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Trust part II - 9/4/2009 11:28:26 AM

fuzzywumpas

Posts: 43
Joined: 3/17/2009
From: A galaxy far, far away...
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So in reading some of the threads about trust, it makes me wonder if once lost, can trust be regained? Can you trust your partner (either D or s) in some areas and not others? Would that be a deal breaker for you? Time to move on, maybe do some healing? Are there any stories of having your trust broken but then restored by your partner? Or is it once lost, always lost?

If you've lost your trust, do you then find yourself suspicious?

I'm curious as I try to work through some things and would appreciate any input.

TIA

fuzzy

Post #: 1

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 11:34:04 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Damages to trust give me a question-mark about whether or not a person is going to repeat the behavior but depending on what the scenario is, a single act that damages trust may not be an immediate deal-breaker.
Examples: A partner cheats on me, immediate permanent deal-breaker forever and all time. A partner does not support me in the face of a public affront. Not an immediate deal-breaker (Unless it became physical and they didn't intervene) but certainly something about which I would need to talk with them and express my needs and hear what they had to say. If it happened repetitiously, it would deteriorate my trust further.
Trust and respect are very much linked, in my view. If I can't trust and respect a partner, they are not my partner: they are my enemy and they need to get away.
Davan

_____________________________

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Post #: 2

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 11:37:23 AM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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If trust can only ever be lost, and never rewon, then the inevitable state of any relationship is failure. I choose to build long term relationships which requires the ability to forgive and extend trust anew. I am hard pressed to name any single thing that Carol could do that would be a trust deal breaker for me... It'd have to be something like, "axe murdered 10 school children at the sunday school class". More normal things like, "cheated on me" would not be sufficient.

I generally expect my human partners to be good, but still human. Maybe for my next marriage, I'll look into collaring an angel.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 3

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 11:54:09 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
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After Daddy had lied to me about a few things and some of it was really important, and one time I knew he was messing up our finances by wasting big amounts of money on shit we didn't need or couldn't afford and I gave him a chance to come clean and he not only lied to my face but swore he was not lying, no I do not trust him any more with regards to certain area's of life, such as taking responsibility for fixing a problem that has arose, or doing what he says he did. It's not a deal breaker for me, no, but then it's not a deal breaker for him that I am always suspicious that he's not being truthful and has lied to me again.

If he continued to lie to me yes it'd be a deal breaker.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

So in reading some of the threads about trust, it makes me wonder if once lost, can trust be regained? Can you trust your partner (either D or s) in some areas and not others? Would that be a deal breaker for you? Time to move on, maybe do some healing? Are there any stories of having your trust broken but then restored by your partner? Or is it once lost, always lost?

If you've lost your trust, do you then find yourself suspicious?

I'm curious as I try to work through some things and would appreciate any input.

TIA

fuzzy

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 4

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 11:58:26 AM

shadowowl

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline

Trust is like an egg, if it's broken no matter how much skill or time you have it will never be the same..
It's fragile and to be held with the highest regard trust is the link that binds us.

Of course simple lies or misteps may not be enough to truly break trust, to me breaking trust involves doing something unexpected and hurtful either by their own choice or by in action or simply by being careless.

in terms of being human I think of it this way
we all make mistakes and if that was what it was then trust is not lost anyway.
if it was intentional or just lack of consideration then that's another matter and falls into the breaking trust catagory.
examples for me to break my trust are simple.
putting my health at risk, stealing from me, betraying me, etc
these are things that break trust with me and while I can forgive all of these it will never be the same.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 5

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 1:04:30 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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Hey Fuzzy!

I am of the general opinion that good relationships take a lot of hard work. It is not that having a relationship should be hard, but that bad times can and do come. Someone may shake my trust and respect of them to the very core, but in all honesty, that is my issue to work through. If they choose to do all they can work through it with me and show me in every way they can that they, too, hope for a better future, I am the one at fault if the relationship fails. I am now the one not owning up to what I claimed to be trying to achieve with him/her. Love much, forgive much, keep the hold on resentment short. Two wrongs don't make a right, they just make the world have a temperature of absolute zero.

lovingpet

(in reply to shadowowl)

Post #: 6

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 1:05:50 PM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowowl

Trust is like an egg, if it's broken no matter how much skill or time you have it will never be the same..
It's fragile and to be held with the highest regard trust is the link that binds us.

Of course simple lies or misteps may not be enough to truly break trust, to me breaking trust involves doing something unexpected and hurtful either by their own choice or by in action or simply by being careless.

in terms of being human I think of it this way
we all make mistakes and if that was what it was then trust is not lost anyway.
if it was intentional or just lack of consideration then that's another matter and falls into the breaking trust catagory.
examples for me to break my trust are simple.
putting my health at risk, stealing from me, betraying me, etc
these are things that break trust with me and while I can forgive all of these it will never be the same.

I don't totally agree. Trust is fragile, no doubt, but I think it has an amazing ability to heal itself if given the right medicine. A lot of love. patience, and some hard work go a long way.

lovingpet

(in reply to shadowowl)

Post #: 7

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 1:36:31 PM

shadowowl

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Joined: 5/31/2004
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well i never said it couldn't be fixed i jsut said it would never be the same.   But everyone is different I'm very forgiving and understanding but if someone crosses that line to breach trust with me to a point where it breaks,  then they dont' deserve my trust and it will never be given to them 100% again ever.
ofcourse that doesn't mean the relationship can't go forward at 99% or 90% or even 80%    there are degrees for everything.
There will never be another chance to make a first impression, there will never be another first kiss, and if trust is broken will never be another 100% trust situation least not from me.    love and patients and hardwork can mend love just like they can put an egg back together again and it can be amazing how closely it can resemble the original. but there will always beek week points that didnt' exist before.
for example
if they cheat on you.. you forgive them build the trust back with love and hard work so it appears like it did before
if they do it again.. it's not the same result is it? no because it compounded by the original breaking of trust there for it is not the same as it was and never will be.
so will either end things or take much more love and hard work to fix the 2nd time.
I think sometimes in very mathematical terms and while yes it may look and feel the same there will be differences even if they are not noticable until it is broken a 2nd time.

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 8

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 1:43:16 PM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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I have actually witness trust grow beyond what it was prior to a breach. I am not saying it is common, but I am saying that it is possible. I prefer to not hazard that risk and do my utmost to keep trust as whole as is within my power. I don't know how another might happen to respond to broken trust, and they might not either in a given situation. Best to always be doing one's best in this area.

lovingpet

(in reply to shadowowl)

Post #: 9

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 5:53:23 PM

stillholdson

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/4/2009
Status: offline

the time for me to move on came when i realized i could trust him with my body but not my mind or heart.

for once that trust was shattered (by a drastic ommission) it is not repairable for the depth of the bond that i needed to totally let go and embrace his pain.

play time and kneeling was still wonderful but that something inside of me was now missing.

< Message edited by stillholdson -- 9/4/2009 5:58:12 PM >

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 10

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 6:03:42 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Once my trust is broken in someone I tend to not regain it back..at least it hasn't happened yet.

When I lose trust I move on. I can't be in a relationship with someone I am always suspicious of. I have enough stress and eggshells in my life. I'm not about to add more to it, especially when I know it won't get any better.

(in reply to stillholdson)

Post #: 11

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 6:10:16 PM

lovingpet

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Joined: 6/19/2005
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I got called on this not that long ago. He had done nothing to cause it and I wasn't even conscious of my own witholding. I had to do some deep soul searching to see why it was that this was happening. I needed some things to help me finally let go. They are things we still have to revisit on occasion, but it is something that we know is worth the investment. If it happened after some breech of trust, I think we would do the very same thing. It is possible that the situation would be so different we couldn't or wouldn't want to, but we are very deeply commited to making it together, I doubt we wouldn't try at all. I hope any hurts that are open at this time can be healed and partners reconsiled to each other. I know it isn't always possible, but it is a beautiful thing when it does!

lovingpet

(in reply to stillholdson)

Post #: 12

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 6:35:21 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

So in reading some of the threads about trust, it makes me wonder if once lost, can trust be regained? Can you trust your partner (either D or s) in some areas and not others? Would that be a deal breaker for you? Time to move on, maybe do some healing? Are there any stories of having your trust broken but then restored by your partner? Or is it once lost, always lost?

If you've lost your trust, do you then find yourself suspicious?

I'm curious as I try to work through some things and would appreciate any input.

TIA

fuzzy

It's my experience that once trust is lost/broken/destroyed it is almost if not impossible to regain. Quite often a relationship whether mundane or kink is based upon a mutual trust with the partner to be who they portray themselves to be during the relationship.

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Post #: 13

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 8:11:44 PM

Golden614

Posts: 19
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

If trust can only ever be lost, and never rewon, then the inevitable state of any relationship is failure. I choose to build long term relationships which requires the ability to forgive and extend trust anew. I am hard pressed to name any single thing that Carol could do that would be a trust deal breaker for me... It'd have to be something like, "axe murdered 10 school children at the sunday school class". More normal things like, "cheated on me" would not be sufficient.

I generally expect my human partners to be good, but still human. Maybe for my next marriage, I'll look into collaring an angel.

I have nothing to say beyond this, it's all been covered. Right on, Jeff! :-)

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 14

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 9:50:48 PM

SilentSpark

Posts: 36
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline

When it comes to trust, I think it's better to judge people by behavior pattern, rather than a single event. If there's pattern, doesn't matter how smell, it shows lack of responsibility and honesty. Say if your partner promise to meet at 6 pm but arrive late, then 3 days later, he promise to buy the milk but forget, lie to you about going out with friends... all these events are not big deal if reviewed separately, but put together they speak a great deal about ones personality. And you can expect they won't be able to keep a promise when it does matters.

And for every one, I believe there's bottom line. for some people it's axe murder little children; for others, a single event of cheating is enough to do the trick. There's really no right or wrong, we're individual and we have different expectation about people. You just have to find your bottom line and more importantly, stick with it. Because people will push it if you don't.

< Message edited by SilentSpark -- 9/4/2009 9:52:34 PM >

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Post #: 15

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 10:43:46 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

So in reading some of the threads about trust, it makes me wonder if once lost, can trust be regained? Can you trust your partner (either D or s) in some areas and not others? Would that be a deal breaker for you? Time to move on, maybe do some healing? Are there any stories of having your trust broken but then restored by your partner? Or is it once lost, always lost?

If you've lost your trust, do you then find yourself suspicious?

I'm curious as I try to work through some things and would appreciate any input.

TIA

fuzzy

Can trust be regained once it is broken? Only to a point, I may forgive you, but I will never be able to forget and I will never be able to trust you like I once did. Would I end the relationship? I honestly don't know, I suppose it would depend on the circumstances regarding the betrayal of trust

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 16

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 11:29:02 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

I think trust can be regained but it takes a tremendous amount of effort to work past whatever caused the trust to be broken in the first place.

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Post #: 17

RE: Trust part II - 9/4/2009 11:53:56 PM

flogger

Posts: 186
Joined: 6/27/2004
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I want to say something, but I don''t know how.

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Post #: 18

RE: Trust part II - 9/5/2009 3:42:07 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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I'm with bear on this one.

Shake My trust and I will probably put in the effort to repair it. Break My trust and it is gone..... so are you!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 19

RE: Trust part II - 9/5/2009 8:56:22 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
I am of the general opinion that good relationships take a lot of hard work. It is not that having a relationship should be hard, but that bad times can and do come. Someone may shake my trust and respect of them to the very core, but in all honesty, that is my issue to work through. If they choose to do all they can work through it with me and show me in every way they can that they, too, hope for a better future, I am the one at fault if the relationship fails. I am now the one not owning up to what I claimed to be trying to achieve with him/her. Love much, forgive much, keep the hold on resentment short. Two wrongs don't make a right, they just make the world have a temperature of absolute zero.

very well said lovingpet. There is also the question of commitment. I've been with Carol 15 years now. I have a fair amount invested in this relationship. That's going to make me more inclined to find ways to separate the baby from the bathwater than if we'd just met two weeks ago.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 20

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