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Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 6:40:52 PM   
SilentSpark


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		OK, I have a huge ego, I freely admit it, and have no intention to change it anytime soon. But then again, we often associate ego with being obnoxious or pride. In fact, ego simply means being conscious, in control of self, and being reasonable and logic.

I also have a career, a priority I won't give up for anything. I fought very hard for where I am today and still fighting very hard for what I want for tomorrow. I guess I enjoy this struggle in some way, I makes me feel alive, and fulfilled.

And I'm a submissive. I know it on an emotional and intuition level. This is one thing in my life, I can't explain with reasoning and logic.

But when I read these profiles saying: I want total devotion; or I want my sub put my pleasure a priority; or totally obedience, or 24/7 in house slave... or something alone that line, on the logical level, i sort of understand this is expected for a submissive. But I just can't imagine myself being in such situation. My priority is very clear, my career and my family. For example, if I have a better job opportunity in east coast, i'll move there without hesitation. If my father is ill, I'll take care of him first and foremost.

I start to question maybe I'm not a submissive after all. I just don't fit in the most common expectations of a submissive. What do you think? Can you have a huge ego, a career you're happy with, a family you support and still be a happy sub?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 7:03:30 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I have an ego. I'm working on my career and I'm sub with strong slave tendencies lately.
I don't sacrifice any of that in my relationship. He is my number one priority and his number one requirement of me is to be the best mom, photographer and person I can be.
You can have the best of both worlds. Just find the right match for you.

_____________________________



(in reply to SilentSpark)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 7:12:04 PM   
SilentSpark


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		Yeah, I know, it's about choosing the right partner. but I just always fear that my future dom will ask me to give up something that means a lot to me... And because this "priority" thing, and if I say no or even unhappy about it, he'd say: I'm your priority! (or something like that). because that's the impression I get from a lot of profiles to the point, I feel that maybe this is the "norm" for this lifestyle.

(in reply to Aileen1968)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 7:17:48 PM   
pyroaquatic


Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline 		I would want my ego and career to mesh flawlessly with my Domme.

(in reply to SilentSpark)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 7:57:23 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SilentSpark

Yeah, I know, it's about choosing the right partner. but I just always fear that my future dom will ask me to give up something that means a lot to me... And because this "priority" thing, and if I say no or even unhappy about it, he'd say: I'm your priority! (or something like that). because that's the impression I get from a lot of profiles to the point, I feel that maybe this is the "norm" for this lifestyle.


 
Realistically, few couples can manage with just one income. 
All you have to do is make it clear exactly how much your career means to you.  Be up front about the hours you must put in to succeed, if it includes travel, if there is a possibility you have to be flexible and able to change plans suddenly.
If a potential dominant can’t accept that, then he is not the one for you. 


_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to SilentSpark)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 8:07:44 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SilentSpark

But when I read these profiles saying: I want total devotion; or I want my sub put my pleasure a priority; or totally obedience, or 24/7 in house slave... or something alone that line, on the logical level, i sort of understand this is expected for a submissive. But I just can't imagine myself being in such situation. My priority is very clear, my career and my family. For example, if I have a better job opportunity in east coast, i'll move there without hesitation. If my father is ill, I'll take care of him first and foremost.

I start to question maybe I'm not a submissive after all. I just don't fit in the most common expectations of a submissive. What do you think? Can you have a huge ego, a career you're happy with, a family you support and still be a happy sub?


since i've dealt with this in the past i'll answer.

like you i'm very independent and having a career is something i relish. it is another aspect that fulfills needs that aren't necessarily satisfied in a relationship. i respect those that are able to find these things in the home, but i'm not wired that way. it has been my experience that men who are seeking someone who will remain at home generally make this known early on. i don't think there is a particular type per se. which merely implies don't assume based on his financial comfort (or lack of) it is or isn't a factor.

it would also depend on what he defines as a role in the home. in the past when this was presented to me it was someone that was both a slave, but not a domestic. that's what hired help is for. he was seeking someone that would manage his social calendar, make certain the home flowed smoothly, ensure that dinner was served on time, provide a presence at social and business functions, play hostess in the home when necessary, and be willing to travel extensively when necessary. as with all things you should always ask the person to explain and never assume your interpretation is what they're intending.

it is clear you value your career and find immense enjoyment in what you do. i don't believe a dominant seeking the above is likely to consider you. those wanting something more domestic may not as well. particularly if your work schedule would cause conflicts in the home in a manner he didn't find acceptable. you might want to be upfront if your position is demanding and relocation isn't a possibility. i'm a big proponent for laying ones cards on the table and truthfully admitting deal breakers before too much time has been invested.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to SilentSpark)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 8:26:35 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SilentSpark

But when I read these profiles saying: I want total devotion; or I want my sub put my pleasure a priority; or totally obedience, or 24/7 in house slave... or something alone that line, on the logical level, i sort of understand this is expected for a submissive. But I just can't imagine myself being in such situation. My priority is very clear, my career and my family. For example, if I have a better job opportunity in east coast, i'll move there without hesitation. If my father is ill, I'll take care of him first and foremost.

I start to question maybe I'm not a submissive after all. I just don't fit in the most common expectations of a submissive. What do you think? Can you have a huge ego, a career you're happy with, a family you support and still be a happy sub?


Part of the problem is we see the doms we fear. I'm pretty much the opposite of you tempermentally. And what I see when I look at the ads are the ones that want a very independent sort of submissive, and I feel bad, thinking that I'm nothing like what any of these people want. In reality, I guess both kinds are out there. But it's easy to focus on the ads of the ones that we don't suit, I think, and feel inadequate.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to SilentSpark)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 9:15:33 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SilentSpark

when I read these profiles saying: I want total devotion; or I want my sub put my pleasure a priority; or totally obedience, or 24/7 in house slave... or something alone that line, on the logical level, i sort of understand this is expected for a submissive. But I just can't imagine myself being in such situation. My priority is very clear, my career and my family.


There is absolutely NOTHING about what you've written above that is at odds with being a sub, or even a slave.  While I'm sure there are some dynamics where the sub/slave partner as literally serving the Dom/Master partner every moment of the day, the reality for most is this is NOT the case;  i.e., they each get up, go to work, come home, feed the kids, etc. 

Is a vanilla person not "devoted" to their partner?  Is a vanilla person not interested in "pleasing" their partner?  Is a vanilla person not interested behaving in a way their partner approves of (i.e., "obedience", to a large degree).  So in reality, it's really not that different.  Additionally, many who claim they want such servitude from their potential sub/slave, have actually NEVER owned one, and are speaking from a place of fantasy. 

Moreover, too many confuse "24/7" as meaning the bottom is literally involved in some sort of BDSM activity 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  This is not the case.  For most, it simply means they live at the same residence.

So anyway, the reality of all this is most realistic Doms/Masters are not looking for just a play-toy, but a "24/7" relationship with someone who is smart; has goals, wishes to succeed in life, and also wishes to be the best sub/slave they can be.

quote:


For example, if I have a better job opportunity in east coast, i'll move there without hesitation. If my father is ill, I'll take care of him first and foremost.



Now HERE... I don't care what relationship you're in, this is problematic.  Certainly nobody is going to fault you for wanting to care for an ill parent, but to just notify someone you're involved with (be they 'nilla, or of the Toppy sort) that you're out the door for a better job, giving ZERO consideration to the relationship, wouldn't fly with the vast majority of people.  Vanilla couples don't behave this way, so why would you find this acceptable behavior in a BDSM relationship?  When involved with another, you both now act as ONE... and that means taking the OTHER person into consideration.  What you've written above doesn't, and likely wouldn't work for most; or at least those seeking more than just a booty call.... even a kinky one.



_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to SilentSpark)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 9:20:11 PM   
SilentSpark


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you for the reply :D I really appreciate the insight on this matter.

I believe in honesty and open communication, tell people who you are and what you need up front. The career I have is very demanding, a lot of over time and stressful deadlines. I have great passion for my work :D The best thing in the world! And that's the conflict. I do seek to please to obey to serve, but my career is above that. I feel that somehow that means I put my needs above the need of my dom. Well, that wouldn't be very submissive... and I don't think anyone here will want a sub like that.

The best scenario is try to separate the two, arrange it in such way that I won't need to choose between them. But past experience proved it impossible. there'll be times when my partner need to compromise. So i guess i'm just not the "slave" type... LOL... well, nothing wrong with that. I can live with it.

(in reply to CaringandReal)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 9:40:47 PM   
sravaka


Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline 		I have no good answers, but I think I can offer some empathy.  I suspect I am very much like you-- career driven and unpartnered and constantly questioning. 

I have tried sometimes to think about what it is about my career that satisfies/fulfills me, and whether it is possible to have analogous (sp?) satisfaction through other means.  The real problem is being in a state of *seeking*---  it's *way* too soon to think about making adjustments to your life, and yet without making adjustments there is no way to move forward.   And somehow it all becomes the submissive's problem.

I persist in hoping, though, that there are doms out there who value not-particularly-domestic, outward-oriented submissives, and are willing to find ways around their (our) domestic deficiencies.  I mean, I know there are vanillas who meet this description.  I think it just gets additionally difficult when you add D/s to what are already somewhat difficult demographics. 







_____________________________

Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi

(in reply to SilentSpark)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 10:12:17 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I'm similar to the OP but I believe in compromise. Compromise gets me where I want in my career, I believe it will get me into a relationship, and by that time there will be a compromise between the two.

_____________________________

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also Facebook
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(in reply to SilentSpark)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/4/2009 10:32:26 PM   
SilentSpark


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		Well, I believe in compromise too. And in my line of work, I make compromise on a regular bases.

But what's the difference between "healthy compromise" and "topping from bottom"? I've seen examples where career related compromise eventually lead to the sub manipulate her dom. I admit I can be manipulative if the situation requires it...

LOL...now the more I speak of it, the less hope I have~~ how sweet.

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/5/2009 4:37:08 AM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		Being a totally devoted 24/7 house slave is expected in *some* relationships .. and it is a fantasy many have. It is also, generally speaking , not a practical reality. Bills have to be paid and unless you are very blessed that will take both incomes.

I just got to spend 7 weeks being a 24/7 house girl because I had 7 weeks off work. I enjoyed it very much, and took great satisfaction in being able to focus on serving without any real outside concerns. Now I am back at work. Now I can only actively serve at the weekends in-between my work commitments. Though this is sad and I was very happy being able to serve all the time I also know I was going a little bit potty having nothing to do but keep house.

If your career is important to you then it will also be important to the Dominant who is right for you. Currently I am in a relationship where my career is not only encouraged and supported but praised as well. That wasn't always the case. My devotion to my career (because for me it is not just a job but a vocation) has been the reason that more than one Ds relationship in the past has failed. If something is important to you then is should be important to (or at least respected by) your partner whether they are Dominant submissive, martian or purple with lime green spots.

If someone tells you that you cannot be a "real" slave with a career ... they need to pull their head out of their arse. Some of the slaves and submissives I have most respect for work and are successful in their careers. In fact often the reason I have so much respect for them is because they balance both with grace and success.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/5/2009 4:37:49 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		OP, you state that it is important for you to have the flexibility to move on a moment's notice if needed.  As MasterSlaveLA pointed out, that's not an issue with D/s relationships as much as an issue with ANY relationships.

What if your Dom were to do the same to you?  His mother was sick, so he told you that both of you were relocating to Michigan to be with her?

In what I consider to be the ideal D/s relationship, if an issue arises, the Dom will make his submissive explain her take on the situation and what she wants to do and why.  He will also explain his take and his hoped-for course of action.  Then he will decide what he thinks is best.  His submissive will not always be happy with his decisions, but she will yield to them.

If you don't think you could live with the above, then the question arises - why is it that you identify as a submissive?  Is it just in the bedroom?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/5/2009 4:47:53 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Firstly, a sub gives as much or as little control/authority to the Dom as she is willing to consent to. There is a wide wide range, from just in the bedroom types and just when we are playing types who give very little control to the Dom/Top (And almost none over the rest of their life outside of the bedroom/playspace) upto slaves like My girl who are Owned property and give control/authority over their entire life to their Master.

Even someone who just submits in the bedroom is a submissive in a low level D/s relationship. Just find someone compatable for the level of D/s you are comfortable with.

Oh and before anyone gets their pantys in a bunch... 'Level' of D/s isn't a value judgement, none is better or worse, value comes from finding compatability... 'level' is purely regarding the amount of control exchanged, nothing more.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/5/2009 4:55:28 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		I have to maintain financial autonomy in a relationship, and I make this clear early on. Fortunately I have my own business, so I do have some flexibility in terms of schedule and such. I'm just not a good match for someone who didn't enjoy and appreciate an independent female. 

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




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RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/5/2009 5:14:50 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Oh and also giving up control/authority doesn't automaticaly mean giving up a career. My girl would like to build a career, I am fully in favour of her doing so and thus My control of that area of her life is geared toward helping her do so. Right down to bedtimes on worknights to ensure she gets the sleep I have seen her body needs in order to function at her best the next day.

Again it comes down to finding someone you are compatable with and can trust to use that control in both sets of best interest.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/5/2009 9:00:33 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal
Part of the problem is we see the doms we fear. I'm pretty much the opposite of you tempermentally. And what I see when I look at the ads are the ones that want a very independent sort of submissive, and I feel bad, thinking that I'm nothing like what any of these people want. In reality, I guess both kinds are out there. But it's easy to focus on the ads of the ones that we don't suit, I think, and feel inadequate.
My feeling is that thinking about D/s in the abstract is, by definition, scary. In general, we have to conceptualize very possibility -- including bad doms who don't give a crap about their subs. Carol, on the other hand, need only worry about what I would do.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/5/2009 10:47:19 AM   
SilentSpark


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		softness: Thank you for the support :D I guess logically I know on a logical level that mutual respect and support is important to any relationship, DS or not. But it's just after reading all those dom profiles talking all about what they need, everything is "me me me"... and we subs are supposed to draw happiness and fulfillment simply by serving... Have you noticed when some Doms, everything he needs and wants is very specific, he'll explain it in great length and detail what he expect you to do. But when it comes to a sub's need, it's short, vague, and simple. something like, I'll nourish and cherish you blah blah blah...I mean, what does that mean? how will it apply to real life problems?

That just really gets in my nerves. I mean, yeah, i know people who can do that, but I can't. I have my needs and I have my dreams to fulfill. I planed a life that's about "me", I guess with the right person, we can work it out make it a better future about "we", but it'll never be just about "him". If that make me less a sub, then there's really nothing I can do.

DarkSteven: The situation you described is very real, and could happen to anyone, vanilla or DS. I don't think it has anything to do with submission, but everything to do with support your loved one when he/she needed the most.

I can totally understand if my dom would put his career a priority. And I think for most dom, or men in general, it is accepted and encouraged behavior. Career driven is a good thing for a guy. You rarely heard of a man get blamed picking work over doing dishes. I'm at the most disadvantage here not only because I'm a woman, but also a submissive. But I don't question my sub nature, I know I am. What I'm questioning is if I need make a choice between fulfill my need as a sub or having a career.

RavenMuse: Thank you for the insight on this matter, your girl is very lucky to find a master like you. I understand what you mean by high level or low level DS. But from time to time, you get from other people's impression that being TPE 24/7 no limit slave is THE BEST for sub, the highest level of whatever (I don't even know the highest level of what!) They just have such a superiority complex as if they're better than everyone. You see that a lot from Dom's profiles too, they'll constantly saying: do you have what it takes to be blah blah blah. As if there's a higher calling of some sort, and only a prestigious few can make it.

I totally understand and appreciate when people are proud of who they are, and what they do. I'm the same way. but I can't stand when people think their better then others because they considered themselves the "true slave" or "true dom" or old fashion/old guard SM/whatever ... I'm sorry if i offend anyone, but I think it's just simply stupidity.

daintydimples Thank you for sharing. I guess I'll probably be the same. With my career, i guess I could choose to stay home and freelance. But that's really just a huge compromise on my part. Unless i find someone I really love, I won't even consider it. Financial independence is very important to me as well, something I won't easily give up. Another reason i won't consider freelancing full time, too unstable, very few people in my field can survive on freelancing alone.

leadership527 I'm glad your girl can focus on your 24/7. But I don't think I can do it, or want to do it for that matter.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Ego, career and being a sub - 9/5/2009 12:09:50 PM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		You have spoken plainly about your need for career and enjoyment of it and also your committment to family.

What you have not said anything about is your submission.  What do you think it is and why do you think your life would be enriched by a D/s relationship?

I spent decades in roughly the same position you talk about.  I needed to take care of my family first and needed a good and challenging career in order to take care of my family.  I did not feel I was able to put these priorities into any secondary role.

So I chose compatible partners.  Trust me, there are a plethora of really great Dominants who do not have the luxury of being responsible for a submissive 24/7/265.  The only problem is getting caught up in the webiste, much mentality of if it ain't love it ain't real if it ain't 24/7 its just kinky sex.  (Like there's anything wrong with kinky sex.)  But I tell you, my submission was as real as as true then as it is now.  I vowed that the two weekends a month I was with my Dominant, the rest of the world would be secondary to Him and He would have my devotion, obedience, affection, and submission.  Once the weekend was over, my primary life took over again.  During those years I grew to understand myself, love myself.  Taking twice a month breaks from the hustle and bustle of career + family stress improved my performance on all levels. 

Eventually my nest emptied and I found myself in a place mentally, physically, spiritually and financially able to surrender all to InkedMaster.  I was richer for my previous uncollared experiences, calmer and actually a better servant that I would have been had I tried to force myself into a 24/7 situation.

You know what is right for you. 

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to SilentSpark)
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