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RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 7:30:42 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I want him to smile every single time he looks at me or thinks about me. I suppose the only way to accomplish that is to be pleasing to him.
I find nothing wrong with striving to be pleasing. I find nothing wrong with being a representation of all the things he enjoys.


Exactly my thoughts...thanks for saving me some typing. 

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/1/2009 8:12:14 PM   
pyroaquatic


Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline 		No one wants to hang around a displeasing aura. They project a repulsive force that drives people away. If this continues the cycle can feed itself into a horrid feedback loop. ("Woe is me!")

A Pleasurable person.... one who is tactful, honest, hilarious, sensitive to what senses need pleasured, and let us not forget savory chocolate eye-candy. Or whatever candy one sees themselves as.

Who will I stand around? Who will I attract?

Service-wise...
... the Dominant would be waited on hand and foot. With whatever method the D-type would dispatch their submissive. Why? Because it pleases the Dominant to do so.

It pleases the Dominant to have whatever meals she asks for, in her exacting orders. Should I wear this tie with this outfit while serving you drinks and food?

"No silly, it would be pleasing for my eyes to see you in this outfit. And the rest of the world... your fashion sense is an atrocity."

The greatest pleasure derived in turn is positive encouragement and affection for being so well-behaved and thoughtful while giving everything away.


"It is a pleasure serving you."
"It is a pleasure receiving your service."




_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 12:23:31 AM   
sexisubi


Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		i guess my first response was i really enjoy to please someone that i love, who doesnt like to see them happy! also, seeing then happy makes me happy! with that said i love to please, friends boyfriends, family a like.

however, you mentioned the being taken advantage of and man does that happen so much, after a certain time you feel almost numb to new people afraid they will notice that you are too nice, and they start to ask for things and its not like bdsm things im talking about everything else, buy me dinner cause my card wont go through, give me a ride even though i never call you to say hi, or my favorite recently i was sick, i was asked to do all of this stuff, my roommate then gets sick she refuses to do anything and im ending up taking care of her.

do i think that its gender specific or judged more harshly when it comes to a man or woman.

i really dont, woman are just as mean as men, they just use people for different things and different ways... guys complain its those pretty eyes and begging smile i cant say no... while girls claim, i just cant say no its not in my charicter....

eventually someone just needs to stand up and say no. i think that was hard for me to learn in fact i think it took 18 years to learn, whats worse is that women who have this end up in relationships that can be considered abusive, im sure there are a lot of people on this site that can contest to that. and men end up in relationships where the women is controlling and high maintenance, spending everything they have getting yelled at when they go out, and being miserable in their life. neither of these parties are going to be happy until they can say no more. 

my scatterd thoughts on 'pleasing' good topic pick btw.


_____________________________

bound by love,

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(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 1:56:46 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		My concept of 'being pleasing' goes way beyond BDSM and it isn't necessarily tied to my being a submissive and is also just as much tied to my need to get on in this world as smoothly as possible without unnecessary stress or conflicts.

Therefore I strive to be pleasing to everyone I work with, the actors I work with, those who take part in my workshops, the people I come across in my charity and voluntary work, my friends, and yes, in my relationships too.

Is it part of who I am? Usually, but not always. I'm not in any way pleasing towards a bank trying to take me to court for trumped up bank charges in fact I'm working on being as difficult and confrontational as possible.

Another way to me for 'being pleasing' is 'being pleasant'. I like to make people happy, brighten their lives, make them laugh, amuse them, help solve their problems, do stuff for them, and be there for them when they feel down, upset, or lonely.

Yes certain people take advantage, but so what? Life isn't always win win, sometimes you have to lose and sometimes you make mistakes.



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(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 3:57:58 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		We continually please each. I don't necessarily feel that pleasing my partner has to be done through some act of servitude but through just being myself. He tells me the reasons for loving me are because I am confident and yet unoffensive with others, I am strong as a woman and yet can submit to him with a mere whisper, that I am dexterous and artistic, that I am adventurous and open minded. Being myself pleases him. Fussing after his every need would perhaps make him smile but without all the other stuff it would be hollow.
He on the other hand pleases me with his own personality strengths. Our expectations of each other are that we never lose the ability to put a smile on each others faces by being ourselves.

I give him all of me and he gives me all of him.... thats enough

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 4:40:43 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		It was an "Aha" moment for me when I realised the difference between doing things to please and "being pleasing."   When I look for ways to please, things to do, I am focused on myself as in "What can I do to help, what can I wear, how shall I prepared dinner."  To me, being pleasing is a shift in focus.  When I focus on what does my Master want, what does my Master need, what is my Master's mood., the shfit in focus seems to make being pleasing almost automatic.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 4:57:36 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero


Granted, much of this could just be a semantic issue.



Probably. I don't have an ardent desire to 'make' Himself happy. I do, however, have an ardent desire for him to 'be' happy and I behave accordingly. If he has to depend on me to 'make' him happy, what's he going to do when I can't 'make' him happy? Be miserable? Seems to me that sort of thinking can set one up for failure.

Thankyou. You said it so much better than I did.


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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 5:00:28 AM   
canukeepup


Posts: 38
Joined: 7/21/2009
Status: offline 		hmm and i'd thought it was to ENHANCE one's happyness....but there's no makin someone happy...

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 5:53:56 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
I'm having trouble seeing how the willingness to have a demeanor that would always bring a smile to your D-type's/partner's face could be warped into attempting to "control his moods".


Because I can't always bring a smile to his face. So if I feel that my responsibility is to make him happy, no matter what, I'm ignoring the realities of life and I'll put myself in a tailspin when, for whatever reason, he simply won't get a smile on his face.

I do my best but I don't beat myself up about it if he isn't pleased. And if the D type isn't pleased, then by definition the s type wasn't pleasing. No matter if a week before the very same behavior would have had him howling with desire.



"If the D type isn't pleased, then by definition the s type wasn't pleasing." That's where I'm having have the disconnect. My thinking about this is, "If my dominant isn't pleased, then by definition he isn't pleased." I don't think I take the next step in my thinking to the "therefore I wasn't pleasing" part. A means only A to me, it does not mean B. So if he is not pleased, I might wonder if it was me, but then not worry much about it. As they said in Little Big Man, "Sometimes the magic works... and sometimes it doesn't." But that wouldn't stop me from trying again and very quickly to make (manipulate, unsneaky version) him feel happy or some other positive emotion. What would stop me from trying again is if I blamed myself for his not being pleased. But I couldn't blame myself for that unless I felt I could/should control him. Maybe it is all just mental games, but I think that precisely because I don't feel in control around someone I acknolwedge as my dominant, I am free to do things, to take risks that might crush me if they were performed with the expectation that "I am in control of this, therefore if I don't get the expected result, it's my fault and I am a failure/loser." If I can't please, it just means he wasn't in the mood, usually. (Granted, some dominants are moodier than others. With that type, pleasing becomes a matter of learning the shifting winds and the currents and how to appropriately respond to each.)

This belief (that a dominant's not being pleased has little or nothing to do with me) is held not just because I don't feel in control of him and therefore am not particularly surprised when I don't get an expected result, but also because I believe he would tell me if I, specifically, was displeasing, maybe not instantly (see moody doms, above) but eventually, if that were the case. That's part of the whole "clear communication" and "transparancy" deal, isn't it? I might explore further, in the desire to find out more about him, why he wasn't in the mood for whatever it was I did, but that would depend ont he circumstances. If he had a hacking cough, was shivering uncontrollably, and running a high fever, even I could probably, with a little luck, figure it out on my own.

The above stance is not my original one, and I don't think it's the natural starting point for most of us. It was something I was taught, and then later continued to explore on my own.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 7:15:41 AM   
XYisInferior


Posts: 166
Joined: 2/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

I think the desire to make others happy is something that is wired within us all, but the desire to "be" someone who makes others happy as a "foundation stone of who we are" is something I think is mostly found in submissive types.  Everything from how we look to how we act, serve, and submit we (most of us) desire to be pleasing to "the other".  

I think if you were to sort of cobble together a list of  "submissive traits", "The desire to be pleasing" would probably be high on the list for most. 



My immediate thoughts were that "being pleasing" can be a path to attention, seduction and control, too. In that light, "being pleasing" can be a tool to dominate us much as submit. It really comes down to how one pleases, and what spirit they give pleasure in.

_____________________________

S a h a r a h E v e . c o m

Do your own homework. Write your own stuff.


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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 7:32:28 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
This belief (that a dominant's not being pleased has little or nothing to do with me) is held not just because I don't feel in control of him and therefore am not particularly surprised when I don't get an expected result,


If a dominants lack of pleasure has little or nothing to do with the submissive, then the opposite is also true. Their pleasure has little or nothing to do with the submissive.

To believe in the negative and not the positive of that statement seems short-sighted.

Knight's Kyra


_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to CaringandReal)
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RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 7:57:05 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: XYisInferior
My immediate thoughts were that "being pleasing" can be a path to attention, seduction and control, too. In that light, "being pleasing" can be a tool to dominate us much as submit. It really comes down to how one pleases, and what spirit they give pleasure in.


I do think it important to recognize when "being pleasing" turns into "being controlling" and I can see that people can and often do use "care" and "love" as tools to manipulate another.  Where I was going was more in the pure sense of "being pleasing in yourself", and not using it to manipulate nor "assume responsibility" for the happiness of another. 

As eyesopened said above, and I totally agree, you look to your Dominant's focus and be pleasing to that...this can sometimes be a challenge as we are all of us fairly strong individuals (another submissive quality IMO) and tuning our focus to another - and keeping it there - can be difficult even though we are submissive.  This at least, is true for me - I can get a little bulldozy about what I think will make Her happy and in that I am looking at my focus, not Her's...and that I am working on.

Many thanks to you all for your excellent comments!  In my thinking and evolving musing about this topic, this morning I came to the following thought:

Being pleasing is about creating in myself, a space for Her.  To learn and acknowledge Her desires, needs, wants, likes and dislikes...and then orient myself to them so hopefully She will take solice and comfort in me. 

While I am not responsible for Her happiness, I certainly can do things to foster it.  Be it modeled after a Geisha, or Jeeves**, there is a definate art to being a servant and part of that is doing it with a "becoming grace" that I think is where I am getting at with this muse on being pleasing.

Keep this going!  It is an excellent discussion.

**Jeeves and Wooster - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeeves_and_Wooster a most excellent British television show where Steven Fry plays the worlds -best- valet.  Highly recommended. 

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 9/2/2009 7:58:17 AM >

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RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 8:41:59 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I cannot make Master happy he is always a pretty happy guy. However that being said i can strive to make him happier. As to being pleasing, well that for me is an easy one i obay Masters orders, and sometimes buy him tha candy or cookies i know he likes, learned how to prepare his coffee. All thing slike that are pleasing to him, so in that way i am being pleasing. At least that is my take on it. Doing what Master wants me to do without whining, complaing or questioning why is a main way of being pleasing (not that i am saying anyoe else whines, complains or questions). Just my thoughs on the subject.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to OttersSwim)
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RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 8:49:50 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

You know it seemed worth mentioning on this thread that I myself am highly focused on pleasing my partner. When that occurs in a dominant, I think you end up with what's called a "service dom"?? The only real difference between Carol & I in this regard is how we go about doing the pleasing. For me, it is via the commands I give. For her, it is via the obedience she gives.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 9:05:07 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		being pleasing conjures up an image of a sycophantic, waggy tailed dog leaping around its Master for attention. and yet, if the dog was unresponsive, unmoved by its owners presence then where would be the pleasure in having it around.

ill try to think up things to please for sure, based on my knowledge of Him,  things that will make him smile, laugh and know that i am thinking of Him outside of His usual expectations. but i wouldnt or couldnt do that if i felt that i was putting Him in a position of needing to express gratitude for something He had not asked for.  that would just feel wrong on so many levels.

and if i were to take some ritual like coffee in the moring and add my own slant on it, like a sprinking of cocoa or cinnamon instead of how He especially liked it then i would be stepping out of my place and assuming more than i should.

so in the end im with kyra and others on this one.  my pleasing my Master is pretty much entirely based on doing as is expected of me.  but that doesnt mean you cant add a little something of youre own, just once in a while  (but only if its a dead cert., on the 'pleasing')




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RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 12:25:16 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I don't like to be *displeasing* or make him *unhappy* because I adore him. It's not a huge part of my psyche to *be pleasing*, in any particular, special way though. He wants me, he chose me, he likes me, so I tend to assume that I AM pleasing. His stance has always been that he'll let me know if I'm not.

agirl



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RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 1:12:53 PM   
yummee


Posts: 111
Joined: 5/31/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Plus once I got over it, I am not hampered by not merely as much guilt.



I love this and find it to be true as well. 

Respectfully,

amy


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 1:28:49 PM   
yummee


Posts: 111
Joined: 5/31/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

As his slave, I do not operate from the mind set of pleasing him. It isn't my job. My job is to do his will. Pleasing him comes second to doing his will. Sometimes when I do his will, he gets pissed off because his instructions didn't give him the result that he wanted.



This is how it works for us as well.  As a result of this thread, I am thinking a lot about what we (generic we) say and what we mean.  What we (specifically Master and I) say is that I am to be pleasing.  What we (specifically Master and I) really mean is that I am to be obedient.  That is HOW I am pleasing to him.  Service seems to be the primary component in pleasing my specific Master, and my demeanor is right up there as well.  Pleasing my Master, however, isn't really a specific action to us ... it is a result of me doing and being those specific things that he requires of me.

Respectfully,

amy


(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 1:56:11 PM   
happylittlepet


Posts: 289
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexisubi

i guess my first response was i really enjoy to please someone that i love, who doesnt like to see them happy! also, seeing then happy makes me happy! with that said i love to please, friends boyfriends, family a like.

however, you mentioned the being taken advantage of and man does that happen so much, after a certain time you feel almost numb to new people afraid they will notice that you are too nice, and they start to ask for things and its not like bdsm things im talking about everything else, buy me dinner cause my card wont go through, give me a ride even though i never call you to say hi, or my favorite recently i was sick, i was asked to do all of this stuff, my roommate then gets sick she refuses to do anything and im ending up taking care of her.

do i think that its gender specific or judged more harshly when it comes to a man or woman.

i really dont, woman are just as mean as men, they just use people for different things and different ways... guys complain its those pretty eyes and begging smile i cant say no... while girls claim, i just cant say no its not in my charicter....

eventually someone just needs to stand up and say no. i think that was hard for me to learn in fact i think it took 18 years to learn, whats worse is that women who have this end up in relationships that can be considered abusive, im sure there are a lot of people on this site that can contest to that. and men end up in relationships where the women is controlling and high maintenance, spending everything they have getting yelled at when they go out, and being miserable in their life. neither of these parties are going to be happy until they can say no more. 

my scatterd thoughts on 'pleasing' good topic pick btw.



This took me about 40 years, and boy, did I lose a lot of 'friends' when I started to say no... Saying no is not the same as not wanting to be pleasant to be around though.

I refuse to become guarded against people in general, unless someone gives me a good reason to not trust. This comes with a cost, but that's my choice. I can understand that people on CM are guarded, but does that mean that people are all judged with the same measure? Of course a lot of long time members have made good friends here, they don't have time for more. But does that mean everyone thinks they have enough friends? It seems very hard to break through the defenses people put up. No one wants to get hurt, but does one even expect to be treated nice and respectfully? If not, if the expectation is that 95% of the 'new' people here are fake, scammers, users, what on earth are we doing here? Is this how people approach potentially intimate partners? It boggles me.

I try to live my life by this motto 'I act, I will not react'.

< Message edited by happylittlepet -- 9/2/2009 1:57:46 PM >

_____________________________

There are no rules, there is only compassion.

Simple religion:
There is no need for temples,
No need for complicated philosophies
My brain and my heart are my temples
My philosophy is kindness (DL)

'There's a fire burning in my heart'

(in reply to sexisubi)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Being "Pleasing" - 9/2/2009 2:01:02 PM   
happylittlepet


Posts: 289
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

My concept of 'being pleasing' goes way beyond BDSM and it isn't necessarily tied to my being a submissive and is also just as much tied to my need to get on in this world as smoothly as possible without unnecessary stress or conflicts.

Therefore I strive to be pleasing to everyone I work with, the actors I work with, those who take part in my workshops, the people I come across in my charity and voluntary work, my friends, and yes, in my relationships too.

Is it part of who I am? Usually, but not always. I'm not in any way pleasing towards a bank trying to take me to court for trumped up bank charges in fact I'm working on being as difficult and confrontational as possible.

Another way to me for 'being pleasing' is 'being pleasant'. I like to make people happy, brighten their lives, make them laugh, amuse them, help solve their problems, do stuff for them, and be there for them when they feel down, upset, or lonely.

Yes certain people take advantage, but so what? Life isn't always win win, sometimes you have to lose and sometimes you make mistakes.




So true, Stella.

If I let someone take advantage, that's my choice, and I can end that at any time. Not every request for help, attention etc. means that someone wants to take advantage either. It's part of relationships, at any level. 

_____________________________

There are no rules, there is only compassion.

Simple religion:
There is no need for temples,
No need for complicated philosophies
My brain and my heart are my temples
My philosophy is kindness (DL)

'There's a fire burning in my heart'

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 40
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