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i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 10:10:20 PM   
spookyfe


Posts: 74
Status: offline 		been up all night made a huge mistake yesterday and am wondering what other masters reactions would be.    i am new to bdsm and in my first proper relationship M/s  .   we are on line as well as in rl and see each other regulaly the plan was to move in eventually

i assumed he wanted something he didnt and i know i shouldnt assume .   my red is sex of any form with another woman while online i thought i could get over it and tried to master let me because i was so insistant so when his other only online sub was on we tried and failed badly.   he thinks i lied and i know i let him down badl and have lost some trust inme.

how would you react i just dont know how to say sorry without getting the situation worse. 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 10:15:43 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm lost.

I think you're saying that sex with a woman was a limit for you.  But you thought it would please him so you tried and it didn't work.

Is the "assumption" that he wanted you with another woman?

The story sounds plausible to me.  Where is the "lie" that he thinks you made?

You tried and it didn't work.  Why would you think you've let him down badly?

Is this something you'd be willing to try again?  Maybe you'd feel more comfortable after a few more attempts?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to spookyfe)
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RE: i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 10:17:33 PM   
spookyfe


Posts: 74
Status: offline 		because i had said it was a red and i then thought i could get over it but deep down i knew it tp be red.  

it was the fact i assumed he wanted me to have sex with the other one as well when he had said he didt i just assumed it would please him if i did

i havent spoken to him since last night but he is so hurt.  i hope we fix this.  he wont allow me to go there aznd never really did i just thought it would be nice.  i wont be trying a red again now i know what a red feels like


< Message edited by spookyfe -- 8/30/2009 10:28:21 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 10:53:57 PM   
spookyfe


Posts: 74
Status: offline 		how can i regain his trust that i wont push him to take me to a red again.  i know there are no answers i just need t express myself somewhere.
we love each other deeply and till this had absolute trust .  he says the dynamics have changed the energys changed.  just feel miserable

(in reply to spookyfe)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 10:56:39 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Okay what does Red mean to you because it is a Color to me.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to spookyfe)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 11:25:10 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Wow... although the way you're writing is confusing, what I am hearing is that you have certain things you assume to be the way it is or should be and you are playing to a tune other than your own to be found pleasing. (Or keep the man, in old lady speak.)

If you are not honestly presenting yourself... who the hell are you? That is most likely what he is asking now. Who is this? What does she mean when she says something if she means something else, but only did it because of this and she is new, but damn, she is an adult woman who could be manipulating or could be so insecure she will be a doormat one moment and then change her mind, which could mean so many things... omg... I don't know who she is and all I do know is she is confusing.

Who are you? He thought he saw... you... and then you switched it all up.

Honestly... I wouldn't trust you and I sure as hell wouldn't want to play games and have drama... such as your worry and his upset and both of you questioning everything. What happens if you continued? The next lil bitty thing gets blown right into a big thing... more drama... more confusion. Does she mean it this time... or does he trust me this time?

Give him time, don't pressure him and let him sort things out. If you can't stand the wait... well another sign that this is more about you than him or an us thing. You already assumed you knew what he wanted and such... now don't assume anymore. Calm yourself... go wait. If you can't do that after what you have done and you can't think on this long and hard and realize how seriously you have wounded trust by not being who you really are, honest and by assuming you know better than he... well then you need more time before you get into an adult relationship. Because this wouldn't fly bdsm or vanilla.

Tough words, I know... but this ought to be a huge lesson for you.


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 11:38:45 PM   
Ladynslave


Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline 		Slave and I had some issues similar to this in the beginning as well.  We tried some things that didn't work for one, the other, or both.  It takes some time when you are trying new things to find out what works and what doesn't.  Mostly you both have let go of the things that don't work and move on to the things that do.  I am not quite sure how a trust was broken as we just chalked it up to a learning experience, not a breach of trust.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 11:40:02 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Can someone tell me what the hell everyone thinks we are talking about because I still just don't get what the problem is. What the hell is a Red?

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Ladynslave)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 11:44:41 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		She was insistant that she could do it. Rather than say, I am not sure, never have tried it but don't think I could. That is where trust was broken.

Red typically means stop or no go. lol At least that's what I am assuming... lol

< Message edited by Lockit -- 8/30/2009 11:46:23 PM >

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: i broke his trust - 8/30/2009 11:45:43 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		She fucked a Russian?
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Can someone tell me what the hell everyone thinks we are talking about because I still just don't get what the problem is. What the hell is a Red?

Steel



_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 12:24:29 AM   
flogger


Posts: 186
Joined: 6/27/2004
Status: offline 		Red is a flag, that says "no"

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 12:33:30 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You aren't compatible. He knew you hadn't been with another woman and didn't want to do it yet he insisted that you do this. You believed you could handle it while disliking it and found out otherwise. Tell him to find someone who is bi to begin with and not to watch so much porn. If you aren't bi, then you aren't bi.

And next time notice the red flags. Someone who isn't interested in even meeting you to discover if you like each other as people, and whether or not you have any real time chemistry isn't a master, but a wanker. Draw your lines and stick to them, don't allow yourself to be cheapened.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to flogger)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 12:50:16 AM   
LadyAyla7053


Posts: 52
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I don't see how you broke his trust. First off you have stated that you are new to this lifestyle and anyone who is worth their salt knows that new people in the lifestyle and some that aren't so new want to try different things. But I do see where what you are trying to say and all I have to say to that is if he tries to make you feel bad about trying something that you thought he would like then kick him to the curb. As for trying things that are on you "no" "red" list I would advise waiting and take one thing on at a time. There are those of us that have been in the lifestyle for 10+ years that still have many of the same hard limits that we had when we first started and then there are those of us that don't have hardly any at all. Lastly, don't "assume" anything the key to a positive relationship whether it be in the lifestyle or otherwise is communication. If there is no communication there is no trust if there is no trust there isn't anything.

(in reply to spookyfe)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 1:29:24 AM   
LadySweetOrSour


Posts: 1415
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline 		So the original post means that the master didn't want the girl to have sex with a woman, she insisted on doing it anyway, thinking it would please him, but it didn't and no one ended up having a good time? That's the message I'm getting anyway.

OP, stop putting your thoughts and idea's onto him. He is a very big boy and didn't want you to have sex with a woman. Do you think you know his mind better than he does? Most men find the thoughts of two women together a turn on. He obviously isn't one of them. He didn't want you to have sex with another woman, yet you did it anyway to make him happy. Do you think him incapable of having his own thoughts and feelings?

Personally, I would assume you were a liar too and wonder what else you had lied about.

Leave him be and let him make the next move. And for gods sake, LISTEN to him.

(in reply to LadyAyla7053)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 2:13:34 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		she's 48 years old..he's 50
'nuff said.


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~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

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RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 2:26:01 AM   
spookyfe


Posts: 74
Status: offline 		thanks all.   and sorry for my english.   i am dyslexic and was upset just needed to reach out to somone.    lockits secondpost pretty much summed it up.    we talked beifly and are moving past it.  on condition i dont hide a red (a no go area for steel)   .   yes hes 50 and his last sub turned out to be a real nasty person, he found it hard to trust since, i am the first he has trusted fully  since then.   this is my first rl M/s relationship and yes 48 but age doesnt matter its new for me,  between us we have some past relationship damage.  he is a wonderful loving master.

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 4:56:30 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		This is a job for....

Communication!

...and not expecting it to all be fixed in 24 hours.

(in reply to spookyfe)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 8:46:05 AM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Can someone tell me what the hell everyone thinks we are talking about because I still just don't get what the problem is. What the hell is a Red?

Steel


You know the "safeword color codes?"  (there is School House Rock song in there, I KNOW it!) 

Green - everything is wonderful ~ keep doing what you are doing
Yellow - hmmm. . . not to sure, we might want to slow down a bit
Red - STOP!  STOP IT RIGHT NOW GAWD DAMNIT! ~ playtime is over


I think that she is "Red" as the term for a hard limit of hers. 

Green - Hey NO problem!
Yellow - Soft limit, not too sure about this, but maybe we can try
Red - AIN'T EVER GONNA HAPPEN BOYO!


So, having sex with another female was a hard limit that she decide that maybe was not necessary, and so when it was tried she did not like it. 

To me, this sounds like experimentation, and well. . . okay. . . so now you know. 

I really am feeling sorry for the other female. 



_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 8:49:56 AM   
spookyfe


Posts: 74
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee






So, having sex with another female was a hard limit that she decide that maybe was not necessary, and so when it was tried she did not like it. 

To me, this sounds like experimentation, and well. . . okay. . . so now you know. 

I really am feeling sorry for the other female. 






she knew i found it difficult and was also willing to let me try. 

(in reply to Aylee)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: i broke his trust - 8/31/2009 9:39:43 AM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: spookyfe

she knew i found it difficult and was also willing to let me try. 



And this is where I feel sorry for her. . .

Lady X. . . I want to have sex with you to please a third person, not because I find you attractive that way. 

I hope she got dinner out of it at least. 

Well, sorry Lady X, this just does not work for me and I think that because of it, my relationship with the third person is ruined. 

So instead of letting there be a follow-up with Lady X or going off to do something like play tennis with Lady X, you are trapped in a stupid drama because a sexual experiment did not work out. 

A piece of advice:  Do not use people like that.  Only have or initiate sex with people that you are truely interested in. 

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to spookyfe)
Profile   Post #: 20
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