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Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 6:33:58 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

This is something of a spin off thread. During the course of the Obey discussion, a few folks were talking about the concept of being pleasing in service. Yes, we expect our s types to convey what is essentially service with a smile. Yet, we didn't discuss the other half of that, which is accepting service with grace.

What is our responsibility as Dominants when our s type is doing things right? Sure, we have plenty of discussions on how we handle issues when things go wrong. Oh, we're quick to talk of punishments when things aren't just so, even if we, as Dominants have played a part. To Me, these are only the options of a weak Dominant, with poor communication skills, not knowing how to relay our instructions or expectations.

If we, as Dominants, expect them to be pleasing, where is our counter? Where is our accepting service with grace?

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

Post #: 1

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 7:16:14 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Politeness and good manners is not class selective. I was brought up to be polite and to show gracious acknowledgement to all who served me from a shop assistance, to a servant. It costs nothing and in the long run gains you more than you could expect.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 2

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 7:53:11 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

I agree with IB. I will add that a simple "Good girl" does wonders.

I have also found girls are sometimes confused when treated firmly but with polite statements, not barked orders. I just tell them it's who I am, and if they don't know what to say, "Yes Master" is always an appropriate response.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 3

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 7:57:19 AM

SweetNika

Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline

For me a simple, "thank you mine" or a smile goes along way. It would make it hard to serve gracefully if I felt like my owner could never acknowledge the things I did. I might also begin to feel as if he did not appreciate them in time.

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 4

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 7:58:13 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Interesting question. I do two things - I say a "Good girl" or give a quick pat or something else gentle, physical, and immediate, when the task is done. And every so often, I express appreciation for their service in general, usually not tied to any specific tasks.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 5

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 8:00:19 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

This is something of a spin off thread. During the course of the Obey discussion, a few folks were talking about the concept of being pleasing in service. Yes, we expect our s types to convey what is essentially service with a smile. Yet, we didn't discuss the other half of that, which is accepting service with grace.

What is our responsibility as Dominants when our s type is doing things right? Sure, we have plenty of discussions on how we handle issues when things go wrong. Oh, we're quick to talk of punishments when things aren't just so, even if we, as Dominants have played a part. To Me, these are only the options of a weak Dominant, with poor communication skills, not knowing how to relay our instructions or expectations.

If we, as Dominants, expect them to be pleasing, where is our counter? Where is our accepting service with grace?

Being dominant does not relieve you of the responsibilty of being courteous. Submissives desire to know they are being pleasing. We need to praise their positive efforts with as much vigor as some do thier negative ones

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 6

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 8:28:46 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

"That's good ... right there ... Umnnmmmmmm"

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 7

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 8:33:59 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Oh this brings back a memory. While dealing with someone new to me and going through a trying time, I made the mistake of assuming that the submissive would understand everything surrounding an assignment I created for him and failed to make something clear. My mistake in not saying exactly what I expected because of our many talks and thinking he understood and because of life being a challenge and missing something... all hell broke loose!

I had always been very clear, polite or very direct when need be and was hardly ever misunderstood. It was from this situation that I learned there are two types of men that I simply cannot communicate with no matter how good I am or how I might be flawed in some way or hindered/limited when I have a headache. I have since made sure I do not get involved with one of these two types! lol

But it did teach me to never be off my balance when giving an assignment or something important, no matter how something may need to be addressed. I must know my limitations and assure that I am communicating from a well place rather than a place where I am distracted by pain or life challenges. I must also not assume that someone, especially new to me, understands all we have communicated to one another and to not be pushed into things I am not ready to address simply because I am the dominant and it is expected. I have no problem with things being expected, but I do have a problem with timing sometimes and I know now that I must call domina down and time for you to step up and hold on until I am more balanced and ready to be dominant.

I must know myself not in just who and what I am, but also my weakness or challenges in life so that they don't become a problem. Because I might know some topic well doesn't mean I will handle it well at certain times and it is what I owe my submissive or anyone around me, to know when I simply need to take a time out and how to handle it all, which is to not handle it sometimes. Wait a few hours and it will go much better.

I have also had to learn to stop doing for myself sometimes and allow someone to cater to me. That was a tough one. I handled well leading and the emotional things, things that required me to be on top of things, but didn't handle well the part of needing down time and service because I was always focused on being on top of my game no matter my challenges. It wasn't ego, but more learning that I didn't have to handle it all and could go down and that was not a failure in handling it all.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 8

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 8:42:16 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
If we, as Dominants, expect them to be pleasing, where is our counter? Where is our accepting service with grace?

In our house, there are no expectations of his behavior other than he will not intentionally harm us and he will be who he is. We do not expect a certain reaction from him when we do a certain behavior and that would run counter to our idea of M/s. If he wants to say thank you or show his appreciation, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. It is a nice bonus when he shows it, but it doesn't detract when he doesn't show it.

The reward in our service in most part comes from our own internal motivation to do his will and not from external motivation. He allows us to serve him and that in and of itself is a reward. He will also very easily take away the opportunity to serve him if we have a bad attitude about it. That he allows and accepts our service is a really good indicator that things are going well.

From a different perspective on accepting service... One of the primary ways Alandra expresses love is through acts of service. This has been really hard for me to get used to because being waited on is extremely uncomfortable for me. I have learned to sit back and allow her to serve me. Accepting her service allows her to show me she loves me and I have had to readjust my thinking so that I don't perceive that I am useless because of it.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 9

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 9:15:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If he's immersed in work I certainly don't expect any recognition of the fact that I've just filled his glass or put a sandwich next to his laptop.

If he's just reading a book for pleasure, usually he does look up and smile or pat me or thank me.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 10

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 9:22:38 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I'm going to have to agree with the D-types that have gone before me. My "commands" tend to be expressed in the form of a polite question. They get "thank you's" and "good girl's" at the end. Then, in general, there is a fair amount of "thank you for being mine's" that bubble out of me at random individuals.

The other and more significant part of my side of the deal, though, is for me to actually deliver on the vision that I promised her. At least in my case, the job of "leader" came with actual job requirements to lead somewhere. I think the largest type of respect I show Carol is to not waste her.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 9:34:04 AM

Wolf2Bear

Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

What is our responsibility as Dominants when our s type is doing things right? Sure, we have plenty of discussions on how we handle issues when things go wrong. Oh, we're quick to talk of punishments when things aren't just so, even if we, as Dominants have played a part. To Me, these are only the options of a weak Dominant, with poor communication skills, not knowing how to relay our instructions or expectations.

If we, as Dominants, expect them to be pleasing, where is our counter? Where is our accepting service with grace?

I try to take the stance of using positive reinforcement to let the 's' type know that what they are doing is pleasing to me. I feel that if I show a more human side, meaning I let them know that they are doing good, I praise them for doing something that is acceptable etc., that I am building them up as opposed to having them feel less than adequate when serving me. A good example is I have been seriously considering taking on a sub type who also identifies as a puppy. He is just new to the lifestyle and in social situations he does does displays actions which are not appropriate, which I have taken him aside and suggest that he use a different approach. I find that this method will gain a better respect from him and he is more willing to think before he acts and not act up. This has a two fold effect as he is also learning what I deem acceptable behavior and what isn't in our dynamic.

eta: I see my responsibility is to reinforce the 's' type's trust in me and to show that my actions do follow what my beliefs are. I have to ensure that the relationship is healthy for me and for him so that he continually wants to be in the relationship with me.

< Message edited by Wolf2Bear -- 9/6/2009 9:37:45 AM >

_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 9:37:06 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

Hearing "good girl" from him makes my brain go a little fuzzy and puts a huge smile on my face.

_____________________________

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 9:39:36 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Giving one in service One's focus, acknowledging their service appreciatively.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 14

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 11:02:32 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I recently brought up the thought of whether my framing orders in the form of questions was unhelpful in terms of understanding it as a requirement rather than a request, but it wasn't a miscommunication in the end anyway. With relationships that are some of the more initial phases, I'd think that positive reinforcement isn't just a psychological reward but also a positive indicator to the sub/slave that their attempts at pleasing (many of which will be new for the dynamic) have gone pleasantly. This way the sub/slave has a distinct understanding of which results are most preferable.

Even in situations like Kyra described, where there is a nice attentive focus to not make the service about the recompense, there at least is a reaction that is informative to her that things are going smoothly.

The feedback facet is important to inform, and the reward facet (while variant depending on the relationship) is a generally courteous expression of appreciation.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 15

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 11:28:20 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Interesting question. I do two things - I say a "Good girl" or give a quick pat or something else gentle, physical, and immediate, when the task is done. And every so often, I express appreciation for their service in general, usually not tied to any specific tasks.

My Sir does exactly the same thing & it gives me the warmest fuzzies ever just to know He's happy.

He is the most fantastic ever!!

~edited for wording~

< Message edited by sweetsub1957 -- 9/6/2009 11:31:33 AM >

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 16

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 12:27:09 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

The other and more significant part of my side of the deal, though, is for me to actually deliver on the vision that I promised her. At least in my case, the job of "leader" came with actual job requirements to lead somewhere. I think the largest type of respect I show Carol is to not waste her.

Beautiful point.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 17

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 12:28:35 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

I hope this doesn't start an argument, but it is a bit confrontational. But personally, I believe there are a LOT of dominants who think they accept service with grace and will pontificate a lot about it but don't actually do it. In their minds, they think they do all the right things, but in practice, they generally don't.

I've run across a number of dominants in my time who were exactly this fit. I'm not even just talking about the ones that I served, but I've been in contact with a LOT of dominants over the years. And what will happen is that their relationship will go sour, and they'll attribute it to a lot of other reasons (compatibility, "wasn't what I was looking for", not a true submissive), but what really happened was that the submissive was trying really hard but after awhile started to think, "why am I wasting my times with this person?"

For a long period of time, I was an officer of several bdsm organizations, and I always seemed to be the "counselor", ie, the one people liked to talk to when things weren't working out. I used to hear this sort of thing all of the time, and if I had a dime for every time I was asked, "why does my slave not appreciate me more?", I'd actually be able to pay my rent this month. It got to be an almost expected dialogue that went: "Have you thought about showing him you appreciate him more?" and the inevitable response of "He's a slave. It doesn't work that way." And then I'd have conversations with other dominants AFTER the inevitable breakup between the two, and they'd always agree with me that THAT is what should have been done, and then a few months later, THAT "knowing" dominant would be in the same boat, and there would be that expected dialogue again.

It's one of those subtleties that I don't think a lot of dominants even realize, especially the total control crowd who quite often don't even believe the issue has any merit. Yet, they still keep finding themselves having to look for someone new because "something" didn't work out.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 18

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 12:36:01 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~
Just a simple "Good girl," a hug or a kiss does wonders for me to show appreciation.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 19

RE: Accepting Service With Grace - 9/6/2009 12:54:48 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Politeness and good manners is not class selective. I was brought up to be polite and to show gracious acknowledgement to all who served me from a shop assistance, to a servant. It costs nothing and in the long run gains you more than you could expect.

Ah the good old days of manners, civility and appreciation. I too miss them a great deal I.B. And I agree, anyone that is there assisting deserves acknowledgment. I was on the phone with the restaurant supply store here friday, and I think the poor lady at the other end was about to have a heart attack because a client was actually being friendly and polite with her.

Gone, mostly, are the days where a gentleman tips his hat to the people he meets and greets, and removes it at the table. Gone are the days of gentlemen in general, unfortunately, it seems.

But it's along these lines that I interact with my own pet and household. My pet serves me, partially because it's his position to do so and partially because he desires to do so. It's not unlike those rare and stellar waiters/waitresses in restaurants. The ones that have been there for years, if not decades because they love doing it, and it shows. Thus, when he does a good job, or even when he does a poor job, but I can see he tried his best, I acknowledge it and appreciate it.

Punishment is a rare thing here, because I normally don't need to, and because I really don't like to. I've proven time and time again, in our household, that I get far better results from trust and kindness than I do from fear and cruelty. Consider it like this, do you (not you specifically I.B.) tend to do a better job when you are forced to do it or you'll get fired or fined, or do you do better when you actually desire to do so, when you want to do it because you enjoy whatever it is?

A quote from Charles Dickens "A Christmas Carol" (aside from the one in my sig line) sums up my views toward the situation very well. "
He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world."If you recall the story, this is after his change from cruel and frightening into a kind, generous and loving person. The people that are able to give kindness and understanding, more often than not, have scores of people actually wishing to follow and serve and help them to the best of their abilities. As opposed to a handfull of people who serve because they're forced to.

A "thank you", a "you did a fine job there", a "you tried your best, let me help you with that some so you can see how to do it better next time", all of these things are common here. And from them, I find I get exceptional results from an exceptional person.

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 20

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