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RE: Exploring D/s in vanilla marriage - 3/1/2006 2:27:25 PM

chadra

Posts: 32
Joined: 2/24/2006
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quote:

'So, do you want to take your top off?', when I really need Him to say 'Take your top off' a request rather than a question.

:) This made me smile. I totally understand you.

How about, after having lowered his voice to that incredible place only he can, telling you you're bad because you've [insert reason du jour here]... spanking.... then (all worried, normal voice) saying, "But you're not *really* bad"... then continuing.

Makes me love him, yep.

(in reply to iamMasters)

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RE: Exploring D/s in vanilla marriage - 3/4/2006 12:23:37 AM

sskitten

Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
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quote:

quote:

"The Surrendered Wife,"

I’ve heard of this one, but haven’t read it. Seems to be a lot of controversy around it, although much of it could be described as disagreements over labels and alphabet soup. That said, as a married woman approaching submission to her husband, I’d be lying if I said elements of DD don’t appeal to me. I’ll order this one, if you recommend it.

I haven't finished reading it so I really can't say if I recommend it. I didn't get too far because I saw right away that I could never be a surrendered wife. A surrendered sub outside of marriage, maybe! But not a surrendered wife.

Just to give you an idea of the content, though, here is a quote I like:

"When you trust, you are anticipating the best outcome.

"Those of us who have trouble trusting others when every rational indicator says that we are safe are reacting to our own fear. We may be afraid that we won't get what we need, or that we'll get it too late... It could be, and often is, that we fear loneliness, boredom, or discomfort. If you are like me and find yourself driven to correct... and conquer a partner, then you are reacting to your fears. Whatever the situation, if you do not react to your fear of the outcome, you don't need to try to dominate, manipulate, or control it."

and here is a quote that made me sit up and take notice and realize I could never do it:

"Respect means that when he takes the wrong freeway exit you don't correct him by telling him where to turn. It means that if he keeps going in the wrong direction you will go past the state line and still not correct what he's doing. In fact, no matter what your husband does, you will not try to teach, improve, or correct him.

"That is the essence of a surrendered wife."

The book is primarily about reining in habitually-nagging wives with the goal of restoring lost intimacy. It's not about surrender for the thrill of surrender; surrender is a means to an end.

End of book report!

Btw, I've recently posted some reflections on the "ideas for D/s" thread here:

http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=283774

some of which might be of potential relevance to this thread too.....

Kitten

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RE: Exploring D/s in vanilla marriage - 3/4/2006 5:36:54 AM

chadra

Posts: 32
Joined: 2/24/2006
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quote:

]"Respect means that when he takes the wrong freeway exit you don't correct him by telling him where to turn. It means that if he keeps going in the wrong direction you will go past the state line and still not correct what he's doing. In fact, no matter what your husband does, you will not try to teach, improve, or correct him"

I totally agree with your reaction to this.

The above quote doesn't describe respectfulness to me... it describes stupidity. On the other hand, if I ever really do want to provoke a genuinely dominant reaction from him, pulling something like that might just do the trick. Like, if he ever found out that I knew the mistakes all along and kept blissfully quiet, he'd likely smack me right upside the head.

It's all in how you say it (and then in shutting up once he heard you and decided the course you'll take.) I think you can - and must - speak up when something's going wrong for either of you. You can do that with respect.

To me, submission is partly about pleasing, giving, helpfulness and obedience. Seeing him get lost, waste a bunch of gas and then be hopelessly late for wherever we're going doesn't fall into any part of that definition. I won't even comment on the statement about "no matter what your husband does".

Honestly, I think it's quotes like this one that have him freaked out about the whole D/s equation in the first place. It promotes such a bad stereotype. He absolutely doesn't want an unthinking Stepford Wife, and I can't say I blame him.

I read your post in the other thread, and like all your posts, you gave me another thing to ponder through. Thanks so much, Kitten; you add such value.

chadra

ps. skipping the book now. lol
pps. my comments in no way are meant to offend anyone in a relationship which values such behaviour from a sub. Different strokes and all that.

< Message edited by chadra -- 3/4/2006 5:37:17 AM >

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RE: Exploring D/s in vanilla marriage - 3/4/2006 8:30:34 AM

ownedgirlie

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Joined: 2/5/2006
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chadra, i agree with your last post here. Dominants/Masters/Husbands are human, too. They too miss exist signs. A simple "Is that our exit?" is not offensive or disrespectful. There is nothing wrong with making a suggestion - respectully and appropriately, and ONCE. :)

i have quoted him here before but this seems a good place to do it again. As a very good Dominant friend of mine says, "The suggest-so is yours; The say-so is mine."

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RE: Exploring D/s in vanilla marriage - 8/12/2007 6:38:24 PM

Hiskat

Posts: 24
Joined: 2/12/2007
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This situatuion is near and dear to my heart. Master and I were in a vanilla relationship and have explored bdsm together and have been together and got married on route (last May 2006) for almost 8 years and i have been collared for 4 years. Our relationship has only become closer, loving, and honest. We are incredibly affectionate and seem so "in love" as may of our nilla friends comment on all the time. I am so glad that we decided to explore this together.

If a relationship be it nilla or D/s is built on a solid foundation, commnication, love, respect, trust then it will thrive and flourish. I wish you the best.

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RE: Exploring D/s in vanilla marriage - 8/13/2007 3:52:36 AM

instynctive

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Chadra,

(Fast reply - quick n dirty)

1) Communication, communication, communication
2) Take it slow and easy
3) Get educated (via books, munches, etc.)
4) Have fun!

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RE: Exploring D/s in vanilla marriage - 8/13/2007 7:23:41 AM

GhitaAmati

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Joined: 5/30/2007
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My husband and I had both been in D/s relationships before we met, but our relationship began as a typical vanilla one. In fact neither of us had even mentioned our bdsm background to the other until about 6 months into dating. We had both had some difficult experiances and decided on our own to back away from D/s for a while. Over time we both began to realize that we wanted to bring it back into our life, and over time have incorporated it into our previously vanilla relationship fairly well. Sometimes I am glad we had already built a very stable relationship together, it has helped a great deal with our communication.

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