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Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/26/2006 7:30:09 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately, especially when I read the many posts here on the boards. In the past, I've been involved in a few long term bdsm relationships that have usually been sexual in nature. But for me, I used to really relish the servitude part of the relationship, and the sexual part of it was great to be part of the experience, but I often wondered if part of my success in the past was how little emphasis I placed on that part of the relationship.

Maybe I'm getting older these days, but I often find myself fantasizing more about serving a woman as her slave (doing things to make her happy and her life more comfortable) than "servicing" as so many submissives seem to focus upon these days. There's a great thread from Akasha on oral servitude that I found intriguing because I got the feeling that if I was to respond that "pussy service" is the last thing in the world I would ever state on a resume as a submissive, I'd end up with people thinking I was strange.

But for some reason these days I find myself in situations where I help out women close to me without actually asking for anything sexual in return. More than one person here has said I'm foolish for doing so and some have even accused me of obviously having ulterior motives (because it's just not natural to NOT be seeking something else). But I find so few people that take great pleasure in being a true pleasure slave (by "pleasure" I mean doing everything possible to make her happy, whatever type of behavior that may entail, from chores to companionship to sex to whatever she desires), unless it seems to fall into some kind of politically correct commentary that is geared to help a submissive sound more "desirable" to a potential mistress.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, but it's been one of those things running through my head lately. I used to write articles on why I was a submissive, but the more I listen to other people, I get the idea that perhaps I'm a freak and everyone else seems to get it.

Post #: 1

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/26/2006 7:44:54 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Attitudes, desires, focus, abilities, priorities- all of these change in all sorts of ways as we go through life. Be aware of them and follow them to your bliss.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 2

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/26/2006 7:58:09 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

I used to write articles on why I was a submissive, but the more I listen to other people, I get the idea that perhaps I'm a freak and everyone else seems to get it.

Sarbonn,

The only thing I don't get is how did mass blindness hit Michigan? I mean, the Dommes there must be blind if you haven't been snatched up yet. You're adorable, well-written and have an amazing profile.

Nope.. I just don't get it at all.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 3

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/26/2006 8:03:22 PM

chainedupnick

Posts: 49
Joined: 8/10/2005
Status: offline

Seems like a pretty good outlook to me. But to call you a freak is pretty much the pot calling the kettle black, no?

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 4

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/26/2006 8:13:08 PM

SifuZen

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/26/2006
Status: offline

littlesarbonn,

as I get older I realize more and more that I know nothing. What I have learned over the years is to trust my gut feeling, 99 % of the time I am correct if I dont think about the answer.

follow your dream; I can attest from personal experience that service has nothing to do with sex. I have not sexually used several of my slaves over the course of many years....yet they serve me will.

SifuZen

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 5

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/26/2006 8:38:41 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

If this is what you seek (more importantly than the sex slave stuff) then make your life easier and broaden your scope of women. Target professional women who are busy and are not looking for a Type A workaholic boyfriend.

My husband isn't submissive, but he endures whatever nasty fetishy things I line up for him. Besides that, though, he is 100% service based (but gets no "sexual" rush from it, he just does it to make my life easier because that makes him happy). His day is full of things like doing laundry, ironing, proactively picking out the right business suit based on what meeting he knows I have, doing grocery shopping, cooking and knowing what I am craving, giving me backrubs and footrubs, leaving funny/sweet notes in my car, filling up the gas tank so I never have to, running out to get me a smoothie at 8:30pm on a Sunday night because I'm writing a work presentation, booking our social engagements, booking me massages, cleaning the house, tidying up my office without being asked, taking care of our animals and more.

I spend all day thanking him and telling him how much he rocks my world, and a lot of the time going "Wow! What made you think of that?" when he predicts what I might need before even I know it.

I have a lot of female friends that are NOT kinky but are career women like me. They don't want a workaholic husband, they say they want what I have -- a guy devoted to making my life easier.

Don't limit yourself to kinky women if the kink is secondary.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 6

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/26/2006 9:58:20 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Submission comes from the heart; from the gut. Sex is secondary to it. Submission is the desire to serve someone in any capacity; to be pleasing to him/her, to find fulfillment in the satisfaction of the Dominant.

Sex is but a means to demonstrate such submission. It is my opinion that sex is where we are most vulnerable, and therefore where feel we can serve most deeply.

To me, "service" can be anything - from taking care of the mundane, to the basics, to his darkest sexual desires. It is all encompassing and not at all limited to sex.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 7

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 1:54:33 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

I must agree with BT in being confused as to why some lovely Domme hasn't snapped you up yet.

You are far from a freak, the things that matter most (To a lot of Dommes that I know) aren't sex related at all but attitude and you clearly have that in spades. Maybe the universe is just trying to get a Lady of sufficiently high calliber into your area before granting you what you seek

Good luck

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 8

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 2:02:29 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

You are not a "freak" for being less groin oriented than some, you are simply finding that there are more ways to please a woman than through her libido.

Sexual service is way, way down my list of what I want in a submissive, yet for the majority I correspond with, it is the first and sometimes only thing they can think of.

As others have stated, submission comes from the heart and soul, not from the reproductive organs.

"Be who you are, and say what you feel, because those who mind don't
matter, and those who matter don't mind."

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 9

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 4:57:29 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

First of all littlesarbonn, welcome to the boards, I too find your postings thought filled and thought provoking--perhaps when the cold of winter melts--an excellent Mistress will awaken and you will find peace at last--for peace is what it is--

I can as a Mistress relate completely to the thoughts you have written here and the thoughts in your profile--for they mirror so very much what My boy spoke of and speaks of today---his path was very similar to yours with the need to "serve" the very essence of his soul--it shows in every interaction he has with family and friends--(that is not to say he is a doormat by any stretch of the imagnation as I am sure you are not as well)--but it is what he is--what he is all about--when we were well into our chats and talks, he made a statement that was so innocent yet IMHEO is very very powerful---"let me please you and be pleased that I do" I found this one statement touched the core of My being in a way no man or no submissive ever had--there existed no "tug of war"--it simply was and it enabled Me to "allow him". My simplest needs he takes note of--and I adore him for that--and it has nothing to do with sex.

quote:

More than one person here has said I'm foolish for doing so and some have even accused me of obviously having ulterior motives (because it's just not natural to NOT be seeking something else). But I find so few people that take great pleasure in being a true pleasure slave (by "pleasure" I mean doing everything possible to make her happy, whatever type of behavior that may entail, from chores to companionship to sex to whatever she desires)

I for one do not think you foolish, but deeply in touch with the you that you are, the you that brings you fulfillment and peace.

So dear one, you are hardly a freak, but one who knows his soul.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 10

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 5:53:43 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Submission comes from the heart; from the gut. Sex is secondary to it. Submission is the desire to serve someone in any capacity; to be pleasing to him/her, to find fulfillment in the satisfaction of the Dominant.

Not for me. Sex isn't "secondary" to who I am- it's a vital part of who I am. I AM a sexual being, just as I AM a slave, just as I AM an aunt. It's inextricable from my identity. None of them are secondary to the others.

For others, sex/sexuality may not be an inextricable part of their identity, but it is for me.

quote:

To me, "service" can be anything - from taking care of the mundane, to the basics, to his darkest sexual desires. It is all encompassing and not at all limited to sex.

I definitely agree with that.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 11

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 6:51:18 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Submission comes from the heart; from the gut. Sex is secondary to it. Submission is the desire to serve someone in any capacity; to be pleasing to him/her, to find fulfillment in the satisfaction of the Dominant.

Not for me. Sex isn't "secondary" to who I am- it's a vital part of who I am. I AM a sexual being, just as I AM a slave, just as I AM an aunt. It's inextricable from my identity. None of them are secondary to the others.

For others, sex/sexuality may not be an inextricable part of their identity, but it is for me.

quote:

To me, "service" can be anything - from taking care of the mundane, to the basics, to his darkest sexual desires. It is all encompassing and not at all limited to sex.

I definitely agree with that.

Clarification of my opinion to better word it: expression of sex stems from my submission; my submission does not stem from sex. Both are important. Sex is not inextricable for me either; it is just not what defines my submission.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 7:38:32 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I associate service without sex with my everyday working life. I associate service without sex with my charity and volunteer work. I associate service without sex when I say something kind or helpful to someone. I could keep going here but wont, cuz you've got the idea.

In my intimate relationship however, I expect it to have a powerful sexual dynamic, its one of those "biggies" that sets it apart from everything else, and sets it as "special".

If I just wanted to "serve" I could do that easily in everyday life and wouldnt have a need to be in a relationship as well.

This is making me sound like the only reason Im in a relationship is for sex.....thats not it....I'm just pointing out that sex for me is a big part of serving my partner...its the thing I can give him that no one else gets.

Sexuality is the very most intimate thing I can share of myself. Thats why its important to me.

Its also a hell of a lot of fun *grin*

So really, I dont get at all when people say...they are in a Master/slave relationship but its not about sex...sex is who we are...how can it not be about sex? If there is no sex, you might as well go and volunteer down at the local dog pound and help all those poor puppies in need. That would be service without sex...well ..actually..unless..no i wont go there *grin*

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 13

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 8:01:47 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

So really, I dont get at all when people say...they are in a Master/slave relationship but its not about sex...sex is who we are...how can it not be about sex? If there is no sex, you might as well go and volunteer down at the local dog pound and help all those poor puppies in need. That would be service without sex...well ..actually..unless..no i wont go there *grin*

In My response, I focused on a large element of My boy's submission--I personally did not say it was without sex, its very much there and an element but it is not the driver behind his submission--it is an element in his drive to please Me--like littlesarbonn said:

quote:

by "pleasure" I mean doing everything possible to make her happy, whatever type of behavior that may entail, from chores to companionship to sex to whatever she desires),

so sexual intimacy is a benefit of but not the driver behind the need to please--IMHO

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 2/27/2006 8:02:29 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 14

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 8:05:35 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Clarification of my opinion to better word it: expression of sex stems from my submission; my submission does not stem from sex. Both are important. Sex is not inextricable for me either; it is just not what defines my submission.

This makes me think a lot :)

My sexuality is simply a force within myself. It really has nothing to do with my submission. The fact that I am a bisexual, the fact that I am a slave, the fact that I am polyamorous- my sexuality flows INTO those things and is a natural element of them.

But the sexuality would still exist, no matter what my orientation was. My sexuality is not defined by my orientation.

For many people, perhaps their sexuality is defined by their orientation. Perhaps this is why they cannot enjoy "vanilla sex" like I can. For me it's about whatever connection is going on at that time, not any particular orientation. Perhaps for the, their orientation needs to be aligned in order for their sexuality to flow into the situation while, for me, sexuality is an omnipresent aspect of myself that will flow with whatever connection I form.

Interesting.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 15

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 8:11:54 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

I associate service without sex with my everyday working life. I associate service without sex with my charity and volunteer work. I associate service without sex when I say something kind or helpful to someone. I could keep going here but wont, cuz you've got the idea.

In my intimate relationship however, I expect it to have a powerful sexual dynamic, its one of those "biggies" that sets it apart from everything else, and sets it as "special".

If I just wanted to "serve" I could do that easily in everyday life and wouldnt have a need to be in a relationship as well.

This is making me sound like the only reason Im in a relationship is for sex.....thats not it....I'm just pointing out that sex for me is a big part of serving my partner...its the thing I can give him that no one else gets.

Sexuality is the very most intimate thing I can share of myself. Thats why its important to me.

Its also a hell of a lot of fun *grin*

So really, I dont get at all when people say...they are in a Master/slave relationship but its not about sex...sex is who we are...how can it not be about sex? If there is no sex, you might as well go and volunteer down at the local dog pound and help all those poor puppies in need. That would be service without sex...well ..actually..unless..no i wont go there *grin*

slavejali, the difference as i see it, is this:

my submission is to ONE person and one alone. When i help a poor lost puppy, that comes from a place of compassion, not submission. (this may help you understand what i was talking about in a different thread). my Master has made it clear, that the reason my submission is so valued by him is because he is the only one who gets it. If i gave it freely elsewhere, it would have less value to him.

Having said that, my most intimate and vulnerable place is my sexuality. That is where he can touch me most deeply, and push me hardest. Even if we are not activily engaged in a sexual act, he may put me in the most difficult of situations, where my mind is reeling, trying to comprehend....and then look at me and say "cum" and off i go. But that is not about sex, see? That is about control and submission.

Does that help?

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 16

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 8:18:24 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Clarification of my opinion to better word it: expression of sex stems from my submission; my submission does not stem from sex. Both are important. Sex is not inextricable for me either; it is just not what defines my submission.

This makes me think a lot :)

My sexuality is simply a force within myself. It really has nothing to do with my submission. The fact that I am a bisexual, the fact that I am a slave, the fact that I am polyamorous- my sexuality flows INTO those things and is a natural element of them.

But the sexuality would still exist, no matter what my orientation was. My sexuality is not defined by my orientation.

For many people, perhaps their sexuality is defined by their orientation. Perhaps this is why they cannot enjoy "vanilla sex" like I can. For me it's about whatever connection is going on at that time, not any particular orientation. Perhaps for the, their orientation needs to be aligned in order for their sexuality to flow into the situation while, for me, sexuality is an omnipresent aspect of myself that will flow with whatever connection I form.

Interesting.

It hurts to think this much so early in the morning...and on only one cup of coffee!

You raise interesting points also. i was a very sexually expressive being prior to knowing what this submission in me was...prior discovering D/s. But it was never fulfilling for me because it had no meaning to me. Sex to me has always been a sharing of myself...of an intimate part of myself. While physically it felt fantastic (and all i knew was vanilla until just a few years ago), something in me always longed for more. i guess that's where i am saying sex is an expression of submission for me.

The very first time my Master used me (and i won't get detailed here), one of the very first things he required was for me to lay on the floor at his feet and splay myself open to him. Up until that time in my life, that was the most vulnerable i had ever felt to anyone. That wasn't sex for pleasure's sake, it was him taking control of my submission. Did it arouse me to feel so vulnerable to him? Absolutely! But that came from feeling his power, and that power touching something inside of me.

Indeed, interesting :)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 17

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 8:24:11 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

Having said that, my most intimate and vulnerable place is my sexuality. That is where he can touch me most deeply, and push me hardest. Even if we are not activily engaged in a sexual act, he may put me in the most difficult of situations, where my mind is reeling, trying to comprehend....and then look at me and say "cum" and off i go. But that is not about sex, see? That is about control and submission.

Apologies for this..but this subject interests me...

Wouldnt sharing your most intimate and vulnerable place be your primary service? If your sexuality is the most intimate and vulnerable place, wouldnt it be fair to say, that its the part of you that is the deepest and most entwined in your very make-up..in fact it could be said, it is what makes you up and everything else is stemming from it?

So, when you say you are playing out the Control and submission dynamics and that there is no sex involved, in fact there is, behind it all?

Ugh.....

It could be too late at night for this, i hope that made sense.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 18

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 8:29:19 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Damn, my head is spinning...LOL

Hmmm, let's see....(thinking...thinking...thinking)....

Okay. It was my need to submit, and the powerful force i felt from him in our first conversations, which compelled me to him. There was nothing sexual about our first conversations, nor was i aroused by them. But something in my core was touched. A magnet...a pull. i couldn't describe it. i feared it. And yet i could not help but ultimately give in to it.

That had nothing to do with sex.

The fact that i now constantly long for him, am aroused for him, crave him...is not driven by my desire and pleasure of sex, but by my need to avail myself to him and be used by him for his pleasure. While i serve him sexually, it is for his enjoyment that i do so, and when he is pleased by his use of me, i'm on a cloud. He also uses sex as a way to further my submission - as a training tool...to push me further, which makes me stronger in the long run.

So yes, for me sex is a big part of my service, but it is not the impetus for my service.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 19

RE: Service with much less emphasis on sex - 2/27/2006 8:35:53 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
So, when you say you are playing out the Control and submission dynamics and that there is no sex involved, in fact there is, behind it all?

I think you are trying to be black and white about this. Unless someone is talking 'service only' then most of the relationships ARE going to invole sex.

What is at issue is the priority on the sex/BDSM when it comes to submission.

Now for some one here whilst I was searching, their priority has been on the sex. basicaly a number of them where looking for a vanilla relationship with a D/s BDSM kinky sex life.

Not what I'm looking for, I had that in my primary relationships for 20+ years. For me it isn't enough.

I am looking for (And may have found) someone who's submission is fully part of the romantic dynamic between us. Who is every bit as submissive whilst we are just holding hands walking down the street as between the sheets or where ever else we decide to 'play'.

Someone for whom sex isn't the focus or most important part of her submission, the relationship as a whole is the most important part.

That is what it means to me and if I am reading correctly, what others here mean too.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 20

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Service with much less emphasis on sex

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