that you like/enjoy/want or whatever, how do you approach the subject, if at all, and talk to him/her about it?

Have you set up a specific way that she is to ask such requests? If not, I highly encourage it. A slave presenting and asking, "Sir, may I speak?" is attention getting and sets the tone of importance.

quote:

My slave sometimes wants me to be more strict in areas we haven't practiced much if at all (we're still kind of new at this life style) like limiting eye contact. Often I'm receptive, we talk it through, and sometimes I just basically tell her "deal with it" but then later I'll do what we talked about which leads to inconsitincies (sp?) which confuses her because it leads to her not knowing if she should/shouldnt do (or not do) something all the time or if it's ok sometimes etc.

If she signed up for, "Deal with it," then how she handles that is her personal struggle, in my opinion. Allowing her to go through that is important, if this is what you want to be able to do in the relationship. If she DIDN'T sign up for it, you need to change your response. Perhaps, "I'm not yet interested in that, but we might try it if and when I am," might work. Yes, it leaves things unanswered and vague, but at least it is more honest.

Master Fire

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 1:40:50 PM

RebornMaster

Posts: 53
Joined: 8/26/2009
From: American in Misawa, Japan
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Thank you.
We do have very open lines of communication but being pretty new at this we're learning how to commicate effectively in our roles. that said, we've also discussed that "just deal with it" is ok as an answer too. So, right now I guess we're figuring out how to read moods and read eachother effectively, if that makes sense. Basically, we're finding our balance it would appear.

thanks for your input...it's something for me/us to think about for sure! :)

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 2:05:01 PM

leadership527

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If Carol is not getting enough of [insert need/want/whatever here], then her command is to bring that to my attention -- promptly and concisely with as little equivocating as she can manage. At that point, I render a decision and we both move forward again. It's really pretty simple at least within our dynamic. I'd like to believe I am always receptive to such things although I don't always agree with her conclusions nor does she always get what she was wanting.

I don't worry too much about inconsistencies. Carol is, afterall, much smarter than the average dog. She's generally able to fgure out complex sets of situations quite adequately... most humans are. If we do get some sort of mis-queue and so she misses an expectation of mine, I simply refine her understanding at that point and we again move forward.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 4:14:19 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

but what is the difference between asking for something and being manipulative?

There are three parts to a question asked: the question, the answer and my response to the answer.
So I ask for something I need/want desire. I have provided him with information; that is not manipulating.
He decides, yea or nay; he’s the dominant, his choice!
My submission requires me to accept that answer no matter what it is.

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RE: Dom/Master not giving enough? - 8/28/2009 8:13:56 PM

RebornMaster

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Joined: 8/26/2009
From: American in Misawa, Japan
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Thanks guys. :) so much good info here and food for thought.

I talked about this "manipulation" with my slave last night and it's actually a quite interesting dilema...perhaps I'll start a new thread on it as it could be it's own discussion and not derail my own question. haha :)

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slaveToKnight's Master

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