A hint for good communication

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VampiresLair -> A hint for good communication (8/29/2009 5:13:20 PM)
Since there have been so many complaining threads lately about how hard it is to find someone, how terribly long and hard someone works to try and get a foot in the door, and how awful it is that all these emails are sent out and yet go unanswered... I thought Id post something here I have posted elsewhere as well. I mentor, and this is a posting I have put in one of the forums for Mentors and Mentees on another site. Maybe some of these points might make it a little easier for someone to get past that terrible wall of noncommunication and finally talk to someone. A hint to those looking to get into the lifestyle and starting to contact people. Not everyone is going to accept or be interested in what you have to offer them. This goes for sub and dom alike, just because you offer yourself does not obligate someone else to accept that offer. If you are going to say you have read someones profile and found it interesting, then you had better have actually read it and be able to prove it. If you have not read it, you will be easily called on this lie and it will make you look bad from the get go. What you consider flattery may be construed by someone else as an insult. Be careful how you word things. Flattery, worded vulgarly, will likely not get you the desired result. If someone turns you down, trying to argue with them that they really should give you a chance is usually not an advisable path to take. Why waste your time with someone who isnt really interested anyway? Do not badmouth someone if they turn you down. It really doesnt win you any points with anyone and it will likely make it harder for you to be taken seriously by others later. This applies to badmouthing former partners as well. Remember that new people looking at you can read the posts, and so they know what sort of treatment they can look forward to if your relationship doesnt work out down the line. Do not question someones being "real" or "true" just because they are not interested in you. Just accept that you would have been a bad match and move on. They are no less real and true for not being into what you are into than you are for not being into their kinks. Do not write checks your ass cant cash. I know, that sounds awful, but misrepresenting yourself in the beginning is only going to turn into trouble later. Do not paint yourself to be a supermasochist if you have never actually felt pain before. Dont say you are a Master with the singletail whip if you arent even sure what one actually looks like. Dont rave about how much you love strapon play if you have a virgin ass... these things will come back to bite you in that virgin ass if you actually make it to meeting the person you are talking to. Chances are if you dont feel like who you actually are is impressive enough to get someones attention then you shouldnt be trying for their attention. If you have to lie to be what they want, then you arent what they want. Find someone who wants what you actually are rather than someone you need to put on an act for. DV PS most of this comes from real emails and conversations I have had with submissives who are new to the lifestyle. Pitfalls for many and I know they apply to dominants as well, I just dont have many of them contacting me.

ShaharThorne -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/29/2009 5:29:26 PM)
Good posting..I would of have used the smiley but that portion is down.

porcelaine -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/29/2009 6:17:06 PM)
people complain because they're impatient, frustrated, unrealistic, and often in denial. the only person you bring into this process is yourself. the same one you carry about in your interactions in the world and in your previous relationships. it is likely that the very things that are irritants to these people will crop up here as well. it isn't like the person goes through some metamorphosis when they decide kink is where they belong. perhaps paying attention to these things and addressing them head first is a good start. drop the expectations and recall the methods used in successful pairings. don't assume that simply because you've become mister kink extraordinaire that everyone will want you, nor will they be gushingly impressed. other options include writing a dummy introduction of yourself without the kink parts added and having someone critique it. particularly those that know you well. it is possible that you're leaving pertinent information out that might seem unimportant but could be eye catching to a stranger. recognize that this is not the end all and be all for companionship. accept that some members find valid connections but everyone will not. for a select few it is the start of something new and others the springboard for what's to come. most of all enjoy the process. porcelaine

lovingpet -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/29/2009 6:21:53 PM)
Agreed. I just can't get over the sour grapes people spew. Incompatibility will eventually catch up with people. Ignoring it for a bit may let you have a fun Saturday night where you would have been at home, but the end is being lonely again and, eventually, hurt down the line. That time spent on that temporary fling may have been the evening Mr. or Ms. Right would have surfaced. Too bad one was out having a civil, but less than inspiring time instead. Time is a limited commodity. Spending it pursuing things of value is important. Time wasted on dead ends can never be regained. lovingpet

DarkSteven -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/29/2009 6:25:08 PM)
I'd like to add that it is imperative to enjoy yourself while hunting. As soon as you get grumpy realizing that you may not be able to find your one true lifelong match by 7 PM on Tuesday, the resultant bad mood infects you. If you realize that online otherhunting is a lot more fun that watching TV, then you'll have fun and getting your other is a bonus if it happens.

playfulotter -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/29/2009 6:26:27 PM)
I will say good posting too from my end...I have read your postings through both the relationships I have seen you have had from here and you never were mean or pulled punches..I just never had had much to say to a female Dom and male submissive type..nothing personal.........I am happy for you two and your impending nuptials!

porcelaine -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/29/2009 6:36:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven I'd like to add that it is imperative to enjoy yourself while hunting. As soon as you get grumpy realizing that you may not be able to find your one true lifelong match by 7 PM on Tuesday, the resultant bad mood infects you. If you realize that online otherhunting is a lot more fun that watching TV, then you'll have fun and getting your other is a bonus if it happens. my deadline is fast approaching. time to get to work. [:D] porcelaine

LadyPact -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/30/2009 4:26:05 PM)
Good post. Let's hope they listen.

heartfeltsub -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/30/2009 4:32:34 PM)
Great post, especially wanted to highlight one point. quote: Do not badmouth someone if they turn you down. It really doesnt win you any points with anyone and it will likely make it harder for you to be taken seriously by others later. This applies to badmouthing former partners as well. Remember that new people looking at you can read the posts, and so they know what sort of treatment they can look forward to if your relationship doesnt work out down the line. How often do people do that. It seems to me to be more often than not. If you were with someone, and you bad mouth them after the relationship is over, you are really only making yourself look bad, because you choose them to begin with. Seems like a really unwise move to me. heartfelt

HarderToBreathe2 -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/30/2009 4:35:28 PM)
Excellent post, and a lot of great follow-up comments [:)]

DavanKael -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/30/2009 4:39:43 PM)
While I can't quite muster Dark Steven's 'enjoy while hunting' philosophy, neither shall I put on a 'sour grapes' attitude that seems so pervasive. I'm not sure who is supposed to find the abject negativism and repetitious indistinct prattle that so may employ appealing but I generally wish those folks well and they move on. Davan

Prinsexx -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/30/2009 5:26:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VampiresLair Since there have been so many complaining threads lately about how hard it is to find someone, how terribly long and hard someone works to try and get a foot in the door, and how awful it is that all these emails are sent out and yet go unanswered... I thought Id post something here I have posted elsewhere as well. I mentor, and this is a posting I have put in one of the forums for Mentors and Mentees on another site. Maybe some of these points might make it a little easier for someone to get past that terrible wall of noncommunication and finally talk to someone. A hint to those looking to get into the lifestyle and starting to contact people. Not everyone is going to accept or be interested in what you have to offer them. This goes for sub and dom alike, just because you offer yourself does not obligate someone else to accept that offer. If you are going to say you have read someones profile and found it interesting, then you had better have actually read it and be able to prove it. If you have not read it, you will be easily called on this lie and it will make you look bad from the get go. What you consider flattery may be construed by someone else as an insult. Be careful how you word things. Flattery, worded vulgarly, will likely not get you the desired result. If someone turns you down, trying to argue with them that they really should give you a chance is usually not an advisable path to take. Why waste your time with someone who isnt really interested anyway? Do not badmouth someone if they turn you down. It really doesnt win you any points with anyone and it will likely make it harder for you to be taken seriously by others later. This applies to badmouthing former partners as well. Remember that new people looking at you can read the posts, and so they know what sort of treatment they can look forward to if your relationship doesnt work out down the line. Do not question someones being "real" or "true" just because they are not interested in you. Just accept that you would have been a bad match and move on. They are no less real and true for not being into what you are into than you are for not being into their kinks. Do not write checks your ass cant cash. I know, that sounds awful, but misrepresenting yourself in the beginning is only going to turn into trouble later. Do not paint yourself to be a supermasochist if you have never actually felt pain before. Dont say you are a Master with the singletail whip if you arent even sure what one actually looks like. Dont rave about how much you love strapon play if you have a virgin ass... these things will come back to bite you in that virgin ass if you actually make it to meeting the person you are talking to. Chances are if you dont feel like who you actually are is impressive enough to get someones attention then you shouldnt be trying for their attention. If you have to lie to be what they want, then you arent what they want. Find someone who wants what you actually are rather than someone you need to put on an act for. DV PS most of this comes from real emails and conversations I have had with submissives who are new to the lifestyle. Pitfalls for many and I know they apply to dominants as well, I just dont have many of them contacting me. There was me thinking it was actually going to tell me how to communicate.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/30/2009 8:15:33 PM)
Ahh, but Prin, it does. Telling you what to avoid is one of the biggest steps in learning what to do. Think about all the mail you get, and think then if they use what I wrote to weed out all the parts I said not to do. The quality would VASTLY improve. The problem is not that people do not know what to write , they just dont seem to understand that there are parts that are innapropriate and should be left out. I have seen what would have been briliant mail, except for the unnecessary incusion of a sour grapes rant about an ex, or an overly vulgar reference to what they would like dont to them by me and why. PS in our zeal to point out the negatives, you included the dont in the fact that I dont have many dominants contacing me.

trappedinamuseum -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/30/2009 8:57:41 PM)
Dear DV, Please stop using logic on the boards. It makes mah pretty little brain hurt, and then no true Dom will ever want me. Thanks in advance. Love, Trapped [:)]

IKaiya -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/30/2009 11:40:53 PM)
Good post! I can't help but wonder if the people who need to read this, will read this. I hope they do. Kaiya

WyldHrt -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/31/2009 2:40:23 AM)
Ummm... can I add, on the male D to female s side of the coin, "Do not start your first email with, 'Hello, girl' or any other generic nick"? Sorry, just got one of those, signed "Lord", that reminded me of this thread about what not to do if you want a positive resonse. On the flip side, It would probably be, "Do not address someone you have never spoken to as 'Mistress' or 'Goddess'".

ResidentSadist -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/31/2009 2:48:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt Ummm... can I add, on the male D to female s side of the coin, "Do not start your first email with, 'Hello, girl' or any other generic nick"? Sorry, just got one of those, signed "Lord", . . . So opening with "What up G" and closing with "Lord Pimpalicious" isn't a good idea?

WyldHrt -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/31/2009 2:54:26 AM)
quote: So opening with "What up G" and closing with "Lord Pimpalicious" isn't a good idea? LMAO!!! Only for you, RS [:D]

beargonewild -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/31/2009 6:09:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt Ummm... can I add, on the male D to female s side of the coin, "Do not start your first email with, 'Hello, girl' or any other generic nick"? Sorry, just got one of those, signed "Lord", . . . So opening with "What up G" and closing with "Lord Pimpalicious" isn't a good idea? Yikes and here I was going to start off with "Hey Duuuuude" lol.

Prinsexx -> RE: A hint for good communication (8/31/2009 6:20:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire Ahh, but Prin, it does. Telling you what to avoid is one of the biggest steps in learning what to do. Think about all the mail you get, and think then if they use what I wrote to weed out all the parts I said not to do. The quality would VASTLY improve. The problem is not that people do not know what to write , they just dont seem to understand that there are parts that are innapropriate and should be left out. I have seen what would have been briliant mail, except for the unnecessary incusion of a sour grapes rant about an ex, or an overly vulgar reference to what they would like dont to them by me and why. PS in our zeal to point out the negatives, you included the dont in the fact that I dont have many dominants contacing me. I just disagree with the telling me what NOT to approach. It's so reactive and not proactive. Hee's a process i do with students/clients. I put a pencil on the table. Then I say: Don't pick up the pencil! Then I repeat: I said Don't pick up the pencil! Voice getting louder and louder. The process illustrates verry well I think that although we all have the capacity to use the negative voice, that negative instructions have no effect on action whatsoever. So: don't touch that! don't climb on chairs! don't cry! don't fidget! don't be so rude! etc. etc. generally doesn't work as a child rearing practice and carried on into adult life well most people get reactive to reminiscences from being told what to do as children in such a negative manner. Once a student gets it they then ask; what can I do with the pencil? To which I say: let's start on that 3,000 word essay! Write a poem! Star an illustration! and the lesson begins.... I can spend two minutes if that, either on-line or in real time with d types who tell me whatnotto do, whatnotto text, whatnotto wear, whatnotto whatever and I'm off like a bat out of hell.

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