RE: Red flags (Full Version)

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SweetNika -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 6:10:51 PM)

Wow 27 sexual positions? I can't even think of that many sexual positions at the moment!



sravaka -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 6:19:37 PM)

These are awesome-- great thread!

Another one for me is not following through on things he says he's going to do, esp. repeatedly.



Sunnyfey -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 6:31:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

Wow 27 sexual positions? I can't even think of that many sexual positions at the moment!


Me thinks she read cosmo one too many times.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/positions/



Lucienne -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 6:31:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

They treat the service poorly



This can't be emphasized enough. Does the individual have a default position of treating fellow human beings with respect or not?



porcelaine -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 7:13:28 PM)

while this wasn't an issue before, i question a person's ability and willingness to relocate. employment transfers not withstanding, most people aren't quitting jobs in this economy. which leaves me wondering where you're moving and who's footing the bills.

porcelaine



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 8:28:52 PM)

Well sometimes it really is all  the other persons fault things went badly, and you're faultless other than not picking a bit more carefully or staying longer than we should of. Now if EVERY relationship they had, it was all his fault he was an sob and he was a dead beat or a ton of other negativity then yeah that'd be a huge red flag. My X was completely responsible for the crumbling of our relationship, despite me being willing to work on it and be patient and  give him time and space when he needed it, The only fault I had in the relationship was staying longer than I should have, and not running from a relationship with him when a few red flags popped up immediately.
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

I look for how they assign blame. When they talk about their past relationships, do I hear about the awful partners that have done awful things to them or do I hear a well balanced view of it?




Lucienne -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 9:09:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom
My X was completely responsible for the crumbling of our relationship, despite me being willing to work on it and be patient and  give him time and space when he needed it, The only fault I had in the relationship was staying longer than I should have, and not running from a relationship with him when a few red flags popped up immediately.


Your fault is not only a big fault, but it's the only relevant fault when you're talking to a prospective partner. Which is kind of the point. Accepting responsibility in your relationships is acknowledging what you do and do not have control over. You had no control over your ex and his issues, you only had control over yourself. And you chose to stick around despite his (apparent) signals that it wasn't going to work for you. Relationships are subjective things. There are no objective "fail" points awarded.



subinsouth -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 10:44:36 PM)

Meeting someone you have been talking to for months ~ and somehow they forgot to mention they are married. Then trying to make it seem ok, because "We don't sleep together."

Oh ok.



stella41b -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 11:41:53 PM)

Until I get to know you - the person - you are your word, nothing more, nothing less. Break your word in any way (lying, misrepresenting yourself, failing to follow through on something) and you become a nobody and cease to exist.

You are a person and a human being, I am a person and a human being until we both agree otherwise, i.e. dominant and submissive.

If you have an issue, a problem, baggage, whatever admit it. Nothing makes me lose interest in someone more than if you deny it, blame it on someone else, conceal it or try to convince me that it's something other than it is.

Knowing about a previous relationship is enough for me. I don't need to know what happened, I'm not really all that interested why it ended, how you feel about that person, because if you're so willing to give me that information, especially at the beginning, including all the dates that didn't work out, then I'm inclined to think I'm going to be yet another interesting anecdote for others and thanks but no thanks. I place discretion and privacy as a major priority.

I'm a snob, and I admit it. I know I'm not perfect, far from it, but I have my standards and I try my best to live up to them, and I also have my values and I live by them totally. If you stink, dress like you've pinched someone's load at the laundrette, and are clueless about conduct, manners and effective communication then you're probably going to be waiting a long long long time for my next contact.

You have every right to be a Republican, Conservative or follow right wing politics. I have every right to avoid you.

Garlic keeps away vampires. Ultra violet light keeps away flies. Cauliflower keeps away Stella.

A love of Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey or Nina Hagen is usually effective at preventing any relationship with me developing.



slaveluci -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 11:49:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom
Well sometimes it really is all  the other persons fault things went badly, and you're faultless other than not picking a bit more carefully or staying longer than we should of. Now if EVERY relationship they had, it was all his fault he was an sob and he was a dead beat or a ton of other negativity then yeah that'd be a huge red flag. My X was completely responsible for the crumbling of our relationship, despite me being willing to work on it and be patient and  give him time and space when he needed it, The only fault I had in the relationship was staying longer than I should have, and not running from a relationship with him when a few red flags popped up immediately

You took the words right out of my mouth, Topping. This was the case in my former marriage........luci



slaveluci -> RE: Red flags (9/10/2009 11:53:35 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom
My X was completely responsible for the crumbling of our relationship, despite me being willing to work on it and be patient and  give him time and space when he needed it, The only fault I had in the relationship was staying longer than I should have, and not running from a relationship with him when a few red flags popped up immediately.


Your fault is not only a big fault, but it's the only relevant fault when you're talking to a prospective partner. Which is kind of the point. Accepting responsibility in your relationships is acknowledging what you do and do not have control over. You had no control over your ex and his issues, you only had control over yourself. And you chose to stick around despite his (apparent) signals that it wasn't going to work for you. Relationships are subjective things. There are no objective "fail" points awarded.


I agree with the point you make here but would add this: "Choosing to stick around despite his apparent signals that it wasn't going to work" is definitely what I did. However, since I SEE that now, ADMIT it, OWN it or whatever other psychobabble term I choose to insert, doesn't THAT count for something? Hindsight is 20/20. Staying may have been stupid but wising up later shows the ability to learn from past mistakes, does it not? So even though MY 'fault" may be the only "relevant" one, if the new prospective partner can't see my growth BEYOND what I previously did, they simply aren't worth proceeding onward with[:)]..............luci



sexisubi -> RE: Red flags (9/11/2009 12:03:04 AM)

- i live with my mom
- i dont have a job (dont go to college)
- any situation where there is another girl brought up too much. sure bring them up once fine the whole date come on dont bore me. 

i think those are my main ones. other then that... im open to see if it pains out...



Loki45 -> RE: Red flags (9/11/2009 12:06:53 AM)

Heh. My biggest red flag? That's easy...

They show interest in ME.

Women with *that* red flag invariably fall into one of two categories: someone as fucked up as I am or someone who wants something from me.



Loki45 -> RE: Red flags (9/11/2009 12:13:52 AM)

quote:

Original: sexisubi
- i live with my mom


So if someone is caring for an aging parent, that's a red flag? That's kinda heartless, don't you think?



sexisubi -> RE: Red flags (9/11/2009 1:06:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Loki45

quote:

Original: sexisubi
- i live with my mom


So if someone is caring for an aging parent, that's a red flag? That's kinda heartless, don't you think?


thats a very good point, if i heard that then it would absolutely let it slide, you're right every situation is different. so i guess i would say -i live with my mom- with nothing else attached or reason. i said this cause my X lived with him mom... and it lasted for awhile... but wow it was hard. 



porcelaine -> RE: Red flags (9/11/2009 2:25:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Loki45

quote:

Original: sexisubi
- i live with my mom


So if someone is caring for an aging parent, that's a red flag? That's kinda heartless, don't you think?


and that supposedly aging parent could be more limber than you and i. one never knows until you see a situation up close and in person. there's also the fact that this brings in other issues and while it is an inevitable fact of life, i believe the other party should be honest if it is something they're prepared to handle.

porcelaine



Lucienne -> RE: Red flags (9/11/2009 7:01:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

I agree with the point you make here but would add this: "Choosing to stick around despite his apparent signals that it wasn't going to work" is definitely what I did. However, since I SEE that now, ADMIT it, OWN it or whatever other psychobabble term I choose to insert, doesn't THAT count for something? Hindsight is 20/20. Staying may have been stupid but wising up later shows the ability to learn from past mistakes, does it not? So even though MY 'fault" may be the only "relevant" one, if the new prospective partner can't see my growth BEYOND what I previously did, they simply aren't worth proceeding onward with[:)]..............luci


I completely agree with you. That's what I'm talking about in terms of taking responsibility for your relationships.



ShoreBound149 -> RE: Red flags (9/11/2009 10:19:02 AM)

If while we're discussing our experience and interests she gets a visible hard on - I'm gone.....



Venenarius -> RE: Red flags (9/11/2009 11:07:36 AM)

I am terribly cautious when it comes to allowing anyone to move from the status of "acquaintance" to friend, particularly because I tend to surround myself with some very damaged people. Most of the red flags I have responded to consciously have not been in a budding relationship, but in a work-related situation. I have worked with IHSS in the past, and will probably do so again in the future. One of the things that you are supposed to watch out for as a caregiver is signs of abuse. This is as much a point of self-preservation as a legal requirement, since the caregiver, as a paid outsider, is often the scapegoat for someone else's misconduct. The years I have spent in the company of abuse survivors, drug addicts, and the mentally imbalanced (my friends and family) serve me in good stead for recognising a bad situation developing and doing the tiny little amount allowed by the law (tattling).



MartinP -> RE: Red flags (9/11/2009 2:58:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

First and biggest. catch them in a lie no matter how small, hasta la vista baby. At the point where trust is being built such an obvious sign that I can't trust them and it is a no go.



Frankly, small lies do not matter much to me, as long as they have no consequences nor are too much an insult to my intelligence. I dated a girl who told me that her former at given her a ferrari, diamonds, but she had lost it at the casino. She was so adorable...

What matters for me more is when person is not telling me what he or she should tell me beforehand.

For example, on this forum and others, some masters praise themselves for slowing inducing the slave to ever new aspects of servitude. By their own admission, they are not candid about their master-plan (pardon the pun) and do not necesseraly draw for their sub a complete picture of what is to become of her. These are information of great importance kept from the other.

Now, this is what I call a nasty lie by omission and a red flag

I remember,

Martin



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